Eternal Families (D. Brinley)
Douglas E. Brinley
Daniel K. Judd

Copyright 1996 Bookcraft.

Introduction

1. Couples who marry in the temple and keep their covenants continue married in the spirit world. Elder Bruce R. McConkie explained: "We have the power to
perform a marriage, and we can do it so that the man and the woman become husband and wife here and now and if they keep the covenant there and then made they
will remain husband and wife in the spirit world and will come up in glory and dominion with kingdoms and exaltation in the resurrection, being husband and wife and
having eternal life. . . . That is our potential; that is within our possible realm of achievement." ("Celestial Marriage," in 1977 Devotional Speeches of the Year [Provo,
Utah: Brigham Young University Press, 1978], p. 172; emphasis added.)

In a conference address in April 1995, President Boyd K. Packer expressed these sentiments:

The ultimate purpose of all we teach is to unite parents and children in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, that they are happy at home, sealed in an eternal marriage, linked
to their generations, and assured of exaltation. . . .

The plan designed by the Father contemplates that man and woman, husband and wife, working together, fit each child individually with a shield of faith made to buckle
on so firmly that it can neither be pulled off nor penetrated by those fiery darts.

It takes the steady strength of a father to hammer out the metal of it and the tender hands of a mother to polish and fit it on. Sometimes one parent is left to do it alone.
It is difficult, but it can be done.

In the Church we can teach about the materials from which a shield of faith is made: reverence, courage, chastity, repentance, forgiveness, compassion. In church we
can learn how to assemble and fit them together. But the actual making of and fitting on of the shield of faith belongs in the family circle. Otherwise it may loosen and
come off in a crisis. . . .

. . . The great plan of happiness revealed to prophets is the plan for a happy family. It is the love story between husband and wife, parents and children, that renews
itself through the ages. (In Conference Report, April 1995, pp. 8-9; emphasis added.)

This book is designed to help parents build that shield of faith, a shield that will protect children in a world predicted to be "as it was in the days of Noah" (JS-M 1:41),
when "every man was . . . evil continually" (Moses 8:22).

Our goal as Latter-day Saints is exaltation, defined as the perfection and continuation of the family unit in the celestial kingdom. The life and ministry of Jesus Christ
makes this possible, as his atonement allows us to correct mistakes we make in mortality and to receive forgiveness for our sins. But, also important, he provided a
resurrection that enables us to rise from the grave as immortal men and women. Eternal life (see D&C 132:24), a synonym for exaltation, is the continuation of marriage
for a husband and wife who, in the resurrection, attain bodies capable of increase.1 Mortality is our first opportunity to marry, bear, and rear childrenand for some it is
the only time they will have that privilege. (See D&C 131:1-4.) The priesthood key to seal couples and families together was restored by Elijah to the Prophet Joseph
Smith (see D&C 110:13-16). Thus it is possible, through Christ's ministry, to be an eternal family for time without end. What a profound and magnificent potential!

Marriage and family matters are at the heart of the gospel plan. Not only are we establishing marriage relationships that are to be wholesome and strong, we are rearing
the children of Heavenly Father, the very offspring of Almighty God! No wonder President David O. McKay expressed the thought that parenthood is "the greatest
trust that has been given to human beings" (The Responsibility of Parents to Their Children [pamphlet, n.d.], p. 1).

Prophetic Emphasis

Living prophets have counseled us on the need for strong marriages and inspired parenting. This has been especially evident in the last half century, when the assault by
the adversary on the family has been carried out in earnest. Church leaders have been adamant on placing the home and family in its divine setting. Our charge from the
Lord is to build strong marriage and family relationships that allow us to rear healthy and stable children who reflect the tenets of our faith and whose lives will attract
others to Christ and his church.

However, the environment in which we presently marry and rear children is no longer "family-friendly." Things have changed in the past half century in ways that make it
more difficult to achieve our spiritual goals. No longer do most families live on the farm where they talk and work side by side and pass on values and faith.
Contemporary lifestyles are very different from those of our earlier counterparts. Today we are fortunate to see members of our family for a minute or two in the
morning before we scatter for the day. Lunch is usually a solo affair or is spent with nonfamily associates, and dinner is often a quick meal before an evening activity.
Families are mobile, and relationships can be stretched in unhealthy ways if we are not wise. If we fail to coordinate schedules, take time for family activities, share
ideas, or express mutual affection and appreciation, we may fail to knit the hearts of parents and children together in love (see Col. 2:2). Children may not come to
know the faith and testimony of their own parents. The entire venture may be at risk. Even when we are at home, television or headphones can isolate people from each
other despite their proximity. Too easily we can become spectators rather than participants in our family adventure. Our home may degenerate into what we might call a
boardinghouse, where individuals pass each other in hallways, share brief snatches of conversation at mealtimes, and carry out routine functions, but with little
semblance of any interaction that resembles a real family.

Cultural Messages

Consider these blaring messages: divorce receives more coverage than marriage, the two-parent family with only Dad working is thought to be archaic, radical feminists
bewail marriage as imprisonment for females, careers other than motherhood are given much higher prior-ity. In an environment of newfound equality, couples live
together without marriage to participate in sexual relations, yet they remain unwilling to assume responsibility and commitment to each other and the future of the family
enterprise. They clamor for the sacred title of "family." Scriptwriters encourage unwholesome relationships by depicting quick romances that lead to bedroom scenes,
with sex the obvious selling point and titillation the viewing by-product. Casual sex is portrayed as free and easy while chastity is scorned as outdated and unrealistic.
True love is thought to be a myth while lust is paraded unabated and without shame. Pictures that were once available only in dark alleys and behind-the-counter
magazines are piped right into our living rooms with "surround sound." Too easily young people are convinced to follow sophisticated media models who casually lose
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Sadly, divorce claims half of those who marry. Many couples, it seems, desire to void a contract they so eagerly embraced only a short time before. Media stars go
enterprise. They clamor for the sacred title of "family." Scriptwriters encourage unwholesome relationships by depicting quick romances that lead to bedroom scenes,
with sex the obvious selling point and titillation the viewing by-product. Casual sex is portrayed as free and easy while chastity is scorned as outdated and unrealistic.
True love is thought to be a myth while lust is paraded unabated and without shame. Pictures that were once available only in dark alleys and behind-the-counter
magazines are piped right into our living rooms with "surround sound." Too easily young people are convinced to follow sophisticated media models who casually lose
their virginity to little-known acquaintances on the big screen.

Sadly, divorce claims half of those who marry. Many couples, it seems, desire to void a contract they so eagerly embraced only a short time before. Media stars go
through serial monogamyif they marry at all. Of couples who stay the course, many find marriage and parenting to be unsatisfying, unfulfilling, and disappointing. (Could
it be because strong marriages and effective parenting require self-denial and self-disciplinetraits not abundantly found in a materialistic-oriented society, as the Book of
Mormon warns?)

School administrators, meanwhile, in an effort to stem the tide of unwanted pregnancies, have resorted to taking over the parental role in the name of preventing
premarital sexual behavior. Their techniques call for teaching the correct use of condoms rather than stressing the blessings of abstinence and chastity. Homosexuality,
the scourge of Sodom and Gomorrah, is unashamedly put forth as a legitimate alternative in our "liberated" society. At the same time that AIDS takes its toll on a
freewheeling society, legislators protect its virus carriers under the banner of "civil rights." The cure, they cry, is more sex education in an already sex-saturated
environment! These external influences can put our society, as Elder Boyd K. Packer said, "in a current so strong that unless we correct our course, civilization as we
know it will surely be wrecked to pieces" (in Conference Report, April 1994, p. 24). We live in an age when the moral foundations of decency and right thinking that
have anchored family life in the past are now crumbling and falling down around us. The sad truth is that a culture losing its standards will not sustain nor complement
the efforts of parents at home who desire to teach values and morality. A conscientious effort by parents is required to ensure that children obtain and maintain values
that not only will safeguard their mortal steps, but will provide leadership and models for other right-thinking and decent people in the larger community who are looking
for a safe harbor where they may anchor and secure their family.

Parenting was never easy. "In my opinion," said Elder James E. Faust, "the teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence, intuitive understanding,
humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality, perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in life" (in Conference Report, October 1990, p. 40). It
requires the best in us. However, prophets have provided excellent and specific helps for us to improve our parenting efforts, and, combined with common-sense
values "out of the best books" of wise people, we do have effective ways of building close family ties and imparting strong values to our posterity. Selfishness and pride
are the prophets' diagnosis of the greatest scourge of our timebroken families. Humility, meekness, and charity are their inspired solutions to stop the breakup of the
family.

Our Challenge As Parents

As parents we have the wonderful opportunity to bring the valiant, foreordained spirits of the Father to the earth, where they can carry out the critical tasks of
performing missionary work, building a Zion people, and redeeming those who came at an earlier time and knew not the gospel in the flesh. It is a work that requires a
love for research and a willingness to labor in behalf of those we do not see.

Our hope as parents in these darkened days was best expressed by Elder James E. Faust: "A moral blackness is settling in. . . . [Yet] I remind you that valuable
diamonds shine better against a dark background" ("The Voice of the Spirit," in Brigham Young University 1993-94 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [Provo, Utah:
University Publications, 1994], p. 1). In a day of wickedness, the contrast between good and evil is so stark that it may prove to be our advantage if we as
conscientious parents teach and model for our children the difference between the Lord's counsel and the ways of men. We are sobered by Elder Neal A. Maxwell's
warning: "There will always be a shortage of police if there is a shortage of effective parents!" (In Conference Report, April 1994, p. 119.)

This book is to assist parents to rear "a righteous seed" unto the Lord. We have gathered helpful ideas from some of the best parent educators in the Church. We think
you will be impressed and blessed with the basic and profound ideas included here on how to direct your family more effectively, regardless of the age of your children
or grandchildren, whether you are a single or a married parent, or whether you are new to the undertaking or are an experienced old hand.

Our approach here is similar to that which we employed in compiling our previous book, Eternal Companions. We asked our colleagues: "After all your years of
experience in helping families to be happy, what are the most important ideas you would give to LDS couples involved in the parenting adventure?" We think their ideas
and suggestions will inspire you as parents and help you rear the finest spirit sons and daughters our Father is sending to the earth. We hope you enjoy the wise counsel
and perspective from faithful counselors and educators who share their wisdom and experiences with you.

Our thanks to Bookcraft. We are especially grateful to Cory Maxwell for his encouragement of our efforts and to Rebecca Taylor for her final editing of the manuscript.

Douglas E. Brinley

Daniel K Judd

1 Rearing Children Who Can Cope

Victor B. Cline

The longer I live, the more I am convinced that life is a series of challenges, trials, stresses, hurdles, and disappointments mixed with an occasional sweet victory.

It reminds me of the many years I used to body surf on wonderful California beaches where huge, powerful waves battered me continu-ally, never stopping or slowing
down. It was as if they were trying to pummel me down or knock me over, inundating me with tons of surging seawater while I was bouncing, crawling, staggering,
gasping for air, and trying to escape being pinned to the sandy ocean floor. Yetoh, what fun and exhilaration! It was a never-ending battle of man against nature. And I
loved it!

In raising my kids I can think of nothing more important than teaching them how to cope, to survive, to have street smarts, to be resilient, to handle stress; all with a
sense of joy in the privilege of being mortal, never giving up no matter how hard life's challenges are, because that is the nature of our existence. That is what life is all
about.

I'm reminded of Hercules, the famous hero of Greek legend who was required to accomplish twelve impossible tasks that included such things as cleaning the Aegean
stables in a day, capturing the savage bull of Minos, and killing Hydra, the poisonous serpent with nine heads. The ultimate reward for these accomplishments was to
gain immortality and live among the gods. It is speculated by some that Hercules may have been an actual person, possibly a chieftain of Tiryns in Mycenaean times and
a servant to King Argos. His deeds, no doubt a meshing of some truth with a great deal of fiction, present some psychological truths far beyond the specific details of
the apocryphal history. His story is that of a man who possessed great self-discipline, imagination, and courage, who accomplished a number of incredibly difficult tasks
in order to reach the Greek version of the celestial kingdom.
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Today, our children face a number of herculean tasks that will require important strategies to deal with them. The big five tasks I have identified include:
gain immortality and live among the gods. It is speculated by some that Hercules may have been an actual person, possibly a chieftain of Tiryns in Mycenaean times and
a servant to King Argos. His deeds, no doubt a meshing of some truth with a great deal of fiction, present some psychological truths far beyond the specific details of
the apocryphal history. His story is that of a man who possessed great self-discipline, imagination, and courage, who accomplished a number of incredibly difficult tasks
in order to reach the Greek version of the celestial kingdom.

Today, our children face a number of herculean tasks that will require important strategies to deal with them. The big five tasks I have identified include:

1. Develop skills and competencies which fulfill and expand the special and natural gifts inherited from the Creator. Each child has special talents that you as a parent
can help identify, nurture, and bring to their full potential. When children are successful in this quest, it builds their self-esteem and self-confidence in a wonderful way.
They feel good about themselves because they realize that their talents are unique to them. And who knowsperhaps, later on in life, these same talents will provide a
way for them to earn a living or have a wonderful hobby or vocation which will bring great rewards and personal satisfaction.

2. Adopt a responsible value system in which honesty, integrity, maturity, loyalty, patience, and charityChristlike traitsare culti-vated and become part of their character.
Such traits will help children to earn the respect and loyalty of others. Thus they will come to know who they are and what values are essential to having good
relationships with others. With our help they can establish their own boundaries and stand firm against the tide of culture and peer pressure gone astray. They need a
clear understanding of the difference between good and evil, between wise versus foolish acts; because once they are taught correct principles they will possess a
powerful inner moral compass. They must become acquainted with their Father in Heaven, who, through his gift to them of the Holy Ghost, can be their guide and
companion. All of this has to be nurtured carefully and its development supported by loving, caring parents.

3. Learn the joy of work. Work is a tremendous blessing, with many intrinsic rewards that go far beyond just financial benefits. Work is a healing therapy, a big positive
in our lives. Work can be fun, exciting, and full of adventure. The kind of work you do can be of your own choice, with deep personal satisfaction, and financial
remuneration as well. Sure, there will be days of drudgery and occasional boredom with any job, but that can simply contrast with the great highs you may occasionally
experience.

4. Learn how to deal with authority. There are always people who supervise us, who are over us, or whom we are responsible toparents, officials who enforce social
laws and rules, employers, and ultimately our Heavenly Father.

The other side of the coin to consider is how we exercise leadership/parenting/supervision skills over others at home, in the workplace, in the community, and even at
church. We all find ourselves in both leadership and followership roles throughout our lives. Our children need to learn the "rules" by which these relationships and work
situations are governed; otherwise they may be rejected, fired, divorced, or incarcerated, or they may suffer other painful social sanctions. Have you noticed that some
adolescents never learn the rules of the game of life? Because of this they suffer painful consequencestypically with anger. Many go to their graves kicking and shouting,
always blaming others for their predicaments. But in truth, they are the ones who become the real losers while others pass them by.

As parents we have a clear leadership role to play in our families. We are to establish reasonable rules. Chores are assigned. Courteous and mannerly behavior is
expected. As parents we can say no on occasion, set limits, and briefly take away privileges when necessaryall without feeling guilty. In some families I see, it is as if the
monkey is running the zoo. The parents are "out to lunch." They are either afraid of their children, hesitant to lead and give them direction, or just not interested or
impressed with the influence they could have on their children. They later come to inherit both the wind they have sown and the disapproval of their childrena double
whammy.

5. Learn how to relate, communicate, influence, and love others. These human relationship skills are absolutely high priority matters that need your attention, that must
be learned and developed in every child. Without such knowledge our children could be very lonely, marry "down" (marry someone they later find they don't respect or
who may not have similar values, social or maturity level, IQ, and so on), not advance as quickly in their work, or not be as close as they might wish with their own
children, spouse, or friends.

Now, how do we as caring and concerned parents assist our offspring to accomplish these five awesome tasks or goals so that they may become resilient, loving,
responsible, and capable individuals?

The first and perhaps most important thing we can do is to model for them a marriage that works well. Dad and Mom have to have their act together in order to be a
united team that can effectively rear their posterity to be healthy and happy. Do whatever it takes to make this happen.1

Parents improve the possibilities of success in this crazy, wonderful enterprise if they do the following: are reasonably united; show respect to each other; work through
their differences peacefully; de-velop a set of family rules, rituals, and customs which both partners support; are fully aware that their parental role is a stewardship
given to them by God; realize that the parenting adventure won't always be easy; and understand that all kids are different and that what will work for one child may not
work for another.

One must also remember that marriage has priority over children. I see some mothers sacrificing everything for their children but then having no energy left for their
husbands and the demands of the marriage. I see fathers who allow their work or hobbies to be all-consuming. Neither strategy or approach works well. Too often this
pattern stimulates feelings of abandonment or resentment or both in the spouse. But mainly it is the children who lose out. (Remember, if we don't raise our children
right the first time, we may be left to do it again later with our grandchildren, and at a time when we thought we were going into a peaceful retirement!)

Of course, no marriage is perfect. All couples have differences and occasional conflicts. But what children need to see again and again is that Dad and Mom love each
other in spite of any "bumps in the road," that they are committed to their marriage and to each other, and that both have the energy and will to repeatedly forgive one
another and work through their differences. This then becomes a healthy model which will be deeply implanted and imprinted in the children's conscious and
unconscious memories. It will help determine whom they marry and how they will later work through marriage and family problems of their own. The marriage and
family experience we create for our children becomes the road map for their future lives. Let's be sure to give them a clear guide to follow.

Second, give children a variety of growth experiences that are geared to their maturity level. I'm talking about such things as having a paper route, gaining competency
in at least ten different sports, taking music lessons if they have an inclination and talent in that area, opening a savings account where they can learn at a very young age
to manage and save money, and so on. An exposure to a wide variety of experiences broadens their view of our culture. Subscribe to some key magazines or
publications (a news magazine, National Geographic, Consumer Reports, a daily newspaper, and so on) and regularly take your children to the library, where they can
check out not only books but also music and appropriate videos with their own personal cards. Teach them to read (it can be a game ten minutes each night before
bedtime) before they ever start school. Teach them to use the local transportation system (getting from one place to another around town where one or two transfers
may be required).

Let them experience relationships with families other than your ownwith relatives or close friends of their choosingthrough sleepovers and frequent visits. Give them
daily chores beginning at perhaps age five, some of which they can do gratis as a contribution to the family organization, while other jobs they can do for money so that
you can teach them to save a portion of what they earn. Let teens spend some of the money they earn working various jobs for a portion of their school expenses,
clothes, social
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Let them make decisions and choices whenever possible so that they can learn to evaluate courses of action and their resulting consequences. Don't always bail them
out when they goof. Let them learn from their own experience. Don't buy them a new car when they are teenagers, but perhaps you could have a low-cost older vehicle
Let them experience relationships with families other than your ownwith relatives or close friends of their choosingthrough sleepovers and frequent visits. Give them
daily chores beginning at perhaps age five, some of which they can do gratis as a contribution to the family organization, while other jobs they can do for money so that
you can teach them to save a portion of what they earn. Let teens spend some of the money they earn working various jobs for a portion of their school expenses,
clothes, social and recreational needs, and out-of-home food.

Let them make decisions and choices whenever possible so that they can learn to evaluate courses of action and their resulting consequences. Don't always bail them
out when they goof. Let them learn from their own experience. Don't buy them a new car when they are teenagers, but perhaps you could have a low-cost older vehicle
which several can share. If they are reckless in driving or have low grades, let them share part of the increased cost of insurance and gas. You should have ultimate
control of the vehicle and, when necessary, restrict driving privileges if they abuse or renege on their agreements. It is critical that Dad and Mom be united on all of
these suggestions and rules and be mutually supportive of each other. Do not allow your children to pit one of you against the other.

Third, teach your children about life's booby traps, the "alligators in the swamp." I'm talking about such things as drugs, alcohol, smoking, pornography, premarital sex
and pregnancy, and pedophiles (people who sexually abuse children). Help your children have a healthy but conservative approach to sexuality; teach them rules, how
to say no, and to set boundaries and limits. Give them pointers on financial scams, investing money, signing contracts, reading the small print, discerning who you can
trust, and so on. You can do this best by telling them parables or stories from real life which they will never forget.

One of the best places to do this kind of teaching is at the dinner table with a conversation begun by either husband or wife sharing experiences. Children will overhear
the conversation and begin asking questions about what they hear. A camping or family trip with no phones, work, or neighbors to interrupt can accomplish similar
purposes.

Fourth, help your children develop social skills by modeling them yourself. Invite friends with children of similar ages over for a barbeque, party, holiday, or birthday
celebration. Our children watch and imitate us much more carefully than we ever realize. They tend to ape and mimic what we do. If we are mad at them and with each
other most of the time, they will most likely become cranky with others too. "Monkey see, monkey do!" On the other hand, if they see us socialize warmly with our
friends, they will do the same with their peers.

If parents are lonely social isolates, they set a pattern for their children to become like them. Parents bless not only their own lives but also their children's when they
engage in a variety of social activities outside the family.

Have plenty of games, cookies, and lemonade or other fun drinks around the house so that it becomes an attractive place for your children's friends to visit. Brigham
Young once commented that it was better to feed the Indians than to fight themnot a bad motto to follow in your home.

If one of your children is a little on the shy side and lacks confidence in social interactions, invite him to go with you on a trip and suggest that he bring along a friend.
Then you can engineer a positive social experience as well as help him build a friendship. Repeat this as needed.

We once accidentally discovered another way to make our home and yard the most interesting and attractive place to be in the neighborhood. We bought a trampoline,
which no one else in our area had, and found it to be a magnet to the other children in the neighborhood. When they would come and want to jump on it, we put our
least social child in charge of hosting its use. Instantly he became very popular. I know that some parents don't want other children in their backyard stepping on the
tulips, so to speak, but if you want your children to be in the middle of the social scene and to develop social confidence, it is a price you may want to pay.

Children need to learn to talk and communicate comfortably with others. This is an absolutely critical skill that is best learned as early as possible in life. Be cautious in
allowing your children to spend an inordinate amount of time watching TV, listening to rock music (even the good kind), or playing computer games. These activities all
pull a child away from others and inside themselves. Interaction with other human beings usually comes to a stop when they do these things.

Have you noticed that some kids become "computer freaks," with parents so proud that their child knows so much about these electronic marvels? Up to a point, that
is fine. But I see too many children who get lost in this world and end up knowing little about being a friend or even how to play comfortably with others. Computer
games, videos, and TV are very addictive and can take a huge chunk of a child's life. Be careful with this. I'm not suggesting that we say no to all of these activities.
They can have their place, but a limit needs to be set on the time spent in these solitary pursuits. We don't want our children's involvement in these areas to be an
excuse to escape from real life. Of course, you must handle all of this with tact and pleasantness, but with a firm hand as well.

Also, I'd be extremely cautious about allowing children to use or play with interactive computer games that stress interpersonal violence. Some can be purchased for
home use; others can be played for a quarter in the omnipresent video arcades found in almost every mall. Some allow children via computer simulation to engage in
very bloody battles with so-called "bad guys," where they violently assault and kill others. Forty years of behavioral science research on this issue suggests that this kind
of experience can greatly increase your child's aggressiveness in real life with real people. It also desensitizes them to violent aggressive behavior, blunts the conscience,
disinhibits inner controls, and teaches them how to engage in many extremely antisocial kinds of activities. Be wise and careful with these modern time bombs.

Children need to learn how to negotiate solutions to tough interpersonal problems. When you are frustrated, you don't hit someone; you find a peaceful win-win solution
by talking problems through. And that takes skill and practice. Children need to see Dad and Mom and other adults function in healthy ways with each other and with
them over and over and over again.

Fifth, prevent their addiction to pornography and masturbation. This is another lonely world in which some children, especially young boys from age nine through the
teen years, get involved. Although they may feel ashamed about this behavior, they most likely never mention it to their parents. It often becomes a secret illness. I've
clinically treated over three hundred men and boys with an addiction to obscene material. It most often starts in the preadolescent or adolescent years with soft-core
erotic materialsmen's magazines, videos, or raunchy movies. In addition to the addiction itself, three other things happen: first, the individuals become desensitized to the
materials' pathology of increased hostility to and degradation of women. In time and with increased exposure, this material becomes normal and acceptable. Second,
they escalate to rougher and more deviant, perverse, and antisocial material. And finally, they begin acting out their sexual fantasies, risking infection and perhaps
creating marital problems, or they will have a difficult time relating well to the opposite sex generally. Involvement with this material brings an added risk of acquiring sex
deviations through masturbatory conditioning.

Another issue related to this one that needs some brief discussion is the antisocial and brutally obscene lyrics in many current music tapes and CDs that our children buy
or to which they are exposed. Most mothers would never in a thousand years feed their children contaminated food which might injure their bodies. But many are not
aware that their children are listening to and being influenced by heavy metal rock music. Exposure to some of these raunchy lyrics is like inviting a pervert into your
home to abuse your children's minds and spirits. Unfortunately, the exciting music helps lock these very unhealthy lyrics into our children's minds.

Sixth, monitor lying and stealing. In my experience, all children do some of this, some very rarely but others more frequently. Of course, a lot of adults engage in these
behaviors too. But sooner or later it always catches up with them. As the old saying goes, "what goes around comes around." And there are always consequences
which ultimately can be very painful. When our kids tell the truth and respect the property rights of others, things go better for them in their lives. So we must teach them
not to lie or (c)
 Copyright    steal. It goes without
                  2005-2009,         saying
                                Infobase    that we,
                                          Media      the adults in their lives, must model this behavior too. It won't wash for us to expect responsible behavior
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we only ask them to "do as I say but not as I do."

It is critically important both how we teach our children and how quickly we handle these problems when they arise in real-life situations. I remember one day when my
Sixth, monitor lying and stealing. In my experience, all children do some of this, some very rarely but others more frequently. Of course, a lot of adults engage in these
behaviors too. But sooner or later it always catches up with them. As the old saying goes, "what goes around comes around." And there are always consequences
which ultimately can be very painful. When our kids tell the truth and respect the property rights of others, things go better for them in their lives. So we must teach them
not to lie or steal. It goes without saying that we, the adults in their lives, must model this behavior too. It won't wash for us to expect responsible behavior from them if
we only ask them to "do as I say but not as I do."

It is critically important both how we teach our children and how quickly we handle these problems when they arise in real-life situations. I remember one day when my
wife was shopping at the supermarket with two of our young children, ages five and six. When they returned to the car, she noticed that both were chewing gum. Since
neither one had gum on the way to the store and she knew she had not bought any, she was puzzled as to how they had obtained it. When she asked them where they
got it, both shook their heads and said they didn't know.

When she persisted, they said they found it somewhere. Further questioning led to their admission that they "found" it in the store. She immediately braked the car,
turned around, and went back to the supermarket, where she took the two children directly to the store manager. They confessed their sins and paid him with a quick
loan from Mom.

There was a lengthy discussion about what they had done and what other consequences might occur. The children were required to earn money to repay their mother
within a day or two. They never forgot that experience.

When your kids lie or steal something, never smile or smirk because they are so cute or funny about it. It is a very serious matter, and you must treat it as such. One
hundred percent of the time you must confront them and exact appropriate consequences. Many kids lie to avoid trouble or punishment or to get others into trouble.
Kids seem to be slow learners in getting over this habit, so expect that it may take some time to break them of it if it has already gotten a foothold. But never look the
other way or pretend not to know. You do need to be cautious, however, about making accusations without either proof or a fair amount of certainty of their
deception.

Use these occasions as teaching moments. Don't humiliate your children, but talk frankly about how fibbing and lying threaten trust, disturb relationships, and can lead
to many negative social consequences, such as the loss of a job or the jeopardizing of a friendship. Share illustrations from your life experiences about how such things
have happened. In my experience, children don't instantly learn these lessons. You have to be patient and persist. Such lessons do not come packed in children's
chromosomes and genes!

Seventh, teach children the relationship between work and money. If a child is old enough to be in school, he is old enough to do some jobs around the house and yard
to earn his or her own money. This allows you a marvelous opportunity to teach them how to save and to be responsible and accountable with their funds. The time and
attention you give to this area will be one of the greatest blessings you can ever give them. You should be sure that for the rest of their life, as long as they are living at
home with you, they work to earn money. The older they get, the more important it becomes for them to have a part-time job working for somebody else outside the
home. If your child is an adult of age eighteen or more and is living with you while working a full-time job but is not going to school, he or she should pay some
reasonable or even token sum of money to you for room and board. Children should learn that even within the family the free ride ends at eighteenthere has to be equity
and fairness. Children need to be taught to share, to carry their part of the load, to be responsible, and to occasionally sacrifice for others. All of us are brothers and
sisters, and we are our brother's (or sister's) keeper.

If children are able-bodied, they can contribute in a number of ways around your home. You don't do them a favor by picking up all their bills. And interestingly
enough, in families where the parents constantly dole out money, clothes, and cars to the kids whenever they ask, the children never really appreciate it anyway. They
come to expect it. They feel it is due them. In fact, if they don't get it, they will often punish and abuse their parents for being so tight and uncaring! They may not be
unlike some people on the government dole who expect something for nothing. For an emergencyyes, we help. It is okay. It is the right thing to do, for if the
circumstances were otherwise, any one of us could find ourselves in an emergency condition. But long-term doles and freebies cripple initiative and take away self-
respect.

Sometimes children get caught up in power struggles with parents and won't do the work they've agreed to, yet they still want to collect their pay. If this happens to be
the case with one of your children, you might want to work it out with another parent in the area to hire your son or daughter while you hire their son or daughter to do
work around your home. Kids will often be much more responsible when working for a stranger or somebody outside of their own family than their own kin.

With younger children who are poky and unmotivated about cleaning a bathroom, for example, oftentimes the mother or dad can jump in with them to show them how
much fun it is to make the bathroom look sparkling clean. Parents can energize children by working with them a few times, giving enthusiastic instructions like a coach
showing them what a good job looks like. Make work a positive and fun experience. Your attitude here means everything. A parent often must become a salesperson
as well as the leader/initiator in the home. Also, be sure to show appreciation for a job well done.

I remember once when my wife was teaching one of our little ones to play the piano. The child was interested but sometimes balky, and her attention strayed. While we
are very cautious in our family not to overdose the kids on sugar, Lois cut a marshmallow into about twelve to fifteen pieces with a pair of scissors. Every time a series
of chords was struck or played correctly, into the mouth would pop this minuscule bit of marshmallow. And oh, how yummy it tasted! It tasted just as good as if it had
been a big, full-blown marshmallow. It worked wonderfully well as an immediate reward for a job well done. And still, the child didn't get an overdose of junk food.

Positives work so much more powerfully in motivating children to do well than just crabbing, complaining, or sternly dressing them down, even though once in a while,
for a particular child, that may be needed too. But the ratio of positives to negatives should be five or six to one.

Here's an illustration: You've had a wonderful party. But somebody has to do the cleanup afterwards. So Mom says, "I'm so proud of you kids. You were such good
hosts to all the children who came to the birthday party this afternoon. But I need your help to get the kitchen cleaned up. Let's all work together, and we will have it
done in no time. Then afterwards I've got a new videoa surprisethat I know you will all want to see. It will be really exciting. Let's start now."

Thus, Mother has made work into something that can be done together, something fun, something that will lead to a pleasant outcome or even a surprise after the
chores are completed. If children grow up with this attitude, they will most likely enjoy their chosen work as an adult. I know of few greater gifts that parents could give
their children than to help them enjoy work and wisely use any monies they receive from their honest labor.

Eighth, be careful of the Hamlet Syndrome. Here, parents become immobilized and unable to make decisions and take action in the face of a child's outrageous
behavior. Do you recall Hamlet's famous sililoquy, "To be or not to be?" Indecision was his downfall as he could not decide whether to act or not. Because of that fact,
ultimately he lost his own life. I see some parents struggle with guilt and even fear as they face children who are obnoxious, demanding, and manipulative, engaging in
improper behavior. Love and extreme permissiveness are not the same thing. Saying no; denying privileges; having an evening curfew; or restricting use of the car,
stereo, TV, or telephone briefly when justice demands can actually be the biggest favor you ever do for your child.

Reasonable  discipline
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because you hold the line. That's okay. You do what's right and best for your children in the long runnot necessarily what's going to make them instantly happy. And
you do that because you have many more years of experience and maturity, and you can see things in their lives with more objectivity than they often can. I'm not
suggesting that parents are perfect or have all the answers, but we usually know more than our children do, or we have access to information or professional help that
ultimately he lost his own life. I see some parents struggle with guilt and even fear as they face children who are obnoxious, demanding, and manipulative, engaging in
improper behavior. Love and extreme permissiveness are not the same thing. Saying no; denying privileges; having an evening curfew; or restricting use of the car,
stereo, TV, or telephone briefly when justice demands can actually be the biggest favor you ever do for your child.

Reasonable discipline is a very important form of love. Remember, being a parent isn't a popularity contest. There will be occasions when your children will not like you
because you hold the line. That's okay. You do what's right and best for your children in the long runnot necessarily what's going to make them instantly happy. And
you do that because you have many more years of experience and maturity, and you can see things in their lives with more objectivity than they often can. I'm not
suggesting that parents are perfect or have all the answers, but we usually know more than our children do, or we have access to information or professional help that
will allow us to come up with the right answers much easier than they can.

Ninth, rebuild a disturbed parent-child relationship. Sometimes one parent gets on the outs with one of the children. No matter what you do, it seems, you irritate each
other. In fact, there are times when you may not be able to stand each other. It has happened on occasion in our family. A healing solution to this problem is to let the
other parent totally take over the role of being the disciplinarian, the one who follows up to see that homework gets done, chores are handled, and so on. This has to be
done by specific agreement between Dad and Mom as they counsel together. This allows you to rebuild your relationship with a particular child, to narrow the distance
between the two by being positive. You can stop getting on his case. You can do many things to heal your friendship, mend the fence, show him that you love him and
that he is important in your eyesthings that will rebuild your relationship. This technique really works. But it takes husband and wife working together to pull it off.

Tenth, I would suggest that you not look back. Some parentsmore often mothersoften wallow in self-hatred and punish themselves unmercifully for some supposed
mistake they made with one of their youngsters in the past. Maybe a mother put her child with the wrong teacher, with supposedly disastrous results, or she let him play
in the tree and he later fell out and broke his arm, or she chose a baby-sitter who mistreated him, et cetera, et cetera. If you keep looking back on all the mistakes you
think you have made with your children, life can become perfectly awful for you.

You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. And you can influence the future. Being a good parent is a trial-and-error learning experience. And this is true for
all of us; there are no exceptions.

No parent ever has his act completely together. But, thank goodness, children are marvelously resilient. They are built to emotionally and physically survive a lot of
bumps in life. The critical thing is that they know you really care for them, that they are wanted and valued, that they are loved. If that is truly the case, they can forgive
you for a lot of mistakes you make with them. And in most cases they'll turn out okay. Just like us, they have their ups and downs. But don't look back! If you keep
punishing yourself for a supposed mistake you made six or ten years ago, it will be like picking at scabs and opening wounds again that never heal. Keep your attention
and energy focused on the present, the here-and-now, where you are needed most.

Finally, if a problem with a child persists no matter what you do, get some help. If your child has a problem that goes on and on despite everything you do to correct or
remedy itget help. You don't necessarily have to see a shrink. Maybe you can talk with an older, mature woman who has successfully raised a large family. Ask her
how she dealt with problems like yours. Maybe you need to see a therapist, but choose one who is topflight. Or take a parenting workshop. If you have a super
rebellious teenager, join Tough Love, a nationwide parents' support group with virtually no costs or fees (look it up in the phone book).

Raising good kids isn't easy. But the alternative is so much worse. My wife and I would never trade our nine childrennow all adultsfor anything in the world. They are
our treasures. The work, the money spent, the time given, the sacrifices made, the tears shed, were an extremely small price for what we got. It is my hope that it will so
be for you.

_____

Victor B. Cline was born in Seattle, Washington, and was raised in Southern California. He received his B.A. and Ph.D. degrees in psychology from the University of
California at Berkeley. He has worked as a research scientist for George Washington University's Human Resources Research Office and later joined the Department
of Psychology at the University of Utah, where he is now an emeritus professor. He and his wife, Lois, are the parents of nine children, and they are currently presidents
of Marriage and Family Enrichment, a nationwide nonprofit seminar organization. He also engages in a counseling and psychotherapy practice in Salt Lake City,
specializing in marriage and family counseling and addictive illnesses.

2 As Christ Would Parent

Glenn I. Latham

Though in scripture he is often referred to as "Father," there is no record of Christ having had a family of his own. Nevertheless, his teachings, and those of his disciples
both ancient and modern leave us no doubt as to what he expects of parents in the rearing of their children.

In this chapter I emphasize the need for parents to acquire specific parenting skills that are taught to us by both scripture and science. Brigham Young observed, "God
will improve the religion of the nations of the earth in proportion to the improvement made in the sciences" (Discourses of Brigham Young, comp. John A. Widtsoe
[Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1954], p. 108). We have certainly seen that to be true in the field of mass communication, which has made it possible for the
teachings of Christ to be broadcast instantaneously to millions of listeners and viewers around the globe. Advances in technology have made it possible for the disciples
of Christ to travel considerable distances in a matter of hours, even minutes, to be physically in the company of those they are servinga circumstance which in
generations past could have taken days, weeks, or months.

Though these advances in the physical sciences are nothing short of spectacular, even miraculous, parallel advances in the behavioral sciences have been no less
spectacular. Through research about human behavior we have learned marvelous ways of improving our parenting abilities. With this research we have designed
valuable, effective parenting skills, all of which are consistent with the teachings of Christ.

I suspect that easily ninety percent of good parenting is just simple, basic common sense. But as my good friend, colleague, and teacher Dr. Howard Sloane observed
to me thirty years ago, "It's common sense applied systematically." That is where the remaining ten percent becomes critical.

We live in a remarkably complex world. The tools of the past are no longer adequate for all the tasks of today. The tools my father and grandfather used to turn their
North Dakota prairie soil into fertile farmland were adequate for turn-of-the-century farming, but they are antiques today. And so it is with parenting. In generations
past, common sense, common knowledge, conventional wisdom, necessity, and intuition were usually quite adequate for raising a stable family. But not so today. In
today's complex world, parents need skills. The teachings of Christ tell us what to do in raising children. That's the ninety percent. The science of human behavior tells
us how to do it. That's the ten percent.

Though what I discuss in this chapter is anchored in science, as well as in the teachings and example of Christ, it is not difficult to understand. At times it might be hard
to believe, but nothing about it is hard to understand. There might be a feeling of resistance in wanting to do it, but there is little to no difficulty in being able to do it. In
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I call your attention to the Old Testament account of Naaman the leper, as recorded in 2 Kgs. 5:1-14. Naaman was a commanding officer of the Syrian army, a "great
us how to do it. That's the ten percent.

Though what I discuss in this chapter is anchored in science, as well as in the teachings and example of Christ, it is not difficult to understand. At times it might be hard
to believe, but nothing about it is hard to understand. There might be a feeling of resistance in wanting to do it, but there is little to no difficulty in being able to do it. In
fact, once learned (that is, acquired as a skill), it becomes quite easy and so effective that one would never think of parenting any other way!

I call your attention to the Old Testament account of Naaman the leper, as recorded in 2 Kgs. 5:1-14. Naaman was a commanding officer of the Syrian army, a "great
man" and "honourable," "a mighty man in valour, but he was a leper."

On the advice of his wife's maid, an Israelite, Naaman was put in touch with the prophet Elisha, "for he would recover [Naaman] of his leprosy." What Elisha told
Naaman to do was certainly easy to understand and easy to do. Elisha told Naaman, "Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and
thou shalt be clean."

Though this was easy to understand and to do, Naaman had difficulty accepting Elisha's counsel. He "was wroth" and asked angrily, "Are not Abana and Pharpar,
rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? . . . So he turned and went away in a rage."

As counselors work with parents who are struggling with the behaviors of their children, they occasionally encounter similar resistance, even though what they counsel
them to do is easy to understand and altogether doable. The parents sometimes become annoyed: "There is nothing the matter with my behavior. It's my kid's behavior
that's out of whack. But you're telling me that I have to change my behavior!" And sometimes they, like Naaman, go away upset.

Naaman's servants pleaded with him: "My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? How much rather than, when he saith
to thee, Wash, and be clean?"

At last Naaman acquiesced, perhaps more out of desperation than anything else: "Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the
saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean."

There is a great parenting message in this timeless story. If parents will do even a few simple things "according to the saying of the [men] of God" and behavioral
scientists of good will, remarkable and even seemingly miraculous improvements will occur in their relationships with their children. As noted by Alma to his son
Helaman, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6).

While I was serving as the bishop of a married student ward at Utah State University, a young mother and father came to my office after church one Sunday, perplexed
about the behavior of their young son. They said they had tried everything, and matters were only getting worse. When I visited them in their home the following
Tuesday evening, it quickly became evident what was the matter, and I made a few easy-to-do suggestions. We then did some practice and role-playing so that I was
sure they had learned exactly what to do and how to do it.

The following Sunday before Primary, I quietly asked the mother of this little boy (who had been driving his parents crazy), "How's it going?" The mother's face lit up. A
tear glistened in her eye and she said, "Bishop, it's a miracle!" Later, when we had more time, she described to me in considerable detail what had happened and how
such little things had made such a big difference.

This was by no means a rare or unique experience for me as I served as bishop to several hundred young families over the nearly four years of that calling. It was
wonderful to be told again and again, "It's a miracle." But performing miracles was never my intention. Miracles are hard to replicate. What I wanted was for those
young parents to learn some basic, easy-to-apply parenting skills with which they could properly "train up [their children] in the way [they] should go" (Prov. 22:6).

Below, within four broad areas of responsibility, I illustrate sev-eral parenting skills exemplified by the life of Christ that all parents should possess. It is by no means an
exhaustive treatment of all valuable, effective parenting skills. But as I work daily with parents, I have found that when these skills are applied consistently, accurately,
and continually, the great majority of parenting problems are either solved completely or are reduced in seriousness to the point of being altogether tolerable.

At this point I must emphasize the importance of applying these skills continually. Time is an important variable in the shaping or mending of human behavior. Overnight
success is rarely achieved, particularly with older adolescent children. We are taught a great lesson in this regard from the allegory of the tame and wild olive trees, as
recorded in the fifth chapter of Jacob. Figuratively, the house of Israel is likened "unto a tame olive tree" (verse 3). Over time, the olive tree, and the vineyard of which it
was a part, became corrupt and began to "bring forth evil fruit" (verse 35).

The Lord of the vineyard was grieved and, while weeping, said to his servants, "What could I have done more in my vineyard? Have I slackened mine hand, that I have
not nourished it? Nay, I have nourished it, and I have digged about it, and I have pruned it, . . . and I have stretched forth my hand almost all the day long." (Verse 47.)

How often I hear grieving parents with the same lament! The distraught mother of an errant seventeen-year-old son was in my office one day. Tears streamed down her
face as she acquainted me with her grief: "It isn't fair, Brother Latham. It just isn't fair! I have kept myself clean and unspotted from the world so that I could be a good
mother. I served an honorable mission, and after my mission I married a worthy elder in the temple. He too had served an honorable mission. We did everything we
had been taught to do. I don't know what else we could have done. This just isn't fair!" I assured her that she was absolutely correct; it was not fair. But fairness isn't
the most important issue where parenting is concerned. The most important issue is for parents to behave as Christ would behave, as described herein.

The Lord of the vineyard was beside himself, and he said to his servant, "Let us go to and hew down the trees of the vineyard and cast them into the fire . . . for I have
done all. What could I have done more for my vineyard?" (Verse 49.)

How often I hear parents of out-of-control older adolescent children say, "I have no option but to kick the kid out of the house!" Parents shouldn't do that! The longer
you keep a child home and under proper parental influence, the more likely it is that the child will be successful as an adult. Don't ever forget that!

"But . . . the servant said unto the Lord of the vineyard: Spare it a little longer. And the Lord said: Yea, I will spare it a little longer." (Verses 50-51.) "Perhaps, the trees
of my vineyard may bring forth again good fruit; and . . . I may have joy again in the fruit of my vineyard" (verse 60).

The Lord of the vineyard and his servants then began to "labor diligently with [their] might in the vineyard" (verse 61). But (and this is very, very important) the Lord of
the vineyard instructed his servants that they should "not clear away the bad thereof all at once." Rather, he instructed them to "clear away the bad according as the
good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad." (Verses 65-66.)

We have learned in the study of human behavior, as the prophet Zenos knew centuries ago, that behavior that changes direction too rapidly tends to regress to its old
ways. Small, incremental changes over time tend to produce the most lasting, durable results (see 2 Ne. 28:30; Glenn I. Latham, The Power of Positive Parenting [Salt
Lake City: Northwest Publishing, 1994], pp. 144-45). The Savior taught this valuable lesson, as found in Matt. 13:3-8, in the parable of the sower: "Some [seeds] fell
upon stony places,
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scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away." (Verses 5-6.) With the root and the top being unequal in strength, the plant perished.

I am inclined to wonder if a too-rapid change of behavior contributed to the dramatic falling away of so many of the thousands, "even tens of thousands," of Nephites
We have learned in the study of human behavior, as the prophet Zenos knew centuries ago, that behavior that changes direction too rapidly tends to regress to its old
ways. Small, incremental changes over time tend to produce the most lasting, durable results (see 2 Ne. 28:30; Glenn I. Latham, The Power of Positive Parenting [Salt
Lake City: Northwest Publishing, 1994], pp. 144-45). The Savior taught this valuable lesson, as found in Matt. 13:3-8, in the parable of the sower: "Some [seeds] fell
upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth. And when the sun was up, they were
scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away." (Verses 5-6.) With the root and the top being unequal in strength, the plant perished.

I am inclined to wonder if a too-rapid change of behavior contributed to the dramatic falling away of so many of the thousands, "even tens of thousands," of Nephites
who were baptized into the Church, as recorded in Hel. 3:24-26. In a scant five verses of scripture, and over but a few years' time, those converts degenerated from a
state of "peace and exceedingly great joy" (verse 32) to a state of "exceedingly great pride" (verse 36), ultimately losing many lives at the hands of the Lamanite armies
(see Alma 4:5, 11).

Parents of errant children are well advised not to be in too much of a hurry for their children to return fully and actively to the value system. My research has shown that
if a child leaves the value system during adolescence, the probability is close to zero that the child will come back into the value systemand remain thereduring
adolescence (see Latham, Positive Parenting, pp. 135-44). However, if parents will rise above the behavior of those children; will continuously model maturity, self-
confidence, and Christlike living; and will get on with their lives with purpose and determination; the probabilities are great that as adults those errant children will return
as active participants in the value system.

Not all will return, but a great majority will (the data indicate between eighty-five and ninety percent return to the value system) if parents properly set the stage for that
return. As noted in the allegory of the tame and wild olive trees, the Lord of the vineyard and his servants labored with all their might that perhaps the trees of their
vineyard would bring forth good fruit (see Jacob 5:60-62). With human behavior, one can rarely, if ever, be absolutely certain that people will behave in a predictable
way every time and in every situation. But if we establish the right conditions, the chances are great that the desired results will eventually be realized.

A distraught couple came to see me because their sixteen-year-old daughter was "out of control" and they wanted to know what they could do to "get her straightened
out." After hearing their vivid descriptions of the girl's behaviors, it was clear to me that she was indeed beyond the immediate control of the parents, and that achieving
the results they were yearning for was going to be long in coming. When I told them that it would likely be five to seven years before things would be much better, the
mother broke down and wept. She was hoping for something like five to seven days, or a few weeks at most. It doesn't happen that way. Human behavior being what
it is, there is always the remote possibility for a dramatic, metamorphic change (usually brought on by trauma), to take place in such a child's behavior, but it is unlikely.

I was reminded on one occasion of the time it takes for troubled adolescent behavior to improve. While shopping at a local supermarket, I met a couple with whom I
had worked several years earlier. At that time their nearly seventeen-year-old son had been "off the wall"failing in school, having serious Word of Wisdom problems,
running with the wrong crowd, and so on. In short, he was behaving outside of the family value system and having the time of his life!

This couple and I had discussed at length a few alternative parenting strategies, some of which are addressed below, and they had agreed "to do it." Of course, they
had to make some significant changes in their own behavior first, and though it took a few practice sessions for them to learn the skills they needed, they did indeed "do
it."

Upon meeting the parents at the supermarket, and after exchanging greetings, the mother said, "I suppose we should have told you this a long time ago, but our boy
finally straightened out, went on a mission, and is now going to school at the university. You know, that stuff really works! But it takes time." You bet it really works,
and here is a description of what some of "that stuff" is.

Four Important Parenting Responsibilities Exemplified By the Life of Christ

1. Christ would teach his children what is expected of them. We as parents have the primary responsibility for teaching our children (see D&C 68:25-28). Though the
auxiliary programs of the Church can help, the main responsibility rests with parents. That responsibility rests with no one else! Some years ago a prominent Church
leader in the area where I lived came to me, simply beside himself over the behavior of two of his childrenand he had reason to be concerned.

We grieved together deep into the night and into the early hours of the morning, and though many things were discussed and many feelings shared, nothing made a more
lasting impression on me than did this good brother's reflection on his first and fundamental responsibility as a father. "Brother Latham," he said, "almost from the time I
was married I have either been a counselor in a bishopric or a bishop, a counselor in a stake presidency or a stake president. I have spent the better part of my
parenting years away from my family in Church service, all the while thinking that if I took care of the Saints, the Lord would take care of my family. But I was wrong.
It wasn't until it was too late that I realized that my family was my first responsibility all along." Then he wept.

As I work with members of the Church far and wide, I am forever amazed at how often parents put other things before parenting, sometimes even Church serviceand
sometimes even to the point of hiding behind Church callings as a shield from parenting responsibilities! Not infrequently young mothers will take me aside, tears bathing
their faces, with the sad lament of that of a mother I recently encountered: "My husband is a good man, but he's never home. He's thirty-four years old and the bishop.
We have five children and they rarely see their father. He's a wonderful bishop, and the members of the ward love him. I can see why he would give more of his time
and attention to his Church calling. Being adored by ward members has got to be more pleasant than dealing with dirty diapers, crying babies, and fighting kids. But
they need him more as a father than the ward needs him as a bishop."

What parents in Zion must understand is that the only unit of society that will outlast mortality is the family. Not even the Church in its exact present form will outlast
mortality! Though we certainly should be active in Church service, we must be active in the family, which is the most noble Church service of all. In its finest sense, that
means teaching our children what is expected of them.

The Church, as the premier source of family support on the face of the earth, has established among its many superb programs a means by which parents can teach
their children what is expected of them and how to behave accordingly. Unfortunately, many LDS families ignore this potent and powerful teaching tool. It is called
family home evening (sometimes satirized as the only fight that begins and ends with prayer).

In 1970, while I was a graduate student at Utah State University, Elder Howard W. Hunter was the visiting authority at our stake conference, which was held in the
beautiful historic Logan Tabernacle. As the concluding speaker at the afternoon session of conference, Elder Hunter told us of our responsibility as parents to hold
family home evening faithfully every Monday night. Emphasizing the commitment of the Church to this program, he reminded us that no Church activities were to be
held on Monday night and meetinghouses were to be closed and locked. Even the temples would not be open in deference to family home evening. Then he said
something I'll never forget. People often ask, he said, how they can possibly put everything else asideChurch activities, work, studies, whateverand devote Monday
evenings entirely to their families. His answer was simple and direct: "We can't tell you how to do it. We just expect you to do it."

Louise and I left that meeting committed to "doing it." We had six children, were living on a meager graduate student stipend (Louise was fully employed at home), and
our days and evenings were full. Nevertheless, the prophet had spoken, and why sustain a prophet if we are not willing to listen to him?
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Every Monday night, until the children were in bed asleep, was family home evening. There were times when these indeed were fights that began and ended with
prayer. We were astonished at Satan's singular crusade to destroy Mondays, typically beginning about 5 p.m. (It might interest you to know that the Church announced
the Monday night family home evening program the week of 4 October 1970 [see Church News, 10 October 1970, pp. 3, 6]. Monday Night Football commenced 21
evenings entirely to their families. His answer was simple and direct: "We can't tell you how to do it. We just expect you to do it."

Louise and I left that meeting committed to "doing it." We had six children, were living on a meager graduate student stipend (Louise was fully employed at home), and
our days and evenings were full. Nevertheless, the prophet had spoken, and why sustain a prophet if we are not willing to listen to him?

Every Monday night, until the children were in bed asleep, was family home evening. There were times when these indeed were fights that began and ended with
prayer. We were astonished at Satan's singular crusade to destroy Mondays, typically beginning about 5 p.m. (It might interest you to know that the Church announced
the Monday night family home evening program the week of 4 October 1970 [see Church News, 10 October 1970, pp. 3, 6]. Monday Night Football commenced 21
September 1970 [ABC Archives, 1994, personal communication]. If you think it's a coincidence that Monday Night Football preceded Monday night family home
evening by a mere two weeks, I'd like to talk to you about a bridge I have for sale in Brooklyn. Cheap!)

Despite the occasional associated miseries, we regularly and consistently held family home evening. It was in my daytimer as FHE every Monday night. There was no
room left to write in anything else.

The years passed, our children grew up, and almost before we knew it they were leaving home and striking out on their own. One day I found myself wondering if FHE
had really been of much value to our family. I decided to ask the children. The results were so dramatic that I wrote about them in an article that was published in the
Ensign, titled, "Do We Have To? Another Look at Family Home Evening" (April 1984, pp. 66-67). To my astonishment, our children's recollections of family home
evening were virtually 180 degrees from what I expected them to be. From the article in the Ensign, here is a sample of responses from our children when asked, "What
do you remember most about family home evening?"

We've had some really good times together in family home evening: bowling, miniature golf, picnics in the canyon." Others remembered the time we did charades and
when we wrote down the things we like about each other and, of course, one liked the refreshments best.

Amazed at this outpouring of positive recollections, I probed deeper. "Is there anything else that you consider to be particularly characteristic of family home evening?
Anything at all?"

Again, I received positive responses:

"Your lessons are always good, Dad."

"Family home evening has straightened out a lot of messed up days and ended the day on a high."

"They just make me feel good."

Finally, after further probing, my oldest daughter said, quite casu-ally, "Oh, sometimes we complain a little about family home evening."

"Sometimes!" I thought. "A little!" Those bad times were all Iremembered. "What happened?" I asked myself. "How could I have missed all of that great stuff?"

Our six children are raised now. Three of them live near us in the Logan area. It will likely come as no surprise to you that every Monday night we gather as a family at
the home of one of our daughters and her good husband for FHE. What a legacy. What a lesson. What a family!

2. Christ would nurture his children with "gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge" (D&C 121:41-42). What this means in
terms of parenting is that we neverno, not on one single occasion do we everscream at or strike a child for disciplinary purposes. Never, never, ever! If you have any
question about what I mean by never, I refer you to its definition, as found in Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary: (1) "Not ever: at no time," (2) "Not in any degree:
not under any condition."

In all of the research I have seen on human behavior and how to shape, manage, and fix it, there is not one single shred of evidence that supports shouting, screaming,
or hitting (including spanking) as defensible methods for child rearing. None! My wife, who has never raised her voice in anger in her life, has a nice way of putting it: "If
you have nothing worth saying, say it loud."

In parents' verbal exchanges with annoying, disobedient, misbehaving children, they often commit three common errors: First, they react with anger. They say things that
are mean, critical, and cutting. None of those would ever fall from the lips of the Savior. The following passage by an unknown author is timely advice; I've used this
strategy for years and it works beautifully. It is called "The Pause That Refreshes."

I am the father of a large family. I go home tired from the routine of busy days. Before I cross the threshold, I pause. I reflect for just a moment to remember what may
be inside. Someone probably broke a dish. The carpet sweeper may be out of order. There may be a broken arm. The neighbor may be phoning us about a paper our
boy did not deliver. There may be children to jump on me for attention and love (maybe with jam on their hands) to tell me the important happenings of the day.

So I pause and repeat a prayer something like this: "O Lord, may my presence in this home bring faith and a cheerful good evening to those I love. May my
homecoming strengthen this home and bring us together, not tear us apart. Keep my voice even, that I may build confidence and respect in me as their father and their
friend."

This is the "pause that refreshes." I walk in prepared to act, happily and positivelynot to react in an unbalanced way. It is amazing what it will do for me. We can try this
not only in the home but also in a meeting that promises to be tense in which human relations are bristling.

The "pause that refreshes" is the priceless moment when we root the center of emotional gravity within us where it belongs, rather than in the social climate into which
we are going.

Let us try the "pause that refreshes" plan. It will give us power and influence as fathers, mothers, and leaders.

Isn't that wonderful! What a powerful example of stable, proactive parenting.

I have a dear friend and colleague at Utah State University who, upon arriving home at the end of the day, would pause at the threshold of the front door. After opening
the door, but before entering the house, he would kindly call out, "Does anyone in this family love me?"

From throughout the house, his family would call back to him: "I love you, Daddy," "I love you, dear," "You bet I love you, Dad!"

After hearing
 Copyright   (c)from each of his
                  2005-2009,     family members,
                               Infobase           he would lovingly call back: "Then why aren't you here giving me a hug and a kiss?" And they would come
                                          Media Corp.                                                                                                     running.
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Before this good man had even entered the house he had already exchanged warm expressions of love and affection with every member of his family. Can you imagine
the effect of that on the quality of the environment in that home for the remainder of the evening?
the door, but before entering the house, he would kindly call out, "Does anyone in this family love me?"

From throughout the house, his family would call back to him: "I love you, Daddy," "I love you, dear," "You bet I love you, Dad!"

After hearing from each of his family members, he would lovingly call back: "Then why aren't you here giving me a hug and a kiss?" And they would come running.
Before this good man had even entered the house he had already exchanged warm expressions of love and affection with every member of his family. Can you imagine
the effect of that on the quality of the environment in that home for the remainder of the evening?

As parents, you might want to conspicuously display this bit of sage advice on your bedroom or bathroom mirror, where you'll see it every day and be constantly
reminded of the importance of bridling your tongue and controlling your anger:

Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability for making things better, don't say it and don't do it.

An ounce of "I didn't say it" is worth a pound of "I didn't mean it."

In the early 1970s, while I was on the faculty of the University of Oregon, I served as a member of the Willamette Oregon Stake high council. Occasionally the youth
program would sponsor stake dances, and members of the high council were assigned as chaperones. One Saturday evening while I was on duty, a couple of husky
boys whom I recognized as members of their respective priests quorum were competing for the attention of an attractive young lady. They decided to settle the matter
out in the parking lot. But they didn't make it there. By the time they had reached the back door of the church, blows were already falling and I was called in to break
up the fight.

As you can imagine, a crowd of enthusiastic, encouraging onlookers had gathered. I worked my way through the crowd, where I was met by two very angry, intense,
and big boys! For me to have stepped between them would have been an invitation to disastereither one of the boys could have broken me in two as if I were a
matchstick. To have tried to catch their attention by shouting above the roar of the crowd would have been absolutely futile. Rather, I got as close as I dared, looked
each boy in the eye, and asked quietly, "What priesthood office do you boys hold?" The response was instantaneous. They dropped their fists as if they were made of
lead, looked at each other and at me, and then each quietly responded, "I'm a priest." I asked, "What is the duty of a priest, as found in the twentieth section of the
Doctrine and Covenants?" Neither one knew, so I told them. "Among other things, it is your duty ï¿½to see that there is no iniquity in the church, neither hardness with
each other.' Does that sound familiar to you?"

By now the crowd was hushed. People were starting to trickle away. Eyes were staring at the floor. Both boys quietly and meekly answered, "Yes." Then I said, "I'm
glad you boys understand what the Lord expects of you." I patted each one on the shoulder, looked at them, smiled, and said, "Now I'll leave you fellows alone to
settle your differences." As I walked away, I looked back to see them shake hands. Though I couldn't hear it, from the lips of the boy whose face I could see I could
easily tell what he said: "I'm sorry." The fight was over.

In D&C 31:9, Christ gives us wonderful direction: "Revile not against those that revile. Govern your house in meekness and be steadfast." What that means, very
simply, is that we should not return "railing for railing," that we should "not turn and revile again" (3 Ne. 6:13) we should not return shouting with shouting, hitting with
hitting, anger with anger, name calling with name calling. Though others in the family might be out of control, we as parents must be in control, meek, and steadfast.

On at least two occasions the Savior was the perfect example of calmness in the face of fury and turmoil. Accused of all manner of falsehoods, Jesus, standing before
Pilate, was asked, "Hearest thou not how many things they witness against thee?" The Savior's response was classic: "And he answered him never . . . a word;
insomuch that the governor marveled greatly." (Matt. 27:13-14.)

The second occasion was the visit of Christ to the Nephites, following his resurrection. While the Nephites marveled with one another about the dramatic events of the
previous days, "they heard a voice as if it came out of heaven; . . . it was not a harsh voice, neither was it a loud voice; nevertheless, and notwithstanding it being a small
voice it did pierce them that did hear to the center" (3 Ne. 11:3). Parents, if you really want to be heard, say it quietly, say it softly.

These are sublime models to follow. No matter what the circumstances, as parents we are well advised to be calm, quiet, and nonreactive. The following scenario
illustrates how parents can be calm and in complete control even when a child is enraged and out of control:

Child:I hate you, Mother. You make me sick. I wish you'd die!

Mother:I'm really sorry you feel that way, dear. I can tell you are angry. Let's talk about it in a while when you're not so angry.

Child:Don't pull that active listening empathy crap on me, Mom. That makes me sicker than you do!

Mother:When you're angry, it's hard to hear anything that's acceptable. You'll feel better soon. Let's talk then.

(Positive Parenting, p. 169.)

The mother "answered him never a word." She didn't revile. She didn't return railing for railing. Research has revealed that in such settings, if parents remain calm, quiet,
reflective, direct, and unintimi-dated, in ninety-seven out of one hundred instances the child, within a minute or less, will quiet down and become reasonable and ready
to comply, or at least ready to negotiate a solution.

The second common error irate parents typically commit is hitting a child, including spanking, as a means of discipline. I tell you this without reservation: never hit a child
in anger, or as a means of punishment or of controlling behavior. The message delivered by years of research on the long-term negative effects of spanking and hitting is
unequivocal. An adequate representation of this research was published by The Harvard Educational Newsletter under the title "Corporal Punishment: Paddling Against
the Stream" (May/June 1994, pp. 5-6). The following excerpt emphasizes what needs to be said about this matter: "When we paddle children, the message we're giving
is, ï¿½I'm bigger than you so I have the right to use violence against you.' We think we're teaching one thing when we're actively doing another. It's the hidden message
kids hear the loudest."

The enduring and venerable adage "Spare the rod and spoil the child" has inadvertently heaped mountains of misery on children in the guise of discipline masquerading
as good parenting. It has its origin in a biblical scripture found in Prov. 13:24: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." It is
not my intention to take on the book of Proverbs, nor to question the wisdom of Solomon, who may have written this proverb, but a lot has been learned through
science in the last three thousand years about teaching children to behave well. I'm sure if Solomon were alive today, being as wise as he was then, he'd counsel us to
learn wiser and more fitting lessons from science. He would probably even quote his father, David, who said, "Thy rod and thy staff comfort me" (Ps. 23:4).

President Gordon B. Hinckley, in an October 1994 general conference address, recalled his own and his father's Christlike approach to child rearing:
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I have never accepted the principle of "spare the rod and spoil the child." I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children.
Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.
learn wiser and more fitting lessons from science. He would probably even quote his father, David, who said, "Thy rod and thy staff comfort me" (Ps. 23:4).

President Gordon B. Hinckley, in an October 1994 general conference address, recalled his own and his father's Christlike approach to child rearing:

I have never accepted the principle of "spare the rod and spoil the child." I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children.
Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don't need
beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example. (In Conference
Report, October 1994, pp. 73-74.)

Another interpretation of the word rod is "the word of God"; hence, in this context, the scripture would read, "Spare the word of God and spoil the child." I like that! In
light of what contemporary research has taught us about high- and low-risk families, not only is that a fitting interpretation, it's good advice. (See Positive Parenting, p.
199.) Jesus never recommended hitting kids!

The third most common error parents commit when confronted with a difficult-to-manage child is to lapse into despairto use a lot of useless questioning and to begin
arguing and trying to reason with the child: "What am I going to do with you? I've tried everything! Surely you have to know why you can't use the car on Sunday to go
to a rock concert! It amazes me that you'd even ask. I just don't know what I'm going to do with you."

Think about it. What is the probability, after having said these kinds of things, that a child would respond compliantly and say, "You're right, Father. I can see that this is
troubling you more than you deserve to be troubled. I surely didn't want to upset you. Just forget about the car, and I'll forget about the concert. Rather, I think I'll go to
the stake fireside on dating." Arguing with your child and succumbing to the frustration you may feel simply will not work.

3. Christ would allow his children to exercise their moral agency and let consequences do the talking for him. When asked how he governed his people, Joseph Smith
answered, "I teach the people correct principles and they govern themselves" (as quoted in Journal of Discourses 10:57-58). But he didn't say they always governed
themselves well!

When children are very young, parents have a clear responsibility to directly govern (or in other words, control) their behavior. We literally lift them out of harm's way
to save them from pain, suffering, and even death from dangers they don't understand.

As they grow older, however, we can no longer directly intervene in their lives and the decisions they make. It is at that point in their growth and development that we
must step back, permit them to act, and let the consequences deliver the message. Both the model of how to do this and the value of doing it are found in the Pearl of
Great Price. The model for how to do it was established by the Lord when he told Adam, "Thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that
I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" (Moses 3:17). Though it was forbidden, it was permitted, yet it had consequences.

Adam and Eve disobeyed, and the consequences delivered a powerful messagea message, in fact, that was regarded by Adam and Eve as a blessing. The Pearl of
Great Price tells us that Adam "began to prophesy . . . , saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall
have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God. And Eve . . . was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have
known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient. And Adam and Eve blessed the name of
God." (Moses 5:10-12.)

The only way we can learn is by exercising our moral agency. Satan's efforts to deny us of that opportunity helped make him what he is (see Moses 4:3). This must not
be construed to mean that we should invite transgression into our lives or into the lives of our children. It simply means that the natural consequences of inappropriate
behavior can often deliver powerful messages that can be delivered in no other way, and in those instances we as parents should not shelter our children from these
messages.

The following scenario helps illustrate how parents can allow consequences to deliver the message without getting angry, without shouting, and without hitting:

Parent:I'm sorry you were upset and became so angry that you broke the lamp. That was so uncharacteristic of you. We need to come to an agreement on how you
will pay to have it replaced. Do you have any suggestions?

[Note: As quickly as possible, engage the child in the problem-solving process.]

Child:Why do I have to pay for it? Other kids break things around their houses and they don't have to pay for it. Just because I broke it because I was mad doesn't
mean that I should have to pay for it. This just isn't fair. And after all, that idiot brother of mine started it. You're always picking on me.

[Note: It isn't unusual for a child to respond this way. People are always trying to figure out ways of avoiding responsibility for their own behavior. It is certainly no
different for children.]

Parent:Paying for our mistakes is certainly no fun. In this instance, what suggestions do you have for paying for this breakage?

[Note: The parent totally and completely ignores any of the stuff the child says that is designed to relieve him of any responsibility or to pull the conversation off course.
The parent simply responds with empathy and then restates the question.]

Child:Mom, this just isn't fair! Why should I have to pay? No one else ever has to pay! I just don't believe I'm being treated fairly.

Parent:I'm sorry you feel you are being treated unfairly. What suggestions do you have for paying for this breakage?

Child:I don't have any suggestions. I don't even know what it would cost.

[Note: Now we are getting somewhere. In about ninety-five times out of one hundred, if parents will stay on course and not be dragged into an argument with the child
over what is right or wrong, fair or unfair, after only two attempts at derailing the conversation the child will begin to come around. However, if after the third time the
child is still balking, the parent should terminate the discussion by saying the following.]

Parent:I can tell you are not ready to discuss this matter yet. I'm ready to discuss it anytime you are. In the meantime . . . [Note: At this point indicate a reasonable
consequence that will remain in place until the child is ready to discuss the matter to resolution. That consequence might be having to stay home or being denied the
privilege of using his bicycle or driving the car or whatever is age-appropriate for the child. When the child is ready to discuss the matter to resolution, proceed as
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Parent:I'm glad you are ready to discuss the matter and get it resolved. What suggestions do you have for paying for this breakage?
Parent:I can tell you are not ready to discuss this matter yet. I'm ready to discuss it anytime you are. In the meantime . . . [Note: At this point indicate a reasonable
consequence that will remain in place until the child is ready to discuss the matter to resolution. That consequence might be having to stay home or being denied the
privilege of using his bicycle or driving the car or whatever is age-appropriate for the child. When the child is ready to discuss the matter to resolution, proceed as
follows.]

Parent:I'm glad you are ready to discuss the matter and get it resolved. What suggestions do you have for paying for this breakage?

[Note: The parent does not scold the child for delaying the discussion or carrying on about what a terrible thing was done. Rather, the child is thanked for being ready
to discuss the matter. Remember, attend only to those behaviors you want strengthened.]

Child:Well, I guess I could pay for it out of my allowance [or out of what is earned from a paper route, baby-sitting, a job, or whatever is consistent with the child's
ability to pay].

Parent:Good suggestion. I'll find out what it is going to cost to repay the breakage and then let you know. At that time, we will come to an agreement of some sort on a
reasonable pay-back schedule.

[Note: If it is an irreplaceable item such as an heirloom, objet d'art, a gift from another country, or whatever, some kind of replacement (as part of the consequence)
should be insisted upon. Whatever payment is selected, it should be reasonable and accomplishable by the child. Obviously, the child should not be expected to pay on
the thing for the next four years of his life. And besides, that is not the point. The point is that this is an opportunity to teach the child a lesson in being responsible for his
actions. That is the bottom line. It is more of a learning experience than it is an effort to replace value for value. In the long run, if handled correctly, the lesson learned
will be of infinitely greater value than was the object that was damaged or destroyed.] (See Positive Parenting, pp. 63-64.)

4. Finally, Christ would pray for his children unceasingly. In Alma 34, Amulek instructed the Zoramites to "cry unto [the Lord] in your houses, yea, over all your
household, both morning, mid-day, and evening." Further, he instructed them to "cry unto him against the powers of your enemies. Yea, cry unto him against the devil,
who is an enemy to all righteousness." (Verses 21-23.)

Christ set the example, as found in 3 Ne. 17:21, 24:1 "And he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them." Then
"angels[descend[ed] out of heaven . . . and encircled those little ones . . . and the angels did minister unto them."

What a perfect example for parents to follow, the fruits of which are perhaps best illustrated in the experiences of Alma as he agonized over the behavior of his son
Alma, recorded in Mosiah 27. Alma the Younger, with the sons of Mosiah, was going about to destroy the church of God . . . and to lead astray the people of the
Lord" (verse 10). Nevertheless, though "they were the very vilest of sinners" (Mosiah 28:4), the Lord heard father Alma's prayers, "for he . . . prayed with much
faith" (Mosiah 27:14). Through angelic ministration, Alma and the sons of Mosiah were brought to a knowledge of the truth, ultimately becoming among the most valiant
and effective missionaries in all of scripture.

Not all of the prayers of anxious parents are answered so dramatically as were those of Alma. But perhaps if we as parents knew all there was to know about the
effects of our prayers in behalf of our children, they would be no less dramatic. It will be at a time yet to come, when we will be able to look back on what happened,
that we will know "the rest of the story."

Elder John H. Groberg of the Seventy, in his gripping account of his mission to Tonga, recalls one such instance while stranded alone at a wharf in Fiji en route to his
assigned field of labor:

I closed my eyes again, this time in prayer. Suddenly I felt almost transported. I didn't see anything or hear anything in a physical sense. But in a more real sense, I saw
my family in far-off Idaho kneeling together in prayer. I heard one, acting as mouth, say as clearly as anything can be heard, "And bless John on his mission."

As that faithful family called down the powers of heaven to bless their missionary son in a way they could not physically do, the powers of heaven came down, lifted me
up, and in a spiritual way allowed me for a brief moment to once again join my family circle in prayer. I was one with them. I was literally swallowed up in the love and
concern of a loving family and sensed for a moment what being taken into the bosom of Abraham might be like (see Luke 16:22). . . .

Tears of joy flowed freely as I had restored to me the warmth of family, the light of love, and the strength of hope. When I again felt the hard, uneven cement beneath
me, there was no fear, no sorrow, no trepidation, only deep gratitude and assurance. (In the Eye of the Storm [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1993], pp. 20-21.)

No matter whether our children are, as was Alma the Younger, "the very vilest of sinners," or dedicated with all their hearts to serving God and man, as was young
Elder Groberg, we must cry unto the Lord over them "morning, mid-day, and evening" (Alma 34:21).

It is quite typical for children of the same family to have varying degrees of commitment to the principles of salvation, but our love and concern should never favor one
over the other. When we kneel daily in prayer, we must be equally mindful of each of them, that all will be saved and not perish (see Moro. 9:22).

Elder Boyd K. Packer of theQuorum of the Twelve reminded us of our responsibility to our wayward children, and of the divine promises made to faithful parents:

It is not uncommon for responsible parents to lose one of their children, for a time, to influences over which they have no control. They agonize over rebellious sons or
daughters. They are puzzled over why they are so helpless when they have tried so hard to do what they should.

It is my conviction that those wicked influences one day will be overruled.

"The Prophet Joseph Smith declaredand he never taught a more comforting doctrinethat the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is
upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to
come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent
Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father's heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to
them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God." (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110.) (In Conference Report, April
1992, p. 94.)

Conclusion

Whether quoting scripture or referencing the scientific literature, the positive, controlled, calm, prayerful approach to parenting is the only reasonable and ultimately
most  successful
 Copyright       way to go. My
            (c) 2005-2009,      dear friend
                            Infobase   Mediaand  mentor Dr. Sidney Bijou has expressed it as well as I've ever heard it: "Research has shown that the most
                                               Corp.                                                                                                        Pageeffective
                                                                                                                                                                    12 / way
                                                                                                                                                                          85
to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using
aversive or negative processes" ("Behaviorism: History and Educational Applications," in T. Husen and T. N. Postlethaite, eds., The International Encyclopedia of
Education [New York: Pergamon Press, 1988], pp. 444-51).
Conclusion

Whether quoting scripture or referencing the scientific literature, the positive, controlled, calm, prayerful approach to parenting is the only reasonable and ultimately
most successful way to go. My dear friend and mentor Dr. Sidney Bijou has expressed it as well as I've ever heard it: "Research has shown that the most effective way
to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using
aversive or negative processes" ("Behaviorism: History and Educational Applications," in T. Husen and T. N. Postlethaite, eds., The International Encyclopedia of
Education [New York: Pergamon Press, 1988], pp. 444-51).

Parents tend to use aversive stimulation to weaken undesirable behavior rather than using positives to strengthen desirable behavior. It's as though we have a passion to
punish and an aversion to teach. Children don't learn to behave well by being punished for behaving badly. They only learn how not to behave. That is a terrible way to
learn! It is a terrible way to be taught!

Kahlil Gibran, in his epic poem The Prophet, penned these classic words of wisdom for parents:

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

(The Prophet [New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1923], p. 18.)

In review, as parents we have the responsibility to (1) teach our children what is expected of them, (2) nurture them carefully, (3) allow them to exercise their moral
agency and then let consequences deliver the message, and (4) pray for our children unceasingly. This is how Christ would parent. "Go, and do thou likewise" (Luke
10:37).

_____

Glenn I. Latham, a professor of education at Utah State University, is the director of a federally funded project that provides technical assistance to ten states and the
Bureau of Indian Affairs in serving hard-to-teach and hard-to-manage children. He is a consultant and advisor to numerous school systems nationally and internationally
and has authored books, audiotapes, and a videotape training program for teachers. He has lectured extensively on family issues as a member of the Church
Educational System faculty. He and his wife, Louise, are the parents of six children and twelve grandchildren (and counting). They reside in Logan, Utah.

3 Teach Thy Children

C. Richard Chidester

A husband and wife who came to me for counsel complained that their son was being obstinate, stubborn, uncooperative, and rude. He was choosing bad friends and
was using alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. They wanted to know how to "fix" him and get him back into their control.

As I talked with them, it became clear that their son wasn't the only problem. It seemed obvious to me that these parents were getting, to a large degree, what they had
asked for. Because their own hearts and attitudes weren't right, they had not taught their son properlyeither by precept or by example. Their problem was not a lack of
technique; they had learned and used many parenting techniques propounded by the secular world. But they had failed to incorporate in their relationship with their son
many of the principles the Lord has set forth in the scriptures for relating to our children and to one another.

Certainly there are many parents who have done the right things and still have rebellious children. But the chances of such rebellion are dramatically reduced when
parents follow true gospel principles set forth by the Lord. (And this includes far more than just taking children to church!)

The Impact of Relativism on Our Society

One of the major impediments to raising moral children in our modern society is the pervasiveness of the pernicious philosophy of relativismthe concept that all truth is
relative; that there are no absolute truths; that "right" and "wrong" are matters of personal judgment. Such a philosophy seeks to eliminate universal standards and
encourages people to create their own self-serving standards. Completely antithetical to the gospel of Jesus Christ, this philosophy undermines the moral fabric of our
society.

To help counteract such evil influences, the General Authorities have published the pamphlet For the Strength of Youth (1990) and have suggested that parents study it
with their children and that leaders hold standards nights to discuss these concepts with the youth. The booklet clearly states that there still are and ever will be absolute
truths, that our Father and his Son hold us accountable for specific standards, and that we will be judged according to the light we receive and obeyor refuse to obey.

The Command to Teach

There has never been a more critical time than our own day for parents to teach their children the principles and standards of the gospel. Certainly, if we don't teach our
children, the world will. According to the scriptures, teaching our children the gospel is the greatest responsibility we have as parents.

To Adam, the Lord said: "Teach . . . unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God." The Lord further
commanded Adam to teach the principles of the gospel "freely"openly and oftento his children. (Moses 6:57-58.)

Moses instructed: "Thou shalt teach [the commandments] diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by
the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up" (Deut. 6:7).

In our dispensation the Lord stated: "I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth" (D&C 93:40). "And again, inasmuch as parents have children in
Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism
and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents" (D&C 68:25).

In an almost frightening way, parents largely hold the destiny of their children in their hands. Because of agency, children are free not to heed their parents' teaching. But
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if parents teach by precept and example, they avoid accountability for the sins of their children.

Teaching By Example
Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism
and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents" (D&C 68:25).

In an almost frightening way, parents largely hold the destiny of their children in their hands. Because of agency, children are free not to heed their parents' teaching. But
if parents teach by precept and example, they avoid accountability for the sins of their children.

Teaching By Example

Nowhere in the scriptures does the Lord imply that teaching by precept (words) alone is enough. We must also teach by example, because our children learn more by
what they experience than by what they hear.

In the scriptures, we learn that "Adam hearkened unto the voice of God, and called upon his sons to repent" (Moses 6:1). The order of Adam's actions is very
important here. First he hearkened unto the Lord; then he attempted to teach his children.

Because of his own obedience and example, Alma was able to say to his son Helaman, "I would that ye should do as I have done" (Alma 36:2). Alma powerfully
strengthened his verbal teachings by living his life in a manner that was consistent with his words.

A family home evening manual stated:

Parents enjoy a unique and powerful teaching influence in the lives of their children because

1. Parents have a near monopoly of the small child's time and attention. During most of his waking hours he is in the presence of one or both parents; he feels little
influence and knows few teachers other than his family members.

2. Because of the love felt by a young child for his parents, and because of his dependence on them, his feeling for them is akin to hero worship; Mother and Father are
the supreme authority, possessing all power and all knowledge and doing no wrong. In such a relationship, the young child's mind is open and receptive not only to
information from them, but also receptive to their own attitudes and values.

Knowingly or unknowingly, for good or for bad, a parent is constantly teaching the child. During the same time he is learning from his parents the creative and
constructive characteristics such as love, integ-rity, and confidence, the child is also receptive to their feelings of fear, anger, and deceit, which can become destructive
forces in his life.

Those values which a child perceives to be most important to his parents may well become the values by which his own life will be guided. . . .

A father who spends an unusual amount of time teaching his son to play ball, without also giving him spiritual and intellectual training, will likely influence the boy to
adopt athletics as the supreme value in his life. . . .

A mother who is overly concerned with physical beauty and fashionable clothes may find her daughter growing to be a vain woman whose highest value is to appear
physically attractive. (Family Home Evening: Walk in the Light [family home evening manual, 1975-76], p. 217.)

Teaching Personal Religious Habits

As parents, we must do everything we can to develop in our own lives the habits of personal religious worshipsuch as sincere private prayer, scripture study, church
and temple attendance, and selfless service. Once we have developed these habits ourselves, we can help our children do the same.

If our children are merely going through the outward motions of membership in the Church, without actually developing their own private religious commitment, they will
be on thin ice when faced by temptations and peer pressures. They need constant spiritual nourishment from personal and family prayer; personal and family study of
the scriptures; family home evenings; attendance at church, seminary, and institute; and meaningful service in order to resist the tide of evil that is sweeping the earth.
False prophets will always try to broaden the gate. Although the verbal teachings of parents and leaders are helpful, even greater protection against evil will come to our
children from their own habits of worship and faithfulness.

Teaching From the Scriptures

One of the best ways to teach our children the spiritual truths of the gospel is to teach directly from the scriptures. There is a spiritual power in the scriptures that cannot
come to us through any other means. The scriptures are the voice of the Lord to our spirits; when we read them, we can testify that we have heard the Lord's voice and
know his words (see D&C 18:35-36). Pondering them brings the Spirit of the Lord into our livesand having the Spirit is the key to living a righteous life.

Teaching By Bearing Testimony

When our children love us and have a good relationship with us, they are more likely to identify with our values, try to emulate us, and want the same things we want.
Hearing the gospel from us is much more powerful than hearing it from other teachers or leaders. Certainly, we as parents have a responsibility to bear testimony often
to our children.

In the Lectures on Faith we learn:

We have now clearly set forth how it is, and how it was, that God became an object of faith for rational beings; and also, upon what foundation the testimony was
based which excited the inquiry and diligent search of the ancient saints to seek after and obtain a knowledge of the glory of God; and we have seen that it was human
testimony, and human testimony only, that excited this inquiry, in the first instance, in their minds. It was the credence they gave to the testimony of their fathers, this
testimony having aroused their minds to inquire after the knowledge of God; the inquiry frequently terminated, indeed always terminated when rightly pursued, in the
most glorious discoveries and eternal certainty. (Lectures on Faith 2:56.)

Our duty as parents is to incite this kind of inquiry in the minds of our children and to arouse their desires to search diligently after the knowledge of God. Our most
powerful tool in inspiring such a search is our own testimony.

"The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy" (Rev. 19:10). A testimony comes by the spirit of prophecy through the Holy Ghost and is the power that changes
hearts and converts people. For this reason, missionaries bear testimony often, and parents must also.

Father Lehi (c)
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things which he spake by the power of the Holy Ghost, which power he received by faith on the Son of God . . . I, Nephi, was desirous also that I might see, and hear,
and know of these things, by the power of the Holy Ghost" (1 Ne. 10:17).
"The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy" (Rev. 19:10). A testimony comes by the spirit of prophecy through the Holy Ghost and is the power that changes
hearts and converts people. For this reason, missionaries bear testimony often, and parents must also.

Father Lehi understood this principle. His son Nephi said that "having heard all the words of my father, concerning the things which he saw in a vision, and also the
things which he spake by the power of the Holy Ghost, which power he received by faith on the Son of God . . . I, Nephi, was desirous also that I might see, and hear,
and know of these things, by the power of the Holy Ghost" (1 Ne. 10:17).

When Enos went to hunt beasts in the forest, it was his father's testimony that led him to his life-changing experience: "The words which I had often heard my father
speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart. And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in
mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul." (Enos 1:3-4.)

When Alma was racked with "the pains of a damned soul" because of his past sins, the testimony of his father was the thing that saved him: "Behold, I remembered also
to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world" (Alma 36:16-17).

In each of these instances, we see the powerful influence of the teachings and testimonies of the fathers on their sons. In my own life, some of the most memorable
occasions I have had with my children are those sacred moments when I have calmly and reverently borne my testimony to them. Those moments and the feelings we
have felt are deeply etched into my memory.

Teaching With a Right Heart

The telestial world teaches us that it is acceptable to use force or various forms of psychological manipulation and coercion to motivate others to do what we want. It
teaches us to take offense and to give offenseand to strike back in retaliation when others provoke us or don't do what we want.

Such behavior is, of course, contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ. And it produces the opposite result from the desired one: rather than motivating others to change, it
provokes them and creates resistance. It justifies them in hardening their hearts against us and opposing us.

The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that our own hearts must be softened toward our children so that we have compassion for them. Then, when we try to teach or
influence them, they will sense our sincere respect for them and for their agency. If they can feel our love and respectrather than our anger, manipulation, or
coercionthey will more readily identify with our values and comply with our standards. When our relationship with our children, including our teaching and discipline, is
founded on sincere affection and respect, our children are more likely to internalize the moral structure that we are trying to give them.

I once counseled a couple who had been to a variety of parenting classes that focused on techniques for disciplining and controlling children. While there was nothing
inherently wrong with the techniques themselves, these parents were applying the techniques with accusing attitudes. As a result, the children only got worse and
became increasingly defiant.

However, as the parents humbled themselves and began to treat their children more compassionately, both the parents and the children had a change of heart. The
power struggles diminished, and they were able to establish a respectful give-and-take relationship in which both sides took responsibility for what was happening.

If the heart isn't right on both sides, efforts to influence each other will largely be unsuccessful or will work for only brief periods of time. Consequently, the key to
getting a different response is to give the other a different person to respond to. This comes about as our own hearts change, rather than as we try to change their hearts
or wait for them to change first.

Humility Key to a Right Heart

Pride is a constant, nagging threat to achieving harmony within ourselves and in our relationships with others. As we rely too much on our own power, wisdom, and
understanding, we are blinded to our nothingness and our lack of power compared with God (see Mosiah 4:11). When our hearts are filled with pride, the Lord cannot
lead us, because we are not reaching out to him.

In contrast, the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith, "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers" (D&C
112:10). I have learned that humilitythe teachable attitude demonstrated by the Savioris the key that unlocks the door to receiving the Spirit of the Lord and to having
loving relationships. I have also learned that prayer is the language of humility. Only the truly humble pray fervently, because they recognize how much they need the
Lord's Spirit to guide them. Ultimately it is the Spirit that softens and changes our hearts as we humble ourselves, acknowledge our dependence on the Lord, and ask
for his forgiveness and guidance.

By becoming his humble followers, we can properly teach our children to follow us as their parents and, in turn, to follow Christ. Our main goal should be to become
disciples of Christ in all of our contacts with our children. Becoming his disciples is the foundation of all parenting, and having right hearts is the essence of discipleship.
For this reason, the Lord taught that we must "become as a little child" in order to enter his kingdom (see 3 Ne. 11:37). He doesn't want us to be childish, but childlike.
It's the heart of a child he wants us to have, because "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh" (Matt. 12:34). A child's heart is "submissive, meek,
humble, patient, full of love" (Mosiah 3:19). A child's heart is compassionate; it can sympathize with others, sense their needs, and respond to them. With such a heart
or with such attitudes and characteristics, we "will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably" (Mosiah 4:13).

The Lord's Threefold Approach

In D&C 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord gives us the model for relating to, as well as for correcting or reproving, our children. In this gospel model we
learn about three important aspects of the approach we must take as parents: (1) low anxiety, (2) high power, and (3) high support.1

1. Low anxiety. In verses 41 and 42 the Lord lists qualities and attitudes that we must have in our hearts: persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love
unfeigned, kindness, and pure knowledge. To use persuasion is to reason, urge, induce, or plead movingly. Long-suffering means to take a calm, patient approach.
These qualities, the Lord tells us, must characterize our relationships with our children. They suggest that we should take a low-anxiety, calm approach to parenting.

High anxiety and impatience are among the most damaging characteristics we can have as parentsto make a crisis out of everything, to overreact, to make mountains
out of mole hills. We can learn not to overreact by concentrating on taking things calmly and seeking the guidance and help of the Spirit in taking a calmer view of life.

2. High power. The Lord gives us additional counsel on how to proceed when correction or discipline become necessary: "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when
moved upon by the Holy Ghost" (verse 43). Betimes, as used in Joseph Smith's day, is defined as "quickly or right away"not "occasionally," which is a more recent
usage of the word. And while sharpness indicates that a person moved upon by the Spirit might use bold language (see 2 Ne. 1:26), this does not give us license to be
vindictive,
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and consistentapproach.

3. High support. The Lord then adds that after reproving in the way he has set forth, we must["[show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast
2. High power. The Lord gives us additional counsel on how to proceed when correction or discipline become necessary: "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when
moved upon by the Holy Ghost" (verse 43). Betimes, as used in Joseph Smith's day, is defined as "quickly or right away"not "occasionally," which is a more recent
usage of the word. And while sharpness indicates that a person moved upon by the Spirit might use bold language (see 2 Ne. 1:26), this does not give us license to be
vindictive, cruel, or in any way unrighteous. This wording suggests that, in addition to our low-anxiety approach to parenting, we also take a high-poweror fair, firm,
and consistentapproach.

3. High support. The Lord then adds that after reproving in the way he has set forth, we must["[show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast
reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy" (verse 43). This wording suggests that we also incorporate a high-supportor warm, loving, and nurturingapproach.

Of the three dimensions listed above, the most important is the first: low anxiety. Our anxiety level dictates how we will use the other two dimensions of power and
support. We use our power more effectively, and we are able to give love and support more honestly, when we are calm, not when we are anxious and uptight. Of
course, even though low anxiety is the most important, without love nothing will work very well in the end.

When we are (1) calm, (2) fair, firm, and consistent, and (3) warm, loving, and nurturing, our children tend to be progressive, self-reliant, responsible, and confident.
We won't be threatened by our children's misbehavior. Instead, we will set high standards and compassionately help our children meet those standards. We will allow
our children to make mistakes; withdrawing our approval (not our love) when they misbehave will motivate them to change in order to regain our approval. And, of
course, we will be quick to forgive and to["[show] forth afterwards an increase of love."

Consequences of Not Following the Divine Model

The importance of this divine model for parent/child relationships becomes painfully obvious when we see what happens when parents don't follow it. When one or
more of the three dimensions (low anxiety, high power, and high support) is out of line, serious problems can emerge:

The indulgent parent. When parents combine a low-power approach (which means they lack firmness and are inconsistent) with high support and high anxiety, their
children are likely to be indulged or spoiled. The children quickly learn that the parents are anxious and permissive and that if they just nag long enough, the parents will
give in to get them off their backs. These parents have a basic fear of frustrating their children and are threatened by their children's misbehavior. As a result, they give
quick and intense responses to perceived threats, are warm and supportive, do not impose structured limits, remove obstacles of frustration for the children, and let the
children have their own way.

But, of course, the parents cannot tolerate the children's actions indefinitely, so they end up being inconsistent. In desperation, they will often shift from using low-power
assertion to irrational high-power assertionespecially more physical punishment. Such a pattern can lead children to have feelings of insecurity, aggression,
submissiveness, jealousy, and nervousness.

The overprotective parent. When parents combine a high-power approach (in a way that runs interference for the child and yet is irrational and dominating) with high
support and high anxiety, they are likely to be overprotective parents. These parents have a basic fear that the children's behavior will be inappropriate or embarrassing.
They encourage their children to stay close to Mother, giving them the constant message that they are not quite capable enough without parental supervision. The
parents have highly structured limits for the child's behavior; use lots of verbal explanations of right and wrong, good and bad; set high standards for the children's
performance; and remove obstacles (events or things) that might encourage misbehavior. These parents are warm and supportive of the children's actions, but they have
a quick and intense response to misbehavior because of their high anxiety level.

Overprotective parents tend to undermine self-confidence in children and create an immature emotional dependency. Being too controlling, too supportive, and too
anxious, the parents make it difficult for the children to face life on their own. While meeting their own neurotic need to be needed, these parents are ignoring their
children's need to learn to become self-confident and independent.

Rebellion and deviance. When parents are accusing, hostile, and rigid in their use of power and give low support (they do not notice or praise the children's good
behavior but focus on mistakes or weaknesses), it can lead to rebellion and deviance in children. These parents focus on problems; critical and negative the majority of
the time, they don't show much love or affection for their children. This kind of treatment, accompanied by either high or low anxiety, can sow the seeds for rebellion
and striking back in adolescencewhen the children are as big as their parents.

Discipline: Teaching Rather Than Punishing

When our hearts are right or compassionate and we are seeking the guidance and companionship of the Spirit, we are in the proper position to either teach or discipline
our children. The best discipline is preventative teaching, not reproof. By teaching our children properly, we become proactive or preventative in our approach. In this
way we are ahead of their behavior rather than behind it, as we are when we try to correct them after they have misbehaved.

Children often misbehave because they don't know any other way to act and because parents too often are inconsistent and retaliatory in their discipline. Children
sometimes think that the only way to achieve their goals is through power struggles and revenge. If we help our children learn good social and gospel behavior through
teaching and discipline, they will find that it helps them achieve their goals, and they will not have a need or desire for unsocial or worldly behavior.

Family Rules

One of the best ways to establish preventative teaching as the main form of discipline is to have and use consistently a clear set of family rules. Anything desired of a
child becomes a rule. Rules exist to guide our children's behavior and to make the world more predictable, safe, and comfortable for all of us. Children need rules, even
though enforcing them can be unpleasant for the parents and children at times.

Since all of us bring different ideas and backgrounds to marriage, we need to follow certain principles when making rules for governing our families:

1. As parents, discuss and agree upon rules. In order to avoid confusing the children, husbands and wives must discuss potential family rules and agree on them. If we
disagree on the rules, our children will find it difficult to develop a sense of right and wrong, and they will learn early to play one parent against the other.

The Lord has commanded husbands and wives to "be one" (D&C 49:16), which requires us to cooperate with each other and to put our relationship and the welfare of
the family ahead of self-interest. We must have right hearts and be self-forgetful in order to be able to establish mutually satisfying rules.

2. Where possible, give the children a say. As much as possible, children should be included in the rule making, because it helps them feel responsibility for the rules
and helps them be far more likely to keep them. Hold family councils periodically to discuss family rules, projects, and outings. Teach the children to respect rules and
laws and help them understand the need to follow rules for the good of all. Children learn to develop the internal control of self-discipline as they learn to follow the
external control
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3. Determine desired behavior. Family rules are designed to help channel the behavior of our children. Decide what behavior is acceptable before the behavior occurs,
so that the children know how they are expected to act. As the children become older, they should be given more freedom in determining for themselves how to act in
2. Where possible, give the children a say. As much as possible, children should be included in the rule making, because it helps them feel responsibility for the rules
and helps them be far more likely to keep them. Hold family councils periodically to discuss family rules, projects, and outings. Teach the children to respect rules and
laws and help them understand the need to follow rules for the good of all. Children learn to develop the internal control of self-discipline as they learn to follow the
external control of rules at home, school, church, and in the community.

3. Determine desired behavior. Family rules are designed to help channel the behavior of our children. Decide what behavior is acceptable before the behavior occurs,
so that the children know how they are expected to act. As the children become older, they should be given more freedom in determining for themselves how to act in
given situations.

4. Establish consequences. We don't let children play in the street because of the consequences of playing in the street. Children need to learn that when they choose to
act, they are choosing a consequence. In order to learn to be responsible, children need to be taught to understand the consequences of their behavior. Sometimes the
consequence of a child's actions may simply be a discussion with a parent.

5. Enforce rules. Ensure that the children follow the rules. Pay attention to and praise desirable behavior. Ignore irrelevant behavior. Avoid arguing by maintaining a
matter-of-fact attitude, simply insisting that the rule be followed or the task be completed without blaming or indulging. Neither the blaming attitude"If I don't make you
do it, it won't get done"nor an indulgent attitude"I hate to ask anything of you, knowing how busy you are"shows that you expect performance or have respect for the
child. But calmly and matter-of-factly expecting the child to perform communicates respect and enthrones the child's conscience. We all like to be treated as though we
are responsible and capable; we resent being manipulated or forced.

6. Adjust rules. As the children grow and become more mature, some rules will need to be adjusted, added to, or changed. One of the greatest problems parents have
with adolescents is that the parents remain inflexible and want all of the control. They attempt to enforce rules that were established in the child's younger years, without
understanding the need for increased flexibility as the child grows older. When a new rule is added or an existing one is modified, the parents should invite the child to
discuss the changes with them. Allowing the child to suggest needed changes is also important. By so doing, the child will see the parents as consistent but willing to
change. The child will also grow to be more responsible and self-respecting.

7. Develop responsibility. Children develop responsibility as they find success in accomplishment. Giving them tasks for which they are responsible gives them a
meaningful part in the family organization. Decision making is also an important part of helping a child assume responsibility. Whenever possible, let the child identify his
own tasks and fulfill them.

Children who have learned to follow family rules are likely to transfer those habits of responsibility to other social situations, such as honoring and obeying laws in
society. Inconsistent parents may encourage their children to be disrespectful of the law. If parents are able to establish, enforce, and adjust rules with their children,
those children will most likely develop positive attitudes toward people, responsibility, and honesty.

Discipline and Teaching Must be Directed By the Spirit

Any attempts at discipline should be directed by the Spirit of the Lord, rather than by the heat of the moment or by man-made techniques that simply manipulate
behavior. Our hearts and motives must be pure so that we can discern and appropriately apply the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.

One of the most profound insights I have gained during my lifetime has been that I must be directed by the Lord's Spirit in all I say and do. When I am enjoying the
companionship of the Spirit, I feel calm and peaceful. And I am motivated to try to do everything in my power to avoid offending that Spirit, because I don't want it to
withdraw from me. I have learned that when the Spirit withdraws, I am left to myself. The results are always disharmony, bad feelings, and pain.

The focus in our relationships with others should not be on how to treat themhow to manipulate and control their behaviorin order to get them to do what we want.
Instead, the focus should be on how to treat them in order to keep the Lord's Spirit with us. Having the Spirit is the whole issue. Our central desire should be to avoid
doing anything that would lead to a withdrawal of the Spirit of the Lord through any form of unrighteous dominion on our part.

When our focus is on keeping our hearts right and heeding the impressions of the Spirit, our behavior will be spontaneously right. But if our hearts are not right because
of our own hypocrisy, pride, self-pity, or eagerness to take offense, then we will see others accusingly, and we will overreact or resort to coercion and force.

I have come to hunger for, live for, and appreciate the warm glow of the Spirit in my life more than any other thing. It is the essence of the happy life. And the Lord has
made it abundantly clear that although I may be ordained to the priesthood, I will lose the power of the priesthood, and the companionship of the Spirit, if I try to have
influence in any degree of unrighteousness: "Behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the
priesthood or the authority of that man" (D&C 121:37). The despair that comes from the loss of the Spirit is much more excruciating than physical pain could be.

I remember an occasion when I overreacted to one of my children. My heart was not right as I reproved him for his misbehavior. Then, instead of taking him with me,
which I had promised to do, I left him home alone to punish him for his wrongdoing. The Spirit told me not to leave without reassuring him of my love. But to my
shame, I resisted the prompting and left without saying anything to him.

When I returned late that night after a miserable time without himand with a guilty conscienceI went to see if he had gone to bed. I found him crying himself to sleep
over the incident. He apparently had been weeping ever since I had left. I felt mortified that I hadn't followed the clear prompting I had received to reassure him of my
love. Taking him in my arms, I apologized, telling him I had overreacted and that what I had done was uncalled for. He was quick to forgive as children are, but it took
some sincere repentance on my part to get the Spirit back. The Lord always forgives, but he has his own timetable. He knows best what we need to be healed.

As President Boyd K. Packer has said, "This voice of the Spirit speaks gently, prompting you what to do or what to say, or it may caution or warn you. Ignore or
disobey these promptings, and the Spirit will leave you. It is your choiceyour agency." (In Conference Report, October 1994, p. 77.)

"Ye May Know the Truth of All Things"

When the Savior visited and ministered unto the Nephites, the blessing they prayed for and desired more than any other was the gift of the Holy Ghost (see 3 Ne.
19:9). Similarly, we must pray for and desire the same gift more than any other thing. And we must teach our children to do likewise. As we look unto the Lord "in
every thought" (D&C 6:36), the Spirit of the Lord can give us guidance and can for-tify us against evil and sin. The Spirit can help us keep our behavior in check and
motivate us to repent when we do wrong.

President Boyd K. Packer has explained: "Following baptism, in the ordinance of confirmation, you received the gift of the Holy Ghost. While the Holy Ghost may
inspire all mankind, the gift carries the right to have it as a ï¿½constant companion.' It is ï¿½by the power of the Holy Ghost [that you] may know the truth of all things.'
" (In Conference Report, October 1994, p. 76; emphasis in original.)
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I interpret this to mean that we can know what to do in all crucial situations if we are striving to live by and listen to the Spirit. In the words of Arthur Henry King, "The
principles of the gospel are twisted if they are applied in precisely the same way each time. But they remain true to themselves if they are applied in the way that is
appropriate to the circumstances. And the way that is appropriate to the circumstances comes from following the impulses of the Holy Ghost; and the impulses of the
President Boyd K. Packer has explained: "Following baptism, in the ordinance of confirmation, you received the gift of the Holy Ghost. While the Holy Ghost may
inspire all mankind, the gift carries the right to have it as a ï¿½constant companion.' It is ï¿½by the power of the Holy Ghost [that you] may know the truth of all things.'
" (In Conference Report, October 1994, p. 76; emphasis in original.)

I interpret this to mean that we can know what to do in all crucial situations if we are striving to live by and listen to the Spirit. In the words of Arthur Henry King, "The
principles of the gospel are twisted if they are applied in precisely the same way each time. But they remain true to themselves if they are applied in the way that is
appropriate to the circumstances. And the way that is appropriate to the circumstances comes from following the impulses of the Holy Ghost; and the impulses of the
Holy Ghost and the deepest workings of our mind are not things we can reduce to reason and clearly understand." (The Abundance of the Heart [Salt Lake City:
Bookcraft, 1986], p. 122.)

Brigham Young said: "In all your business transactions, words, and communications, if you commit [a wrong] act, repent of that immediately, and call upon God to
deliver you from evil and give you the light of His spirit. Never do a thing that your conscience, and the light within you, tell you is wrong. Never do a wrong, but do all
the good you possibly can. Never do a thing to mar the peaceable influence of the Holy Spirit in you." (In Journal of Discourses 12:103.)

The Power of Love

Affection, warmth, love, and high support motivate children to want to identify with their parents and with their parents' values and wishes. Both Paul and Mormon tell
us that without charity, we are nothing (see 1 Cor. 13:2; Moro. 7:44). Parents who lack love raise children who tend to be undisciplined, destructive, and disorganized.
Children are the products of those who loved them or refused to love them.

When we love something we make it a priority, enjoy it, spend time with it, and enjoy taking care of it. With our children, we extend our- selves to them in order to
nurture their physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. Loving them is by far our most powerful way of influencing them and encouraging their cooperation.

Joseph Smith said: "Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness. When persons
manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress
the human mind." (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1976], p. 240.)

President Joseph F. Smith said:

Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and
united with you, love them! and prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you
and your [children]however wayward they might be . . . , when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them
kindly; get them down and weep with them if necessary. . . . Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence. . . . Approach them
with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned. With these means, if you cannot gain your boys and your girls . . . there will be no means left in the world by which
you can win them. (Gospel Doctrine [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 1939], p. 316.)

Children Are to Honor Their Parents

If the most important responsibility of parents is to teach their children, the most important responsibility of children is to honor their parents (see Ex. 20:12). To honor
means to respect, cherish, reverence, and obey. It includes so much more in terms of attitudes and behavior than simply obeying. The Lord commanded his children to
honor their parents as he wants us to honor him. If parents teach with right hearts, and children honor their teachings with right hearts, we have the perfect combination
for bringing salvation to everyone. This is the Lord's plan for our spiritual and temporal survival.

In every dispensation, the Lord has warned that if parents do not teach and children do not honor, they will be overcome by the world and become scattered, lost, or
taken captive by the world. As we look at the history of Israel, that is the very thing that happened over and over again. Israel was repeatedly scattered, lost, and taken
captive because of disobedience as they assimilated into the world rather than standing as a peculiar people and a light to the world.

A Zion Family

In describing a temple to the Saints in Joseph Smith's day, the Lord also described what kind of homes he would have us build: "Organize yourselves; prepare every
needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of
God" (D&C 88:119). If our homes are dedicated to these same objectives, we will be "organized" according to "every needful thing" and will be following the celestial
order found in the temple.

This should be our objective: to raise a Zion family, shunning the temptations and vain glory of the world found in money, station, position, appearance, prestige, and
pride, and seeking for lasting happiness and eternal glory, which are found only in righteousness.

Many people expect me to have obedient, well-adjusted children because of my education as a marriage and family counselor and my academic training in raising
children. As helpful and enjoyable as my secular training was, especially in learning to understand and diagnose dysfunctional behavior, I have not found necessary
much of what I learned in terms of techniques for controlling children.

Instead, I have reduced my approach to mainly two things: I teach them the gospel through the scriptures, and I try to show my love for them often. I love getting up in
the mornings and hugging them, playing with them, and telling them how great I think they are and that I love them. I may do it teasingly or playfully or seriouslythis is the
fun part of raising children. By teaching the gospel to them and loving them, my wife and I get the furthest in gaining their cooperation and supportmore than we would
by trusting in and relying on the control techniques of the arm of flesh.

Even though my children have their weaknesses, mainly because of me, they are close to their parents and are trying to be good. We really can't ask for more. We owe
everything that is good in our lives to the Lord for giving us the greatest marriage and family manual in the worldthe scriptures. And I remind our children often that even
though they may have weaknesses that are inherent or that they have picked up from imperfect parents and from a fallen world, if their hope is in Christ and not in
themselves or in us as parents, weaknesses can be eliminated someday through their faith and hope in Christ.

What comfort it gives me as a parent to know that my children can overcome any adverse influence I may have been to them if they will "come unto Christ, and be
perfected in him, . . . then is his grace sufficient . . . , that by his grace [they] may be perfect in Christ" (Moro. 10:32).

_____

C. Richard Chidester
 Copyright            teachesInfobase
            (c) 2005-2009,    at the institute
                                        MediaofCorp.
                                                religion at the University of Utah and is also a practicing marriage and family therapist. He received hisPage
                                                                                                                                                          B.A. degree
                                                                                                                                                                18 / from
                                                                                                                                                                      85
the University of Utah; his M.A. degree in guidance and counseling and his Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy from Brigham Young University. He lives in Bountiful,
Utah, and is married to Kathryn Midgley. They are the parents of eight children.
perfected in him, . . . then is his grace sufficient . . . , that by his grace [they] may be perfect in Christ" (Moro. 10:32).

_____

C. Richard Chidester teaches at the institute of religion at the University of Utah and is also a practicing marriage and family therapist. He received his B.A. degree from
the University of Utah; his M.A. degree in guidance and counseling and his Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy from Brigham Young University. He lives in Bountiful,
Utah, and is married to Kathryn Midgley. They are the parents of eight children.

4 One By One

Scott and Angelle Anderson

When our family first moved to a farm, we were determined to learn as much as we could about farm life, including raising a variety of animals. One day in early spring
we had a neighbor's ram grazing in our field. From Scott's journal:

Unaware of any potential danger, I took my young son into the field to help me fill the watering trough. While I was drawing water, I was pointing out to him some of
the beauties of spring, when a shrill scream from my priceless little partner set off my adrenaline alarm. Quickly spinning around, I saw the large curly-horned ram with
its head down charging full bore toward my son. I was two steps away from him, but the ram was only one step away. I lunged to intervene, but it was too late. In an
instant the ram pinned him to the water tank, cracking two of his ribs.

Perhaps as parents you have experienced a time when you were a step away and could not prevent a physical mishap from occurring the first bicycle crash or the first
fall from a tree limb. We handle these incidents as a matter of course and they are soon forgotten. However, this feeling of helplessness has a spiritual parallel. And in
truth, it is the spiritual mishaps that we should fear most and be most anxious to avoid, for these can have a lasting effect on our children that is not easily repaired with
stitches or splints.

The scriptures and living prophets give us the prescription for drawing closer to our children and helping them avoid any serious, long-term spiritual injuries.

Do you recall the story of the little boy who ran to his father and asked if he would play, just as the dad returned from an exhausting day at work? Feeling the need to
relax after a hectic schedule, the father said to his son, "Okay, in a few minutes." Two minutes later, when the boy returned to take his dad up on his word, he found his
father engrossed in the newspaper. Disappointed, he requested again that his dad play with him. Not wanting to be disturbed just yet, the father came up with a
delaying tactic. He tore out a picture of the world from his newspaper and shredded it into smaller pieces. Then he told his son that as soon as the boy put the picture
together, he would play with him. Surprisingly enough, the little boy returned in a few minutes with the picture of the world all taped together. The amazed father
queried, "How did you do that so fast?" "It was easy, Dad," came his son's reply, "I just taped up the picture of the home on the other side, and the world took care of
itself!"

A Lesson From the Book of Mormon

There is an account in the Book of Mormon that outlines the prophet Alma's interviews with his three sons. From this record we observe an important way that we can
be one step closer to our children and thus strengthen our homes through a stronger parent-child relationship.

As Alma is recounting his missionary labors, there is a critical point when the ongoing flow of the storyline is altered substantially for more than seven chapters. It is one
of those moments when we are allowed to look in on a problem and watch a prophet solve it with the Lord's help. Alma was not only a prophet but a father of three
sons. He labored all his life to help the Nephites avoid destruction at the hands of their enemies and also labored to preach the gospel of repentance to them. He
ministered to his people, yet suffered at their hands as he was jailed, spat upon, and severely persecuted.

After years of personal service and sacrifice for his people, Mormon wrote of him and his feelings for his people: "Now Alma, being grieved for the iniquity of his
people, yea for the wars, and the bloodsheds, and the contentions which were among them; and having been . . . sent to declare the word, among all the people in
every city; and seeing that the hearts of the people began to wax hard, and that they began to be offended because of the strictness of the word, his heart was
exceedingly sorrowful" (Alma 35:15).

Not only were things going badly with his people, but one of his own sons had been immoral as a missionary. No doubt Alma was weighed down in his heart and soul
for his people and his own son. Where does a prophet begin to change things? What could he do to turn things around in the land? Notice that he did not begin with a
general conference, though he was the prophet, nor did he call a press conference to gather public support. He chose instead to start at home. In fact, perhaps
Mormon, in making his abridgment, felt this point was so critical for us as a latter-day people to understand that he put aside his account of wars and difficulties that
Alma faced in governing his people and instead detailed in his transcript how a prophet may have helped change the entire social order. He began at home! For the next
seven chaptersalmost seventeen pages' worthwhat he did was so critical that we have the privilege to observe the key to how we too can change our environment. We
can sit by the prophet's side and listen to his every word as he solved his problems by interviewing his three sons. Let us explain.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush understood the problem when she said on one occasion, "Whatever the era, whatever the times, one thing will never change: Fathers
and mothers, if you have children, they must come first. . . . Your success as a family, our success as a society, depends not on what happens in the White House but
on what happens inside your house." (In Conference Report, October 1990, p. 40.) That is where Alma began and where all of us should begin as well.

What happened inside Alma's home becomes an impressive pattern for all parents to follow. We are indebted to Alma for keeping a journal of these things so that we
can learn how to deal with our childrenespecially those who have made mistakes in their young lives. We strengthen relationships with our children and thus increase our
influence in their lives.

Parent-Child Interviews

In Alma 35:16 we read these words: "Therefore, [Alma] caused that his sons should be gathered together, that he might give unto them every one his charge,
separately, concerning the things pertaining unto righteousness." From our experience as parents it is our feeling that parent-child interviews should be conducted
separately with each child, one on one and one by one, even as Alma did. The Savior set the pattern for this idea as recorded in 3 Nephi, when Jesus "took their little
children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them" (3 Ne. 17:21; emphasis added). The principle of individual attention and concern is an
important guideline for all parents. Having interviews with our children is one of the best ways to apply this principle in order to reap its rewards.

For the dedication page of the book Cheaper by the Dozen, the authors, Frank B. Gilbreth Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey, wrote simply, "To Dad, who only reared
twelve children, and to Mother, who reared twelve only children" (New York: Harper and Row, 1949). Whether families are large or small and children are young or
old, the relationship of parent and child is a matter of such significance that it has eternal consequences.
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With the fast pace and demands of tending, teaching, transporting, and training children in this modern era, one-on-one time may be hard to come by. However,
scheduling a parent-child interview on a regular basis with each parent is an excellent way to ensure that individual time and attention is given to each child.
For the dedication page of the book Cheaper by the Dozen, the authors, Frank B. Gilbreth Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey, wrote simply, "To Dad, who only reared
twelve children, and to Mother, who reared twelve only children" (New York: Harper and Row, 1949). Whether families are large or small and children are young or
old, the relationship of parent and child is a matter of such significance that it has eternal consequences.

With the fast pace and demands of tending, teaching, transporting, and training children in this modern era, one-on-one time may be hard to come by. However,
scheduling a parent-child interview on a regular basis with each parent is an excellent way to ensure that individual time and attention is given to each child.

Elder Carlos E. Asay discussed parent-child interviews in a conference talk when he said:

Several years ago, I approached one of my daughters and said, "My dear, it's time for an interview." Her response was less than enthusiastic, and I determined within
my own mind that I was boring her terribly. So instead of subjecting her to a formal conversation, I invited her into the car and drove to the Dairy Queen where we
both enjoyed a root beer float. All the way to and from the store, I asked questions, and she freely responded. She didn't even realize that she was being interviewedor
at least that is what I thought. A few weeks later, I announced once again that I wanted to interview her. This time she promptly asked, "Wet or dry?" (In Conference
Report, October 1983, pp. 16-17.)

If parent-child interviews are a new idea for you and you think your children would run for cover at the mention of this activity, then perhaps a spoonful of sugar will
help the medicine go down, so to speak. For a while in our home as we were instigating interviews we entitled them "ice-cream interviews," and, following Elder Asay's
example, we served an ample dish of this favorite treat as we met with each child. The result of these "wet" interviews was an increase in our children's enthusiasm to
meet with us. Our interviews were scheduled weekly, usually on Sundays, and in addition to the ice cream the children discovered that having one or both parents all to
themselves was not all that bad either. In fact, when all of our seven children were at home and the interviews were getting longer and longer, we found Sundays were
too short to fit them all in. As a result, we initiated the "ten-minute interview" as a general rule and then scheduled a time during the week to have additional individual
time with each child. We think that it was one of the most important things we have done as parents. President Ezra Taft Benson suggested years ago to fathers: "Have
regular one-on-one visits with your children. Let them talk about what they would like to. Teach them gospel principles. Teach them true values. Tell them you love
them. Personal time with your children tells them where Dad [or Mom] puts his [or her] priorities." (Come, Listen to a Prophet's Voice [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book
Co., 1990], p. 46.)

Interview Format

The format that works best for a scheduled parent-child interview will depend on the child, the parents, and the situation. One idea is to have each child meet separately
with each parent so that the parents both have a chance to express their love and give counsel. Both parents have a right to inspiration as the mother and father.

It seems to work best to open with prayer and invite the Spirit of the Lord to be there with the two of you. An informal overview of the child's concerns and needs is an
appropriate beginning, which allows the parent to give some direction to the discussion. Some parents find that making an interview form for each child is helpful.
Writing down a list of areas of importanceconcerns, goals, feelings, suggestions to improve both self and familyhas many benefits. This list can help parents remember
what topics to cover, smooth the flow of conversation, note needed follow-up, and establish a written record to avoid memory gaps. As these interview forms are filled
out, they also become a history for that child.

The Parent's Role

Establishing an atmosphere of mutual love and respect opens the door for counsel and advice in these interviews. It must have been a great joy for Alma to interview his
righteous, obedient sons Helaman and Shiblon. We might compare these interviews to going to a "back to school night" for a straight-A student.

Alma began his interview with Helaman by reminding him how important it is to keep the commandments and trust in God. Then he shared his own story of gaining
faith. For the first time in the Book of Mormon account, Alma describes in his own words his conversionand in some detail. He is very open with his son and willingly
admits that he struggled himself at times in his youth and that he needed to rely totally on the Lord and his mercy to survive spiritually. This direct, open, and frank
conversation is an example to parents of an important key in interviewing their children. It is often hard for children to think that their parents may have once struggled
with the same things that they do.

I (Scott) remember one occasion when I was following Alma's example and having an interview with my young son. I told him how thrilled I was that he was my boy
and thanked him for his good example. I mentioned to him that he was a better boy than I had been at times growing up, and that I felt he was probably my big brother
in heaven. He paused and then, with his six-year-old wisdom, said, "You know, Dad, I have been thinking the same thing!"

Alma finished a wonderful interview with Helaman by counseling him about keeping the records, warning him about challenges he would face, and giving the following
advice: "O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God" (Alma 37:35).

Shiblon was also a faithful sonsteady and committed to righteousness. Many of the same messages shared with Helaman were recorded in a shorter form in this
interview. Alma included this wisdom: "Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love" (Alma 38:12).

An atmosphere of mutual love and respect opens the door for a parent to reprimand or chasten when needed. We learned this effective principle together when we
called in our firstborn daughter for her interview. She had been somewhat upset about how we had handled a problem involving sibling rivalry. We talked with her
about her behavior and tried to explain why we had reacted the way we didacting in haste to remedy a situation without hearing her side of the issue. When we listened
to her feelings and discovered that we had been wrong to act as we did, we apologized. I (Angelle) told her, "Jana, Dad and I are sorry that we didn't listen to you. We
made a mistake. We've never been parents of an eight-year-old before!" She answered, "Well, I've never been an eight-year-old before!" After that we felt we were
on equal ground in our interviews, and, as the beginners that we were, we could discuss important issues more openly together.

Alma exemplified how to maintain an atmosphere of mutual love and respect while at the same time chastening a child as he counseled his son Corianton. Beginning in
chapter 39, this counsel has several elements that are different from his words addressed to Shiblon and Helaman. Suddenly Alma wasn't speaking to a faithful son but
was dealing with a struggling young man who had been a major disappointment as a missionary.

An incident that happened in a neighboring stake gives some insight into how Alma must have felt as he began to speak with his wayward son. A mother did all she
could to prepare her son for his mission. He struggled to get himself ready to submit his papers. He went first to his nonmember father and asked him to support him
financi-ally on his mission, but the father refused. So this mother found a part-time job cleaning a bank, scrubbing floors and walls so that she could send a check to her
missionary son.

Nearly every fast Sunday she would come to the pulpit and share a moment from her son's missionary experiences. Then, after a year, he was sent home for immoral
conduct while serving his mission. The missionary called his stake president and asked him not to call his mother because he just couldn't face her. The president, of
course, had (c)
 Copyright  to notify her, and
                2005-2009,     passed on
                             Infobase    the request
                                       Media  Corp. that she not come to the airport. The mother, however, felt that if her son ever needed her, he needed
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The stake president and the mother waited patiently as the plane unloaded. The terminal was the kind where moving stairs were placed next to the plane to allow
passengers to exit. Everyone deplaned, including the flight attendants, and yet the missionary was not to be found. The stake president went to telephone the mission
missionary son.

Nearly every fast Sunday she would come to the pulpit and share a moment from her son's missionary experiences. Then, after a year, he was sent home for immoral
conduct while serving his mission. The missionary called his stake president and asked him not to call his mother because he just couldn't face her. The president, of
course, had to notify her, and passed on the request that she not come to the airport. The mother, however, felt that if her son ever needed her, he needed her now.

The stake president and the mother waited patiently as the plane unloaded. The terminal was the kind where moving stairs were placed next to the plane to allow
passengers to exit. Everyone deplaned, including the flight attendants, and yet the missionary was not to be found. The stake president went to telephone the mission
president to see if the missionary had missed the plane. As the mother stood watching alone at the window, her son slowly appeared with the weight of the world on his
shoulders. He stepped from the darkened interior of the plane into the light. The only person visible to him in the window of the terminal was his mother. This six-foot-
three-inch boy covered his eyes in shame and missed the first step, tumbling down the stairs. The mother pushed her way past the airline agent and rushed to her son.
When the stake president returned he found her kneeling with her son, hugging him and weeping, repeating over and over, "I love you, son! I love you, son!" How
many of these emotions and feelings were in Alma's heart as his son approached for his interview?

Alma had been far off the path himself as a young man, so he knew well what it would take to repent. In his earlier days he had been racked "with inexpressible
horror" (Alma 36:14), so much so that he wished that he could become extinct, that he might not ever experience the pain of standing in the presence of God. With
these memories still alive in his soul, Alma's third interview began. We learn a great deal from this humble prophet on how to be calm, supportive, loving, and
reasonable even in the midst of having a broken heart.

Alma's first comment is insightful. He told Corianton he had more to say to him than he did to his brothers. Recall that it was the Savior who said, as he sat with
publicans and sinners, that the sick need ministering more than do the healthy (see Matt. 9:12). This boy needed the attention of a loving father who understood his
feelings.

Notice the direct and to-the-point beginning of this interview. Alma said, in effect, "This is exactly what you did wrong: you boasted in your own strength, you went to
an inappropriate place, you associated with someone who had terribly bad standards, and sinful actions followed." Alma pulled no punches in saying that repenting of
this sin would be very difficult.

Notice that this boy had been with his father for only a brief time and yet Alma had outlined specifically not just the objectionable behavior but steps leading to his great
sin. He also taught Corianton the seriousness of this spiritual crime (see Alma 39:5).

The principles thatAlma used are mirrored in D&C 121. We can focus even more forcefully on the powerful message of this well-known scripture by inserting the word
parenthood in the place of priesthood. Because family is the most important priesthood assignment of all, it is an appropriate insert: "No power or influence can or
ought to be maintained by virtue of parenthood (verse 41). This is not to say that the power of parenting can't be used, for it is often used, but focusing on parenthood
power does not lead to happy children over time. If we want to influence our children positively in the long run, we are to use persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness,
meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, and pure knowledge.

It is not unusual, as children mature, for the influence of parents to diminish while at the same time the influence of peers increases. The important thing we can do as
parents to minimize this loss of our influence is to maintain good relationships with our children. The relationship then becomes the binding tie that allows parental
influence to be maintained.

When correction of a child's actions is needed, the Lord teaches us to reprove "betimes with sharpness" (verse 43). Betimes means immediately or soon after the
infraction. Elder Gordon B. Hinckley stated, "Of course, there is need for discipline with families. But discipline with severity, discipline with cruelty, inevitably leads not
to correction, but rather to resentment and bitterness. It cures nothing and only aggravates the problem. It is self-defeating." (" ï¿½Behold Your Little Ones,' " Ensign,
November 1978, p. 19.) Elder James E. Faust said, "In my experience, the Holy Ghost moves to reprove with sharpness only very rarely. Any reproving should be
done gently in an effort to convince the one being reproved that it is done in his own interest." ("These I Will Make My Leaders," Ensign, November 1980, p. 35.)

An interesting scripture that discusses the sharpness of the word of God is found in Heb. 4:12: "For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-
edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of the soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." This
scripture helps us see that when God's word is "quick and powerful and sharp," it comes to the point of being so specific that it even discerns the thoughts and intents of
the heart. Alma didn't generalize his counsel by calling Corianton a "bad kid"; rather, he exemplified the ability of an inspired parent when he spoke the word of God to
his son, even to the point of specifically discerning the thoughts and intents of Corianton's heart.

It is interesting how many times Alma used the phrase "I perceive" with Corianton. He specifically discussed several points of doctrine with his son, and the specific
points discussed seem to be the very "thoughts and intents of the heart" that may have led Corianton to justify his inappropriate behavior. Alma exemplified being
"moved upon by the Holy Ghost" in his reproving, and, as Elder Faust counseled us, he reproved "gently in an effort to convince the one being reproved that it [was]
done in his own interest."

Alma specifically listed Corianton's inappropriate behaviors (Alma 39:2-4), even called them "an abomination" (verse 5), and went on to explain their great severity
(verses 5-6). He then immediately stated, "I would not dwell upon your crimes, to harrow up your soul, if it were not for your good" (verse 7). This shows the focus of
Alma on the welfare of his son. He was obviously not just an angry father venting his frustrations on his boy. He truly did["[show] forth afterwards an increase of love
toward him whom [he had] reproved, lest he esteem [Alma] to be his enemy" (D&C 121:43).

We turn again to the lengthy doctrinal discussion Alma had with his son. Alma certainly had the desire to change the attitude and behavior of Corianton. In Mosiah 26
the record mentions behaviors that the unbelievers at that time, undoubtedly including Alma, would not do (see verse 4). The repeated phrase is "would not"they "would
not" do this, and they "would not" do that. Often when we desire to change the actions of someone, we work directly on their behavior. This account, however,
prefaces the "would nots" with "could not understand" (verse 3), and before that, "did not believe" (verse 2; see also verse 3). If placed in a chart, it might look like this:

Belief

Understanding

Behavior

The wording is that these people did not believe, so they could not understand some basic gospel teachings; therefore they would not do what was right. The real
pattern of change seems to be that if we change our beliefs, we will come to a different understanding and thus a different conclusion. Then appropriate behavior will
follow, and for the right reasons. Elder Boyd K. Packer said it this way: "Our behavior is not totally controlled by natural impulses. Behavior begins with belief as well.
Beliefs are born of philosophies, of doctrines. Doctrines can be spiritual or secular, wholesome or destructive, true or false. . . . True doctrine, understood, changes
attitudes
 Copyright and(c)behavior." (In Conference
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                                Infobase Media     October 1986, pp. 19, 20.) Changing beliefs to correspond with true principles brings about a more permanent
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in the lives of all of us.

After reproving with sharpness and showing forth an increase of love, Alma did not go over his son's weaknesses or emphasize again and again what he had done to
The wording is that these people did not believe, so they could not understand some basic gospel teachings; therefore they would not do what was right. The real
pattern of change seems to be that if we change our beliefs, we will come to a different understanding and thus a different conclusion. Then appropriate behavior will
follow, and for the right reasons. Elder Boyd K. Packer said it this way: "Our behavior is not totally controlled by natural impulses. Behavior begins with belief as well.
Beliefs are born of philosophies, of doctrines. Doctrines can be spiritual or secular, wholesome or destructive, true or false. . . . True doctrine, understood, changes
attitudes and behavior." (In Conference Report, October 1986, pp. 19, 20.) Changing beliefs to correspond with true principles brings about a more permanent change
in the lives of all of us.

After reproving with sharpness and showing forth an increase of love, Alma did not go over his son's weaknesses or emphasize again and again what he had done to
offend. From chapters 39 through 42, this inspired father made the loving effort to change the beliefs of his wayward son. He taught his son of Christ's atonement and
resurrection, and reminded him that in the long run we will be restored to what we really aregood for good, evil for evil. He taught his son to repent. He instructed him
that mercy is for the penitent. Throughout the entire interview there was a constant loving focus on Corianton and his needs and questions. His father was sensitive to
spiritual promptings, perceived the needs of his son, and, through inspiration, gave answers that were doctrinal and yet filled with love and mercy.

We believe this to be one of the finest examples in all scripture of the love of a father for his son. Alma reproved with sharpness when moved upon by the Holy Ghost,
showed forth an increase of love, helped Corianton center his beliefs on true principles (thereby focusing on the root of his sinful actions), and was led by the Spirit
throughout the father-son visit. All of these actions are keys to effective parenting.

Note some of the results of this father's interview. Tucked in the ongoing story of the Nephite wars we find a reference to the change that Corianton made in his
personal life. Peace was in the land again and the people prospered "because of their heed and diligence which they gave unto the word of God, which was declared
unto them by Helaman, and Shiblon, and Corianton, and Ammon and his brethren" (Alma 49:30). Notice who was back on his mission again. Hurrah! Through a
parent-child interview, Alma brought about a transformation in the life of his beloved son, and this united family of missionaries and Nephite ministers made an
incredible difference in the society in which they lived. It was as if they first "taped together" the home and then the world began to take care of itself.

As parents we are thankful for this account of a wise father who worked with his son through an interview process until his son caught the vision and desired his own
success. This process has been a blessing in our lives. Our sincere desires were rewarded by our daughter's remarks in the interview we gave her on the eve of her
marriage. With feelings of hope, we asked her to tell us how she felt about us as parents and how she felt about leaving our home. She replied, "Well, we've had our
challenges, but I have always known that you loved me and that you loved the Lord and his gospel." We are convinced that parent-child interviews over the years gave
Jana this sure knowledge of the intent of our hearts and a measure of our love for her. From the time of her interview when she was eight years old to the time of her
marriage, these one-on-one sessions opened the door for us to teach, train, and bear our testimonies to her of the gospel and the goodness of God.

In his April 1987 general conference address, Elder James E. Faust quoted from the White House Report on the Family:

For most . . . life is not a matter of legislative battles, judicial decrees and executive decisions. It is a fabric of helping hands and good neighbors; bedtime stories and
shared prayers; loving-packed lunchboxes and household budget balancing; tears wiped away and a precious heritage passed along; it is hard work and a little put
away for the future. In a healthy society, heroes are the men, women, [and] children who hold the world together one home at a time; the parents and grandparents
who forgo pleasures, delay purchases, foreclose options, and commit most of their lives to the noblest undertaking of citizenship; raising children who, resting on the
shoulders of the previous generation, will see farther than we and reach higher." (The White House Report on the Family, November 1986, pp. 8-9; as quoted in
Conference Report, April 1987, p. 103.)

Elder Faust then discussed the need that all parents have to teach principles to their children and give them a sense of belonging. He said:

There is reason for hope. More people seem to recognize that public solutions are not as effective as family solutions. Some authority seems to be returning to the head
of the home. But, most important, I see many adults, mostly parents and grandparents, who are ï¿½crazy about kids.' If in the process we can bring back into our lives
and into our homes sacred spiritual and moral truths, we will reclaim a sacred and precious part of our heritage. (In Conference Report, April 1987, p. 103.)

It is our hope that the children who come into our homes will know that we are crazy about them and that they are loved, and that we as parents will help them reclaim
their sacred heritage of peace and happinessone by one.

_____

Scott and Angelle Anderson live in Bluffdale, Utah, and have seven children and one grandchild. Brother Anderson graduated from the University of Utah with a
bachelor's degree in psychology. He received a master's degree in counseling and guidance and a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy from Brigham Young University.
He is on the faculty at the institute of religion at Utah Valley State College, and is the advisor to the institute of religion council. Sister Anderson is a homemaker, a past
member of the executive board of the Festival of Trees benefit for Primary Children's Hospital, and a member of the Bluffdale Arts Council's governing board. She
lectures at BYU Education Week and has also lectured for the Governor's Conference on Families. She is president of Homespun Harmony, a nonprofit organization
specializing in materials to strengthen families. She has a degree in elementary education from BYU.

5 the Lord's Plan for Parents and Children

Daniel K Judd

We are greatly blessed to live in an age when the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored to the earth in its fulness, but while blessings abound, all is not well in Zion
nor in the world in general. There continues to be an increasing number of children, parents, and families, within and without the Church, who are experiencing serious
social and emotional problems. The Apostle Paul prophesied of these difficult times when he wrote: "This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For
men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers,
false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of
godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away." (2 Tim. 3:1-5.)

We live in challenging times. Some of the most difficult problems we face during our lifetimes have had or will yet have to do with issues concerning marriages, families,
and children. It is difficult to think of a problem one can have that doesn't directly or indirectly influence family relationships. The family is central to who we are (see
D&C 130:2). Perhaps this is the reason Satan continues to attack family relationships, for he knows that if he can destroy the family, the future of mankind will be in his
power.

After describing the "perilous times" that would exist in the last days, and prophesying that men would be "ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of
the truth" (2 Tim. 3:1, 7), the Apostle Paul provided the following counsel:

But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;
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And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
the truth" (2 Tim. 3:1, 7), the Apostle Paul provided the following counsel:

But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;

And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works. (2 Tim. 3:14-17.)

As members of the Church, past and present, we have been counseled to remain faithful and turn to God, to the scriptures, and to the words of our living prophets for
answers to the problems we face. But are these sources of truth sufficient to address the complex problems of our day? This chapter is an attempt to explore some of
the problems we face and to consider some possible answers to these problems from a doctrinal perspective.

Sacred and Secular Philosophies

Several years ago my wife, Kaye, and I were dealing with one of the day-to-day problems experienced by most parents. Our son Jacob was becoming more and more
aggressive with his younger sister, Jessica. We reasoned in part that Jake's problem could be due to his fascination with the violently virtuous "Masters of the Universe"
cartoon characters. Such figures as He-Man, Sheera, and Skeletor had come to replace our family as the central figures in Jake's life. When Jake first began to play
with these action figures we were amused as he, playing the role of He-Man, would rescue Jessi's Barbie dolls from the various villains who had abducted them. But
soon our delight turned to distress as Jake became more and more aggressive in his talk and play. He soon changed from acting the part of the hero, He-Man, to the
evil character, Skeletor. Jessi was upset not only because of the rough treatment she was receiving from Jake, but because Barbie was spending more and more time as
a hostage, for the good guys were no longer winning the battles. It seemed Jake and Jessi were constantly fighting. Kaye and I became increasingly concerned as to
what we should do.

As a graduate student studying family science, I had been taught all the answers to dealing with these kinds of problems. But the problem I had was that many of the
various solutions I had learned contradicted one another.

Family life educators, therapists, and writers coming from the Freudian tradition would have reasoned that Jake's aggressive behavior was to be expected and we ought
to allow him to work out his "inner conflicts" through his play. Those coming from the behavioral perspective would have encouraged us to identify the behaviors we
wanted to "extinguish" and those we wanted to "reinforce." We would have then been instructed to set up a schedule of rewards and punishments that would help us
"manage" Jake and obtain the results we were looking for. Other writers would have explained that Jake's aggression was only a stage through which he was passing
and not to worry. Still other "experts" would have encouraged us to reason with Jake and help him come to an understanding that his style of play was harmful both to
himself and others.

Other writers, coming from an Adlerian perspective, which had become very popular in LDS circles, would have encouraged us to identify the goal behind Jake's
misbehavior (such as seeking attention). We would then have to set up a series of "logical and natural consequences" which would help us and Jake deal with the
inferiority complex we all supposedly have. Family Systems theorists would have encouraged us to admit that Jake was simply the "identified patient" and that his
misbehavior was a symptom of a problem with the way our family system was functioning. Was our family too rigid and in need of greater freedom and more
opportunity of expression?

Our "politically correct" friends wouldn't allow their children to play with toys that encouraged violence and were somewhat disappointed we hadn't done the same.
Should we forbid Jake from playing with such toys?

We responded by muddling along, dealing with each crisis as it came but being tacitly concerned about Jake's increasing aggressiveness and resistance and our seeming
inability to do much about it.

One day as I was listening to Jake and his friends do battle, the thought came into my mind that I should simply abandon my "conscientious objector" status and jump in
and play! What if this really was a battle in which I had been called upon to participate? How would I and how should I respond to the challenges of war? At first I
tried to justify not playing. I thought of all the other supposedly more important things I had to do at the time and told myself that I really didn't want to give my support
to such an abominable marketing charade as the "Masters of the Universe." But for the first time in this particular sequence of events, my rationalizations weren't
convincing, and I asked Jake if I could play. I don't know if he was more surprised or reluctant, as his expression was a combination of both. He was probably
surprised that I wanted to play, and reluctant to allow me to play because I would probably get in the way of the fun he and his friends were having. Whatever his
thoughts were, Jake responded by saying, "Okay, Dad, you can be Man-at-Arms." Man-at-Arms was one of the "good guys" who wasn't one of the main playerskind
of symbolic of my role as Jake's parent at the time.

After a few light skirmishes, I soon found myself without much to do. If you weren't in the process of capturing or being captured, the game was somewhat
meaningless. This changed quickly, however, as Skeletor abducted Barbie. I knew it was my duty to rescue her, which, after a heroic battle, I did. I also arrested
Skeletor and took him to my newly constructed military prison (Grandma's antique end table). Much to Jake's chagrin, I then began reading to Skeletor from a Book of
Mormon that was nearby. Jake voiced his protest, "Dad, you can't do that . . . These guys aren't churchy!" Between thwarting various rescue attempts by Jake and the
other disciples of doom, I continued to explain the gospel to Skeletor. After some time had passed, I informed Jake and his friends that Skeletor had agreed to be
baptized. Jake continued his protest, but his resistance soon softened as he watched me fill a large Tupperware bowl with water and invite the other "Masters of the
Universe" characters to attend Skeletor's baptismal service. We then "baptized" Skeletor.

I realize that to some, holding a mock baptism may sound like sacrilege, but my change of heart which allowed me to enter Jake's world, and the subsequent baptism of
Skeletor, marked a change in my relationship with my son. I gave my heart to Jake and he gave his to me. No longer did I see Jake as my enemy, but as my son and
brother whom I have the privilege of introducing to the Master of the UniverseJesus Christ. Today, if you were to ask Jake to describe his dad, he would probably tell
you this story with a mixture of incredulousness and delight.

The Language of Revelation

While the story I have just recounted deals with the resolution of quite a simple problem, the experience taught me several lessons that have helped me in dealing with
the more complex problems that have followed. I learned I must exercise caution as I encounter the philosophies of the world. Just because an idea is logical, is being
taught by someone who is well educated, and seems to be well accepted by others, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is correct. I have also learned I must seek to
always be sensitive to the promptings of my conscience, for this is the Lord's main way of communicating with me. Also, asking and following through on the question
"What would the Lord have me do?" is a simple suggestion with profound implications. President Howard W. Hunter counseled: "Let us follow the Son of God in all
ways and all walks of life. Let us make him our exemplar and our guide. . . . We should at every opportunity ask ourselves, ï¿½What would Jesus do?' and then act
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more courageously to act upon the answer. . . . We should make every effort to become like Christ, the one perfect and sinless example this world has    ever seen."
Conference Report, October 1994, p. 118.)
taught by someone who is well educated, and seems to be well accepted by others, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is correct. I have also learned I must seek to
always be sensitive to the promptings of my conscience, for this is the Lord's main way of communicating with me. Also, asking and following through on the question
"What would the Lord have me do?" is a simple suggestion with profound implications. President Howard W. Hunter counseled: "Let us follow the Son of God in all
ways and all walks of life. Let us make him our exemplar and our guide. . . . We should at every opportunity ask ourselves, ï¿½What would Jesus do?' and then act
more courageously to act upon the answer. . . . We should make every effort to become like Christ, the one perfect and sinless example this world has ever seen." (In
Conference Report, October 1994, p. 118.)

The methods I used in dealing with my son's aggressive behavior weren't as important as the change of heart I experienced as I tried to be true to my prompting of
conscience. There are no recipes for rearing children. Be wary of those who tell you they know what is right for your child, especially when it goes against your own
sense of right and wrong. Elder James E. Faust has said:

One of the most difficult parental challenges is to appropriately discipline children. Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works
with one may not work with another. I do not know who is wise enough to say what discipline is too harsh or what is too lenient except the parents of the children
themselves, who love them most. It is a matter of prayerful discernment for the parents. Certainly the overarching and undergirding principle is that the discipline of
children must be motivated more by love than by punishment. Brigham Young counseled, "If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the
balm you have within you to bind up" (in Journal of Discourses 9:124-25). Direction and discipline are, however, certainly an indispensable part of child-rearing. (In
Conference Report, October 1990, p. 41.)

I have also come to understand that in following the Savior's example, what is right might not always be what seems reasonable (see Hel. 16:18). President Joseph
Fielding Smith wrote of the danger of relying solely on the power of intellect:

The worship of reason, of false philosophy, is greater now than it was [in the past]. Men are depending upon their own research to find out God, and that which they
cannot discover and which they cannot demonstrate to their satisfaction through their own research and their natural senses, they reject. They are not seeking for
theSpirit of the Lord; they are not striving to know God in the manner in which he has marked out by which he may be known; but they are walking in their own way,
believing in their own man-made philosophies, teaching the doctrines of devils and not the doctrines of the Son of God. (Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R.
McConkie, 3 vols. [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1954-56], 3:275.)

This isn't to say that reason and intellect should be rejected, only that reason shouldn't be exercised without regard to the wisdom of God, of which it is inextricably a
part. Nephi taught that the Lord said we should not "hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost" (2 Ne.
28:31). Nephi's brother Jacob taught that "to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God" (2 Ne. 9:29). Note the following counsel from President
Hugh B. Brown:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints accepts newly revealed truth, whether it comes through direct revelation or from study and research. We deny the
common conception of reality that distinguishes radically between the natural and the supernatural, between the temporal and the eternal, between the sacred and the
secular. For us, there is no order of reality that is utterly different in character from the world of which we are a part, that is separated from us by an impassable gulf.
We do not separate our daily mundane tasks and interests from the meaning and substance of religion. We recognize the spiritual in all phases and aspects of living and
realize that this life is an important part of eternal life. (In Conference Report, April 1964, pp. 81-82.)

Truth can be found in a textbook as well as on a mountaintop. The important point is that we need to make "righteous judgment" (JST, Matt. 7:1-2) of the knowledge
we obtain, whether it comes from secular or sacred sources. Mormon teaches us that the way to make these judgments is as plain as "the daylight is from the dark
night. . . . For every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a
perfect knowledge it is of God" (Moro. 7:15-16). This isn't to say, however, that we will always be able to discern right from wrong in the present moment. From the
Doctrine and Covenants we read: "But as you cannot always judge the righteous, or as you cannot always tell the wicked from the righteous, therefore I say unto you,
hold your peace until I shall see fit to make all things known unto the world concerning the matter" (D&C 10:37). There will be times when we will need to exercise
patience and "wait upon the Lord" (2 Ne. 18:17) for the understanding that is sought. Oftentimes revelation is more of a process than a singular event.

We will also be expected to use our own experience and powers of reasoning to decide upon a course of action:

For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth
no reward.

Verily, I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward. (D&C 58:26-28; see also
D&C 9:7-9.)

A powerful example of the Lord teaching ways of dealing with problems is found in the Book of Mormon account of his schooling of the brother of Jared. The Lord
gave the brother of Jared detailed directions concerning the building of barges that would take him and his family from the old world to the new (see Ether 2:16-18).
The Lord also gave him specific instructions concerning the ventilation of the barges (see Ether 2:19-20). But when the brother of Jared inquired of the Lord as to what
he should do to solve the problem of there being no light in the barges, the Lord answered him as follows:

What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels? For behold, ye cannot have windows, for they will be dashed in pieces; neither shall ye take fire
with you, for ye shall not go by the light of fire.

For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the
sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.

And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone
forth, and the floods which shall come. Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?
(Ether 2:23-25.)

The Lord responded to the question the brother of Jared asked by listing several alternatives that wouldn't be effective. He then asked the brother of Jared, "What will
ye that I should prepare for you . . . ?" The brother of Jared, using his own experience and ability, arrived at a solution and presented sixteen stones to the Lord for his
blessing. The Lord then literally empowered the brother of Jared's solution by touching his finger to the stones. (See Ether 3:1-6.)

It has been my experience that the Lord often deals with each of us in this very same way. He responds to many of our challenges with specific instructions on how to
handle them. Many of the answers are available to us even before we ask the questions. The Lord answers other questions by asking us, "What will ye that I should
do  . . . ?" (Ether
 Copyright          2:23.)
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Many of our questions concerning the rearing of our children could very well have answers we arrive at on our own or by the suggestion of others, but never should we
seek to employ them independent of the Lord's empowerment. Most important, we can always have confidence in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father loves us
blessing. The Lord then literally empowered the brother of Jared's solution by touching his finger to the stones. (See Ether 3:1-6.)

It has been my experience that the Lord often deals with each of us in this very same way. He responds to many of our challenges with specific instructions on how to
handle them. Many of the answers are available to us even before we ask the questions. The Lord answers other questions by asking us, "What will ye that I should
do . . . ?" (Ether 2:23.)

Many of our questions concerning the rearing of our children could very well have answers we arrive at on our own or by the suggestion of others, but never should we
seek to employ them independent of the Lord's empowerment. Most important, we can always have confidence in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father loves us
and wants to help us deal with the challenges we face:

And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?

Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him? (Luke 11:9-
13.)

A Change of Heart

While there is some truth in most, if not all, of the various theories of child development and parenting, most do not focus on what really mattersa change of heart.
Neither do these theories focus on the means of this[transformation"[yielding] to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and [putting] off the natural man . . . through the
atonement of Christ" (Mosiah 3:19). The following words of the Savior have always been of value to me as I have studied and attempted to make sense of the various
theories of human behavior: "But if it be not built upon my gospel, and is built upon the works of men, or upon the works of the devil, verily I say unto you they have joy
in their works for a season, and by and by the end cometh, and they are hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence there is no return" (3 Ne. 27:11). Notice that
the Savior distinguishes between the "works of men" and the "works of the devil." Not every idea conceived by man is evil, only those which lead us away from God.
Also, notice that those who follow a plan that is contrary to the Savior's teachings may indeed be successful, but only "for a season."

Elder Boyd K. Packer gave the following counsel concerning the relationship of the philosophies of man and the doctrines of God:

I have come to believe that it is the tendency for many members of the Church who spend a great deal of time in academic research to begin to judge the Churchits
doctrine, organization, and leadership, present and pastby the principles of their own profession. Ofttimes this is done unwittingly, and some of it, perhaps, is not
harmful.

It is an easy thing for a man with extensive academic training to measure the Church using as his standard the principles he has been taught in his professional training. In
my mind it ought to be the other way around. A member of the Church ought always, particularly if he is pursuing extensive academic studies, to judge the professions
of man against the revealed word of the Lord. (Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1991], p. 101.)

While the majority of Church members do not spend their time in academic research, many devote a significant amount of time reading self-help books pertaining to
marriage and family issues. While these books may contain some truths, they always need to be measured against the standard of truththe gospel of Jesus Christ. If
what is read isn't consistent with what the Lord or his prophets have taught, we should follow the Apostle Paul's counsel and "from such turn away" (2 Tim. 3:5).

An example of an area of controversy about which much has been written is child discipline. More specifically, to spank or not to spank our children has become a
divisive issue. Many parents will cite the scriptures as their justification for spanking their children. While most of us have heard the phrase "Spare the rod and spoil the
child," it may come as a surprise to some to learn that the phrase is not found in scripture. The closest scriptural references are found in the book of Proverbs: "He that
spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes" (Prov. 13:24) "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod,
he shall not die" (Prov. 23:13; see also Deut. 21:18-21; Prov. 3:11-12; 10:13; 19:18, 29; 20:30; 22:6, 15; 26:3; 29:15, 17). President George Albert Smith stated:

We are very well aware that it is but little use to whip "Mormon" children. You undertake to thrash anything into them, and you will most surely thrash it out of them. . .
. The manner in which it must be done is by moral suasion, superior intellect, wisdom, prudence and good straightforward management. . . . I know they say Solomon
declared if you spare the rod you will spoil the child. My opinion is that the use of the rod is very frequently the result of a want of understanding on the part of a spoiled
parent or teacher in guiding, directing and controlling the feelings and affections of children, though of course the use of the rod in some cases might be necessary; but I
have seen children abused when they ought not to have been, because King Solomon is believed to have made that remark, which, if he did, in nine cases out of ten
referred to mental rather than physical correction. (In Journal of Discourses 14:374.)

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said:

In terms of physical abuse, I have never accepted the principle of "spare the rod and spoil the child." I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger
upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don't need
beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.

I recently read a biography of George H. Brimhall, who at one time served as president of Brigham Young University. Concerning him, someone said that he reared
"his boys with a rod, but it [was] a fishing rod" (Raymond Brimhall Holbrook and Esther Hamilton Holbrook, The Tall Pine Tree: The Life and Work of George H.
Brimhall [n.p., 1988], p. 62). That says it all. (In Conference Report, October 1994, pp. 73-74.)

The actual spanking of a child may not be as much an issue as the condition of the parent's heart as he or she disciplines a child. The following diagram contrasts the
divine attribute of justice with man's selfish motive of punishment, and the divine attribute of mercy with the adversary's counterfeit of indulgence.

Punishment

Justice Mercy

Indulgence
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I have put punishment and indulgence on what I call the vertical "I" axis of this diagram because they are both representations of selfish "I" motives. When we are
punishing or indulging our children, we have put our own desires before the needs of our children. We see our children as obstacles that get in the way of our own self-
Punishment

Justice Mercy

Indulgence

I have put punishment and indulgence on what I call the vertical "I" axis of this diagram because they are both representations of selfish "I" motives. When we are
punishing or indulging our children, we have put our own desires before the needs of our children. We see our children as obstacles that get in the way of our own self-
centered agenda. These motives are characteristic of the "natural man" described in scripture (see Mosiah 3:19; 1 Cor. 2:14; D&C 67:12). While selfish motives are
natural and even normal, they are certainly not Godlike. Even though there are those who criticize the God of the Old Testament as being selfish, angry, and vengeful
(see Philip Greven's book Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse [New York: Knopf, 1991]), a careful
study of the personality of Jehovah reveals a God that does "all things for the welfare and happiness of his people" (Hel. 12:2; see also 2 Ne. 26:24). The scriptures
teach of a God that is perfectly just as well as perfectly merciful.

Being a parent becomes the most important apprenticeship one could have for one day becoming perfect even as our Father in Heaven is perfect (see Matt. 5:48).
Parenthood gives one the ideal opportunity of developing the same attributes our Father in Heaven has.

The Great Plan of Happiness

Before we become parents, we typically have idealistic notions of what the experience will bring. We see our future selves as being warm, nurturing parents with
competent, obedient children. While this is an ideal we can hope for and work toward, it rarely describes reality. For most of us who have become parents, reality soon
hits as we find ourselves facing the very challenging realities of being a father or mother. In a metaphorical sense, we have gone from the Garden of Eden to the
imperfect mortal world as we face the challenges of parenthood. We can resent the fact that our fantasy of the ideal family may have been challenged, or we can work
and pray to make something of this sacred opportunity.

While bookstores are full of books on different plans and strategies for child rearing, all pale in comparison to the Lord's plan described in scripture. This plan goes by
different names including the plan of redemption (Alma 12:25), the plan of salvation (Alma 24:14), the great plan of the Eternal God (Alma 34:9), and the great plan of
happiness (Alma 42:8). (For a more detailed account see the author's chapter "The Creation, the Fall and the Atonement: The Great and Eternal Plan for Family
Relationships," in Douglas E. Brinley and Daniel K Judd, Eternal Companions [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1995], pp. 44-67.)

A careful analysis of scripture reveals that the Lord's plan is founded on the doctrines of the Creation, the Fall, and the Atonement. The doctrine of the Creation
describes man's origin and potential, the Fall describes man's earthly reality, and the doctrine of the Atonement reconciles the differences between the two.

What follows is a brief description of the implications each of these doctrines has for family life and how each of these doctrines of God compare with the philosophies
of men.

The Creation

A parent's beliefs about the nature of children can have important implications for how they rear them. In Victorian England, many parents considered their children to
have evil natures because they were "born in sin" as a consequence of Adam and Eve partaking of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of
Eden. Because of this erroneous belief, proposed by Protestant theologians such as John Calvin, many parents believed their duties included providing stern discipline
even to the extreme of "beating the devil" out of their children (see P. Aries, Centuries of Childhood: A Social History of Family Life, trans. R. Baldick [New York:
Alfred A. Knopf, 1960], pp. 128-33). Some historians believe that the phrase "rule of thumb" originated in England when parents were instructed they could not
discipline their children with a rod any larger in diameter than their thumb (see I. Gibson, The English Vice: Beating, Sex and Shame in Victorian England and After
[London: Duckworth, 1978], p. 49). The idea that a child is born evil, which is still believed by some, can lead to harsh, rigid parenting and even outright physical
violence in some cases. Being "born in sin" can also become a rationalization for sin on the part of the parent as well as the child.

Another tradition we find in our midst was first proposed by French philosopher Jean-Jacque Rousseau (1712-1778). Rousseau considered children to be born good
and simply in need of a warm, supportive, nurturing environment for optimal growth. Parents and the culture of which they were a part were seen as being the problem,
and if the child was left more to himself, he would achieve his greatest potential. (See W. Crain, Theories of Development: Concepts and Applications, 3rd ed.
[Englewood, N.J.: Prentice Hall, 1992], pp. 8-10.) Rousseau once wrote, "Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains" (The Social Contract, trans. G. Hopkins
[New York: Oxford University Press, 1962], p. 1). In other words, Rousseau believed children are naturally good but become enslaved by a corrupt society. This
philosophy is the foundation for many humanistic theories of parenting today.

If the limitations of humanistic philosophy are not understood properly, believing and practicing its principles can contribute to serious problems for the family. If the
parents believe that a child is naturally good, they will be more inclined to indulge their children by allowing them to have total freedom of choice in what they choose to
do. Indulgence, called "free agency" by the indulgent, is the adversary's counterfeit of what the Lord has termed moral agency. Elder Boyd K. Packer clarifies this point
of doctrine in his discussion of the pro-choice philosophy:

Regardless of how lofty and moral the "pro-choice" argument sounds, it is badly flawed. With that same logic one could argue that all traffic signs and barriers which
keep the careless from danger should be pulled down on the theory that each individual must be free to choose how close to the edge he will go.

The phrase "free agency" does not appear in scripture. The only agency spoken of there is moral agency, "which," the Lord said, "I have given unto him, that every man
may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment" (D&C 101:78). (In Conference Report, April 1992, p. 92; emphasis in original.)

It is the parents' duty to teach their children that moral agency doesn't simply imply the choice between alternatives but the choice between right and wrong (see D&C
68:25).

The English philosopher John Locke (1632-1704) raised concerns about the contradictory philosophies of Calvin and Rousseau and proposed that a child is born
neither good nor evil but with a mind that is a tabula rasa, or "blank slate." Locke proposed that children develop and personalities are formed as they are acted upon
by the environment. American psychologist John Watson, whose ideas follow the philosophy of John Locke, once wrote: "Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-
formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any specialist I might selectdoctor,
lawyer, artist, merchant, chief, and yes, even beggarman and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his
ancestors" (Behaviorism [New York: W. W. Norton, 1930], p. 104). This notion reinforces the idea that children are products of their environments.

Locke's and Watson's ideas are the predecessors of the more "scientific" theories of child development in use today. One of the greatest weaknesses in these theories is
found in their implications for parenting. Many parents who believe their child is born with a "blank slate" typically feel a great responsibility to "make something" of
them.  These(c)
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have these kinds of beliefs will often attempt to have their child enrolled in multiple extracurricular activities, demanding excellence in each. Conversely, the other side of
this counterfeit philosophy could lead parents to believe that if their child has problems or challenges or isn't a success, it is also the fault of the parent.
ancestors" (Behaviorism [New York: W. W. Norton, 1930], p. 104). This notion reinforces the idea that children are products of their environments.

Locke's and Watson's ideas are the predecessors of the more "scientific" theories of child development in use today. One of the greatest weaknesses in these theories is
found in their implications for parenting. Many parents who believe their child is born with a "blank slate" typically feel a great responsibility to "make something" of
them. These parents characteristically believe that if their child is going to amount to anything in life, it is going to be the result of their successful parenting. Parents who
have these kinds of beliefs will often attempt to have their child enrolled in multiple extracurricular activities, demanding excellence in each. Conversely, the other side of
this counterfeit philosophy could lead parents to believe that if their child has problems or challenges or isn't a success, it is also the fault of the parent.

This philosophy is represented by the statement, "If it is to be [my child amounting to something], it is up to me!" One writer described a typical child participating in
such a lifestyle as "the hurried child" (D. Elkind, The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, 2nd ed. [New York: Addison Wesley, 1988], p. xi). Sadly,
another implication of this style of parenting is the mother feeling it necessary to work outside the home in order to afford the fee for these extra activities. Beware of an
activity which demands that your children run faster than they have strength.

The kinds of false beliefs I have presented so far are a portion of what the scriptures refer to as "the wicked and abominable traditions of their fathers." It is imperative
that we come to understand these false doctrines for what they are and the truths of which they are a counterfeit: "And behold, ye do know of yourselves, for ye have
witnessed it, that as many of them as are brought to the knowledge of the truth, and to know of the wicked and abominable traditions of their fathers, and are led to
believe the holy scriptures, yea, the prophecies of the holy prophets, which are written, which leadeth them to faith on the Lord, and unto repentance, which faith and
repentance bringeth a change of heart unto themtherefore, as many as have come to this . . . are firm and steadfast in the faith" (Hel. 15:7).

In my classes at BYU I often ask my students to choose between these three alternative views of the nature of childrenCalvin's, Rousseau's, and Locke'sthat I have
outlined. The majority will say they have been reared according to Locke, but they want to rear their own children differently. The votes representing their own personal
views are usually split between the views of Calvin and Rousseau. Those espousing Calvin's view will quote King Benjamin's discourse wherein he writes, "The natural
man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam" (Mosiah 3:19). Those favoring Rousseau's view of the innate goodness of children will typically quote the
words of Christ in Mormon's letter to his son Moroni: "Wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is
taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them. . . . Little children need no repentance, neither baptism." (Moro. 8:8, 11.)

Which one of these views is correct? My vote is none of the above. The scriptures, while supporting parts of these various theories when taken out of context, teach
something quite different. From the Doctrine and Covenants we read: "Every spirit of man was innocent in the beginning; and God having redeemed man from the fall,
men became again, in their infant state, innocent before God" (D&C 93:38). Being born innocent is being born neither good nor evil but having the potential for both.
Some may argue that being born innocent is the same as being born with a blank slate. The difference between these two assertions is found in the fact that as children
mature, they are free "to act for themselves and not to be acted upon" (2 Ne. 2:26, see also Hel. 14:30). The blank slate idea espouses the notion that as a child
matures he continues to be a passive object conditioned by the environment. The scriptures teach that as innocent children mature they become active agents free to
choose good or evil. In the Book of Mormon we read: "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man.
And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the
devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (2 Ne. 2:27; see also 2 Ne. 2:26, 28-30; 10:23; Alma 13:3; Hel. 14:31.)

"As man now is, God once was; as God now is, man may be" is the essential message of the creation (The Teachings of Lorenzo Snow, comp. Clyde J. Williams [Salt
Lake City: Bookcraft, 1984), p. 2). While we have the potential to become like God, we also have the potential to become like the devil. The choice is ours; we do not
have some preformed, predestined fate. Therefore, we must come to understand the mission the Lord has for each of us and do everything we can to fulfill it. We must
also speak to our children in terms of identifying and fulfilling their own unique missions. It is only in fulfilling the measure and purpose of our creation that we will
experience the meaning and joy each of us seek.

The Fall

While we are born innocent, we give up our innocence to virtue and vice. In D&C 93 of the Doctrine and Covenants the Lord gives a description of how each of us
lose our innocence and become the "natural man": "And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men, and
because of the tradition of their fathers" (D&C 93:39). As we disobey the commandments of God and suffer the consequences of believing and living the incorrect
traditions of our fathers, we become fallen. In the Doctrine and Covenants we read: "He created man, male and female, after his own image and in his own likeness,
created he them; and gave unto them commandments that they should love and serve him, the only living and true God, and that he should be the only being whom they
should worship. But by the transgression of these holy laws man became sensual and devilish, and became fallen man." (D&C 20:18-20; see also Moses 5:13.)

Our fallen natures can also come as a result of sins that are not our own. For example, if a child grows up in a home where alcohol is used freely, the chances are great
that he will not see it as a sin. This child, however, will still suffer the consequences if he consumes alcohol. He will also develop traditions and appetites that will be
carried forward into his later life. The same is true of other incorrect traditionswe suffer the consequences of sinning, even if we are sinning in ignorance (see Mosiah
3:11).

In my work with families over the years, I have come to believe that one of the most important things parents can do for their childrenand for themselvesis to identify
and become free of the incorrect traditions that exist in their families.

Several years ago I received a phone call from a woman who asked if I could help her deal with some of the psychological problems associated with a serious illness.1
As we talked, it soon became quite evident that her marriage and family were in serious trouble. She related to me how disappointed she was in her husband's
"faithlessness" in his Church responsibilities and how her oldest son was following his example. She described to me in great detail how she had thought the week
before that maybe there was some hope for her husband, as he had told her he was going to take their fifteen-year-old son to general priesthood meeting. She found
out later they had gone to the shooting range instead. They had deliberately deceived her by walking out of the house dressed for the meeting, only to change into other
clothes they had hidden in the pickup truck. They had then changed back into their dress clothes before coming home. She was quite sure that divorce was the only
option, as her husband was setting such a poor example for the children. She also described how she was quite sure he drank alcohol from time to time and might even
be involved with another woman. I asked if it was possible to meet with them as a couple. She said that she didn't think it was a good idea for the three of us to meet,
because her husband would just "twist things around" to make her look bad. She did say that she thought he would meet with me privately.

As anyone who has spent time talking to couples in conflict will appreciate, his story was quite different from hers. His first question to me was to ask if I thought his
wife would be helped by psychiatric hospitalization. He then described to me what he termed the "religious fanatic" he had married. When I asked him about the
incident where he and his son had gone shooting instead of to the priesthood meeting, he agreed they probably shouldn't have deceived her but said that he had good
reason for doing what he did. He then related to me the previous events of that day to show me what his wife was really like.

She had insisted the entire family watch general conference on television from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon and then again from 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Not only had she
insisted they all watch conference, they had to be dressed in their Sunday clothes and sit quietly through the conference sessions. He thought this was especially cruel
for their younger children (three children under ten years of age), as well as for their thirteen-year-old daughter, fifteen-year-old son, and him! He explained to me how
he had tried(c)
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The husband further explained to me how his lack of activity in religious matters was designed to balance his wife's fanatical religious behavior. He didn't want his
children to grow up to be "religious fanatics" like their mother. He reasoned that while he knew some of his actions seemed inappropriate, he was simply doing the best
She had insisted the entire family watch general conference on television from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon and then again from 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Not only had she
insisted they all watch conference, they had to be dressed in their Sunday clothes and sit quietly through the conference sessions. He thought this was especially cruel
for their younger children (three children under ten years of age), as well as for their thirteen-year-old daughter, fifteen-year-old son, and him! He explained to me how
he had tried to reason with her in the past, but she would typically become sullen and lock herself in the bedroom, crying that he wasn't being supportive.

The husband further explained to me how his lack of activity in religious matters was designed to balance his wife's fanatical religious behavior. He didn't want his
children to grow up to be "religious fanatics" like their mother. He reasoned that while he knew some of his actions seemed inappropriate, he was simply doing the best
he could under very difficult circumstances.

Interestingly, his wife would later explain to me how everything she was doing was only meant to save their children. She felt she wasn't being a fanatic but was only
trying to help her children learn to live the gospel in spite of the bad example of their father.

Do you see what was happening? Both the husband and the wife were seeing each other as the problem, and for years their solution had been to insist that the other
one change. The wife wanted the husband to become more religious, the husband wanted the wife to be less. Also, they both saw themselves as doing what they had to
do to save the children. In reality, they were in a downward spiral of blame and accusation. In the words of another husband who had come to see himself in a similar
situation with his wife, "So you see, what to her was the best solution available was to me the very problem that I needed to solve!" (C. Terry Warner, "Bonds of
Anguish, Bonds of Love" [unpublished manuscript, 1992], 4:5.)

Can you appreciate the fact that the problems this troubled couple were facing involved the children's happiness as well? Might some of the traditions this family was
acting out have influence on future generations? Can you see how the children in the family might even choose to become allies with either the father or the mother, or to
disassociate themselves from the family altogether? What would you say has to change for this troubled relationship to be healed?

First of all, we must understandwhether our problems are with our spouse, children, neighbors, or business associatesthat seeing other people as the problem is the
problem. This is part of what the Savior was teaching us when he said:

Judge not, that ye be not judged.

For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye. (Matt. 7:1-5; see also JST,
Matt. 7:4-8.)

The answer to solving this problem is found in the latter part of this passage: "First cast out the beam out of thine own eye." In the story I have been relating, this was
somewhat difficult for the wife to understand. At first she couldn't understand how doing all of the "righteous" things she had been doing could be part of the problem.
After all, she was only doing what the scriptures and prophets had been teaching her. It wasn't until we read the following verse that she began to see her own sins: "But
behold, the Jews were a stiffnecked people; and they despised the words of plainness, and killed the prophets, and sought for things that they could not understand.
Wherefore, because of their blindness, which blindness came by looking beyond the mark, they must needs fall; for God hath taken away his plainness from them, and
delivered unto them many things which they cannot understand, because they desired it. And because they desired it God hath done it, that they may stumble." (Jacob
4:14.)

The wife came to understand that her going "beyond the mark" was just as much a sin as her husband's falling short. To this woman's credit, she was teachable and
began to seek the Lord's direction in solving her marital and family problems. As she became more and more sensitive to following her promptings of conscience, which
included seeking her husband's forgiveness of her "fanatical" behavior, she was able to invite a miraculous change into her family. While at first her husband thought this
was simply another ploy to manipulate him, he soon became convinced she was sincere and began to do much sincere repenting of his own.

The Atonement

One of the most powerful truths I have come to know is that the Lord's plan for family relationships includes opposition. It is naive to believe or even to desire that life
can or should be lived void of problems. As Lehi taught his son Jacob: "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the
wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad . . . no life neither death, nor corruption
nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility." (2 Ne. 2:11.) The process of overcoming the problems we face as individuals and as families is
an essential part of the Lord's plan for our happiness.

The heart of our Heavenly Father's plan is the atonement of Jesus Christ. I have come to believe that while social science can sometimes help us come to an
understanding of our problems and can provide effective strategies for coping with them, it is only through the atonement of Christ that we can truly be free.

The word atonement literally means "reconciliation." Not only can we be reconciled with God, the atonement of Christ offers a means of reconcilement with our friends
and family members from whom we may have become estranged.

To begin with, not only does the at-one-ment include the Savior's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and his subsequent death and resurrection, but it also includes
the example of his mortal life. The Prophet Joseph Smith once taught the following concerning the process by which we can come to exercise faith in God the Father
and in the Lord Jesus Christ:

Let us here observe, that three things are necessary in order that any rational and intelligent being may exercise faith in God unto life and salvation.

First, the idea that he actually exists.

Secondly, a correct idea of his character, perfections, and attributes.

Thirdly, an actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing is according to his will. For without an acquaintance with these three important facts, the faith of
every rational being must be imperfect and unproductive; but with this understanding it can become perfect and fruitful, abounding in righteousness, unto the praise and
glory of God the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ. (Lectures on Faith 3:2-5.)
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I have always found it interesting to note that the Prophet emphasized the word correct in the third paragraph. Coming to a "correct idea of his character, perfections,
and attributes" can give us an important understanding as to what our own and our children's potentials are and toward what end we should be working. The First
Presidency in 1909 taught: "Man is the child of God, formed in the divine image and endowed with divine attributes, and even as the infant son of an earthly father and
Thirdly, an actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing is according to his will. For without an acquaintance with these three important facts, the faith of
every rational being must be imperfect and unproductive; but with this understanding it can become perfect and fruitful, abounding in righteousness, unto the praise and
glory of God the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ. (Lectures on Faith 3:2-5.)

I have always found it interesting to note that the Prophet emphasized the word correct in the third paragraph. Coming to a "correct idea of his character, perfections,
and attributes" can give us an important understanding as to what our own and our children's potentials are and toward what end we should be working. The First
Presidency in 1909 taught: "Man is the child of God, formed in the divine image and endowed with divine attributes, and even as the infant son of an earthly father and
mother is capable in due time of becoming a man, so the undeveloped offspring of celestial parentage is capable, by experience through ages and aeons, of evolving into
a God" (James R. Clark, comp., Messages of the First Presidency, 6 vols. [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965-75], 4:206).

As we come to understand the character of God, we can come to comprehend who we really are. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught, "If men do not comprehend the
character of God, they do not comprehend themselves" (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, comp. Joseph Fielding Smith [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.,
1976], p. 343).

One of the Savior's greatest attributes is selflessness. When faced with the greatest pain and anguish any member of the human family has experienced, he said the
following words in a prayer to Heavenly Father: "If thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42). He
acknowledged his own wishes but was committed to doing the will of God, which meant he would take upon himself the pains of all mankind (see D&C 19:16) and
would eventually die that we might live. Notice the parallels to the atonement of Christ in the following story by Carlfred Broderick:

The term "savior on Mount Zion" [see Obad. 1:21] is ordinarily reserved for those engaged in vicarious work for the dead. . . .

But I believe that the term might also be applied to another group of the Saints. These have been called to sacrifice for the sake of saving the living, often of their own
household.

I first began to think in these terms as a result of counseling two women who had hard life assignments. The first had convinced her boyfriend to join the Church and
one year later to marry her in the temple. Unhappily, the conversion didn't "take," and soon thereafter he returned to his worldly ways, which included all of the minor
vices and several of the major ones. They had children who seemed to elect their father's life-style rather than their mother's. I watched this good sister struggle with her
rebellious family over the years, and I am ashamed to admit that I had sometimes judged her harshly. For example, if she had asked my opinion, I could have told her
before she married him that her husband-to-be was more committed to her than to the gospel. Also, I felt that she had been overly permissive with her children. In
short, I self-righteously judged that if she had made better choices (as I had, for example) her life would have turned out better (as mine had, for example).

It eventually became necessary to excommunicate her husband, and in agony of spirit she asked me, her stake president, for a blessing to guide her as to what her duty
was under the circumstances. In that blessing I learned a few things that even now make me burn with shame for my earlier spiritual arrogance toward that sister. The
Lord told her that she was a valiant spirit in the premortal existence who had volunteered for hazardous duty on earth. Not for her was the safety of a secure marriage
to an equally valiant partner. Not for her was the relative ease of rearing naturally obedient children. . . . In the blessing she was told that the Lord loved her husband
and her children despite their rebellious spirits and that if they were to have any chance at all it would be because of her Christlike patience and long-suffering with
them. . . .

True to her promise, she is succeeding against all odds in her mission. To everyone's surprise, her rowdy eldest son straightened out his life and went on a mission. He
came back on fire with the Spirit and committed to the gospel. Her second son, who had often stated his intention of playing football instead of going on a mission, was
helped by his elder brother and has also completed a successful mission and is headed for a temple marriage. Her daughters are slower to turn around, but I begin to
see some softening there. Even her husband, the toughest of all, is beginning to mellow at the edges and to talk about putting his life in order (no action yet, but I am
prepared to believe in miracles in this family). (One Flesh, One Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1986], pp. 50-51.)

Part of what it means to take upon ourselves the name of Christ is to suffer as a result of the sins of others, especially those we love. Note the following description of
the "spirits of the just" given by President Joseph F. Smith: "And there were gathered together in one place an innumerable company of the spirits of the just, who had
been faithful in the testimony of Jesus while they lived in mortality; and who had offered sacrifice in the similitude of the great sacrifice of the Son of God, and had
suffered tribulation in their Redeemer's name" (D&C 138:12-13).

Elder Boyd K. Packer has taught us that the righteous lives of parents can even have redemptive power in the lives of their wayward children:

The measure of our success as parents . . . will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That judgement would be just only if we could raise our families in a
perfectly moral environment, and that now is not possible. . . .

"The Prophet Joseph Smith declaredand he never taught a more comforting doctrinethat the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is
upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to
come, they will return." (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110.) (In Conference Report, April 1992, p. 94.)

The most powerful dimension of the Atonement is also the least understood. While we can all appreciate the importance of following the example the Savior has set, it
is more difficult to comprehend the literal power of redemption and resurrection found in the Atonement. But we can be assured that through the atonement of Jesus
Christ, sin can be forgiven, the dead will be resurrected, and husbands and wives as well as parents and children can be reconciled to each other. To access the power
of the Atonement we must first reconcile ourselves to the will of God:

Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselvesto choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God,
that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.

Wherefore, may God raise you from death by the power of the resurrection, and also from everlasting death by the power of the atonement, that ye may be received
into the eternal kingdom of God, that ye may praise him through grace divine. Amen. (2 Ne. 10:23-25.)

_____

Daniel K Judd was born and reared in Kanab, Utah. After completing a mission in San Diego, California, he earned a bachelor's degree in zoology and chemistry from
Southern Utah State College. He also holds an M.S. in family science and a Ph.D. in counseling psychology from Brigham Young University. In addition to having been
aCopyright
  seminary and  institute instructor
            (c) 2005-2009,           in Arizona,
                              Infobase           Utah, and Michigan, he was also a professor of family science at Ricks' College in Rexburg, Idaho. He Page
                                         Media Corp.                                                                                                   has served
                                                                                                                                                               29as/ 85
                                                                                                                                                                     a
bishop and is now president of the Young Men in his home ward. He is presently an assistant professor of Ancient Scripture at BYU, where he also conducts research
studying the relationship of religion and mental health. He and his wife, Kaye Seegmiller, are the parents of four children and live in Orem, Utah.
_____

Daniel K Judd was born and reared in Kanab, Utah. After completing a mission in San Diego, California, he earned a bachelor's degree in zoology and chemistry from
Southern Utah State College. He also holds an M.S. in family science and a Ph.D. in counseling psychology from Brigham Young University. In addition to having been
a seminary and institute instructor in Arizona, Utah, and Michigan, he was also a professor of family science at Ricks' College in Rexburg, Idaho. He has served as a
bishop and is now president of the Young Men in his home ward. He is presently an assistant professor of Ancient Scripture at BYU, where he also conducts research
studying the relationship of religion and mental health. He and his wife, Kaye Seegmiller, are the parents of four children and live in Orem, Utah.

6 Cat's in the Cradle

K. Douglas Bassett

On a beautiful spring morning in 1974, my bride of only a few months announced to me that we were expecting our first child. Stunned and yet pleased with the news, I
slid into our car and headed for my job. The journey to work each day was a beautiful drive through the breathtaking mountains of Northern California near Shasta
Lake. The heady images of fatherhood drowned out the scenery surrounding me. However, my thoughts were interrupted by words coming from a song on the radio
that spoke directly to the emotions engulfing me at the moment. It was the first time I had ever heard this now well-known song. Titled "Cat's in the Cradle," it tells the
story of a man who couldn't spend time with his young son because "there were planes to catch and bills to pay." The son wanted to be just like his dad when he grew
up, and by the end of the song it is clear that he had indeed done so, for when he got older he was too busy to spend time with his father.

This song hit me with such an impact that I pulled over to the side of the road. Over and over I pondered the message behind the lyrics. I began to understand that the
next few decades of my life I could be acting out the theme of this song. My prayer to my Heavenly Father was that my children would grow up with a father who
cared about them and who expressed his love verbally as well as by spending time with them.

A Pakistani folktale with a similar message was retold by President Thomas S. Monson in a general conference address:

An ancient grandmother lived with her daughter and grandson. As she grew frail and feeble, instead of being a help around the house, she became a constant trial. She
broke plates and cups, lost knives, spilled water. One day, exasperated because the old woman had broken another precious plate, the daughter sent the grandson to
buy his grandmother a wooden plate. The boy hesitated because he knew a wooden plate would humiliate his grandmother. But his mother insisted, so off he went. He
returned bringing not one, but two wooden plates.

"I only asked you to buy one," his mother said. "Didn't you hear me?"

"Yes," said the boy. "But I bought the second one so there would be one for you when you get old." (In Conference Report, April 1993, p. 77.)

How we treat our children comes back to either haunt us or bless us in our advancing years. I have observed, too, that when adults are under stress, they usually act
just like their parents did during times of crisis. This is illustrated by a story about a young boy who was given a summer job of sitting on the back of a harvester. His
father had given him the responsibility of relaying to his older brothers, who were sitting on the front of the harvester, when the machine had broken down. Even though
this boy was young, he realized that the value of the job had nothing to do with the job description. It was just a way to keep him occupied and out of mischief during
harvest time. This task of sitting on the back of the harvester lasted for only a few summers, but an impression was branded on his mind that would remain with him
forever.

Of course, it was not uncommon for the machine to break down a few times during each harvest season. Obviously his brothers didn't need his help in telling them what
had happened. But that was not the part that bothered him the most. Each time the harvester broke down, within minutes his father would be racing in his pickup truck
from the house or the barn through the field to where his sons were working. In a rush he would jump out of the truck and stand in front of this youngest son. With
penetrating displeasure in his eyes he would grab his big western belt buckle with both hands; then his hands would travel to the brim of his hat. Bending it down in the
direction of the boy standing in front of him, he would blurt out, "What's the problem?" His words were delivered more like an accusation than a question.

Each time this happened, his young son felt rebuked for something which was clearly no one's fault. The harvester had just experienced a mechanical breakdown. It
was not necessary to place blame or put anyone in a position to feel cast down. Even though this happened only a few times over those two summers, the young boy
made a commitment to himself that when he became a man he would never do what his father had done to him.

Years later, this young man was ordained an elder and had the wonderful opportunity of serving a full-time mission for the Lord. He put his heart and soul into the
work, and as the months passed he was called to a leadership position. On one occasion he and his companion were scheduled to work with another team of
missionaries. They arrived at the elders' apartment at 7 a.m., and although the missionaries should have been awake and out of bed for a half hour, such was not the
case. To make matters worse, the temperature was below freezing. In the hope of waking up the missionaries without disturbing the landlady, this missionary tried
gently knocking on the front door. When this failed, he and his companion went to the side of the house and began tossing pebbles against the upstairs window of the
two sleepyheads. However, their efforts yielded only frozen fingers because they had to remove their warm gloves to pick up and throw the pebbles. Exasperated, this
former farm boy stomped to the front door and began pounding on it with his fist. A very irritated landlady came to the door. Without uttering a word, she pointed
upstairs to where the missionaries remained fast asleep.

The young man's long strides quickly carried him to the top of the stairs, and, without knocking, he grasped the doorknob and flung the door open with a determined
flip of his wrist. As the door quickly swung open, it met the wall with an abrupt thud. The two sleepy elders sat up in bed as if they had been instantly resurrected from
the dead, and through glazed eyes they stared at their leader. He stood before them, his eyes fired with anger. Instinctively he grabbed his belt buckle with both hands.
His hands then clasped the brim of his hat. Bending it down in the direction of the two guilty elders, he blurted out, "What's the problem?"

Suddenly, in an instant flashback, he was no longer a missionary but a young boy standing before his father, silently making a commitment to himself, I will never do that
when I become a man! His hands fell limp to his sides as he slowly fell against the wall. Here he had done the very thing he had said he would never do. It did not
matter whether the elders had deserved his rebuke. He had told himself he would never do it, and he had. Taking a deep breath, and silently recommitting himself that it
would not happen again, he changed his tone of voice and they proceeded with the day's labors.

Sometimes it takes a conscious effort on the part of children to change patterns of behavior or thinking instilled in them by parents who did not model Christlike
behavior. We can avoid this "Cat's in the Cradle" syndrome by understanding the effect of our behavior on our children, and by building strong relationships with them
when they are young and then maintaining those relationships over the years. President Spencer W. Kimball, in a conference in the British Isles, reminded the Saints:
"Most people are largely the result of their home environment, good or bad. As Lehi said, on the brink of the grave, to his children, ï¿½I know that if ye are brought up
in the way ye should go, ye will not depart from it' (2 Ne. 4:5). Our conclusions must therefore be taking life at its best and life at its worst; the difference seems to be
the catalyst of love and family solidarity." (British Area Conference Report, August 1971, p. 82.)

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As my life has given way to time and study, I have come to understand that the concept of "What goes around from parents, comes around from children" was not
"Most people are largely the result of their home environment, good or bad. As Lehi said, on the brink of the grave, to his children, ï¿½I know that if ye are brought up
in the way ye should go, ye will not depart from it' (2 Ne. 4:5). Our conclusions must therefore be taking life at its best and life at its worst; the difference seems to be
the catalyst of love and family solidarity." (British Area Conference Report, August 1971, p. 82.)

Cat's in the Cradle and the Book of Mormon

As my life has given way to time and study, I have come to understand that the concept of "What goes around from parents, comes around from children" was not
introduced by Harry Chapin and his thought-provoking song. The Book of Mormon has a number of illustrations of how a parent's actions influence their children.
Nephi's first one-on-one experience with the Lord, for example, was tied directly to his father's influence: "I, Nephi, . . . having great desires to know of the mysteries
of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father" (1
Ne. 2:16). Among the mysteries that Nephi was seeking to know was the truth of the things his father had seen in a vision, described in 1 Ne. 1:6-14. Nephi would not
have been as receptive to the Spirit if Lehi had not taught his son. Parents in Zion are admonished to instruct their children in such a way that the Spirit can confirm the
truth of their teachings (see 1 Ne. 1:1; Mosiah 1:2).

Following Lehi's recounting of the tree of life dream to his family, Nephi sought to obtain the same manifestation. In a personal visit with the Spirit of the Lord, Nephi
declared, "I desire to behold the things which my father saw" (1 Ne. 11:3). If our children prayed to behold the things we have experienced spiritually, and if our
spiritual experiences were duplicated for them, would they be brought to Christ and receive a stronger testimony?

The Spirit then asked Nephi, "Believest thou that thy father saw the tree?" (Verse 4.) Nephi replied, "Yea, thou knowest that I believe all the words of my father" (verse
5). Could a son give a greater tribute to his father? The Spirit of the Lord rejoiced in "a loud voice, saying: Hosanna to the Lord" (verse 6). He was overjoyed that this
father taught his son in such a way that a boy could believe his father's witness.

Each of us must obtain a testimony by a sincere personal striving for the truth, but as students of the Book of Mormon we must also recognize that Nephi's journey for
truth was based on a father who led the way. Unlike the father in "Cat's in the Cradle," we must do our best to ensure a positive outcome in our relationships with our
children even as Lehi did with his young son Nephi.

Enos reported his own experience with his father: "I, Enos, knowing my father that he was a just manfor he taught me . . . in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord" (Enos 1:1). Enos went on to relate his "wrestle" in obtaining "a remission of [his] sins" (Enos 1:2). The experience of praying all day and into the night before
receiving this remission was preceded by a session of very deep pondering. "The words which I had often heard my father speak . . . sunk deep into my heart" (Enos
1:3). Obviously the Savior removed the sin, but consider the role of Jacob in this process. Jacob could not give his son a "sacred grove" experience, but it was his
responsibility to show him the pathway there. It would have been very difficult for Jacob to show his son the path had he not been there himself.

Recall the experience of Alma the Younger, who for three long days was "racked with torment . . . [and] harrowed up by the memory of [his] many sins." During this
time of suffering, Alma's mind turned to the words of his father: "I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy . . . concerning the coming of one Jesus
Christ." (Alma 36:17.) Upon crying out to the Lord, he stated, "I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no
more" (verse 19). Like Enos, his father was instrumental in his spiritual growth. The Savior removed Alma's pain and stain of sin, but the words of the elder Alma led
his son to the blessings of Gethsemane. The spiritual example and instruction by many Book of Mormon fathers illuminated the strait and narrow path for many of their
sons who became powerful servants of the Lord and thus models for us (see Hel. 5:5-6).

Another powerful example found in this ancient text is exemplified by the Lamanite converts of the sons of Mosiah who took on the name of Anti-Nephi-Lehies. Two
thousand of their sons became "stripling warriors" on the side of the Nephites. These youthful patriots were untested in battle, yet they exhibited no fear at the prospect
of death. The reason: "They had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them" (Alma 56:47). What was it that they were not to
doubt? That their mothers were telling the truth? That the gospel was true? Not to doubt Helaman, their military leader, and to obey with exactness? (See Alma 57:21.)
Not to doubt the oath they had taken to defend the freedom of their fathers and the Nephites? (See Alma 53:17; 56:47.) Yes, perhaps the answer encompasses all of
thesebut there is more.

Recall that at an earlier time their parents were part of the Anti-Nephi-Lehies, many of whom were slaughtered by the Lamanites because they would not take up arms
to defend themselves (see Alma 24:13-22). The king of the Anti-Nephi-Lehies asked Ammon to "inquire of the Lord" as to what they should do (Alma 27:10). The
Lord responded to his inquiry by giving a blessing of protection to the parents of these stripling warriors: "Blessed are this people in this generation, for I will preserve
them" (Alma 27:12). In this context, preserve meant to deliver or to protect. The text records no more slaughter among these newly converted Lamanites. Years later,
a similar promise of preservation was given to the stripling warriors by their mothers, who promised that "God would deliver them" (Alma 56:48). When these young
men went to battle for the first time, it was not hard for them to believe that the Lord would deliver them in battle, because the concept of the Lord's preservation had
been known in their families long before they fought on the side of the Nephites. This spiritual "Cat's in the Cradle" lesson does not end here. Ammon, who had
received the revelation giving the Anti-Nephi-Lehies their blessing of preservation, had received a blessing of protection from the Lord himself, years earlier, when he
and the other sons of Mosiah pleaded with their father to allow them to preach the gospel to the Lamanites. Mosiah inquired of the Lord, who spoke these words to
him: "I will deliver thy sons out of the hands of the Lamanites" (Mosiah 28:7). The sons of Mosiah had received a blessing that was similar to the one given later to their
future converts, the Anti-Nephi-Lehies. And now a promise of protection was likewise made to the two thousands sons of these loyal converts! The faith of these
youthful men mirrored the faith of their parents and the missionaries who taught them, becoming a positive "Cat's in the Cradle" lesson. Surely the promises of the Lord
are extended from generation to generation when his children are faithful in keeping their covenants.

Gospel Parenting Cannot be Delegated

The responsibility of parents to help children find the path to spiritual victory is adequately detailed by Latter-day prophets, as it is in ancient scripture. As parents we
cannot delegate the responsibility to teach our children. Certainly our children will have other teachers in the Church and in their lives, but the primary responsibility for
teaching them gospel principles rests on our parental shoulders. The Lord places the responsibility for helping them "come unto Christ" directly on us. Consider the
words of President Harold B. Lee:

Sometimes as I go throughout the Church, I think I am seeing a man who is using his church work as a kind of escape from family responsibility. And sometimes when
we've talked about whether or not he's giving attention to his family, his children and his wife, he says something like this: "Well, I'm so busy taking care of the Lord's
work that I really don't have time." And I say to him, "My dear brother, the greatest of the Lord's work that you and I will ever do is the work that we do within the
walls of our own home." Now don't you get any misconception about where the Lord's work starts. That's the most important of all the Lord's work. And you wives
may have to remind your husbands of that occasionally. (Address to seminary and institute personnel at Brigham Young University Summer School, BYU, 8 July
1966.)

In a final blessing Lehi told the children of Laman that if they were cursed, "I leave my blessing upon you, that the cursing may be taken from you and be answered
upon the heads of your parents" (2 Ne. 4:6). If our offspring have not been taught the gospel, the Lord cautions, "the sin be upon the heads of the parents" (D&C
68:25). President Spencer W. Kimball instructed the Saints in a conference in Japan, "We the parents cannot escape the responsibility that is ours of training our
children"
 Copyright (in(c)
                Japan  Area Conference
                  2005-2009,      InfobaseReport,
                                            Media August
                                                    Corp. 1975, p. 38). This responsibility was emphasized by President David O. McKay: "These are parents    Page who31say:
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ï¿½We will let our children grow to manhood and womanhood and choose for themselves.' In taking this attitude, parents fail in the discharging of a parental
responsibility. . . . It is the responsibility of parents to teach religion to their children." (Treasures of Life [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1962], pp. 74, 75.)
In a final blessing Lehi told the children of Laman that if they were cursed, "I leave my blessing upon you, that the cursing may be taken from you and be answered
upon the heads of your parents" (2 Ne. 4:6). If our offspring have not been taught the gospel, the Lord cautions, "the sin be upon the heads of the parents" (D&C
68:25). President Spencer W. Kimball instructed the Saints in a conference in Japan, "We the parents cannot escape the responsibility that is ours of training our
children" (in Japan Area Conference Report, August 1975, p. 38). This responsibility was emphasized by President David O. McKay: "These are parents who say:
ï¿½We will let our children grow to manhood and womanhood and choose for themselves.' In taking this attitude, parents fail in the discharging of a parental
responsibility. . . . It is the responsibility of parents to teach religion to their children." (Treasures of Life [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1962], pp. 74, 75.)

The Savior quoted Malachi to the Nephites: "Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord; and he shall turn
the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse" (3 Ne. 25:5-6; see also Mal. 4:5-6).
Many Saints think that this refers only to departed relatives. But President Harold B. Lee gave this interpretation:

Now keep in mind this: that when the full measure of Elijah's mission is understood, that the hearts of the children will be turned to the fathers, and the fathers to the
children. It applies just as much on this side of the veil as it does on the other side of the veil. If we neglect our families here in having family home night and we fail in
our responsibility here, how could we feel that we are doing our full duty in turning the hearts of our children to their fathers. . . .

. . . So, the hearts of you fathers and mothers must be turned to your children right now, if you have the true spirit of Elijah, and not think that it applies merely to those
who are beyond the veil. Let your hearts be turned to your children, and teach your children; but you must do it when they are young enough to be properly schooled.
If you are neglecting your family home evening, you are neglecting the beginning of the mission of Elijah just as certainly as if you were neglecting your genealogy
research work. (Priesthood genealogy seminar, 1973; quoted in Leaun G. Otten and C. Max Caldwell, Sacred Truths of the D&C 2 vols. [Salt Lake City: Deseret
Book Co., 1982], 1:16.)

The Blessings of Teaching Children While They Are Young

Sometimes parents neglect the teaching of the gospel to their children because they feel that their children are too young to understand or that they just don't need it until
they are older. Spiritually speaking, this philosophy can be fatal to a child. Prior to the age of accountability, the Lord says, "power is not given unto Satan to tempt little
children" (D&C 29:47). Therefore, it is imperative that instruction in gospel principles begins at an early age, before the adversary can influence our children. In a
general conference address Elder Merlin R. Lybbert of the Seventy explained the importance of teaching our children at very early ages:

This teaching is to be done before a child reaches the age of accountability and while innocent and sin-free. This is protected time for parents to teach the principles and
ordinances of salvation to their children without interference from Satan. It is a time to dress them in armor in preparation for the battle against sin. When this
preparation time is neglected, they are left vulnerable to the enemy. To permit a child to enter into that period of his life when he will be buffeted and tempted by the evil
one, without faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and an understanding of the basic principles of the gospel, is to set him adrift in a world of wickedness.

During these formative, innocent years, a child may learn wrong behavior; but such is not the result of Satan's temptations, but comes from the wrong teachings and the
bad example of others. In this context, the Savior's harsh judgment of adults who offend children is better understood, wherein he said, "It were better for him that a
millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones" (Luke 17:2).

We offend a child by any teaching or example that leads a little one to violate a moral law, causes him to stumble or go astray, excites him to anger, creates resentment;
or perhaps even leads him to become displeasing and disagreeable. (In Conference Report, April 1994, p. 41.)

President J. Reuben Clark Jr., a former member of the First Presidency, reminded Church educators that children have a much greater capacity for spiritual instruction
than they are oftentimes given credit:

Our youth are not children spiritually; they are well on towards the normal spiritual maturity. . . . You do not need to disguise religious truths with a cloak of worldly
things; you can bring these truths to him openly, in their natural guise. . . . There is no need for gradual approaches, . . . for coddling, for patronizing, or for any of the
other childish devices used in efforts to reach those [who are] spiritually inexperienced. ("The Charted Course of the Church in Education," as quoted in Boyd K.
Packer, Teach Ye Diligently [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1975], p. 317.)

President Gordon B. Hinckley explained the consequences of not teaching children in their youth:

Not long after we were married, we built our first home. . . . The first of many trees that I planted was a thornless honey locust. . . . It was so supple that Icould bend it
with ease in any direction. I paid little attention to it as the years passed.

Then one winter day, . . . I chanced to look out the window at it. I noticed that it was leaning to the west, misshapen and out of balance. . . . Iwent out and braced
myself against it as if to push it upright. But the trunk was now nearly a foot in diameter. . . . It seemed to say, "You can't straighten me. It's too late. I've grown this way
because of your neglect, and I will not bend."

Finally in desperation I took my saw and cut off the great heavy branch on the west side. The saw left an ugly scar, more than eight inches across. . . . I had cut off the
major part of the tree, leaving one branch growing skyward.

More than half a century has passed since I planted that tree. . . . The other day I looked again at the tree. It is large. Its shape is better. . . . But how serious was the
trauma of its youth and how brutal the treatment I used to straighten it. . . .

When it was first planted, a piece of string would have held it in place against the forces of the wind. . . .

I have seen a similar thing, many times, in children whose lives I have observed. The parents who brought them into the world seem almost to have abdicated their
responsibility. The results have been tragic. A few simple anchors would have given them the strength to withstand the forces that have shaped their lives. Now it
appears it is too late. (In ConferenceReport, October 1993, p. 78.)

Children Who Go Astray

What of parents who have been obedient to the commandments and who have taught their children to do the samethose who have done everything in their power, and
after all their efforts, their children have not responded to their teachings? It is to these parents that Elder Boyd K. Packer has spoken, quoting, in part, Elder Orson F.
Whitney and President Brigham Young:

"The Prophet Joseph Smith declaredand he never taught a more comforting doctrinethat the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service
 Copyright  (c) in the Cause of
                2005-2009,      Truth, would
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upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to
come, they will return." (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110.)
Whitney and President Brigham Young:

"The Prophet Joseph Smith declaredand he never taught a more comforting doctrinethat the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is
upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to
come, they will return." (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110.)

. . . When parents keep the covenants they have made at the altar of the temple, their children will be forever bound to them. President Brigham Young said:

"Let the father and mother, who are members of this Church and Kingdom, take a righteous course, and strive with all their might never to do a wrong, but to do good
all their lives; if they have one child or one hundred children . . . , they are bound up to their parents by an everlasting tie, and no power of earth or hell can separate
them from their parents in eternity; they will return again to the fountain from whence they sprang" (Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [Salt Lake City:
Deseret Book Co., 1941], p. 208.) (In Conference Report, April 1992, pp. 94-95.)

Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone of the Seventy referred to this concept when he encouraged married couples to serve full-time missions:

There is a neednot to leave homes forever, but for a timethen return and reap the rich harvest of the faithful labor. Your children and grandchildren will be blessed. . . .

President Harold B. Lee taught the principle that only as we make ourselves totally available are we worthy disciples of Christ and obtain another promise that reaches
beyond us. We worry and ache and pain over family members who have erred. The thirty-first section of the Doctrine and Covenants provides a great key in verse five:

"Therefore, thrust in your sickle with all your soul, and your sins are forgiven you, and you shall be laden with sheaves upon your back, for the la-borer is worthy of his
hire. Wherefore, your family shall live." . . .

. . . The promise is sure: "Wherefore, your family shall live." Blessings will come to our wayward or wandering children, even those who are married and have children
of their own. . . .

What better way have we to prepare to meet our God than to serve a mission when the autumn and winter of life is upon us? (In Conference Report, April 1992, pp.
61, 63, 64; emphasis added.)

These are powerful promises, and notice that President Packer and Elder Featherstone quote other prophets throughout their appeal to parents to stay focused on the
promises of the Lord concerning wayward children.

Conclusion

The story is told of the great leader Mahatma Gandhi, who was approached by a woman who had been told by her doctor that her son should not eat sugar. "I am
deeply concerned about his health," she said. "He looks up to you. If you would suggest to him to stop eating sugar, I'm confident that he would follow your advice."
After pondering her request, Gandhi determined that he would attempt to help her son. He asked her to bring her son to him no sooner than two weeks. A few weeks
later the mother returned with her child, and Gandhi visited privately with the son. The boy agreed to follow the words of his leader. The mother, overwhelmed by her
son's decision, inquired of Gandhi why he had insisted on the two-week delay. He replied, "I needed to go two weeks without eating sugar myself." (See Al Gore,
Earth in the Balance [New York: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1992], p. 14.)

As parents we must ever set the example. Good parental instruction together with a bad parental example are not compatible if the goal is to raise righteous children.
The "Cat's in the Cradle" concept can be summarized by these words of unknown origin:

A careful man I want to be;

A little fellow follows me.

I do not dare to fall astray,

For fear he'll go the self-same way.

Parents have the charge to live the gospel honestly, sincerely, and openly, and to teach their children to follow their example. No matter what other talents we possess
as parents, we are, most importantly, their teachers. That task cannot be delegated to others. Our children not only are ours but are the children of the God of Heaven,
and his "work and [his] glory [is] to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life" of his children (Moses 1:39). And as Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the
Twelve has explained, "Our Heavenly Father has no distracting hobbieswe are his work" (fireside, Missionary Training Center, Provo, Utah, 26 May 1987). As
parents, our assignment is to go forth with "no distracting hobbies" until our family is secured and exalted in the celestial kingdom.

_____

K. Douglas Bassett was born in Gridley, California, and lived in that area until serving a full-time mission to England. He received a B.S. degree in psychology and a
master's degree in youth leadership from Brigham Young University, and a Ph.D. in education from the University of New Mexico. He has been in the Church
Educational System since 1979 and has taught Book of Mormon classes part-time at BYU for five years. He married Arlene Chapman in 1974. They are the parents
of seven children.

7 Parents: Preserve Your Children's Future

Terrance D. Olson

Parenting in a culture that embraces so many destructive attitudes and behaviors is becoming an ever greater challenge for modern fathers and mothers. Parents who
grew up in a different age and time wonder what they can do to help their children live in ways that will preserve, rather than destroy, their future happiness. Principles
such as freedom of conscience and freedom of worship nestled in a democratic form of government can be blessings only insofar as the beneficiaries of these principles
honor the moral foundations that produced them. These underpinnings are, of course, Christ-centered ideals, such as "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matt. 19:19) and
"Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them" (Matt. 7:12).

Our children are often attracted to philosophies that seem legitimate but actually are not in their best interests and, in the final analysis, limit their opportunities. In this
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chapter I present a view of how we as a nation, as a people, arrived where we are in our cultural stance and what practical steps parents can take to help           their33  / 85
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preserve a tomorrow that will be in their own and their children's best interests.
honor the moral foundations that produced them. These underpinnings are, of course, Christ-centered ideals, such as "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matt. 19:19) and
"Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them" (Matt. 7:12).

Our children are often attracted to philosophies that seem legitimate but actually are not in their best interests and, in the final analysis, limit their opportunities. In this
chapter I present a view of how we as a nation, as a people, arrived where we are in our cultural stance and what practical steps parents can take to help their children
preserve a tomorrow that will be in their own and their children's best interests.

It has been common for the older generation to complain about the up-and-coming generation. Skeptics have rebutted this attitude in at least two ways. One response
has been to point out that such criticism has been consistent over the generations and is not new; it has always been so. That is, every past generation is sure that the
changes they see in the current one are evidence that decadence is certain and destruction lies just ahead! The skeptics' concerns seem to be justified because
civilization has not ended, leading to the observation that those past mid-life have difficulty imagining a world different from or as worthwhile as what they experienced
growing up. The other response to generation-bashing is labeled just plain nostalgia, a longing for the "good ol' days," which turns out to be nothing more than
sentimentalism.

Some would use a supposed teacher survey that has been circulating (and which no one has successfully documented) to illustrate how things are getting worse.
Reportedly, in 1940 teachers were asked to identify the most pressing problems in their tutelage of the young. Having students who talked out of turn, chewed gum,
made noise, ran in halls, cut in line, committed dress code infractions, and littered were common responses. Teachers in the 1990 survey, so the story goes, identified
drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery, and assault as the most prevalent school problems. Even skeptics of this survey might admit that something
has happened in our culture over the years to make it no longer family-friendly.

Parents have a vested interest in cultural changes, for it is their children who live and grow up in the changed schools and neighborhoods. Understanding how we got to
this point may help us make decisions about how to handle current problems. William J. Bennett, former secretary of education and author of The Book of Virtues,
suggests that "many of the most serious social and behavior problems we now face (particularly among our young) are remarkably resistant to government cures" (The
Index of Leading Cultural Indicators [Washing-ton, D.C.: The Heritage Foundation, 1993], p. i). This may say more about how government operates than about how
hard these problems are to solve, yet it also describes a reality that parents face in forming a community conducive to their children's progress.

Bennett also produced, under the auspices of the Heritage Foundation, what he termed "The Index of Leading Cultural Indicators." Patterned after the "Index of
Leading Economic Indicators" used by the government, Bennett combined arithmetic summaries with commentary on the changes that have occurred in our culture.
Data from the last three decades are presented regarding crime, prison sentences, juvenile violence, child poverty, infant mortality, teenage pregnancy, birth and
abortion rates, child abuse, teen suicide, marriage and divorce rates, single-parent families, and so on. Bennett's graphs reveal an increase in most of the categories. For
example, adolescent violent crime and pregnancy are up.

Bennett's "cultural indicators" are expressions of changes in societal beliefs and mores. The question might be framed, "What are some of those changes?" Bennett's
own starting point of interpretation of his cultural factors includes social scientist James Q. Wilson's observation that "people, especially young people, have embraced
an ethos that values self-expression over self-control." According to Bennett, pollster Daniel Yankelovich notes that our society attends less now to what our moral
obligations are to others; places less value on sacrifice as a moral good; and has less belief in social conformity, respectability, and obedience to societal rules. Physical
pleasure is touted as a personal right, and freedom in such matters as drug use and sexual involvement is advocated. (Ibid., p. ii.)

These indicators suggest a philosophy of individualism that takes precedence over concern for, and relationships with, others. It is a philosophy of hedonism, of making
pleasure the fundamental goal or good. Personal preferences and choices are considered more fundamental, and independent of, commonalities of moral conduct or
obligations to others. As Richard Weaver reminds us, ideas do have consequences (see Ideas Have Consequences [Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1948]), and
the dramatic changes in the cohesiveness of society seem directly related to changes in ideas, whether unintended or deliberate.

Even when discounting both nostalgia and suspicion of natural, inevitable changes in the coming generation, however, today's parental concerns about where society is
going and what the quality of life will be like for their children are valid. How can parents produce good families in a culture that is moving in directions which are
opposed to or undermine the well-being of families? Is it possible to find starting points to reclaim the best of a culture and create a future that incorporates the best of
the past?

Becoming Victims

Parents might begin by examining what beliefs and values contribute to the very problems they wish to avoid. For example, our culture seems to justify an attitude of
victimhood, a way of explaining human action by shifting responsibility for behavior from the individual to the situation, culture, or circumstance. Even the courts
occasionally seem to approve of the idea that perpetrators of crimes are themselves victims too and therefore are not responsible for their actions. Such explanations
can arm youth with a rationale for being irresponsible.

Authority

Another belief under attack is that of legitimate authority. To be in charge, to expect standards, to direct the lives of others, especially children, currently are not popular
ideas. Many attribute this to a cultural shift in the '60s, when disclosures of hypocrisy and deceit in high levels of government leadership led many people to lose faith in
what they were told and often to give up on the legitimacy of any authority, including parental authority. This atmosphere of disgust with authority and of hopelessness
regarding trust of others is an ironic reminder that people long for integrity in leadership and example while at the same time they have become suspicious of many in
authority just because they are "in charge."

Latter-day Saints are no strangers to the concept of unrighteous dominion, and the Lord reminded us of the Book of Mormon principle that "when the wicked rule the
people mourn" (D&C 98:9). Yet we do not abandon hope that there can be legitimate, righteous authority among men. The arm of flesh is not to be trusted in spiritual
things, but we are counseled that "honest men and wise men should be sought for diligently, and good men and wise men ye should observe to uphold; otherwise
whatsoever is less than these cometh of evil" (D&C 98:10). Men and women of integrity and good will can preserve the nation.

Unfortunately, the disparagement of all authority, without regard to the ethical or moral decency or example of many leaders, is often a convenient rationalization for
every individual to become a law unto him- or herself. Individualismthe idea that my decisions, choices, values, and feelings are my business onlyis a notion logically
linked with philosophies of victimhood and of discarding legitimate authority. If I must protect myself or react against those forces that have victimized me (and this
includes denying the moral force of authorities such as parents), then the understandable, necessary, defensible thing to do is to look out for number one. Is not self-
preservation a worthy and logical goal? But when this preservation requires cutting or ignoring connections with all humans on our own self-dictated terms, we must
allow or even expect others to use the same approach; hence, suspicion of others and their motives follows. Unfortunately, mistrust, being personally harsh and
demanding of others, cynicism, and self-centeredness then become the hallmarks of our relationships. Life is reduced to those qualities noted by Thomas Hobbes in the
seventeenth century: poor, solitary, nasty, brutish, and short.

Moral Relativism
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Another issue parents face is the shift in moral and ethical foundations adopted and promoted by many members of the culture. In an effort to honor diversity, or
perhaps in the name of tolerance, specific standards, values, and beliefs are sometimes either suspended or thought impossible to impose on everyone, especially in a
allow or even expect others to use the same approach; hence, suspicion of others and their motives follows. Unfortunately, mistrust, being personally harsh and
demanding of others, cynicism, and self-centeredness then become the hallmarks of our relationships. Life is reduced to those qualities noted by Thomas Hobbes in the
seventeenth century: poor, solitary, nasty, brutish, and short.

Moral Relativism in the Culture (Being "Value-Free")

Another issue parents face is the shift in moral and ethical foundations adopted and promoted by many members of the culture. In an effort to honor diversity, or
perhaps in the name of tolerance, specific standards, values, and beliefs are sometimes either suspended or thought impossible to impose on everyone, especially in a
public setting such as the schools. It is thought by many that we must become more objective, even "value-free" in the way we approach certain topics, and that we
must not be so bound up in cultural beliefs that we harm people of other cultures. One illustration of this position is the idea that I can hold personal beliefs privately but
I cannot impose them on others; thus, I must tolerate beliefs different from my own. I once thought that such a position was moral relativismwhere, a priori, every value
must be granted equal moral stature. This idea of granting diversity in values looks to be tolerant and untroubling except in at least two ways. First, even this position is
not value-free because it makes tolerance the sole and fundamental virtue. Those who wish to make a case against sexual relations between unmarried adolescents, for
example, can be accused of being intolerant and of imposing their "antiquated" values on a modern, diverse world.

Once upon a time, public argument against premarital sex and other behaviors that are destructive of the individual and thus of the public good was considered a means
of preserving society's values. In our times such arguments have been labeled intolerant. It was this issue that prompted Elder Boyd K. Packer to explain:

The word tolerance is also invoked as though it overrules everything else. Tolerance may be a virtue, but it is not the commanding one. There is a difference between
what one is and what one does. What one is may deserve unlimited tolerance; what one does, only a measured amount. A virtue when pressed to the extreme may turn
into a vice. Unreasonable devotion to an ideal, without considering the practical application of it, ruins the ideal itself. (In Conference Report, October 1993, p. 108;
emphasis in original.)

Tolerance is a quality worthy of subscribing to, but when it is the solitary criterion for assessing the defensibility of a moral position, all other moral criteria are made
illegitimate. Thus, the new public morality has become an intolerant absolutism which insists that all values be granted an equal place, without debate as to the value of
granting the legitimacy of diverse positions. If the real reason for granting tolerance were to honor other cultures, the mores of those cultures ought to be examined and
be central to the discussion. What is in the best interests of those cultures would become part of the public arguments, and decisions that honor the best of what we
have in common across cultures and that can build a cohesive community could be identified and acted upon. Such behavior would be an example of tolerance but
would be ethically grounded in criteria that attend to the best interests of individuals and cultures. To illustrate, the majority of parents in the United States do not believe
that adolescent sexual activity is a good thing. But precisely because some adolescents or some parents, from whatever culture, might argue in favor of sexual access,
public schools end up, in the name of tolerance, teaching youth that they must make their own decisions freely about such things once they have "the facts." If that is the
direction the new public philosophy requires of us, we would be better off to tolerate silence on the matter.

Once a culture decides that no values are more valuable than any others and that no criteria exist for judging values, moral anarchy results. The philosophical seeds of
immorality have been sown.

To focus on the negatives or on philosophies that might help contribute to the decline in culture is not to say that everyone believes in destructive philosophies or that all
is lost. To acknowledge a brown patch in the lawn is not to give up on the green beauty of the rest of the grass, nor does it mean that we should despair. In fact,
parents can do something according to their own beliefs and according to their understanding of what discolored the grass. What is destructive rather than helpful,
however, is to consider the brown grass just a new way of landscaping that we must tolerate because it is not inferior to green sod.

Parental Influences

Parents must teach their children with examples from their own lives and experiences. These are starting points of action that will help preserve and prepare the next
generation to survive the onslaught against values. Specifically, I am proposing that parents be examples in word and deed of how it is possible, beneficial, and correct
to (1) believe in humanity's ability to act on the environment and behave responsibly, rather than simply seeing ourselves as psychological victims of circumstance; (2)
honor the idea that authority and leadership are legitimate when carried out with personal integrity, morality, and a concern for others; (3) promote the idea that
individuals have an inescapable moral obligation to others rather than the belief that the only criteria of action are personal, private choices based on pleasure; and (4)
demonstrate that the heart of human experience is based on compassion and moral judgments about what is best for individuals, families, and the larger community,
rather than discarding all criteria for judgment.

The Power of Belief and Example

How can parents who agree with what I have proposed act on the proposals? They can begin by being examples of their beliefs in an environment of love and patience.
Example is still the best teacher. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by "shoving it down their throats." Compulsion begets resistance; dictatorial
action is the mother of rebellion. Thus, parental example is the most effective and fundamental way to invite and entice children to do good. This is true even when
support for complementary parental teaching is missing from public schools, television, or popular music. Though the philosophy of individualism in public culture seems
to undermine the legitimacy of parental authority in family relationships, obedience to correct principles can be learned.

Interestingly, suspicion of authority, which may have contributed to our cultural disintegration, can be beneficial in one backhanded way. Authoritarian parentsthose who
have tried to rule by forcewill find it much more difficult to extract compliance from their children!

Forgiveness Repentance Imperfection Guilt and Example

Two areas foreign to our present cultural framework are the concepts of forgiveness and repentancetwin avenues to rebuilding relationships that have gone awry. To
acknowledge one's ability to change and to communicate humbly the need to start anew are examples of acting on the environment and living responsibly. Parents who
are aware of these remedies have an optimistic starting point to prepare and preserve their children whatever the past or external environment may be, and regardless
of the child's age.

By offering everyday and even personal examples, parents can point out and discuss the roots of society's troubles. Elementary-age children can be taught the
difference between selfishness and an interest and concern for others. When a family does, in fact, engage in being helpful to others, the demonstration becomes an
even more powerful expression of the principles.

Parental forthrightness about the meaning of certain behaviors and how they square with beliefs and values is the issue. Where quarreling has been a pattern between
siblings, for example, it can be made illegitimate by asking, "Darrin, how would you feel if I were to yell at you as you are yelling at Cherie?" Parents with a flair for the
dramatic might even demonstrate, in caricature form, what quarreling looks like when the child is an observer instead of a participant.

Parental examples
 Copyright          include acknowledging
            (c) 2005-2009,   Infobase Media when their own examples have been poor ones: "Chuck, I just yelled at you to quit yelling. I'm sorry." Or, "I've
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impatient with you all day instead of doing what I should have done to solve the problem. Can we start over?" Parental perfection and guilt is not the issue hereand
complaining or worrying about such matters is a waste of time. Parental defining, explaining, demonstrating, and repenting are all features of example that invite the child
to see the world through the parents' eyes. When that actually happens, children evaluate competing philosophies by drawing on their own experience with parents.
Parental forthrightness about the meaning of certain behaviors and how they square with beliefs and values is the issue. Where quarreling has been a pattern between
siblings, for example, it can be made illegitimate by asking, "Darrin, how would you feel if I were to yell at you as you are yelling at Cherie?" Parents with a flair for the
dramatic might even demonstrate, in caricature form, what quarreling looks like when the child is an observer instead of a participant.

Parental examples include acknowledging when their own examples have been poor ones: "Chuck, I just yelled at you to quit yelling. I'm sorry." Or, "I've been
impatient with you all day instead of doing what I should have done to solve the problem. Can we start over?" Parental perfection and guilt is not the issue hereand
complaining or worrying about such matters is a waste of time. Parental defining, explaining, demonstrating, and repenting are all features of example that invite the child
to see the world through the parents' eyes. When that actually happens, children evaluate competing philosophies by drawing on their own experience with parents.
Many middle and high school students, for example, question authority as well as injustice. They often are quick to note hypocrisy or phoniness. On the other hand,
they can be seduced by the world's philosophies if parents do not provide an alternative to those seductions through a better example. In cases where parental behavior
and example have been poor, I know of no solution to restoring relationships without repentance and forgiveness.

When I propose example as a powerful starting point of influence with children, some will discount such counsel as unrealistic. I am reminded by them that nobody is
perfect, especially not themselves, and they are not going to feel guilty about their children going astray. Such parents are bad examples, but not for the reasons they
think. Their attitude reveals at least two of the philosophies I am attempting to dismantle here. First, they see themselves as victims of "imperfection," which is a "perfect"
rationalization for not giving their best. Second, a common behavior of parents who are frustrated with their children is to feel guilty and moan about their guilt. I have
found that sorrow for the waywardness of children is a compassionate response; personal guilt is a self-centered one. Whether parents have done their best in the past
or not may be debatable, but to focus on that issue competes with what can be done now in the present moment. Either we use the present moment to give our best, or
we will use the present moment to despair over what we have been unable or unwilling to do in the past. The first response places a love for our children at the center;
the second response places ourselves in the center, and becomes a rationalization in the present moment for not doing what needs to be done now. Again, repentance
and forgiveness must be taken seriously if parent-child problems are to be solved and if influence across generations is to be a blessing.

One of the reasons I feel strongly that it is never too late for parents or children to repent and forgive each other is because of an experience I had with a student years
ago. Jerry came to Brigham Young University with service in Vietnam behind him. His mother had died when he was seven. In his youth he had run away from a father
he thought harsh and demanding. Ironically, his idea of how to escape from his father's authoritarian approach had been to join the Marines. Now at the university, he
carried baggage from the past which made his present a very wearisome and troubled time. He was nervous around women. He was sensitive against authority, in part,
as he described it, because of the "unrighteous dominion" of his father, which was repeated among military leaders in Vietnam. He could not concentrate on his studies,
and he found himself in emotional wars with everyone from his home teaching supervisor to his chemistry teacher.

He came to my office to complain of the sins of others against him. I listened too long. My suggestion sounded ridiculous to him: "Jerry, your troubles will disappear
when you forgive your father." He did not see the relationship between his current miseries and his attitude toward his father. Moreover, he challenged me, almost
triumphantly: "How am I supposed to do that, Brother Olson? My father died while I was in Vietnam." I responded that I thought any work we did on our own hard-
heartedness would have an effect across the veil. He went from incredulous to furious: "My hard-heartedness? Haven't you been listening to what I have been saying?
Whose side are you on?" I wish now I had said, as Abraham Lincoln once did, "The Lord's side," but I was not that adept or swift of word. I did say, "You are
behaving as if there were a chain shackled to your foot, the other end of which is wrapped around your father's headstone somewhere in California. You are one of the
few people I have met whose life is being controlled from beyond the grave. As long as you can blame your distress on your father, you don't have to take any
responsibility in the present moment." Then, in what I would later view for a time to be an exercise in bad taste, I added, "Wouldn't it be easier for you to just wear a
sign around your neck with the printed message ï¿½It is all my father's fault'?"

He stood up to storm out of the room, first pausing to say, "I thought you might be of some help." I said, "I believe you can help yourself. You can't decide what others
are going to do, but you can decide what you are going to do. Explore the idea of forgiving your father." He didn't leave, he fled.

He returned three months later, wearing a different countenance. Before he could say anything, I asked him what had happened. He said that two nights before, he had
found himself on his knees, which surprised him, given how he had been feeling. It came into his mind to say, Heavenly Father, is there a way to have someone visit my
father in the spirit world and see if he is willing to forgive me for the attitude I've held against him? He felt the warmth and peace that so many who give up hard-
heartedness have experienced. He felt immediately that he should do the temple work for his father which he had been avoiding.

His answer to prayer also taught me that I didn't have quite the same answer the Lord had for him. I had counseled him to forgive; the Lord counseled him to seek
forgiveness. It costs parents nothing to worry first about what they have done that might have become a stumbling block to others. To seek forgiveness dissolves most
of the reasons we think we have for needing to forgive others. In any event, the Lord will forgive whom he will forgive, but it is required of us to forgive all. When we
seek forgiveness from others, we are giving them a chance to be blessed by the Lord, and the humility required for us to do such a thing is probably evidence that we
are no longer refusing to forgive. I affirm: parents' call to children as to how they are to be in the world is best when founded on example.

When living as an example, a parent can also instruct by precept. Using examples from literature, television, or the newspaper, parents can help children examine events
for moral meaning. Does the story of the thief at city hall contain any quotes that reveal a belief in victimhooda belief that the sin was really not the thief's fault? What
does the television teach about authority? How is the moral meaning of events ignored, treated trivially, or undermined? How is a heroine or hero who has behaved
irresponsibly excused for that behavior? What rationalizations are accepted as legitimate instead of being revealed as excuses? What shows do teach moral
responsibility and accountability? Which characters portray the value of commitment to others and in accordance with correct principles? In the last drama the family
watched, who behaved in humility? What principles are taught in literature that square with truths found in the scriptures?

When parents know what meanings to look for, and teach their children to assess those meanings, they have provided their children with a scaffolding for making sense
out of a world which presents a variety of moral possibilities. The ability to see telestial or terrestrial philosophies for what they are, to document them with the
scriptures, and to find examples in everyday life can help children measure meaning in ways that give them anchors of understanding. Celestial possibilities become
understandable and realistic. Jerry, the Vietnam veteran, had his world change when he changed his heart. He saw his father's sins differentlycompassionatelyand felt a
call to temple service. Hopefully, parents who examine the meanings of everyday life and teach their children what to look for and how to see are likely to live more
pure lives and to be purified by the questions and challenges posed by their children.

We reclaim a culture and create a future when we teach our children in love and example about the meaning of moral, responsible living. We also bless our children
when we talk about the spiritual and practical value of citizenship. In addition to being examples within our homes, we must be more involved in public, community
arenas of service where we give voice to responsibility, respect for proper authority, concern for the best interests of others, and righteous, compassionate judgments of
what directions our community ought to move in order to promote the best interests of the next generation. Perhaps the most fundamental truth along these lines, which
our children deserve to know, is that being a righteous person is a blessing to the community, the public good, and the nation. It is Moroni's reminder as he recounts the
plight of the Jaredites:

This is a choice land, and whatsoever nation shall possess it shall be free from bondage, and from captivity, and from all other nations under heaven, if they will but
serve the God of the land, who is Jesus Christ. (Ether 2:12).

_____
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Terrance D. Olson is a former chair of the Department of Family Sciences at Brigham Young University. He served as an editor of the Encyclopedia of Mormonism.
He has served on national committees addressing adolescent pregnancy and issues of character and citizenship in family life education. He received a Ph.D. in marriage
This is a choice land, and whatsoever nation shall possess it shall be free from bondage, and from captivity, and from all other nations under heaven, if they will but
serve the God of the land, who is Jesus Christ. (Ether 2:12).

_____

Terrance D. Olson is a former chair of the Department of Family Sciences at Brigham Young University. He served as an editor of the Encyclopedia of Mormonism.
He has served on national committees addressing adolescent pregnancy and issues of character and citizenship in family life education. He received a Ph.D. in marriage
and family living from Florida State University, and is the author of numerous articles for professional journals. He has taught at the University of New Mexico in
Albuquerque. In the Church he has been a Cubmaster, high councilor, bishop, and stake president. He and his wife, Karen, have six children.

8 Parents Kind and Dear

S. Brett Savage

I had just begun writing the outline for this chapter when my four- year-old daughter, Haley, appeared at the door of my home office. I was pondering what title would
be most appropriate and would best describe the feelings and thoughts I had outlined. She had been singing her favorite Primary song, "I Am a Child of God." I had
been listening with one ear from inside the closed doors of my office. As Haley opened the door, the phrase "with parents kind and dear" floated out from her angelic
soul. I grabbed her up into my arms and we both squeezed, kissed, and tickled each other till we were filled with delight. I was so moved in that moment by her sweet
gift of love to me, I knew the title of this chapter had to be "Parents Kind and Dear." I told her, "Haley, baby girl, you came in at just the right time, and your beautiful
song was the answer to Daddy's prayer." She replied, in the pure innocence of her guileless youth, "I know. That's why you need me in this family."

After she left the office, I was also moved in another way, panged this time by a distressing question. I asked myself, Have I been a kind and dear parent to this sweet
little soul? Does little Haley see me as this type of parentkind to her and dear to her heart? I did not ask her right then, for my own heart seemed to answer. The answer
was no, not all the time. I was troubled again by memories of the many times when I had not been the kind of parent my Father in Heaven would have me be for this
daughter of his. In the middle of this experience I began to sense, along with this healthy twinge of parental shame, a gentle invitation by the Spirit of the Lord. His Spirit
comforted my whole being, replaced my shame with peace, and filled my heart with love and thanksgiving for our little daughter.

This experience invited me to once more rededicate myself to living righteously as a husband and parent. It also confirmed to my heart what a friend, Chris Wallace,
had taught me once. Said he, "The outcome of parenting is not for the child, it's for the parent. The issue is not so much whether my children turn out right; instead, it's
whether my heart is right with my children." I did not understand just what he meant when he first said this to me, but I believe I have come to an understanding of it
now, several years and six children later.

I would like to build on this thoughtthat the measure of a successful parent rests first and fundamentally with how the parent turns out, not necessarily with how the
children turn out. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be concerned about what our daughters and sons become as they grow up. Indeed, caring about our children,
teaching, loving, directing, and guiding them is of the utmost importance. What I am saying is, we must be living our adult lives in such a way that we are the kind of
parents who invite our children to become disciples of the truth, for we teach by example as well as by precept. The most powerful and essential example we will ever
give to our children comes from the daily conversations, actions, feelings, and relationships we have with them. Put another way, our children will come to know the
Lord's teachings more fundamentally by watching us live our lives with them in everyday settings than by any other means. This is good news, for it means we can
prepare our children for the challenges of their future lives, marriages, and families by giving them a "firm foundation" in our homes as they grow up. Our everyday
example will set the stage so they can see how to repent, forgive, love others, obey the commandments, and heal problems when they are parents themselves. In this
way, many future generations can be blessed and our righteousness can be visited upon our children and even our children's children (see D&C 98:23-30).

Parents Responsibility to Love First

President Joseph F. Smith taught:

If you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united
with you, love them! and prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. . . . When you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not
harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly; get them down and weep with them if necessary and get them to shed tears with you if possible. Soften their
hearts; get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence, . . . approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned. With these means, if you
cannot gain your boys and your girls . . . there will be no means left in the world by which you can win them to yourselves. But, get them to love the gospel as you love
it, to love one another as you love them; to love their parents as the parents love the children. You can't do it any other way. You can't do it by unkindness; you cannot
do it by driving; our children are like we are; we couldn't be driven; we can't be driven now. . . .

This is not the way that God intended, in the beginning, to deal with his childrenby force. It is all free love, free grace. . . .

You can't force your boys, nor your girls into heaven. You may force them to hell, by using harsh mean in the efforts to make them good, when you yourselves are not
as good as you should be. . . . You can only correct your children by love, in kindness, by love unfeigned, by persuasion, and reason. (Gospel Doctrine [Salt Lake
City: Deseret Book Co., 1939], pp. 316-17.)

This sweet and enlightening counsel from President Smith invites parents to live their lives as models of the Lord's love and principles. The responsibility of parents is to
create a marriage and home atmosphere where love for one another is the foundation for teaching, inviting, preventing and solving problems, and reclaiming wayward or
lost children if the need arises. In an era and culture bent on teaching the world's false notion of loving one's self, it is refreshing and consoling to hear prophetic doctrine
spoken in clarity regarding the Lord's view of loving. (See A. Scott Loveless, "What in the World Is Love?" This People, December 1994, pp. 41-51.) President
Harold B. Lee counseled parents similarly: "An author once said, ï¿½The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.' And I would add
to that, ï¿½A woman happy with her husband is better for her children than a hundred books on child welfare.'" (In Speeches of the Year [Provo, Utah: Brigham
Young University Press, 1973], p. 92.)

I believe that this prophetic counsel means that an atmosphere of love in our marriages provides a faithful family context within which our children will grow and be
nurturedlike planting a seed in good fertile soil and then nourishing it as it grows. It will then be a matter of course, a natural occurrence, that our children will love,
listen, and learn within this loving parental atmosphere. This atmosphere may not be a perfect setting all the time, but it need not be. What our children need is not
perfect parents but loving, honest ones; parents who, by their daily living, teach lessons of love, forgiveness, righteousness, and patience. In homes where parents "love
one another" (John 13:34), correct principles become daily practices. In their relationships with each other, they are true disciples or doers of righteousness (John
7:17). The scriptures put it this way: "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves" (James 1:22). By our every thought, word, and
deed, we should witness to all that we are living proof of correct principles, not just people who have heard about or believe in principles (see Mosiah 18:7-10).

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                                                                                                                                                           in the world.
The scriptures teach: "Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth,
and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:31-32). To be a disciple means to be a follower or doer, not just a believer. Principles, described in the above scripture as
one another" (John 13:34), correct principles become daily practices. In their relationships with each other, they are true disciples or doers of righteousness (John
7:17). The scriptures put it this way: "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves" (James 1:22). By our every thought, word, and
deed, we should witness to all that we are living proof of correct principles, not just people who have heard about or believe in principles (see Mosiah 18:7-10).

Correct principles, then, are not just words, phrases, or mental ideas we think about or believe in, but instead are descriptions of truthful ways of living in the world.
The scriptures teach: "Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth,
and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:31-32). To be a disciple means to be a follower or doer, not just a believer. Principles, described in the above scripture as
the "word," are what truthful, loving living should be based upon; they should not be just mental concepts in our minds. Jesus was asking his disciples to both believe
and live the words or principles he taught them. He had already set the perfect example by living them himself. He said, "When ye have lifted up the Son of man, then
shall ye know that I am he, and that I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me. . . . For I do always those things that please him." (John 8:28-29.)

The example of the Savior can and should be emulated by parents, for we have been commanded to bring up our (and his) children in "light and truth" (D&C 93:40)
and to teach them correct principles. We do this best when we are living examples of those principles we wish to teach our children.

Too often, however, correct principles are used by parents as rationales to push their views upon their children. They do this by driving or forcing the correctness of
what they think or want upon their children. But principles cannot be forcefully imposed. Though as parents we sometimes try to teach correct principles by coercive
edict, demanding obedience from a position of parental authority or power in order to get our children to behave, it is also true that no principleeven a gospel
principlecan be correctly taught using coercive means, no matter how justified or righteous the outcome may appear to us. The Lord warned: "Verily I say unto you, he
that is ordained of me and sent forth to preach the word of truth by the Comforter, in the Spirit of truth, doth he preach it by the Spirit of truth or some other way? And
if it be by some other way it is not of God. And again, he that receiveth the word of truth, doth he receive it by the Spirit of truth or some other way? If it be some other
way it is not of God." (D&C 50:17-20.)

A woman who had struggled for years in her marriage and with her wayward children once said to me: "My husband and children have not rebelled against the good
things I have tried to make them do, they have rebelled against me trying so hard to make them do it. I felt it was my job, my obligation as a wife and mother, to make
them turn out right, while all the time my own heart was not right. I did not lovingly teach, invite, or persuade them; I pushed them to do these things very often so that I
would look like a good mother in the eyes of my friends."

The following story from a rebellious daughter illustrates what often occurs when one is on the receiving end of parental pushinesswhen parents shove their children
towards good. I do not suggest by this story that this girl's parents were solely responsible for their daughter's actions; indeed, she took great offense and made a
considerable contribution to the problems in her home by becoming controlling in her own way. Consider her story:

For years I haven't read my scriptures or said my prayers, and if I did happen to go to church I found it the biggest waste of time. I hated church, hated my parents, my
sister, and I think I even hated God. I had hatred pouring from every pore . . . especially if it had anything at all to do with church.

I think most of the problems started as I was entering high school. I wanted to date, party, hang out with friendsyou know, do all the things teenagers do at the time. I
felt that no one had the right to tell me what to do or when to do it. Of course, my parents, being the manipulative people they are, wouldn't let me date before I was
sixteen, and gave me the unreasonable hour of 11:30 p.m. as my curfew. I always had to tell them where I was going, what I was doing, and who I was with. Then
came the matter of church. It took up too much of my timeseminary in the morning, family home evening, various youth activities, three hours of church on Sundayall of
which I had no choice but to do. I resented my parents and everyone at church for insisting that I live my life the way they wanted.

As time went on, things only got worse. I refused to acknowledge my family, refused to go to seminary, church activities, even eat dinner with them. The more they
tried to make me do things, the harder I rebelled. I wouldn't pray no matter who asked me, whether it was our home teachers or my Sunday School teacher. I began to
live only for my friends; they didn't try to force me to do anything.

I was still going to church on Sunday, and it was probably the worst day of the week for my parents. I knew they dreaded Sunday mornings when they had to fight me
to go to church. I made their lives a living hell, and Sundays twice as bad. I took a lot of pleasure in this. At church I challenged anything anyone taught or said. I felt
that all the members were brainwashed, and I couldn't believe anyone could believe such nonsense. As soon as I got home from church, I immediately took off with my
friends, went into the city, went drinking, and did anything we weren't supposed to do.

So far it may sound like the typical controlling parents / rebellious teenager story, but things only got worse. In fact, it got so bad that I wouldn't even allow a set of
scriptures in my room. If I saw any lying around the house, I'd either chuck them out the door or hide them where no one could find them. My life just got worse and
worse. I had problems I felt no one would understand because they were too tied up in the Church. It was all my parents' fault for being members. When blaming my
parents wasn't enough, I began to blame my grandparents. If they hadn't raised my dad in the Church, I wouldn't have all these problems. Now my hate for them also
began to grow.

One Sunday as I was reluctantly sitting in Sunday School (my dad would pace out in the halls and would every so often crack the door to check and see if I was still in
class), the teacher made some comment that really offended me. To this day I can't remember exactly what it was that he said, but I remember the anger I felt. I
stormed out of the room, and that was the last time I ever went to church. I remember storming out of the building and ignoring my dad calling my name, threatening
me, and demanding that I get back to class. I ran for miles, furious that I was even associated with that church. No longer was I blaming my parents and grandparents
now, but I began to blame God. He was the one who started this whole dumb thing of religion, and of course he made my family believe that the stupid church we
belonged to was true. He was the one to blame for my miserable life. He was the one who caused all my problems and was the one I hated with all my soul. I never
wanted to hear the word God again. That was what God had become to mea word. A word that I hated more than anything.

This scenario is too commonparents trying to coerce goodness from their children and feeling righteous, morally justified, even morally superior in doing it. The result of
this parental provocation is often an open rebellion or perhaps malicious compliance from their children; both are forms of resistance and neither is a desirable behavior.
Parental control most often elicits some form of resistance in children. Our use of force provokes them to shy away from doing the good things we would want them to
do and becoming the responsible adults we want them to become. In the earlier quote by President Joseph F. Smith, this parental counsel was given with regard to
teaching or disciplining children: "You cannot do it by driving. . . . This is not the way that God intended, in the beginning, to deal with his childrenby force." (Gospel
Doctrine, pp. 316-17.)

If forcing principles upon others is not the way of God, whose way is it? To force a righteous outcome was Satan's unrighteous and ineffectual alternative from the
beginning. His plan was supposed to bring us all back to exaltation in the Father's presence, but with this spin: he was going to do it by force, removing our agency, and
ultimately for his own glory, not the Father's (see Moses 4:1). To try to force any principle, particularly a righteous principle, on our children is not to be a parent "kind
and dear" but a parent mean and distant. To do this is to be an unrighteous parent who is not following the Savior's plan to honor others' agency and invite them to live
righteously "by persuasion . . . and by love unfeigned" (D&C 121:41; see also Loveless, "What in the World Is Love?" pp. 41-51). We may also be guilty of seeking
our own glory when our attempts to control our children are motivated by how we might be judged by others. If this is the case, our concern turns away from our
children towards ourselvesand now this self-concern becomes manipulative. Now we are not only trying to control our children but also trying to control how others
see  us as parents.
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further from appropriate relationships with our children and the positive influence we could have, were we genuinely and lovingly concerned for them. This is how
parental control makes family problems worse instead of solving them.
and dear" but a parent mean and distant. To do this is to be an unrighteous parent who is not following the Savior's plan to honor others' agency and invite them to live
righteously "by persuasion . . . and by love unfeigned" (D&C 121:41; see also Loveless, "What in the World Is Love?" pp. 41-51). We may also be guilty of seeking
our own glory when our attempts to control our children are motivated by how we might be judged by others. If this is the case, our concern turns away from our
children towards ourselvesand now this self-concern becomes manipulative. Now we are not only trying to control our children but also trying to control how others
see us as parents. We are fearful that our children's bad behavior will be a bad reflection on us (as many parents have admitted to me). This anxiety removes us even
further from appropriate relationships with our children and the positive influence we could have, were we genuinely and lovingly concerned for them. This is how
parental control makes family problems worse instead of solving them.

To force principles, rules, or parental guidelines upon our children is invariably to do so in an accusing manner. The attitude in our heart says to others, "You're the
problem," "I'm the boss here, and I have the authority to fix you," or "as long as you live under my roof you'll do as I say." This kind of accusatory authority is what the
Lord calls "unrighteous dominion" (D&C 121:39). For "when we undertake . . . to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children [especially
our children] of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to
the priesthood or the authority of that man" (D&C 121:37). No wonder President Smith said a parent can't be effective through unkindness, anger, violence, or driving.

Since accusing attitudes tend to provoke resistance, it is not so much a matter of what we are doing as parents but how we are doing it. The "how" includes the "what"
but also involves the condition of our hearts as we do it.1 For example, if we are angry or contentious toward our children, our hearts are impure and accusing, and the
meaning of what we are doing will be determined and communicated by the attitude of our hearts. The Lord said, "Of the abundance of the heart his mouth
speaketh" (Luke 6:45). In other words, the attitude of our blaming hearts will be an inseparable part of any principle we are trying to teach and will ultimately undermine
the righteousness of any teaching endeavor. Our blaming, controlling attitudes always get communicated no matter how skillful we might become at trying to cover our
frustration, anger, or impatience. With hearts hardened in this way, we cannot help but exercise dominion and compulsion upon our children, and they will feel they are
being accused and will likely defend themselves or cower against our unloving denunciation upon them. Joseph Smith gave counsel that I believe is as applicable to
mothers and fathers as it is to priesthood holders: "We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little
authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion" (D&C 121:39). Any attempt to force righteous principles, rules, or
consequences upon others is always unrighteous dominion. When our hearts are angry, forceful, and accusing, the meaning or intent of what we are doing is seen by our
children as unloving and unrighteous. There is a simple reason for thiswhen our hearts are accusing and forceful, we are unloving and unrighteous.

So What's a Parent to Do?

Should parents give up on expectations, rules, consequences, discipline, and the teaching of their children? No! Parents are to give up on trying to force these things
upon their children. Elder Marion D. Hanks taught:

If we do not really love and really believe in free agency, we may be inclined to impose our will on others for what we think is their best good. If we love enough, we
will not do that, even at the risk of failure. Instruction and rules and training and discipline are essential, of course. From our Father's example of godly love and
patience, we should be motivated to stretch to any lengths to teach, to persuade, to encourage, to help. But in matters of conscience and faith, if we truly love we will
never seek to impose our will and deprive others of their agency. That is, after all, Satan's way. (In Conference Report, October 1983, pp. 30-31.)

It might help to remember that the premise of this chapter is that parenting is primarily for parents. The way in which we as parents are living, choosing, loving, and
responding to the Spirit of the Lord is crucial in our relationships with our children. We need to be living examples of correct principles and to be parents who "truly
love" as Elder Hanks suggests. Again, the teachings from the Doctrine and Covenants are helpful, not only for priesthood bearers but for parents:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love
unfeigned;

By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved.
...

Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong
in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion,
and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever. (D&C 121:41-43; 45-46.)

Paradoxically, if we are to have "power or influence" with others, and I think particularly with our children, we should seek to not force our power at all but instead to
influence "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the
soul without [parental] hypocrisy, and without [parental] guile." With hearts in this loving condition, the teaching, correction, or discipline of our children will be free of
unkindness, violence, harshness, blame, or bitterness. If we are moved upon by the Holy Ghost to["[reprove] betimes with sharpness," our hearts are filled with love
and concern, not angry, contentious animosity, for contention and unrighteous anger is of the devil (see 3 Ne. 11:29-30; D&C 10:62-70; see also S. Brett Savage,
"True Doctrine as Marital Therapy," in Douglas E. Brinley and Daniel K Judd, eds., Eternal Companions [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1995], pp. 151-76). I have
personally come to believe that "reproving betimes with sharpness" doesn't mean, as we often suggest in discussions when we are looking to justify our contentious
actions, "yelling with demanding loudness when moved upon by anger." With the Holy Ghost moving upon us in these times we would not be angry, accusing,
demanding, pushy, forceful, seeking dominion or control; but we would be enjoying the "fruits of the Spirit," teaching with love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness,
goodness, faith, meekness, temperance, not provoking one another (see Gal. 5:22-26). Said President Brigham Young: "Now I charge you again, and I charge myself
not to get angry. Never let anger arise in your hearts. No, Brigham, never let anger arise in your heart, never, never! Although you may be called upon to chastise and
to speak to the people sharply, do not let anger arise in you, no, never!" (In Journal of Discourses 14:156.) President Young also taught:

In all our daily pursuits in life, of whatever nature and kind, Latter-day Saints, and especially those who hold important positions in the kingdom of God, should maintain
a uniform and even temper, both when at home and when abroad. They should not suffer reverses and unpleasant circumstances to sour their natures and render them
fretful and unsociable at home, speaking words full of bitterness and biting acrimony to their wives and children, creating gloom and sorrow in their habitations, making
themselves feared rather than loved by their families. Anger should never be permitted to rise in our bosoms, and words suggested by angry feelings should never be
permitted to pass our lips. (In Journal of Discourses 11:136.)

Arents Repent and Change First

'Twas a sheep, not a lamb, that strayed away

In the parable
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A grown-up sheep that had gone astray
Arents Repent and Change First

'Twas a sheep, not a lamb, that strayed away

In the parable Jesus told,

A grown-up sheep that had gone astray

From the ninety and nine in the fold.

(Author unknown.)

The responsibility of righteous parents to first set an example for their children corresponds with the teachings and example of the Savior. Jesus taught, "Come, follow
me" and "Do the things ye have seen me do" (Luke 18:22; 2 Ne. 31:12, 17). He asks the question "What manner of men ought ye to be?" and then answers, "Even as I
am" (3 Ne. 27:27). He lovingly commanded us to follow his example and "Love one another" as he loves us (John 13:34). Having set a righteous example first, he
could then lovingly persuade us to keep the commandments (see 1 Jn. 5:3).

Parents daily set examples for their children one way or another, for better or worse. Our children see us act, speak, laugh, choose, feel, sin, repent or not repent, and
live our daily lives with them. As a result, parents may need to do some repenting and changing of their own before they can ask their children to do so. Elder Boyd K.
Packer has counseled parents along these lines:

I speak to the parents of wayward and lost children. . . .

Even parents with the best intentionssome who have really triednow know . . . heartache. Many parents have tried in every way to protect their childrenonly now to find
they are losing one. . . .

Parents, can we first consider the most painful part of your problem? If you want to reclaim your son or daughter, why don't you leave off trying to alter your child just
for a little while and concentrate on yourself. The changes must begin with you, not with your children.

You can't continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct
was one of the things that produced it.

There! It's been said! After all the evading, all the concern for wayward children. After all the blaming of others, the care to be gentle with parents. It's out! It's you, not
the child, who needs immediate attention.

Now, parents, there is substantial help for you if you will accept it. I add with emphasis that the help we propose is not easy, for the measures are equal to the
seriousness of your problem. There is no patent medicine to effect an immediate cure.

And parents, if you seek for a cure that ignores faith and religious doctrine, you look for a cure where it never will be found. When we talk of religious principles and
doctrines and quote scripture, interesting, isn't it, how many don't feel comfortable with talk like that? But when we talk about your problems with your family and offer
a solution, then your interest is intense.

Know that you can't talk about one without talking about the other and expect to solve your problems. Once parents know that there is a God and that we are His
children, they can face problems like this and win.

If you are helpless, He is not.

If you are lost, He is not.

If you don't know what to do next, He knows.

It would take a miracle, you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, why not. ("That All May Be Edified" [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], pp. 137, 139.)

The Lord similarly taught in the Sermon on the Mount that if we are to be effective in helping others remove or overcome sin from their lives, we must first be on the
path to removing our own sins. I believe that this can be applied to parents and Church leaders. The Lord said: "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy
brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam
is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." (Matt.
7:3-5.)

As parents, if we are to "see clearly" the motes in our children's eyes, our eyes and our hearts must be seeking repentance first. This means we must be on a course in
pursuit of eternal life by loving others and keeping the commandments. This task is not grievous or too difficult for us to accomplish. The following story is an example
of how one father repented of his offense against his son, had the beam removed from his own eye first, and saw clearly what to say, feel, and do for his son and wife:

It was BYU homecoming weekend. Schedules were tight with the Arbinger seminar on relationships Friday night and all day Saturday, homecoming activities Saturday
night, and a trip to Salt Lake to hear our daughter and son-in-law speak in church. I had just flown in from California as I do every Friday (being a California commuter
from our Utah home). We had just returned from the Saturday night BYU homecoming entertainment, part of which I slept through. I was extremely tired and thought I
might be coming down with some ailment, as my body was starting to ache and all I really wanted was to see my eyelids close as I drifted off to sleep. It was under
these expectations that I learned that my ten-year-old son has a project due first thing Monday morning and nothing had been doneno work, no thought, and no
supplies. My wife was under pressure to finish a graduate paper in nursing, so I knew the task of helping my son fell directly on me.

Though in my heart I did feel to help my son, I immediately pushed the feeling aside and said in my mind, I don't want this assignment. I began to fuss and said, "It's
nearly ten o'clock on Saturday night; this is no time to start a project of this kind. This is pure insanity." I stormed out of the kitchen into the bedroom, leaving my son
and wife with coldness, tension, and guilty feelings.

As I lay on my bed reviewing the events of the last few minutes, my sin, my offense against my son, became all too clear. I began to blame my son for putting off his
project (and to blame my wife for letting this happen)no materials, no plans, no supplies and no warning. After all, I thought, I'm only here for two days. Why do I have
to spend my time designing, cutting, and pasting a colonial house together?
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At that moment of offense, I saw my "beam," and I chose to get out of the anger, blame, and hard feelings. I prayerfully searched my heart for repentance and for the
right spirit to return. It came and I knew just what to do.
As I lay on my bed reviewing the events of the last few minutes, my sin, my offense against my son, became all too clear. I began to blame my son for putting off his
project (and to blame my wife for letting this happen)no materials, no plans, no supplies and no warning. After all, I thought, I'm only here for two days. Why do I have
to spend my time designing, cutting, and pasting a colonial house together?

At that moment of offense, I saw my "beam," and I chose to get out of the anger, blame, and hard feelings. I prayerfully searched my heart for repentance and for the
right spirit to return. It came and I knew just what to do.

With love in my heart, my son and I commenced "our" project. He was delighted with my help and grateful to be rescued. We made rapid progress, and as he saw the
house actually coming together he would periodically give me a hug around the neck and say, "Isn't this neat?" After about an hour, my wife came into the kitchen and
made us some popcorn and iced us some orange juice, all of which provided the final touch to a wonderful experience. The experience was so sweet and fulfilling and
ideal that it seemed almost fictional to me.

During the several hours that it took us to complete this project, I now and again wanted to remind my son, in a critical way, that he should not put things off and wait
until the last minute. But I resisted this second offensive inclination as each time I remembered a statement by Elder F. Enzio Busche: "When we criticize people, their
conscience will console them; when we love them, their conscience will indict them" (as quoted in C. Terry Warner, "Bonds of Anguish, Bonds of Love" [unpublished
manuscript, 1992]). The project was completed with a great deal of satisfaction and delight. Because my wife had several hours yet to go on her paper, I decided to
sleep in my son's room. As I knelt down to say my prayers, he was immediately by my side. After our prayers, he said, "You know, Papa, I really shouldn't wait so late
to start big projects. It would be much better if I were to do a little bit each day." As I climbed into bed, tears of joy flowed freely as I reflected on how close I had
come, through taking offense at my son, to have missed the entire experience and how grateful I was to have had such an "on-point" experience confirming principles I
had come to know are true.

I am very often approached by troubled parents and asked the question "What do I do when my child acts so rebellious, insensitive, or disobedient?" I am reluctant to
give any direct answer, because I almost never know what would be right for them and because what-ever advice I might give could be acted upon in an unrighteous
way. I usually try to tell a story like the one above, pose a question, or teach a correct principle of the gospel to invite their hearts to be right first before they do
anything.

For example, a single mother once told me she was just plain "sick and tired" of her two-year-old pulling all the nice books off the shelves in the living room. She asked
me in total exasperation, "What's a mother to do with a child like that? He's just a typical, destructive two-year-old who has no appreciation for my feelings." In her
frustrated and accusing request, she had essentially asked me for a behavioral recipe, a parental formula, some technique she might employ to get her little son to be
different. She was quite dismayed with my answer, as I suggested she was the one who needed to be different for her sonthat her heart would have to be loving toward
him first before he would respond appropriately. I asked her a few questions about her situation, reassured her, and then gave her my answer in the form of a question
she was to pose to herself the next time a problem arose. I said, "The next time he starts to pull down the books or do some other naughty thing, stop for just a
moment. Don't get angry or start blaming him for ruining your day; just ask yourself, ï¿½Of all the things I could do right now, what would be the right thingwhat would
love for him require in this very moment?"2 She looked very puzzled, even put off by my suggestion. I added, "I'm asking you simply to crawl into his world and be with
him in the moment, lovingly. Then you will know by the Spirit of the Lord what to do." She agreed, with some skepticism, to try this and to call me later to report on her
experience.

A few weeks passed, and one day I got a call from this single mom. She told me:

Nothing short of a miracle has occurred between me and my little boy. Soon after we talked he was at it again, this time pulling out all the pots and pans from the
cupboards. I was just about to blow up at him, when I remembered to stop, crawl into his world, and do the loving, right thing. It took a moment for the right thing to
come into my heart, but even before I knew in my mind what to do, I was on the floor playing with him. He was as surprised as I was to see me down on the floor
playfully tapping pans with a wooden spoon. Only a few delightful minutes went by and he began putting things away. Working together, we had everything back in no
time. It was fun. As amazing as this was to me, what happened next was the real miracle.

Usually when I'm home with him he fusses most of the time, pulling on my pant leg, whining, constantly calling, "See me, Mom; look at me; look, Mom, here." Well,
regardless of how busy I am now, he no longer whines, pulls, and tugs at me but instead brushes gently up against me as we are in the house together. I have stopped
working when it is the "right thing" to play, read a little book, wrestle, or just hug him. This happens often now but never takes very long. However, in the long run he
and I are much happier together, frustration is at an all time low, and he doesn't mess up the house like he used to. By the way, he's not a disrespectful, messy,
unappreciative two-year-old either, he's just an innocent little child who needs a mother to love him without anger or blame.

Parents repenting or changing first means they give their children parents who have repented of contentious feelings, accusing attitudes, and controlling behaviors. In
other words, when we repent and the Lord removes the beam from our eyes first, we give our children a new and loving parent to respond towe give them an adult
heart that respects them and grants that they are children of a loving Father in Heaven (see Warner, "Bonds of Anguish, Bonds of Love"). We see them, as Elder
Hanks commented earlier, as having agencyan ability to be sensitive to the Spirit of the Lord and to choose whether to follow or go against what they know is right. We
also see the personality and character of our children differently, as did the mother in the previous story. We can now see the truth about them. Where once we may
have seen them as uncaring, stupid, or malicious, we now might see them struggling in their sins and trying to get out, calling for help, hurting and not knowing why.
Now that our hearts are no longer hardened with accusations against our children, we feel to help them with their struggles and wrong choices rather than punitively
disciplining them. This newness of spirit is a love and concern that is inviting and persuasive instead of repressive and provoking. Our intent is not to force our kids to be
good but instead to entice, hope, persuade, grow, and, as Joseph Smith said, to lovingly teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves (see quotation in
Journal of Discourses 10:57-58).

This does not mean parents abandon rules or consequences in their homes, for love is never indulgence. It means that rules and consequences are worked out mutually
between parents and children without anger, harshness, violence, retaliation, or manipulation. When parental hearts are loving instead of accusing, they see their children
as partners in the process of finding solutions to problem situations. Children can be encouraged to offer recommendations as to what will be most helpful for them. Far
from being too immature or incapable of offering wise counsel, children, even very young ones, often come up with the most guileless and simple advicecounsel that
actually addresses the real problem as they see it. Parents can then follow, add to, and help direct their children's suggestions and can work at joint solutions together
without demanding, cajoling, or forcing the issues. If parents have consistently taught and set an example of correct principles with their children, this collaborative
process of finding real solutions that address the real problems comes intuitively and joyfully. Even when correction is necessary, it is often a playful moment between
parent and child so that fear or viciousness is absent. Children and parents are then sensitive to one another's needs, listen to each other carefully, and are more willing
to try something new.

If parents do not have a history of loving, teaching relationships with their children, it is never too late to start. A father who came to me for consultation concerning his
troubled family situation wept as he recounted this story to me:

I think I have messed up with my children so badly over the years I don't even know where to start the healingI don't even know what to say to them anymore. I have
been  so controlling
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so belligerent and hypersensitive to anything I say to them that I'm afraid it's too late for me.

Well, he did try by simply going to his two teenage children and saying to them, brokenhearted, what he had said to me. He told me later what happened:
troubled family situation wept as he recounted this story to me:

I think I have messed up with my children so badly over the years I don't even know where to start the healingI don't even know what to say to them anymore. I have
been so controlling over the years, demanding that they give me the detailed results I outlined, that I think they won't listen to me even if I try. They both have become
so belligerent and hypersensitive to anything I say to them that I'm afraid it's too late for me.

Well, he did try by simply going to his two teenage children and saying to them, brokenhearted, what he had said to me. He told me later what happened:

Sunday morning I had fixed breakfast and called the family to the table. My son was first in the kitchen. He stopped in the middle of the floor, looked puzzled, and
asked what was different. I told him I wasn't sure what he meant. He looked around the kitchen and said, "Something is . . . well, different." He sat down and my wife
and daughter came in soon after. We began our meal with the typical alienated silence that had come to mark our home life. I broke the silence, with a prayer in my
soul that my children might forgive me and sense my change of heart. I said, "Kids, your mom and I have done some real soul searching, praying, and pondering of the
scriptures lately, trying to get things right in our home. I feel I have been so controlling of you over the years that I have pushed you away. I think I've messed up so bad
I don't even know how to talk with you anymore." I got choked up and couldn't say more. They looked at each other, as if amazed to hear this from me. Their
surprised looks melted into softness, and my son said, "It's okay, Dad, I'm sure we can work it out."

In the months that followed, this father told me of his struggles in trying not to fall back into his old "command and control" style of parenting but to "just teach clear and
fair expectations." He has reported that his children have actually become pretty nice, and though the rules in his home haven't changed much, his kids are more willing
to obey them. He said they even ground themselves sometimes for doing wrong, and they tell him of how their consciences bother them now that Dad isn't playing as
though he has to be their conscience for them.

Rules and consequences imposed by force create discouragement and provoke children to defend themselves and rebel against parental control attempts (see Col.
3:21). However, when parents repent of controlling, provoking attitudes and behaviors, often the relationship with their children is altered so fundamentally that fears
and problems which seemed previously unsolvable yield to solutions much more easily, or they may even cease to exist. For example, this repenting father writes:

On her seventeenth birthday my daughter decided to move in with her boyfriend. We were shocked. It seemed as though she was going against everything we had ever
taught her. At first I tried to be nice to himhe seemed like an honest enough guybut later I found out different. My daughter explained the emotional and sexual abuse
that she had experienced while living with him. When we found out she was pregnant it was no huge surprise, but we were heartsick for her, especially when they
considered an abortion. Well, she eventually moved home and I began to hate her boyfriend more each day. I did everything I could to put him down, to keep the hate
alive, fearing she would go back to him. It was my greatest fear.

The other night my daughter and I were talking, trying to be reconciled and heal the hurt. She was telling me of her part in the problems while living with her boyfriend.
It became crystal clear that she had contributed somewhat to the problems they had had together. Her part was no excuse for his abuse, but all of a sudden the thought
hit me that I was contributing too. I was hating him with a fear and a desire to control my daughter's life. As that truth hit me, the hate was gone; it just vanished from my
heart. I could feel love and freedom and peace return to my soul. The fear was totally gone too, and with it, the desire to dominate my daughter. I'm not sure what will
happen to them now. I do know this muchI don't see her boyfriend with eyes of hate. I desire to be close to him, to love him and help these two kids get on the right
track again. Much has already been said and done; I have asked forgiveness of them both. We're all doing much better.

Love does not manipulate or guarantee an outcome but invites children into a relationship of mutual love and respect, into a context of caring, compassionate "doing" for
each other. With love in our hearts, we are then in a position to teach, invite, persuade, discipline, set limits, forgive, ask to be forgiven, understand each other, and
communicate effectively and properly (see Rom. 5:5; Eph. 3:17; 1 Ne. 11:22). The Book of Mormon teaches this, referring to Lehi: "And he did exhort them then with
all the feeling of a tender parent, that they would hearken to his words, that perhaps the Lord would be merciful to them, and not cast them off; yea, my father did
preach unto them" (1 Ne. 8:37). So, when (and only when) our hearts are loving toward others, doing what is right will naturally follow. The right thing to do in behalf of
our children is what we humbly will be seeking for moment by moment, when our hearts are "knit together in love" with them (Col. 2:2; Mosiah 18:21). If our hearts are
"right in love," we will be free of contentious, controlling feelings and will know what to do in response to our children's needs (see Mosiah 18:21; 3 Ne. 11:29-32). If
we remain faithful, our hearts will be vulnerable and open to specific guidance from the Spirit of the Lord, and we can be given "in the very moment" what to say or do
with our children (D&C 100:6).

Changing circumstances provide endless possibilities for interaction with our children and may often present new and unique struggles. Each challenge will require a
sensitive and flexible parental response so we can appropriately meet each distinctive need as it appears. In crucial moments like these, God is a faithful parent to us
(see 1 Cor. 10:13), and if we will hearken to his Spirit, he will not leave us without comfort and knowledge of what to do in that moment (see John 14:12-18). Unique
and changing situations are further reasons why inflexible communication recipes, parenting formulas, or step-by-step techniques may ultimately prove destructive.
Patented skills or rehearsed communication techniques may predispose us to being insensitive to the Spirit of the Lord and to our children's particular and immediate
needs. Our focus in these moments is typically on our own agendas and "strategies of understanding" and not upon the needs of our child. If we are not willing to be
spiritually influenced when responding to our children's needs, particularly in moments of crisis, we may miss the mark. This is why we need to be meekly vulnerable to
the sweet influence of the Spirit of our Father in Heaven to guide us as parents.

King Benjamin taught the following to the parents of his day:

Believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now, if you
believe all these things see that ye do them.

And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his
love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in
remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in
the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith. . . .

. . . I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the
knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably, and to render to every man according to that which is his due.

And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and
serve the devil, who is the master of sin. . . .

But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another. (Mosiah 4:10-15.)
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upon the Lord daily, we will grow in the knowledge of what is just and true. The result of living daily in the world this way, King Benjamin says, is that we will "not have
a mind to injure one another" and we will not let our children serve the devil by being quarrelsome. Rather, we will teach them in truth and soberness to love and serve
serve the devil, who is the master of sin. . . .

But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another. (Mosiah 4:10-15.)

Notice that this great prophet-king does not give a recipe or formula to follow but rather says that if we will repent, humble ourselves with sincerity of heart, and call
upon the Lord daily, we will grow in the knowledge of what is just and true. The result of living daily in the world this way, King Benjamin says, is that we will "not have
a mind to injure one another" and we will not let our children serve the devil by being quarrelsome. Rather, we will teach them in truth and soberness to love and serve
one another. This is the context or atmosphere that is created in a home where "kind and dear" parents are humbly repenting, loving, and serving one another and their
children. President Ezra Taft Benson taught:

Fathers, would it please the Lord if there were daily family prayer and scripture reading in your home? And what about the holding of weekly home evenings and
periodically having individual time with your wife and each child? And if your child went temporarily astray, do you think it would please the Lord and He would honor
your efforts if you continued to live an exemplary life, consistently prayed and frequently fasted for that child, and kept the name of that son or daughter on the temple
prayer roll? (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1988], p. 351.)

Summary

Parenting is for parents. As parents our primary concern should be to give our children a parent whose heart is right with the Lord, and with everyone. This means
striving to live the gospel of Jesus Christ with all our hearts, following the President of the Church, repenting of our sins, and forgiving others of their sins. This means
loving our spouses and children with all our hearts, with the pure love of Christ (see D&C 42:22; Moro. 7:47). In doing these things we would actively, consistently,
and diligently teach our children, speaking the truth in love (see Deut. 6:5-7; Eph. 4:15; D&C 88:77-78, 118-19). We would teach not only the scriptures and
prophetsnot leaving our children's religious education predominately up to othersbut would also be involved in helping them with schoolwork, teaching them of social
and moral issues, helping them develop talents, and having fun and playing with them (see D&C 93:50, 53; 109:7). Teaching the doctrines of the restored gospel as
found in the Book of Mormon would be a central feature of family learning and involvement.

President Marion G. Romney spoke of the responsibility and blessings of studying the Book of Mormon with our children when he said:

I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that
great book will permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The
spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their
parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charitythe pure love of Christwill abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.
(In Conference Report, April 1980, pp. 90-91.)

Wise teaching would include gradually giving children expanded responsibilities as they mature and are able to learn and do more. When our hearts are loving towards
our spouses and children, we can sense what duties are appropriate. At first we will offer assistance, guidance, and practice. We will then patiently let children
experience success and failures. When discipline (which comes from a Greek word meaning "a follower") is called for, we will be neither punitive nor permissive but will
calmly soothe a crisis moment if need be, and create appropriate settings to quietly receive our children's account of the problem. Especially with our little ones, we will
"crawl into their world" and let their lives, their eyes, their struggles, speak to and soften our hearts. With their recommendations and concerns as a foundation, and
prayerfully asking guidance from the Lord, it is then our parental opportunity to accept responsibility and ask forgiveness for our contributions to their problems (if any);
to teach sound principles; to guide, invite, pray, and fast with them; and to express love and encouragement to them. Throughout the process of correction we will
faithfully remain by their side to support, guide, love, and express our confidence in them. Furthermore, we will let them work through solutions and make the necessary
amends without suspiciously or accusingly looking over their shoulder and controlling every move, nor indulgently giving up on them and letting them flounder alone and
undirected.

Children typically struggle through and experience failure as they grow in learning to be responsible. They may whine, resist, and seem unreliable or even unwilling. This
is when your child needs you to be the most loving and sensitive to their needs, but ironically it often is the time when parents falter in their faithfulness and may resort to
the coercive alternatives of punishing or indulging their children. President Joseph F. Smith, as quoted in the beginning of this chapter, pleaded for parents not to be
harsh, angry, violent, or punitive. In the following quote he calls parents to involve themselves in the lives of their children as nonindulgent exemplars of righteousness.
He taught:

I have a fervent prayer in my soul, an earnest desire, that when I shall be called to give my last account, to the Judge of the quick and the dead, I may not be chargeable
for the misdeeds of my children. . . .

I have had the joy and satisfaction of knowing, as far as it is possible for me to know, that the Lord has put into the hearts of my children the love of God and the love
of truth. . . . I would to the Lord that every man, who is a father in Israel, could say as much for his children; and why can't they say so much? . . . I want to tell you one
reason why a few of them, at least, can not do it. . . . It is because they love their children with a shallow and unreasonable love. They indulge them to the utmost limit. .
. . If a child of theirs should ask them for a razor or a deadly instrument, figuratively speaking, rather than disappoint the child or deny its request, they would put into its
hand an instrument of destruction. . . . That is what they are doing when they weakly yield to their foolish whims. . . . God forbid that there should be many of us so
unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish
love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them. . . .

. . . The time has come for [parents] to look after their children. Every device possible to the understanding and ingenuity of cunning men, is being used for the purpose
of diverting our children from the faith of the gospel and from the love of the truth. (In Conference Report, October 1909, pp. 3, 4, 5.)

Finally, as parents our divine stewardship is to do all we canshort of anxious manipulation or controlto teach, invite, guide, and persuade our children to be close to our
hearts, love the truth, believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and live happy, moral, responsible lives. To offer our children a parental heart that is loving, right, and pure is
to be a parent kind and dear. It is to be a parent who honors the Spirit of Christ, agency, and the divine lineage of his or her children. Our children are not ours; we do
not own them, nor is it our job to force them to turn out right. With hearts faithful and loving toward our spouses and children, we can create an atmosphere in our
homes that will bless our posterity for generations in this life and in the next. Elder Boyd K. Packer observed:

It is a great challenge to raise a family in the darkening mists of our moral environment.

We emphasize that the greatest work you will do will be within the walls of your home (see Harold B. Lee, in Conference Report, April 1973, p. 130), and that "no
success can compensate for failure in the home" (see David O. McKay, in Conference Report, April 1935, p. 116; quoting J. E. McCulloch, Home: The Savior of
Civilization [Washington D.C.: The Southern Co-operative League, 1924], p. 42).

The measure of our success as parents, however, will not rest solely on how our children turn out. . . .
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"The Prophet Joseph Smith declaredand he never taught a more comforting doctrinethat the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is
upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to
Civilization [Washington D.C.: The Southern Co-operative League, 1924], p. 42).

The measure of our success as parents, however, will not rest solely on how our children turn out. . . .

"The Prophet Joseph Smith declaredand he never taught a more comforting doctrinethat the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is
upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to
come, they will return." (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110.) (In Conference Report, April 1992, p. 94.)

So after all is said and done, when our children return to us it will be because our hearts were right with them, not because we forced them to turn out right. May we all
be so "kind and dear" to our children.

_____

S. Brett Savage is very happily married to the former JaLee Deaton, his college sweetheart ("My life began when I first saw her in class"). They have six childrentwo
sons, four daughters. Brother Savage is currently a management consultant with the Arbinger Company, and is the assistant director of outpatient therapy for the
Anasazi Foundation, a residential treatment program for youth and their families. He has also been a part-time faculty member in the Department of Ancient Scripture
for three years at Brigham Young University. Having received a bachelor's degree in child and family studies from Weber State University and a master's in family life
education from BYU, he is currently a doctoral candidate in theoretical philosophical psychology at the latter institution.

9 Fathering Comments From the Fathered

Douglas E. Brinley

Early family research in the social sciences centered around the impact of mothers on their children and the effect of a mother's employment on marital satisfaction. It
has only been in recent decades that Dad has received much attention in the social sciences as to his importance in the family. That research shows Father to be an
important figure in the lives of his children not only in how he relates to his sons but in how he treats his daughters. Basic research supports what the prophets have long
told usthat a father's influence is very important in his children's lives, especially in such areas as their moral development, academic progress, gender orientation, and
later performance as marriage partners and parents themselves.

I learned the importance of fathers years ago (before abortions were common), when I worked with a number of unwed mothersyoung single girls between the ages of
fourteen and eighteen who were expecting babies. In visiting with them during their final hours before delivery, I learned something about their families, especially their
fathers; how they were treated as daughters; and something of their dads' personalities. Consistently these fathers were not kind, warm, loving fathers who spent much
time with their girls (one reason I was there in their place), and the time that their fathers spent with them was usually in critical and unloving exchanges. Sometimes I felt
that these girls were trying to get back at their fathers in some way for absences or lack of caring. This is not to say that their fathers were solely to blame for their
conditions, but it became evident that these fathers were lacking in some of the practices that President Ezra Taft Benson counseled fathers to do, as we will see. It
became clear that dads with pregnant teens are oftenbut not always, of courseharsh, distant, aloof, busy, uncaring, critical, and impatient, and they generally express
little affection to their daughters. (These negative personality traits can also cause great harm to sons. Insecure boys, those with little or no leadership from a caring and
loving father, are often the ones who impregnate insecure girls who are desperately looking for love.) Good men, strong men, spiritual fathers, are needed to provide
leadership in families so that wives can utilize their own divine gifts and traits as mothers, and children can have and see an example of healthy parents from which they
may gain much-needed experience and maturity for when they create families of their own.

The truth of the following statement became obvious to me as I visited with these young women: "One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love
their mother." Two corollaries of this premise are also important: "One of the greatest things a father can do for his wife is to love their children" and "One of the
greatest things a mother can do for her children is to love their father."

Fathers have a divine commission to provide materially for their families and to provide for their spiritual welfare as well. If they are not wise and careful, men may have
a tendency to put material pursuits ahead of spiritual. A classic illustration of this issue occurred in our own early Church history, when the Lord rebuked the fathers
serving in the First Presidency for their neglect at home. To Frederick G. Williams the Lord said bluntly: "You have not taught your children light and truth, according to
the commandments; and that wicked one hath power, as yet, over you, and this is the cause of your affliction." Then he provided the solution: "If you will be delivered
you shall set in order your own house, for there are many things that are not right in your house." (D&C 93:42-43.) Sidney Rigdon was instructed similarly, "that in
some things [you have] not kept the commandments concerning [your] children; therefore, first set in order thy house" (verse 44). The Prophet did not escape censure,
as the Lord admonished, "Your family must needs repent and forsake some things, and give more earnest heed unto your sayings, or be removed out of their
place" (verse 48). The bishop of the Church was not left unscathed either, as the Lord warned that he "hath need to be chastened, and set in order his family, and see
that they are more diligent and concerned at home, and pray always, or they shall be removed out of their place" (verse 50). Notice that the Lord condemned not the
mothers in these situations but the fathers.

Now, if the leaders of the Church were careless in their family responsibilities and needed a reprimand and a reminder of the magnitude of their callingseven if they felt
justified in spending their time trying to get the fledgling Church off the groundcould not all of us as fathers take a closer look at our leadership and influence at home to
see if our families are "set in order"?

Elder L. Tom Perry in a general conference talk reflected on his own days as a father with young children. He said:

I've often thought of the happy times we had when our family was young and our children were at home. I have made a mental review of those day and considered the
changes I would make in our family organization and administration if we had the opportunity to live that period over again. There are two areas I would determine to
improve if that privilege were granted to me to have young children in our home once again.

The first would be to spend more time as husband and wife in a family executive committee meeting learning, communicating, planning, and organizing to better fulfill our
roles as parents.

The second wish I would like, if I could have those years over, would be to spend more family time. This includes more consistent, meaningful family home evenings.
(In Conference Report, April 1994, p. 49.)

I wrote elsewhere of a father I knew:

Tom was good at making moneyin fact, he was great at it. Tom made sure that his wife and children had every toy and convenience that was available. He took them
on lavish vacations and made sure they ate at the best places. He worked hard at his profession, and when he was home he worked hard to keep the garden and the
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yard in tip-top shape and all the things in the house running smoothly. But his rare moments of relaxation were spent in front of the TV. He felt awkward   with his
children and had little to say to them unless they wanted to work with him side by side in the garden. Even then, he became easily frustrated with their inability to do
things right. When they were small, he said that he didn't know what to say to them, and he would talk to them when they were older. When they were older, they
I wrote elsewhere of a father I knew:

Tom was good at making moneyin fact, he was great at it. Tom made sure that his wife and children had every toy and convenience that was available. He took them
on lavish vacations and made sure they ate at the best places. He worked hard at his profession, and when he was home he worked hard to keep the garden and the
yard in tip-top shape and all the things in the house running smoothly. But his rare moments of relaxation were spent in front of the TV. He felt awkward with his
children and had little to say to them unless they wanted to work with him side by side in the garden. Even then, he became easily frustrated with their inability to do
things right. When they were small, he said that he didn't know what to say to them, and he would talk to them when they were older. When they were older, they
didn't particularly want to talk to him. And he couldn't understand what had gone wrongafter all, hadn't he always given them everything they had needed and wanted?

He had given them everythingeverything except what they really needed. Unfortunately, it is a common experience in counseling interviews to find that fathers are often
negligent and somewhat insensitive to the needs of their family members. It is often easier for them to give their money and advice than their time and interest. They
often struggle to know how to lead out as the family head. (Toward a Celestial Marriage [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1986], pp. 162-63.)

So the world needs fathers who are not just breadwinners, not just men who keep the fridge full or pay the bills, but men who will influence their young sons and
daughters to rise up and be responsible and trustworthy men and women of God. Will not every one of us fathers have to account someday for the way we carried out
our high and holy calling?

President Ezra Taft Benson a few years ago counseled men on their fathering responsibilities (see Conference Report, October 1987, pp. 59-63). He included
practical things that every father can do to be more effective. Following his ten suggestions does not require any training in family science or a Ph.D. in psychology.
They are simple things that all fathers can do, and they can be done now. I have presented his ten points below with comments from students at Brigham Young
University whose fathers did as the prophet suggested.1

1. "Give father's blessings to your children." A worthy father in the Church holds the priesthood, a power entrusted to him to organize and bless the members of his little
kingdom; to administer ordinances at birth, baptism, and confirmation; and to confer priesthood offices on his sons. That is a right and privilege of every righteous
father. Emily recalled her experiences:

Father's blessings have definitely been the spiritual highlights in my life and have brought me to love and respect the priesthood. I have many times needed and
requested a father's blessing, especially in the past few years when life has become so complicated. I remember one experience in particular when I was struggling with
a lot of questions and uncertainties. I asked my dad for a blessing and then went and told my Heavenly Father what I was struggling with and asked that he might use
my father as a vessel to tell me what my Father in Heaven would have me do. How thankful I am for a worthy earthly father who is worthy of his priesthood and listens
to the Spirit! In that blessing he touched on everything that I was worried about, and more. How blessed I am to have two very loving fathers who, working together,
help me get through the challenges of life. (Emphasis in original.)

Jessica, whose father works on campus, talked about her feelings when her dad gave her a blessing:

I read [about father's blessings] and it hit me really hard, right dead in the center of my heart. I have had a really tough two weeks, and this coming week I have three
midterms. I gave my dad a call at about 11:30 this morning and left him a message on his answering machine that I wanted a blessing. He will go into shock when he
hears it, because he has always been the instigator of blessings throughout my life. I am really glad he has the authority to give me a blessing, because I know it will help
me finish out this semester in a positive way.

Jamie recalled blessings from her early years:

When I was younger my dad always gave me blessings before he traveled out of town and when I left for a week for summer camp or visiting in the summer, but I did
not realize the significance of a father's blessing until I was a junior in high school. I was on the drill team my sophomore and junior years of high school. My sophomore
year drill team was a wonderful experience. My junior year was the opposite. The team members were very competitive with one another, and I did not have many
opportunities to perform because my advisor decided to keep girls in the routines even though they had violated serious drill team rules. She didn't follow her own rules
or play fair, and this was hard for me to accept. I came home after school every day and cried for hours. The comfort I received at this time came from a blessing my
dad gave me.

I remember one really hard day my mom called him and told him I was home crying again. He came home early from work that afternoon and asked me if I would like
a father's blessing. I don't remember exactly what he said in that blessing, but I will never forget the power of his priesthood and the love he radiated to me at this time.
I had never asked for a father's blessing before this time, but this opened the door for many more opportunities. Now I often ask my dad for a father's blessing, and he
is always willing and worthy to give me one. I go home many weekends and ask him for a blessing so I can get through another week of school. We are told that we
are given adversity to grow.

My dad is now my best friend. The power of the priesthood is so incredible. I often take it for granted that my dad is a worthy priesthood holder, but his example has
influenced me. I want this power in my home, and for this reason I will only date young men who honor their priesthood. You marry who you date, and for this reason I
will not even take the chance of falling in love with someone who cannot bring the power of the priesthood into my home. My dad has many roles, but his sacred calling
as a father in Israel is the most important to me, and I will never forget his example.

2. "Personally direct family prayers, daily scripture reading, and weekly family home evenings." Dad has the responsibility to see that certain rituals and traditions take
place in the home. Circumstances may not always be ideal, but here's how these practices made Stacy feel:

At the beginning of every school year my father gives all of us children a father's blessing. He holds family home evening and family prayer on a regular basis. I know
there have been times when the family has not cooperated like my father would have liked us to, but I think that's part of having family home evening! I remember while
living in Japan as a small girl my father would take me on dates to the officer's club. I loved spending time with my dad. My dad also made sure we went on some kind
of vacation each year, whether it was driving across the country to Utah, traveling to a different country, going to the beach, or visiting a historical site. Through these
trips our family has grown very close. I think it's healthy to spend time away from the stresses that work, callings, and housework bring to a home.

My father brings spiritual strength and direction to our family. He always serves faithfully in his Church callings and shows us the importance of serving the Lord. Yet
even with the tremendous responsibilities of a stake president, he always makes time for our family. After long days of traveling to small branches on the outskirts of the
stake, Dad comes home for family home evening.

Amanda remembers her dad this way:

My father has always honored his priesthood as head of the household. He is a great example to me. He led family prayer every morning and night and family home
evening every Sunday and Monday night. He counseled with my mother and always avoided debt. He taught us children through example the things that we should do.
He  has a great
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children's activities.

Tressa recalled her father in this way:
Amanda remembers her dad this way:

My father has always honored his priesthood as head of the household. He is a great example to me. He led family prayer every morning and night and family home
evening every Sunday and Monday night. He counseled with my mother and always avoided debt. He taught us children through example the things that we should do.
He has a great job that allows my mother to stay home and him to still provide well for the family. He is home as often as possible and also attends many of the
children's activities.

Tressa recalled her father in this way:

Dad wasn't always as verbal with his love, although he learned to express himself over the years. My relationship with my father was one of the most special things that
I remember from my childhood. Both of my parents were two of my best friends, but I guess because fathers aren't usually portrayed as being loving people, I really
appreciated my dad.

Growing up, I was always "Daddy's little girl." He took me to the hardware store, I tagged along to the lumberyard, I watched him work on the cars, and he always
welcomed my sometimes unhelpful presence. My dad loved me and taught me the way to travel in this life. At the beginning of each school year he gave me a father's
blessing where he conveyed to me what my Heavenly Father wanted me to know. It was at times like that my dad put into practice what he had always taught me. He
respected his priesthood, and respected and revered my mother for the role that she played in our home. If there is one thing that I want my home to be like, it would
resemble that of my parents' home. I remember many of our family home evenings, and I'm sure my dad was not happy about the way some of them progressed, but I
love him for bringing us together.

3. "Whenever possible, attend Church meetings together as a family." In many families Dad may be in the bishopric, serve on the high council, or be involved in another
capacity that does not allow him to be with his family at all church meetings. But where possible, it is important to be a churchgoing family. Besides, Mom could use the
help with the little ones.

Jessica recalled her feelings about what it meant to have her father and mother active in the Church:

The most influential thing my parents have ever done for me was showing me they love the Church. I had my rebellious moments in junior high and high school. My
parents would give me an option when I didn't want to go to church. I could stay home and clean or I could go to church. I chose church. I remained active throughout
this time. As I look back, though, I remember my mom telling me how much she loves the Church. I never understood why until this summer. I attended church about
four times between April and August. I missed church so much. I suddenly realized how much I really love the Church, but it wasn't until I couldn't go that I realized it. I
love my parents for helping me learn to love the Church, because now I appreciate it more than I ever imagined possible.

4. "Go on daddy-daughter dates and father-and-sons' outings with your children." Many fathers have trouble keeping children a high priority in their lives. It is important
for Dad to spend individual time with each one. Barry felt this way:

The last three or four years I've begun to see my parents in a new light. I see their love and dedication and realize all they've done in my life. Since I was in diapers we
haven't missed a father-sons' outing except for the time I was on my mission. From the time I was only ten or eleven, I remember working with my dad. I'm sure I
wasn't a great help and maybe even a hindrance at times, but from all the yard work, roofing, and office work I've learned responsibility and gained an appreciation for
hard work in order to meet my needs.

Interviews with my father are a part of my childhood memories, as are father's blessings. Often my father will tell us all that we don't have any traditions; we just do the
same thing every year. I really look forward to the same thing every year! We've always sat as a family at church even though we never all got there at the same time,
but we were always there. Not going to church wasn't an option in our family, so now to not go to church would confuse my system so much I'd probably end up
thinking it was Saturday again and go to church instead of school on Monday.

5. "Build traditions of family vacations and trips and outings." Children remember travel and vacations. When you ask college students what they remember most from
their growing up years, they will often indicate that trips and outings they took as a family were the most memorable. Listen to Richard:

I see many things that my parents did to help in my learning and growth. My most cherished moments are of my father taking two young, questioning boys fishing and
watching them systematically destroy his poles and his tackle, while he taught some of the more important lessons in life: patience, sharing, respect, and hard work. I
remember my mother giving summer school to us kids and taking five noisy, quarreling children on fieldtrips to local museums and monuments, and teaching lessons that
not many children received. We were truly blessed by our parents.

Jennifer remembered it this way:

I am reminded of all the many things my father has done for me. From as early as I can remember, he was there for me. When I decided while living in Alaska that I
was going to build an igloo, Dad was there to help and laugh with me when the icy clump of snow fell right on top of my head. When in elementary school in Alabama,
my father was always the first parent to volunteer for chaperoning. I do not remember a school trip that I took without my father present. After we moved to Floridain
fact, to my father's hometownI became a cheerleader for our high school. Nothing can compare to the pride that my father felt towards me as I rooted my team on to
victories on the same grass that my father had "bled and sweat" on thirty-some odd years earlier as a star football player. That place became "our field"filled with
separate memories of happiness, exhilaration, and heartbreak, and also shared memories like my father being my escort to the homecoming court and watching my
graduation ceremonies from the bleachers.

Paula said:

My parents have always made each one of their children feel like they are their favorite. Being affectionate with us is one way our mother showed she loved us. I
remember as a child we were always to go in to our parents' bedroom and kiss them good-night. This was my favorite part of the day. Oftentimes I'd score a back
scratch from my dad, or my mom would let me hide under the covers so I wouldn't have to leave.

I think the best way my mother and I showed we loved each other was by having fun together. I remember one year in early fall I missed class one day; I don't quite
remember why now. My mom and I went to Lake Meridian about ten minutes away, a popular duck feeding area for our family. Well, this time we were there we
noticed some water lilies skimming the surface of the lake. They were so beautiful that we wanted to take some home. You can imagine who was volunteered to go
wading. My mom handed me a rake and I started out. She laughed as I screeched in the cold Washington water. I never let her forget my sacrifice of retrieving her
precious lilies. But I think she knew that I secretly loved it, just because we did it together.

My father is one of the constants in my life. He is my rock, and I am forever indebted to his unselfishness and constant unconditional love. I hope that my future
husband will show as much interest in our children's lives as my father did in mine.
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6. "Have regular one-on-one visits with your children." Spend time with each of your children, whether it be a formal interview or a time of counseling, expressing love
and affection, consoling, or providing encouragement. Here is one young woman's feelings about the time her dad spent with her:
precious lilies. But I think she knew that I secretly loved it, just because we did it together.

My father is one of the constants in my life. He is my rock, and I am forever indebted to his unselfishness and constant unconditional love. I hope that my future
husband will show as much interest in our children's lives as my father did in mine.

6. "Have regular one-on-one visits with your children." Spend time with each of your children, whether it be a formal interview or a time of counseling, expressing love
and affection, consoling, or providing encouragement. Here is one young woman's feelings about the time her dad spent with her:

This year my dad and I have talked more than ever before. I don't see him very often, but we try to have lunch together once a week. When we are together, we talk
about everything ranging from family reunions to my dad's wardrobe. It's not so much the conversations we have that mean a lot, but the fact that we're together means
so much to me. I learn more information from the conversations with him than I learn in a semester of school.

Julie shared the impact her father had on her:

Just before I turned eight, I learned about what would happen at my baptism. I've always been a little wary of new things and change, and so I was nervous about my
upcoming baptism. My father took time to go over how the ordinance would be performed and made sure I was comfortable with what to do with my hands and when
to hold my breath. I was terrified that my father would make a mistake and my baptism wouldn't work. My father looked into my little scared eyes and said, "I won't
make a mistake, because the Lord won't let me." The fear left me and I remember my baptism being a wonderful moment highlighted by the fact that my father wouldn't
let me down.

Carter shared his recollection of earlier times with his dad:

My dad believed in having those one-on-one times with all of us. I have four brothers, and my dad took time to be with and support all of us. Some of my very best
memories as a kid are of fishing with my dad. We used to go to Moses Lake, Washington, and fish at the Pot Holes. The Pot Holes are a series of lakes that were
created when the Grand Coulee dam was built. We spent every Thanksgiving morning there fishing with my brothers. Sometimes we didn't catch a lot of fish, but we
sure found a lot of time to talk. I learned that my dad loved me and I loved him too.

7. "Teach your children to work, and show them the value of working toward a worthy goal." Derral talked about a project he and his dad did together:

I really enjoyed [President Benson's] talk to fathers because I could relate to some of the suggestions he gave there. The one that stands out in my mind is to teach your
kids to work. My father and I did countless projects around the home together, with the most memorable being the basketball court. For us to put up our court it was
necessary to haul out twenty-seven pickup-loads of dirt. This took many hours and quite a few weeks. When my father would come home from work, we would eat
and immediately it was into the grubbies and work in the backyard to start digging. It entailed quite a process. We had to remove a section of the fence so we could
back the truck into the yard and make it easier to wheelbarrow the dirt into the truck. Once the truck was full it also had to be unloaded. At times the calloused hands
and aching back didn't seem worth it, but finally we had our court.

I will never forget the many hours we spent side by side discussing life and the gospel. I learned more than just a good work ethic; I learned a lot about my dad and I
grew really close to him. It will always be something we can look back on and see the fruits of our labors, and the stronger ties that now bind our relationship are
impossible to break.

Stacy recalled her father's work ethic:

My parents have always taught us kids to be hard workers, and that you will not get very far in life if you rely on others and can't be self-sufficient. My parents are very
hard workers and have been very blessed for their efforts. My father is a very intelligent man. He has been a very good example to me and has been my hero. I want to
marry someone just like my father, and, well, I am still looking. My father has taken his responsibilities in the Church very seriously, and he is not the type to do
anything half-heartedly or mediocre. My mother is the same way and has stood by my father and supported him not only in his Church callings but in his career also.

8. "Encourage good music and art and literature in your homes." Too often television becomes our sole form of home entertainment, and while there is some excellent
programming on public education channels or the Discovery Channel, much of what is shown is damaging to our spirituality. I like this counsel of President Gordon B.
Hinckley in the April 1995 general conference: "The Lord will hold you responsible for your children. . . . I am suggesting that we spend a little less time in idleness, in
the fruitless pursuit of watching some inane and empty television programs. Time so utilized can be put to better advantage, and the consequences will be wonderful. Of
that I do not hesitate to assure you." (In Conference Report, April 1995, p. 118.)

When you live near a college or university there are many opportunities to attend plays, musical concerts, and band performances that can inspire children in the musical
or dramatic fields. Reading good books ought to be a tradition in our homes. Stacy wrote of her memories:

My parents have encouraged us to listen to good music. I grew up listening to singers such as Billy Joel, the Kingston Trio, and the Carpenters. We always sang in the
car whether it was on our way home from church or on family trips. My parents encouraged us to play the piano and other instruments during our school years.

John shared his feelings about music in his home:

Music in our home was what is now called "elevator music." But I don't care. I never did like the loud, raucous music of my friends. I remember my mom and dad
talking to us about music early on, and all of us kids learned to play an instrument or two. I ended up on the piano and the bass. I didn't especially like the lessons at the
time, but my dad insisted, and luckily I was obedient. Now I am glad they insisted, for music is one of the highlights of my lifegood music, that is. My mom encouraged
me with treats when I finished practicing. That probably got me through it. Now, of course, I take pride in my performances, and it has become a source of self-esteem
and joy for me.

And Emily shared this touching experience:

My dad has always encouraged good music in our home, even though he may not excel in that area. But one of my fondest memories is when he would rock me to
sleep or just sit by my bed and sing "Angel Lullaby." As a small child it soothed my fears and made me feel safe and secure to know that my heavenly friends were
watching over me while I slept. Well, years passed, and this "little" girl grew to the age of nineteen. One night I was feeling the weight of the world in my heart and as
scared as a little girl in the dark. So I finally put aside my pride and called my daddy into the room. "Dad, will you sing the song for me?" I can't express the calm and
peace I felt as my dad's beautiful voice sang quietly those familiar words. As you might guess, "Angel Lullaby" will be one of the first songs my children will hear.

9. "As distances allow, regularly attend the temple with your wife." What better way could parents teach the value of a temple marriage and the importance of
ordinances than by making the temple a priority in their lives, ensuring that the children are interested in the Lord's house? Jill recalled her feelings about her folks going
toCopyright
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peace I felt as my dad's beautiful voice sang quietly those familiar words. As you might guess, "Angel Lullaby" will be one of the first songs my children will hear.

9. "As distances allow, regularly attend the temple with your wife." What better way could parents teach the value of a temple marriage and the importance of
ordinances than by making the temple a priority in their lives, ensuring that the children are interested in the Lord's house? Jill recalled her feelings about her folks going
to the temple:

My parents have always quietly fulfilled their callings and gone to the temple. I never really noticed, but I see their example now and realize how it shaped my life as I
was growing up.

James remembered his parents leaving the children to serve in the temple:

There were many times that my parents left my older sister in charge while they went to the temple to do work for family members they had researched on their own. I
guess I never felt neglected over it, because they explained how they had found names from our family in the library and what it meant to those relatives to have their
work done for them. We had many lessons on the temple in our home besides their going frequently. Maybe that is why I always looked forward to going to the temple
myself. When the Bountiful Temple was open for visitors, I was the first to want to go, and now I understand why the temple was so important to my parents. You can
be sure that it is important in my life too.

10. "Have your children see your joy and satisfaction in service to the Church." Church callings can take a great deal of time if we do them well. Care must be taken,
however, not to replace our families with Church service! Family life is our first priority. We will have plenty of opportunities to serve others, and often with our children
or as a family. Our children can learn the importance of giving service and yet not feel neglected or rebel against the Church because it occupies much of our time. Jared
felt this way about an active father who kept the priority of being a father first in his life:

One of the things that has been really defining of my father is his demeanor. I have never ever heard my father curse. To me this is a great source of strength because
my father is my greatest living example of how to live a good Latter-day Saint life. Having had such a good example to follow makes making all the little decisions in life
all that much easier. When I catch myself doing things that I saw other men do and swore to myself that I would never do these same things, I am even more thankful
for a righteous father who has lived the gospel of Jesus Christ every single day that I have lived. I will forever be in the debt of my father for showing me the way that
Christ would have lived had he been here on earth today.

If I could only say one thing about my dad, it would be that he was always there for me. When I felt that the world was against me as a young ten-year old and felt a
lack of love from my brothers and sisters, Dad was the reason that I could not run away in haste. Dad has always been the silent motivator in my life. When we'd win a
game and I thought I played poorly, Dad always comforted me. My father was there at every single game that I played. I know it was a sacrifice to make some of the
two- and three-hour trips each way, but somehow he did it. I could count on him to be waiting outside the locker room to give me his impressions of how well I had
played. His being there would not have been nearly as special to me unless you realize that I am the second of eleven children, and Dad has worked two full-time jobs
since I was a baby. There was always something else that he could have been doing, but he chose to be my biggest fan and has been for the other ten as well.

I think that the single most sad day of my life will be the day that my father passes away. He has been so much more than just a man to me. He has been a soother of
temper, spiritual leader, greatest fan, finest example, community leader, and uncompromising on values. If I end up being half the father that my dad is and has been to
me, then I can consider my life a success. I never could be able to tell him quite how he has touched my life and spirit, and changed my life for the better. Maybe the
best way I could show him how much he means to me would be by living a life like he has led and striving to be the type of person that he believes I can become.

Another Jared, whose father had passed away, shared this:

At the same time of his death, Dad was fulfilling his role as a father. He worked very hard to be able to provide for our family, but he did not forget us in the meantime.
My dad was always with us in the evenings and on the weekends. He made any excuse he could to be with his family. He taught us to respect our mother. He
protected her from anyone and everyone. She was and is his jewel. I think the greatest thing that Dad taught us by his actions is that families are forever. We didn't even
know what divorce was until we were teenagers, and even then we didn't believe that it actually happened. My parents were married for nineteen years before my dad
passed away, and in those nineteen years I did not once hear my mom and dad fightthey wouldn't even raise their voices with each other. All differences were lovingly
talked out with the benefit of the other in mind.

Our home life truly was joyful. We would all get on our "grubbies" and work in the yard and garden on Saturdays. Before family night on Mondays Dad would mow
the lawn, Mom would rake the grass, and we children would put the grass clippings in a garbage bag. Dad always made us feel good. He let us help him even when all
we did was slow him down. He was very funny too. He taught us to enjoy life. His life was filled with sacrifice for his family and for others. His Church callings took up
a lot of his time, which made him work even harder to be able to spend the time he wanted to with Mom and us. He had his life in such order when he died that my
mom could continue being Mom at home and not have to go to work. It was his very teachings and faith that kept us all going when he was killed. We know now more
than ever that families are forever.

When you read the sentiments of these young men and women, it is comforting to know that there are great marriages and great fathers who care for their children in
such a way as to instill in the hearts of their offspring a love for the gospel. They provide wonderful examples for their children to follow. No doubt these students with
such powerful models in their lives will be able to succeed in their own marriages and family relations. My hope is that by seeing what children value in their parents, you
and I will be inspired to be better fathers; we will provide experiences for our children that will help them to be valiant in their testimonies and, just as important, to
implement in their lives the principles of the gospel in order to fulfill their divine destiny in their future challenging but rewarding roles of husband and father, wife and
mother. If we can, surely Zion will prosper and our eternal goal of forever families will be achieved.

_____

Douglas E. Brinley earned bachelor's and master's degrees in economics from Utah State University and a Ph.D. in family studies from Brigham Young University. He
served as the director of several LDS institutes of religion. He is presently an associate professor on the Religious Education faculty at BYU. He served as mission
president in Dallas, Texas. He and his wife, Geri, are the parents of six children.

10 Mothering Comments From the Mothered

Douglas E. Brinley

Abraham Lincoln once said, "The greatest book I ever read, you ask me? My mother." What more exciting and challenging roles could come to a woman than to be a
wife and mother in the final winding-up days of this dispensation before the Second Coming? To be the mother of the best spirits currently being sent to the earth in
these latter days?1

 Copyright
The          (c) 2005-2009,
    finest treatise          InfobaseofMedia
                    on the importance        Corp. was issued by the First Presidency years ago while World War II was raging. Their counsel has proven
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prophetic:
Abraham Lincoln once said, "The greatest book I ever read, you ask me? My mother." What more exciting and challenging roles could come to a woman than to be a
wife and mother in the final winding-up days of this dispensation before the Second Coming? To be the mother of the best spirits currently being sent to the earth in
these latter days?1

The finest treatise on the importance of motherhood was issued by the First Presidency years ago while World War II was raging. Their counsel has proven to be
prophetic:

Motherhood [is] a holy calling, a sacred dedication for carrying out the Lord's plans, a consecration of devotion to the uprearing and fostering, the nurturing in body,
mind, and spirit, of those who kept their first estate and who come to this earth for their second estate "to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God
shall command them" (Abr. 3:25). To lead them to keep their second estate is the work of motherhood. . . .

This divine service of motherhood can be rendered only by mothers. It may not be passed to others. Nurses cannot do it; public nurseries cannot do it; hired help
cannot do itonly mother, aided as much as may be by the loving hands of father, brothers, and sisters, can give the full needed measure of watchful care.

The mother who entrusts her child to the care of others, that she may do non-motherly work, whether for gold, for fame, or for civic service, should remember that "a
child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Prov. 29:15). In our day the Lord has said that unless parents teach their children the doctrines of the Church "the sin
be upon the heads of the parents" (D&C 68:25).

Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels. (In
Conference Report, October 1942, pp. 11-13.)

This inspired counsel came at a time when many mothers had left home to work in manufacturing plants while husbands and sons were in far-off climes battling to
preserve our nation's way of life. However, the First Presidency, with prophetic power, counseled that the loss of our mothers from our homes could affect the rising
generation in ways much more adverse and damaging than the war itself. The employment of women seemed to be justified when German and Japanese forces were
relentlessly seeking to destroy us. However, the Lord's servants warned publicly that dire consequences lay immediately ahead if Mother neglected her more important
post. Their prophecy, by any measure used, has come to pass. At this present day people have become so used to mothers working out of the home that in many
circles mothers are almost embarrassed to admit they stay at home with their children. Our "liberated" society has encouraged women to leave home to do "non-
motherly" duties. We have done, in fact, what the First Presidency asked us not to do. With the benefit of hindsight, we now can see the wisdom of the Lord's servants.
"I know of no better testimony that we are led by prophets," said President Boyd K. Packer, confirming the wisdom of the First Presidency, "than our preparation for
this present emergency" (in Conference Report, April 1994, p. 24). And "no voice," he reminded us, "from any organization of the Church on any level of administration
equals that of the First Presidency" (in Conference Report, October 1993, p. 30).

The Lord was saying to us that without Mother's steady influence to bless the lives of her children, this generation is in great danger of destruction. Of course, there are
mothers who must work to support their families; cases exist where a husband is incapacitated and the wife is needed to carry that role. But the counsel of the prophets
has been consistent in teaching us that such an arrangement is not the ideal and that we should return to the Lord's program when possible and as quickly as we can. It
is as though the Lord were saying: "The modern challenges to your way of life, to all that you hold dear today and in the coming days, can best be met by strong
mothers who rear their children with a sense of destiny and missionthat mission being to bring souls to Christ by taking the gospel to the world, perfecting the Saints,
and performing research and temple work for the dead. If you do not follow this counsel, you may be overwhelmed by the evils of the day. Rearing righteous children
for the enormous tasks they will face can best be done by mothers who are not preoccupied with non-motherly activities, which principally involve acquiring greater
material possessions."2

The Brethren have not left us without counsel on how to become more effective mothers. Excellent and specific helps to be better parents have been given by all of our
latter-day prophets. I would like to stress in this chapter an address by President Ezra Taft Benson titled "To the Mothers in Zion" (Come, Listen to a Prophet's Voice
[Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1990], pp. 25-37). Toward the end of his remarks he gave mothers ten practical suggestions to assist them in their sacred callings.
I believe that if mothers were to implement these inspired suggestions, they would improve relationships with their offspring, hasten the establishment of Zion, and
provide the world with a model for motherhood that would be the envy of mothers everywhere regardless of church affiliation or membership. As Latter-day Saints, we
are called to rear a generation of young peopleAbraham's seedwho not only love their Heavenly Father and their families but all of mankind as well, because they are
under covenant to carry the message of the Restoration to the far-flung reaches of the world (see Abr. 2:8-11). President Benson's counsel can help mothers
accomplish this important task.

My purpose here will be to share with you what young men and women attending Brigham Young University had to say about their mothers' influence on them in their
formative years as it related to President Benson's counsel.3

Ten Suggestions From President Ezra Taft Benson to Mothers

1. "Be at the crossroads." President Benson counseled mothers to be at home when children leave and return from school, dates, and other activities. Mothers can do
so much to build confidence and stability in the lives of their children! Carol shared her experiences:

When [the prophets] talk about the mother's role in the home, I just get tingles all over. I grew up in a home where my mother did not work away from us. We needed
extra money badly, so she baby-sat a little, but that way she was there for us. It was rare when we would get home from school to find her gone. I had such a
wonderful example of motherhood my entire life, and I am very thankful for that because as I am being faced with starting a family of my own, I want to raise them the
way my mother raised me.

Marie lamented what she missed growing up:

I never had any of the family values that President Benson talks about in his discussions on parenting. I was a latchkey kid from the time I was seven years old. In fact, I
was so young that my parents didn't want me to have the responsibility of having a house key to lose somewhere at school, so they made me crawl through the doggy
door until a few years later when I could no longer fit through. Real funny, huh? I didn't have a mother there after school to make sure I got a good, healthy snack to eat
and to make sure that I got to swim practice on time. That's one thing I wish I'd had while growing up:

Another student made this observation of what happened to the younger children when her mother decided to seek employment out of the home:

My mother has been a great mother. While I was growing up she was always there. She did all she could for us and taught us many things. I loved having her there.
About three or four years ago she started going to work. This has had a big influence on my family. I see the things that my little brother and sister are getting away with
and the trouble they are getting into. My sister now thinks she is exempt from every rule and that she can do anything she wants to. She is always arguing with my
mother, and if Mom says no, she does it anyway. My little brother watches TV or plays Nintendo for most of the day. He doesn't listen to anyone, and if he gets mad
he just tries to beat everyone up. He is quite successful at it too. It has been frustrating at home, and I don't think anyone is happy about it. I know that I am not. I never
realized
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my parents could read it and see what they have missed.

From Paula:
About three or four years ago she started going to work. This has had a big influence on my family. I see the things that my little brother and sister are getting away with
and the trouble they are getting into. My sister now thinks she is exempt from every rule and that she can do anything she wants to. She is always arguing with my
mother, and if Mom says no, she does it anyway. My little brother watches TV or plays Nintendo for most of the day. He doesn't listen to anyone, and if he gets mad
he just tries to beat everyone up. He is quite successful at it too. It has been frustrating at home, and I don't think anyone is happy about it. I know that I am not. I never
realized how much it meant to have my mother there when I came home from school or activities or playing with my friends. I wish he had given this talk earlier so that
my parents could read it and see what they have missed.

From Paula:

One thing that made an impression on me, though I didn't have an appreciation for it at the time, was that my mom was always there! She was there when I woke up,
when I came home from school, and when I went to bed. Sure, there were exceptions when it couldn't be helped, but even then she made her best effort to be home
when we came walking through the door.

I remember one instance when my mother wasn't home when I returned from school. My best friendwhose parents were also goneand I decided to try something
daring. We were going to climb onto her roofsomething irresponsible and foolish. Well, we were feeling pretty adventuresome until the mean lady who lived on the
street saw us and told us to get down before we killed ourselves. I thought she was going to tell on me for sure! I ran home as fast as my ten-year-old legs could carry
me and didn't leave the house until I saw our familiar Ford pull into the driveway. My mother could tell I was upset, and I did like almost any child that thought she was
in for it would doI told the truth! Well, one version of it anyway. She seemed especially concerned about how sensitive and nervous I was about being left to sit in the
house by myself until [my parents] returned. The mean lady next door never did tell her, but needless to say, after my acting job my mom made an extra effort to be
home before I was.

Amanda shared her mother's strengths:

Growing up, my mother was always home taking care of the children, helping with homework; cooking; carpooling; attending recitals, tennis matches, baseball, softball,
soccer, basketball, and badminton games, performances, award ceremonies, you name it. She was always there supporting us children, and any award we received
was the direct result of her encouragement and persistence. My mother is a graduate from BYU and also has her teaching credentials, but she chose to stay home with
the children and teach them how to live in accordance with our Heavenly Father's plan.

I remember when I was almost eight years old and the only one my age in my ward. They kept putting me with the seven- or nine-year-olds during Primary, so I wasn't
getting any of the baptism lessons I should have been receiving. After several weeks of complaints by my mother, she finally asked the bishop to release her as part of
the Relief Society presidency and give her the calling of teaching my Primary class, even if I was the only one that age. It was important to her that I received the
knowledge I needed before my baptism. Her children always came first.

Julie felt this way about her mom:

My mother has done everything a good mother should do. She has been a pillar in my life. I hope to follow in her footsteps and be as good as she has been for me. My
mother has always been at the crossroads for me. Every time I arrived home, no matter what time, my mother was waiting for me. I looked forward to this time
because she always wanted to know how I felt. What did I learn in school? How did that math test go? Was the dance as fun as I hoped it would be? Even now, my
mother is at the crossroads and welcomes me home after a week away at college.

2. "Be a real friend," someone with whom your children can share all that has happened during the day. Excited, exuberant children generally talk when they are young,
but unless they have a tradition of sharing with Mom or Dad in their youth, it may not carry over into their later years. Hear Leanne:

I remember coming home from school and having my mother there to listen to the excitement or disasters of the day. I also remember the few days that she wasn't
home when I got home with something great to tell her. I was so disappointed that I would have to wait even longer to tell her that I considered punishing her by not
telling her at all! Even now, in college, I find myself saying, "I can't wait to tell Mom! or Dad!" My phone bill is really hurting!

I know from my own experience that there is no more important place for a woman to be than at home with her children. My mom has spent the last twenty-five years
at home taking care of us kids, and she has about another twenty to go before the last one will be gone. She has always been there when we came home from school,
work, or dates. She has always been there when we were upset, angry, sad, happy, or just needed someone to talk to. We always knew where we could find her. Our
family has made many sacrifices and gone without the nicest, newest things rather than have a double income, but the benefits and blessings of always having a mom
around have been worth it. (But I wouldn't be surprised if there have been several times she has wanted to escape to work somewhere just to get away from all of us
kids.) I pray that when the time comes for me to be a mother that I'll be able to stay at home with my family also.

Justin had these comments to make:

Perhaps [my mom's] greatest asset to us was being a true friend. She took time to listen and share our lives. We could share with her our ambitions, fears, hopes, and
desires without her getting upset. We liked to do things with her and she even liked our music. One thing I always loved was that she always let me drive when we went
somewhere. In return, we were her friends. We did small acts of service constantly that would nurture our relationship. This does not go to say that we were continually
without any quarrels, but those times were rare and handled well. One of my fondest memories was at the farewell for my mission. Perhaps the most touching thing she
said then was that I was not just her son but her friend. Of all the friends who have come and gone, my mother has outlasted them all.

Molly expressed the feelings she had about her parents while she was growing and maturing:

Despite what I viewed as a hopelessly unfair childhood, I am very grateful for the guidance and care my parents took in raising us. Our family operated a bit differently
than other families. When we went to church we didn't get to read books, sit on the floor, or fall asleep; we had to sit attentively and listen to the sacrament speakers.
We got good grades in school and always looked our best. Most of our ingrained good behavior came from my mom. She was always there, especially when we
needed her. She wasn't the kind to make us cookies and play soccer with us in the backyard; instead, she taught us to sing, value hard work, play the piano, and have
self-confidence and respect. She used any moment she could as a teaching moment, and her consistency helped us gain our own incentives to choose the right. Many
rulessuch as no TV on Sunday, check-in by 10:30, Monday night reserved for family night, and many others established earlydidn't give us much room to experiment
and "learn from mistakes." I will never forget the saying: "Zartocks don't do that." As a teenager, I felt that many of these restrictions were unnecessary. But now I am a
person who wants to steer clear of anything questionable. In fact, I am pleased when I think of my family's standards. None of us has ever sworn, seen an R-rated film,
had problems with immorality, or been so caught up in worldly fun that we compromised our integrity.

Together my mother and father would give us counsel and tell me how I needed to change my life and attitude. My father is a great example in many ways. He shared
time with us on family outings and vacations and most often on Saturdays when we worked in the yard and cleaned the house.

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been on restriction or punished unjustly. There is a respect in our home for our parents. I hope that I may one day raise my children as my parents have raised me.

3. "Read to your children." The value of this suggestion is twofold: it is an opportunity to build relationships sitting side by side and to share great ideas and adventures
Together my mother and father would give us counsel and tell me how I needed to change my life and attitude. My father is a great example in many ways. He shared
time with us on family outings and vacations and most often on Saturdays when we worked in the yard and cleaned the house.

I think growing up I never wanted to disappoint my parents in any way. My parents have been stern with us and have laid down certain guidelines, but never have I
been on restriction or punished unjustly. There is a respect in our home for our parents. I hope that I may one day raise my children as my parents have raised me.

3. "Read to your children." The value of this suggestion is twofold: it is an opportunity to build relationships sitting side by side and to share great ideas and adventures
that come from books. Justin wrote of his experience:

Another aspect President Benson mentioned was reading the scriptures with children. That is how I learned how to read. I remember being very young and, upon
learning how to read the word the, asking what it meant. It set a pattern in my life that is positive and has benefitted me greatly. I owe much to my mother, who
nurtured, taught, and loved me. Her influence upon me and all her children was great. If we could have more mothers like her, the work of the Lord would roll forward
at a quickened pace.

Here's what Jessica remembers from her youth:

When I was very young I was an only child for a while, and my parents had lots of time to read to me. When I wasn't outside playing or helping my dad in the garden,
someone was reading to me. We wore out my books. They would read so much during the day that by bedtime I didn't want any more stories. When I was old enough
to read by myself, I devoured books. I read so many books that one of the librarians at the local library had my library card number memorized.

One of my favorite reading memories took place when I was around eight years old. Both my father and I were home sick from school one day (Dad is a teacher). I
climbed in bed with him and he read to me all day. He read The Clue in the Crumbling Wall, a Nancy Drew mystery. That day made a profound impact on me. I still
remember the name of the book and its storyline. It was the greatest sick day ever!

4. "Pray with your children." How wonderful to hear children (and later, grandchildren) pour out their feelings to their Heavenly Father as they have learned to pray in
the family circle. Because Mom is there to make sure prayers are offered, she has a wonderful opportunity to teach her children how to pray effectively. Roger related
his experience:

My father would come over from the barn for family prayer every morning at 7:00 a.m. before we left for school. We'd also have family prayer together kneeling down
in the new room Dad and we boys built on. I loved to hear my mother pray. I think she had a special link to the heavens.

Jamie shared this experience in prayer with her mother:

My mother never missed an opportunity to pray with us children. When we fell down and hurt ourselves, or we were angry with her over some trivial thing, she would
kneel with us and ask Heavenly Father to soften us, or heal us, or help our spirits grow. I learned that there is a Heavenly Father from my mom's pleadings with him.
They were answered too. I remember one time we asked God to help me find a button I had lost from my dress, my favorite dress. I was crying and crying when my
mom suggested that we kneel down and ask Heavenly Father where it might be. He will know, she told me. As soon as we said "Amen," I remembered putting it in the
pocket of the outfit I was wearing at the time. I ran to my closet, and there it was, right where I remembered. No one can tell me that God doesn't live. My mother
taught me that he loves me and that he is real.

5. "Have weekly home evenings." This inspired program will bless the entire family. Though parents may often wonder if anything is getting through to their children, it is.
Here is Vanessa's experience:

I have many memories of FHE with good lessons, fun games, and refreshments. One of our favorite FHEs was when we'd just sit around and ask my parents gospel
questions and we'd discuss them together. Every time we'd read the Bible and Book of Mormon stories. We didn't just go to the movie or the park. I can honestly say
that most of my knowledge of the gospel and love for the gospel came from my early childhood and the time my parents took to teach us correct principles.

I think one factor that helped in our family was that we did not have a TV. Looking back on it, I loved it! It made us take time for the more important things, like the
gospel, each other, our homework, work around the house and farm, etc. We have a TV now and things are not the same. Some of these important things are not done
as frequently, and I feel bad that the younger kids won't have some of the same memories that I have had. I hope I will be able to convince my husband that we can live
without a TV. The negative factors of TV by far outweigh the positive factors, as far as I'm concerned, and I think the salvation of my family is more important than a
few good shows.

Katrina shared her feelings about family gatherings:

Family home evenings didn't always go exactly as planned. We had our fair share of flops, but we also had plenty of meaningful experiences. The biggest challenges
came when the older kids became teenagers. As I look back now, I am starting to understand how difficult it must have been for my parents to keep four teenagers in
line with four little ones to entertain as well. I remember family home evenings each year where, after a lesson, we would plant and weed the garden. Even though we all
grumbled, we enjoyed the benefits at harvest time. Other family home evening activities also brought some complaints, but looking back on it now, it was the best thing
we ever did.

Jared recalled his experience with family home evening:

One of the great hymns of the church is entitled "There Is Beauty All Around." Our family, after fifteen or so years of singing it, have memorized the words. It is our
family night theme song. I don't know that we have had a family night without singing this song. The message is of peace and love and joy that can be felt "when there's
love at home." I sing those words when I have trouble controlling my thoughts.

6. "Be together at mealtimes." Sadly, many families today do not eat together and therefore miss a wonderful time to catch up on the day's news or to find out how
everyone else fared. Charleen expressed herself:

I also think it is very important to have meals together as a family, and my mom made sure of that. It was another time that my family grew closer together. We talked
about everything, and even the little kids got in their say. We kept our scriptures right by our dining room table so that we could read after our meal. They have a little
spaghetti and a little milk spilled on them, and they are well-worn, but I wouldn't trade them for a new set for anything.

My mom has always taught us gospel principles and how to love others based on the Savior's example. One of her famous sayings was, "Let us all speak kind words to
each other," like the words from the hymn. I genuinely look up to my mother and hope to someday be a mother like her. Along with my dad, my mom has added
greatly to my
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get older, she has even become a better friend.

Jim recalled his own family's meals:
spaghetti and a little milk spilled on them, and they are well-worn, but I wouldn't trade them for a new set for anything.

My mom has always taught us gospel principles and how to love others based on the Savior's example. One of her famous sayings was, "Let us all speak kind words to
each other," like the words from the hymn. I genuinely look up to my mother and hope to someday be a mother like her. Along with my dad, my mom has added
greatly to my life. It meant a lot to me to have her there whenever I came home to ask me how my day went. My mom has always been a good friend to me, but as I
get older, she has even become a better friend.

Jim recalled his own family's meals:

Another important time in our family's life was eating meals together. This of course took a lot of planning. There was always a well-cooked, nutritional meal. As soon
as my dad came home from work we would gather around the set table to kneel in family prayer. Some of the best times were shared with those six chairs filled. It is
true that a mother is in charge of the home. So often my dad could only be there long enough to take care of the big tasks.

7. "Read scriptures daily." Imagine what kind of a wife Wendy will be because of her mom's teaching her the value of scripture:

My mother is a wonderful example of someone who honestly feasts on the scripture daily. She has taught me by her example to pray, to search the scriptures every day
for answers to my prayers and for comfort. My sister and I attended early morning seminary. Before we left, we would have our prayer, then sit down with our bowls
of cereal while Mom would read us a couple of scriptures. We would discuss them and she taught us how to apply the scriptures to our daily lives. Right now she is
working on her own Book of Mormon project. She has photocopied each page of the Book of Mormon, and each day she takes the page and researches each cross
reference. She then writes her feelings about each scripture around the edge of the page. She has given me a wonderful gift: my love for the scriptures.

8. "Do things as a family." Surely Heavenly Father put us in families for important reasons. Our greatest joys and blessings should originate at the family circle. Individual
and family functions should be some of the most important events we attend. Mary Anne explained:

Along with the spiritual side, my mom and dad have given our family the fun-loving side of life by the numerous vacations we have gone on. Just as President Benson
said, these memories will never be forgotten! I have probably camped at every national park on the western side of the United States. There are seven of us in my
familyfive childrenand as we would travel around, fellow travelers would stand in awe that two parents would attempt to take vacations with five small children. The
thing that would startle them the most was to see us, four girls and one boy, stagger out of a small truck-bed-camper at gas stations to use the nearest facility. I must
admit, it was very cozy in that very small camper, but those are the times when our family grew closer together. I wouldn't have traded for a full-size trailer camper for
anything.

9. "Teach your children." The home is the best teaching institution and environment of all. Emily remembered a wonderful summer:

I remember the summer we played Wiffle ball. I say "the summer" because it was an activity that was repeated frequently. My parents were determined to teach us
good sportsmanship. Because there are nine children, we had just enough to field the ball while each of us took a turn at bat. Most people would have considered that
first week a disaster and left it at that. My parents aren't most people, though. They decided to have us play Wiffle ball every week until we could play with decent
sportsmanship. We thought they would give up after the first few games. I don't know exactly how it happened, but somehow we came around. I must admit that I
wasn't the most helpful. After a month or so though, we did it. Now it's kind of a family joke, but I really admire my parents for their dedication. They felt that it was
important for us to learn to both work and play together, and they accomplished this goal in spite of the kicking and screaming.

10. "Truly love your children." Home is the place where children learn to feel loved, accepted, and valued, or to feel abused and unworthy of love. In Latter-day Saint
homes, every child should be made to feel special by the two beings who brought them into mortality. Phil expressed himself:

Looking back in retrospect to the time before my birth, it may not have been suspected that my mother would be such a wonderful mother. She was one of those fun-
loving California girls. Her priorities were not set on the skills of raising children. In fact, after her engagement to my dad, they read his patriarchal blessing which spoke
of his wife being a great mother in Israel. She felt he had made a big mistake in his selection, and she suggested that he perhaps try again! It was only a year and a half
later that she held my sister in her arms.

In our home, children have never been thought of as possessions. We are instead involved in a stewardship program. Our home has been a school from which to learn
and grow and eventually graduate. My parents have had success from basing their teachings on correct principles. My mother has been an excellent example. She was
always at the crossroads. The spare key to the house was seldom used. She took the effort to plan her schedule so that she could be there when we needed her most.
This did not mean that she lived a sheltered, reclusive life, only one which was organized and planned. I can often remember coming home to an afternoon snack
prepared in our behalf.

Jared thought about his mother this way:

I can remember things that happened back to when I was three years old. Most of my first memories are of my mom playing little games with my sister and me. She
would read and tell us stories, and teach us to love each other. I also remember that our house was always neat and tidy. It was a very comfortable place to live, even
though it was not very big. I don't ever remember feeling scared and alone, because as we got older and went to school, Mom was always at home when we came
back from school. She would greet us with a smile, ask about our day, and sometimes feed us a little snack. I felt protected and secure, and boy, did I love my mom.

She wouldn't let too much time go by before she helped us get going on our daily chores and homework. We continued to grow up, and more brothers and sisters
came into the family. There are five of us now, and Mom's time has become more limited trying to be there for all of us all of the time. I remember feeling a special
confidence with my mom. We had shared so many experiences together that I could talk to her about anything. During junior high and high school I took advantage of
that special friendship, and Mom and I would have wonderful talks about life. I am who I am today because my mom understands what it means to be a mother. Just
last night I went home to visit. In a way that I can't explain here, my wonderful mom gently taught me yet another lesson. Oh, how I love her with all my heart.

Listen to Cameron express his views about his mom:

I was pondering on the talk that President Benson gave to mothers in Israel relative to the "Ten Points." In a way I was grading my own mother on each point, seeing
just how well she'd done with us as children. It was surprising how each point could be clearly seen in her method of child rearing and daily life. One point really
seemed to be her strengthit was the tenth and final point that President Benson concluded with. It reads simply, "Love your children," and seems simple, but as I thought
about it, it got more and more complicated. I think that more often than not we took our mom for granted and sort of expected her to be the way she was. It hasn't
been till recently, when my father and I were talking about the family and how they were able to raise eight kids who not only turned out sane, but well rounded and
strong in the Church. I recall how he paused to ponder and said that he was gone all day so most of the work was done by Mom. Well, what did she do that made the
difference? I thought to myself. My dad then paid perhaps the biggest tribute to my mother that a woman can receive. He said that "no mother has ever loved her kids
more than she did." He talked of how she would just hold each of us hour after hour. She would talk to us, sing to us, play with us, and laugh with us. We were her life,
he said. I suppose
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I recall that while in seventh grade I was having some struggles in school. I was skinny and clung to my best friend for my stability and sole companionship. It wasn't
until one day when we moved away that my troubles began. I was insecure, alone, and used to dread the lunch bell that would begin the longest hour of my day. As if
been till recently, when my father and I were talking about the family and how they were able to raise eight kids who not only turned out sane, but well rounded and
strong in the Church. I recall how he paused to ponder and said that he was gone all day so most of the work was done by Mom. Well, what did she do that made the
difference? I thought to myself. My dad then paid perhaps the biggest tribute to my mother that a woman can receive. He said that "no mother has ever loved her kids
more than she did." He talked of how she would just hold each of us hour after hour. She would talk to us, sing to us, play with us, and laugh with us. We were her life,
he said. I suppose that as the years crept by there were a few instances where this love has literally changed my life.

I recall that while in seventh grade I was having some struggles in school. I was skinny and clung to my best friend for my stability and sole companionship. It wasn't
until one day when we moved away that my troubles began. I was insecure, alone, and used to dread the lunch bell that would begin the longest hour of my day. As if
things weren't bad enough, I was hitting that stage of maturity referred to as prepubescence. Of course, I had no idea what that was, but I did know that for some
reason all of a sudden I was not a happy little camper. I remember sitting in class and for no reason at all just feeling extremely depressed. Although I was insecure and
had a bully pick on me at my locker daily, I was normally a happy guybut not now. It got worse every day to the point where I would sit in class and fight back the
tears. Sometimes I wouldn't win that fight, and those around me would ask what was wrong. I still remember telling them it was just allergies.

With hindsight it's easy to forget about those hard times as I began lifting weights and finally straightened that bully out and got in with the right crowd and took off with
sports. But at that point in time the world was coming to an end. I will never forget as long as I live the days on end where I couldn't figure out what was wrong with
me, where I felt that I was going crazy. But I'll tell you that every morning I would set a goal to make it back to that front door, because I knew that if I did there was
going to be my mother waiting there for me. She'd hurry to finish all her chores of the day, waking up early many days so that she could be with one of her eight
children in his time of need. And it wasn't the things that she said, but she would take me back to my room and just hold me. No words were spoken, she just did the
one thing that only a mother couldlove and never lose faith. I remember her praying and crying with me, rocking me and reassuring me that everything was going to be
okay. This doesn't present a very manly picture, does it? Well, even after winning all-state honors in football during high school and two years of college ball here at the
"Y," I know that being tough was not the way out of that dark place. I can't imagine what would have happened had I not been flooded with love at that timeeven
more, if I'd have come home to an empty house.

Besides our times of need, my mother's love was consistent even when we messed up bad. When a sentence was passed and punishment exacted, our slate was
always wiped clean. She was literally the heart of the family. Her job requirements were more than cooking, cleaning, and laundry. My mother pumped the blood of life
through our house and family. She was not as funny as the comediennes on TV or as quick-witted as many of the women in the workforce. Sometimes we felt that she
would come down too hard on us, ride us too hard about practicing the piano or those "dating rules," but the bottom line is that she knew that no matter how much of a
botch she made out of some things, if she tried her best and just loved us to pieces then her salary and reward as a mother would be astronomical. In the world's terms
my mom has the best contract in the world. It's guaranteed for life, and one of the best parts is the built-in bonus that extends throughout eternity.

From these student comments, the importance of a mother to her children becomes obvious as she uses her divine talents to lift, bless, listen, care, and serve her
children. As you can see, it is not a theoretical, pie-in-sky model the Lord has given us, but there are practical things that can make a difference in the lives of children
whose mothers hold their sacred calling in the highest regard. As Abraham Lincoln said, the most important book we may read is the one called "Mother."

11 the Power of Love and Affection in Our Families

Randal A. Wright

All of us as human beings have a basic need to feel loved. Not only does parental touch in the form of holding and hugging signify love to a child, but mounting evidence
from research confirms that physical affection is an important physiological need. When children feel love within the context of their family setting, they feel secure and
confident in their own abilities, and therefore their behavior is more consistent with parental values and ideals. When this need for love and affection goes unmet,
however, there is the probability that children will seek attention, love, and affection elsewhere. For teenagers this quest becomes especially dangerous because they
often turn to members of the opposite sex (and sometimes the same sex) to meet these needs. The adversary uses this basic human requirement to entrap susceptible
youth in immorality.

President Ezra Taft Benson referred to this when he said, "I recognize that most people fall into sexual sin in a misguided attempt to fulfill basic human needs. We all
have a need to feel loved and worthwhile. We all seek to have joy and happiness in our lives. Knowing this, Satan often lures people into immorality by playing on their
basic needs." ("The Law of Chastity," New Era, January 1988, pp. 4-5.)

Dr. Elizabeth R. McAnarney, director of adolescent medicine at the University of Rochester Medical School, explained, "Adolescents need touch to facilitate
communication and convey caring. When children are no longer held and comforted by their parents, they may turn to their peers instead. There is almost no data on
this, but I wonder if the increase in very young teenage pregnancy comes from the need to be held. They may be using sex for a nonsexual purpose." ("Hugs and
Kisses," Parents, November 1984, p. 77; emphasis added.)

Unfortunately, many parents, and thus their children, have trouble expressing love and affection. The problem seems to be more prevalent with fathers than with
mothers, and older children seem to be more distant than younger. In a survey among high school students, only twenty-four percent said their fathers showed affection
to them daily, while forty-nine percent said their mothers did. The problem is that too often this lack of affection is passed on to the next generation and an unfortunate
cycle is perpetuated.

A friend of mine shared an excerpt from her grandfather's journal which illustrates the point. As a young man he had a strong desire to leave his native Norway and
come to America. He recorded:

In the fall of 1922, four other boys in the neighborhood and I de-cided to go to America. It took several months to get our papers ready.

In January 1923, we were ready to leave home. On the morning I was to leave, my mother came upstairs at 4 a.m. to wake me up. As I lay there, she knelt by my bed
and put her arm around me with her cheek against my cheek, and told me how she loved me and how she would miss me. She told me to be a good boy. She felt that
she would not see me again in this life.

I had been taught never to cry or show emotion, but at that moment I wanted to put my arms around her. Unfortunately, I let them lie still by my side under the covers. I
didn't say or do anything, because I was a man. How could I be so soft to put my arms around my mother, or maybe cry and tell her how I loved her? I couldn't do
that. It wasn't manly. How I have regretted that moment all these years!

I got up, and she walked me two miles in the knee-deep snow to the bus stop. She helped me carry my suitcase. When I got on the bus, I shook hands with my mother
and said good-bye. Now for fifty-two years I have regretted all this.

Thirty-eight years after I came over to this country, I had a chance to go back to Norway for a visit.My mother had died eighteen years before. The first thing I did the
first day I was there was to go to the graveyard. I didn't know where the graves were located. I searched up and down the rows till I finally came to the graves of my
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                                                them for a minute, and all my past days were going through my mind, especially the last day I saw my mother.

I knelt down and put my arms around the marker. I put my cheek against her name, and those tears that I should have shed thirty-eight years earlier were shed there. I
and said good-bye. Now for fifty-two years I have regretted all this.

Thirty-eight years after I came over to this country, I had a chance to go back to Norway for a visit.My mother had died eighteen years before. The first thing I did the
first day I was there was to go to the graveyard. I didn't know where the graves were located. I searched up and down the rows till I finally came to the graves of my
mother and father. I stood there and looked at them for a minute, and all my past days were going through my mind, especially the last day I saw my mother.

I knelt down and put my arms around the marker. I put my cheek against her name, and those tears that I should have shed thirty-eight years earlier were shed there. I
was not such a big man after all.

How unfortunate that this young man had been taught "never to cry or show emotion." I wonder who taught him that it wasn't manly to show emotion? Obviously it was
not his mother. It's sad to imagine this young man with his arms around the tombstone expressing his love for his mother. We can learn a valuable lesson from this story.
As parents, sons, and daughters, we need to learn how to convey love and affection among family members, or to continue if we have already been doing so. Such
displays of affection can be a great protection in a day of sexual temptation. It is clear from research that youth who come from homes where love and affection are
shown on a daily basis are much less willing to engage in immoral acts than those without such experiences.

Being a Teenager

The teen years can be a particularly difficult time of life. So many things are happening at once with so many questions in teenagers' hearts: Who am I? Why am I here?
Where am I going? Do I have any talents? What can I do with my life? New feelings, desires, and urges now confuse the emotions of our youth. Fear of rejection,
concern with personal appearance, peer pressure, school, homework, tests, and temptations of all kinds are of major concern.

Too, this time of life represents a major crossroad for them in their lives. The decisions they make during these critical yearseducation, missions, career, and
marriageare crucial and have a great impact upon their future happiness. No wonder so many are frightened and turn to others for help. Most of us are so far removed
from those days of adolescence that we are often unsympathetic, and our teenage children may find it difficult to share their feelings with us.

Ironically, it is from parents that some of our youth feel the most pressure. If we are not careful we bombard them with criticism instead of love and understanding. The
following exaggerated examples on the part of critical parents may not be too far from reality in many homes:

ï¿½"Why can't you clean your room? I'm going to buy you a shovel instead of a broom."

ï¿½"Will you please quit eating so fast? Your tongue looks like a conveyor belt."

ï¿½"I thought I told you to turn off the lights. Do you think we have a money tree growing in the backyard?"

ï¿½"Didn't I tell you not to smack your lips? You sound like a cow!"

ï¿½"Don't tell me this F on your report card stands for fabulous."

Researchers have estimated that an average teenager hears ten negative comments about himself for every one positive comment. Consider, parents: How are you
doing in this ratio in your home? Do you give your children more positive comments than negative? What do you think you would do if someone in your home or at
work were to give you the same messages that you give your children? Perhaps you would feel offended or unloved.

In our desire to help children be better than we were, we often feel that we need to point out every error and mistake they make. But if we are not careful, all they will
hear is negative messages about themselves. One mother recently told me she chastised her teenaged son for some trivial matter. When she was through, her fourteen-
year-old meekly looked up and asked, "Mom, is there anything you do like about me?" This shocked her into realizing that though she greatly loved her son, her desire
for him to achieve caused her to spend most of her time pointing out his faults.

We need to remember that many of our youth are feeling rejected or frightened while struggling at school, with peer relationships, and many times even at church. Our
homes must be a safe harbor from the storms of life. We can eliminate much of their fears by sending genuine love messages to them. I am reminded of the scripture
that says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear" (1 Jn. 4:18).

The key, then, to casting out fear is found in one simple word: love. If we can just apply our love by letting our children know that we care for them, truly love them,
there is a greater chance that their fears will vanish. They will also be more secure and better able to accomplish their life's mission while staying morally clean. It sounds
easy enough, but Nephi reminded us that "because of the simpleness of the way, or easiness of it, there were many who perished" (1 Ne. 17:41). It takes effort and a
softened heart to show love to others, but the principle is a simple one and within the power of all of us to do.

While walking outside after a youth conference in a midwestern state, I met two Mia-Maid-age girls. I knew that I probably would never see them again, so I gave
them both a brief hug and told them how much I enjoyed being at their conference with them.

When I returned home, I received a letter from one of these young girls. She wrote, "I thought you might want to know how much it meant to Misty and me when you
talked to us after youth conference. It really made us feel good that you cared enough about the youth of the Church to talk to us when you really needed to leave. And
whether you knew it or not, we were touched so much when right before you left, you hugged us and then on top of that you said, ï¿½I love you.' That meant a lot to
both of usthank you very much."

I wondered why this simple act of affection had meant so much to this young woman. It began to make more sense as I continued her letter.

"When I got into the car, my father was angry about something, and he started degrading the Church, its leaders and members. He didn't want to hear about youth
conference or anything that had happened. This really upset me, as I love the Church and its leaders. It hurt me so much that I couldn't stop crying from 12:30 to 3:00."

She went on to describe her dad as a very good man, but one who had a bad temper and who showed her little love and affection. She doubted if he even loved her.
My heart went out to this fine young teenager, and I began to realize why a simple hug and saying "I love you" had meant so much to her. I fear for her, and for all
young girls in similar situations if a young man with few values comes along to take advantage of her need for love.

Before we are quick to judge this father, however, I ask you fathers who may be reading this if your own children really know they are lovedand feel it. Oh, sure, we
say they know, we think they know, we told them once or twice when they were little. I have a strong feeling that my young friend's father really does love his daughter;
he just has a hard time showing it. He probably doesn't even realize his daughter has any doubts about his love for her, for he may be providing her with clothes,
allowance, and a nice home.
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I'm afraid the old story of Ole and Olga would describe all too many families. It seems Ole and Olga lived on a small farm in Iowa. Olga was starved for affection. Ole
never gave her any indication that he loved her, so Olga's need to be appreciated went unfulfilled. At her wits' end, Olga blurted out, "Ole, why don't you ever tell me
that you love me?" Ole stoically responded, "Olga, when we were married, I told you that I loved you. If I ever change my mind, I'll let you know."
Before we are quick to judge this father, however, I ask you fathers who may be reading this if your own children really know they are lovedand feel it. Oh, sure, we
say they know, we think they know, we told them once or twice when they were little. I have a strong feeling that my young friend's father really does love his daughter;
he just has a hard time showing it. He probably doesn't even realize his daughter has any doubts about his love for her, for he may be providing her with clothes,
allowance, and a nice home.

I'm afraid the old story of Ole and Olga would describe all too many families. It seems Ole and Olga lived on a small farm in Iowa. Olga was starved for affection. Ole
never gave her any indication that he loved her, so Olga's need to be appreciated went unfulfilled. At her wits' end, Olga blurted out, "Ole, why don't you ever tell me
that you love me?" Ole stoically responded, "Olga, when we were married, I told you that I loved you. If I ever change my mind, I'll let you know."

Family members who are treated like Olga may find a reason to look outside the home for affection. When this happens, the results can be extremely detrimental. Why,
then, are some parents so reluctant to tell their teenagers they love them or to demonstrate some physical affection?

Researchers have discovered many reasons for this reluctance. Obviously individuals who were not shown any affection in their own homes while growing up often
don't know how to show affection to their own children, or they may feel hesitant or even awkward about it. Others have been conditioned by society to believe that to
show affection, especially between father and son, is somehow a sign of weakness. Many men in our culture feel that to be strong they should not show emotion or
affection to their children at all. In reality, those who don't display any affection are the ones who are weak, while those who demonstrate affection to their children are
building strong and lasting relationships with their children.

The consequences of men believing Satan's lies are devastating. All types of illicit sexual behavior have been rising dramatically for years. A lack of love and affection in
our homes creates an unfortunate cycle that is often carried on to future generations. Youth who are starved for love in their homes tend to produce children who are
even more starved for love.

Here is an illustration of this point: "ï¿½When my father stopped hugging me, I decided I could either tear up the beautiful book he had given me for Christmas, or I
could kill myself, or I could try to get hugs from someone else,' says Janie, thirteen, who recently had her first sexual encounter. ï¿½I finally decided to get a boyfriend.'
" (Kathleen McCoy, "Is Your Child Flirting with Sex?" Readers Digest, September 1989, p. 114.)

This young girl's story points out something that all parents need to seriously consider. I really don't believe that her dad loved her any less because she turned thirteen
years old. From this point of view, he may have felt justified in his withdrawal of physical affection because of some societal conditioning. From the daughter's point of
view, he quit hugging her because he must not love her anymore. After getting a confusing message from his actions, she acted on the false assumption that he no longer
cared. The solution to her need for love was to get a boyfriend, which led to immorality. Satan won another victory over an unsuspecting youth and her dad. I'm sure
this father had no idea that his lack of affection could possibly influence his daughter's sexual behavior.

Do our children get confusing messages about our love for them? How many young girls do you think have become sexually active in a desperate search for affection
they are not receiving at home?

If youth are to make it through the dangerous teen years with the self-control needed to avoid immorality, they must know they are loved. Elder Marion G. Romney
once said, paraphrasing author Hugh Evander Willis, "The only motive strong enough to induce men to exercise that self-control required by the religion of Jesus is
love" (in Conference Report, October 1962, p. 94).

What, then, is the solution to this perplexing problem? How can we let our children know of our great love for them? How can we show this love in appropriate ways?
How can we be sure that our youth are not receiving messages that they are unloved?

The Savior As a Model

Let's briefly look at the earthly ministry of the Savior to see if we can gain some insights as to how he treated those closest to him. Since we have no record of Christ
having children during his earthly ministry, we must look to his relationship with the Apostles and disciples for an example to use in our own homes.

1. Jesus verbally expressed to his disciples that he loved them. "As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love" (John 15:9). One way we
can show our love to our children is simply to tell them often, "I love you," as Jesus did. Hearing those three words brings strength, security, and courage. How often do
you tell your children that you love them?

A friend told me his son once posed an interesting question to him: "Dad, how come you only tell me you love me when you're mad at me?" The father said he analyzed
his past actions and agreed with his son's assessment. He had shown greater love after his rebukes but forgot to tell his son when there was no problem. If we want our
children to feel loved, we must tell them often when they are doing good things too!

In one classic study, several thousand high school students were asked what they would most like to hear from their parents. The survey found that fifty percent of the
students said they wanted most to know if their parents loved them. (Paul Popenoe, "Do Your Children Know You Love Them?" Parents and Better Homemaking,
December 1965, pp. 43-45.)

2. Jesus demonstrated his love both verbally and through his actions. "And when Jesus had spoken these words he came again unto his disciples; and behold they did
pray steadfastly, without ceasing, unto him; and he did smile upon them again; and behold they were white, even as Jesus" (3 Ne. 19:30). Jesus smiled at his disciples to
show love for them. Facial expressions and gesturesa smile, wink, even a nodcan help show our love for our youth and acknowledge their worth and value to us. What
methods or signs do you use to demonstrate your love to your children?

3. Jesus prayed for those he loved. "And now Father, I pray unto thee for them, and also for all those who shall believe on their words" (3 Ne. 19:23). We can pray for
our children in our personal prayers and with them in family prayer, when we can express our love, gratitude, and concern for them to our Father in Heaven, as Jesus
did. When children hear us address Deity in their behalf, they feel our love for them.

4. Jesus was kind, compassionate, and merciful. "Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or
leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels
are filled with mercy." (3 Ne. 17:7.)

Our children, like us, have bouts of loneliness, fear, depression, embarrassment, frustration, regret, and temptations. We must be there to heal their afflictions and pain
with kindness, compassion, and mercy, just as Jesus did. Whatever our children needhelp with a problem or assignment, an encouraging word, even a blessingwe can
give them by following Christ's modeling.

The Prophet Joseph Smith expressed the value of friendship as he said, "When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind,
while the opposite
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5. Jesus was willing to give his life in behalf of those he loved. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Our
children also need to know that we are willing to sacrifice for them, although we will not likely be required to lay down our lives for them. Our sacrifice may be one of
give them by following Christ's modeling.

The Prophet Joseph Smith expressed the value of friendship as he said, "When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind,
while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind" (History of the Church 5:24).

5. Jesus was willing to give his life in behalf of those he loved. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Our
children also need to know that we are willing to sacrifice for them, although we will not likely be required to lay down our lives for them. Our sacrifice may be one of
time, energy, and means. It may be as simple as attending their activities, helping with homework, or being together as a family on trips. A high school basketball player
expressed his feelings this way:

I'm the star player on the school basketball team, but never once has either parent come to see me play. They're either too busy, too tired, or can't get a baby-sitter for
my younger sister. The crowds cheer for me, the girls hang around my locker, some kids even ask me for my autograph. But it doesn't mean anything if the two most
important people in my life don't care." (F. Phillip Rice, The Adolescent [Boston: Allyn and Bacon, 1987], p. 476.)

Adolescents want and need their parents' attention. They may come to resent parents who are away from home too much. Wise parents put children above friends,
recreation, and work, for family time is more important than time spent in any other activity. President Benson counseled mothers to be at the "crossroads" in their
children's livesto be at home as their children leave and return from their various activities (see Come, Listen to a Prophet's Voice [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.,
1990], pp. 25-37).

Perhaps the greatest evidence of the need for this counsel is that, as surveys indicate, the time period when most illicit relations between young teenagers occur is
between three and five o'clock in the afternoon. Also, research indicates that the automobile is no longer the place where the majority of teens lose their virtue. Over
half have their first sexual experience in their own home or in the home of their partner. Young people today can easily become isolated and lonely. Many are frequently
left alone with little supervision, and as their sexual impulses are fanned by the modern media and coupled with a need for affection, the likelihood of a disaster is
increased. Maybe that's one of the reasons President Benson counseled us to be at the crossroads of our children's lives "whether [they] are six or sixteen" (ibid., p.
32).

Of course, some parents cannot be at the crossroads of their children's lives even though they desperately want to be. In these cases it takes careful planning and
inspiration to provide proper supervision. Our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs, and I am convinced that if we listen to the promptings of the Spirit of the Lord
and follow through in teaching our children correct principles, he will inspire us on a course that will prevent any circumstances that would destroy our children. Then, if
we build strong loving relationships with them so that they feel loved and secure, their basic need for affection will be met.

6. Jesus often used physical touch during his earthly ministry. "And it came to pass that when Jesus had made an end of these sayings, he touched with his hand the
disciples whom he had chosen, one by one, even until he had touched them all, and spake unto them as he touched them" (3 Ne. 18:36).

Of the many ways we can show love to other family members, touch is one of the most powerful. Perhaps it is the most direct method of communicating love. Does it
not seem to you that love flows when we hug, place an arm around another's shoulder, plant a kiss on their cheek, hold hands, or even share a handshake?

Studies show that while many parents give their infants and toddlers physical affection, hugging and kissing decreases with each passing year. By the time most children
reach their teenage years, they get very little physical affection from their parents.

Consider the power of physical affection in the following story by Melvin J. Ballard:

I recall an experience which I had two years ago. . . .

Away on the Fort Peck Reservation where I was doing missionary work with some of our brethren, laboring among the Indians, seeking the Lord for light to decide
certain matters pertaining to our work there, and receiving a witness from Him that we were doing things according to His will, I found myself one evening in the dreams
of the night in that sacred building, the temple. After a season of prayer and rejoicing I was informed that I should have the privilege of entering into one of those rooms
to meet a glorious Personage, and, as I entered the door, I saw, seated on a raised platform, the most glorious Being my eyes have ever beheld or that I ever conceived
existed in all the eternal worlds. As I approached to be introduced, he arose and stepped towards me with extended arms, and he smiled as he softly spoke my name.
If I shall live to be a million years old, I shall never forget that smile. He took me into his arms and kissed me, pressed me to his bosom, and blessed me, until the
marrow of my bones seemed to melt! When he had finished, I knelt at his feet, and, as I bathed them with my tears and kisses, I saw the prints of the nails in the feet of
the Redeemer of the world. The feeling that I had in the presence of Him who hath all things in His hands, to have His love, His affection, and His blessing was such that
if I ever can receive that of which I had but a foretaste, I would give all that I am, all that I ever hope to be to feel what I then felt! (Melvin J. Ballard: Crusader for
Righteousness [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966], pp. 138-39.)

Have you ever stopped to consider how physical touch is used in the Lord's church today? Handshakes, blessings, anointings and sealings, ordinations, confirmations,
baptisms, temple ordinancesall use touch to transfer power and love from the Savior and priesthood holder. Following the Savior's example and using this power with
our family members can bring abundant blessings to our children and spouse.

Joseph Smith said, "Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness" (History of the
Church 5:23-24). If taking someone by the hand and watching over them with tenderness can lead people to forsake sin, can it not also help prevent them from sinning
in the first place?

By following the Savior's example of touching, the Prophet Joseph had a powerful effect on a little boy. L. O. Littlefield accompanied Zion's Camp and recorded an
experience he had with the Prophet while encamped at Salt River in June of 1834.

While there the men were paraded outside of the camp for exercise and instruction. This was an unpleasant feature for me, as I was too young and too small of stature
to act with the men. This created within me, as I remember, some lonesome reflections. I sat down upon a rock where the men were passing, the better to observe their
movements. While thus seated, the Prophet Joseph Smith, who happened to be passing by in quite a hurry, noticed me.

He stepped to where I sat alone. It might have been my isolated position that attracted him. I knew not the motive; but that man, who to me appeared so good and so
godlike, really halted in his hurry to notice meonly a little boy. Placing one of his hands upon my head, he said: "Well, bub, is there no place for you?"

This recognition from the man whom I then knew was a Prophet of God created within me a tumult of emotions. I could make him no reply. My young heart was filled
with joy to me unspeakable. ("The Prophet Joseph Smith in Zion's Camp," Juvenile Instructor, 15 February 1892, p. 109.)

One family I know forms a circle every morning and evening to kneel in family prayer. As they arise they look into each child's eyes and say "I love you" and give each
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1. As we look into our children's eyes we should be able to read their emotional state, the condition of their soul. It is hard to hide feelings and emotions from someone
with joy to me unspeakable. ("The Prophet Joseph Smith in Zion's Camp," Juvenile Instructor, 15 February 1892, p. 109.)

One family I know forms a circle every morning and evening to kneel in family prayer. As they arise they look into each child's eyes and say "I love you" and give each
a kiss and a hug. There are practical benefits that come from this tradition:

1. As we look into our children's eyes we should be able to read their emotional state, the condition of their soul. It is hard to hide feelings and emotions from someone
who loves you and whom you see and embrace on a daily basis. Seldom are youth immoral without making gradual steps that lead to this behavior. A problem can
often be detected and corrected if we pick it up early.

2. Many times immorality occurs after barriers are broken down in other areas. In our permissive society this often involves violations of the Word of Wisdom. Daily
family traditions could not only help protect our youth from immorality but also help them live the Word of Wisdom. Can you imagine youth partaking of alcohol, drugs,
or tobacco knowing they will come home to a goodnight kiss from their parents?

3. Traditions of expressing affection convey our love and help them to know that they are loved; thus, they are less likely to seek inappropriate affection outside the
home. "If you are a father, remain attentive to your daughter. If a father withdraws his affection when his daughter reaches adolescence, she may be hurt and
bewildered and turn to teenage boys for attention." ("Is Your Child Flirting with Sex?" p. 114.)

4. Love and affection encourage youth to be more positive and secure in their livesa great protection against temptation. Dr. Harold Voth, a psychiatrist with the
Menninger Foundation, has said, "Hugging can lift depression. It breathes fresh life into a tired body and makes you feel younger and more vibrant." (Ibid.)

A few years ago I attended a high school basketball game between two powerhouse teams vying for the championship of an important tournament. Lincoln High had
garnered five Texas State championships in the 1980s and was ranked as the number one team in the state on this occasion. The opponent was Beaumont West
Brook, led by Lukie Jackson, son of former Olympic and NBA All-Star Luke Jackson. Both teams gave it everything they had. West Brook held the lead from the
beginning of the game, thanks to the twenty-seven points accumulated by Lukie Jackson. Then, with just a few seconds left in regulation play, Lincoln tied the score,
and the game went into overtime. The West Brook team was able to gain a one point advantage over their opponents. It appeared they would hold the lead to win the
gamea great upset. However, with less than thirty seconds to go, a Lincoln player drove to the basket and was fouled by Lukie. He made both free throws, and Lincoln
won the game by one point. Lukie was visibly upset. To have played so hard, scored so many points, but then commit a foul that cost his team the game against the
defending state champions was devastating.

I wondered what his dad was thinking. Would he yell at his boy for making a mistake that cost them the game? Then I turned around to see a huge man coming down
the aisle toward the dejected player. It was Lukie's father. Surely Lukie would get a tongue lashing that many sons would receive in similar situations when the father
was embarrassed by his son's actions. But when they met, Luke Jackson threw his arms around his son and, in front of thousands of people, held him tightly, patted him
on the back, and quietly talked to him. I watched this touching scene, wondering what I would have done had he been my son. When the long embrace ended, Lukie's
countenance had changed. He looked like his team had just won the state championship. He was smiling and happy as he went over to congratulate the winning team.

I don't think I've ever witnessed such a change in attitude in such a short time. Do you think Lukie Jackson loves and respects his father? Do you think he will be more
inclined to listen to his father's counsel in the future? Lukie, by the way, went on to stardom at Syracuse University.

President Ezra Taft Benson once said, "I am convinced that before a child can be influenced for good by his or her parents, there must be a demonstration of respect
and love" (in Conference Report, April 1981, p. 46). Showing love and affection to our children under all circumstances really does pay dividends.

Joseph Smith pointed out this great principle when he said, "It is a time-honored adage that love begets love. Let us pour forth loveshow forth our kindness unto all
mankind, and the Lord will reward us with everlasting increase; cast our bread upon the waters and we shall receive it after many days, increased to a
hundredfold" (History of the Church 5:517). When we understand the great love that Jesus possessed for us in order to go through the ordeal of the Atonement, we are
softened and humbled, and turn to him in meek appreciation and adoration. As John the Beloved recorded, "We love him, because he first loved us" (1 Jn. 4:19).

Is that not a sure formula? Will our children not love us when they know we loved them first, and regardless of their behavior or actions? Will they be more likely to
follow our counsel even as the disciples followed Jesus when they love and respect us? I think so. Will they then be more likely to listen when we counsel and warn
them of the dangers of immorality? I think they will likely be more receptive to counsel when they know these values are so important to us. Our challenge is to express
love to them as Jesus did to his disciples, so that there is no room for doubt in their minds that they are our first priority.

Two Latter-day Saint researchers conducted a survey of approxi- mately two hundred successful Mormon families to determine why their children were so
exceptional. The families were referred by stake presidents because they were faithful to gospel principles and appeared to be close and supportive of each other. The
conclusions seem to verify that demonstrating love and affection helps youth to stay morally clean.

The parents were asked how they showed affection in their homes. The results showed the following:

How Effective Families Show Love

Tell them we love them97%

Do things for them96%

Hugging94%

Tell by writing or phoning91%

Kissing85%

Provide a living for them74%

These families were also asked how frequently they exchanged some form of physical affection, and eighty-one percent of the families said that it was a daily thing.
(William G. Dyer and Phillip R. Kunz, Effective Mormon Families [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1986], pp. 80-84.)

This research demonstrates our need for appropriate physical touch. If you have been a stranger to sharing physical expressions of your love with other family
members, decide now to start. It may feel a little uncomfortable at first because of its newness. You may want to begin with a pat on the back or even a handshake.
Remember,   sharing
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                                      love can   have a great impact on family members. Consider my friend Mark's journal entry:
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"I seem to be at rock bottom in my life. I'm so depressed." That was my journal entry for February of 1981. I was nineteen years old, attending school at the Brigham
Young UniversityHawaii Campus in Laie, Hawaii. I lacked direction and purpose and felt that my life was floundering. My reason for coming to Hawaii seemed clear:
(William G. Dyer and Phillip R. Kunz, Effective Mormon Families [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1986], pp. 80-84.)

This research demonstrates our need for appropriate physical touch. If you have been a stranger to sharing physical expressions of your love with other family
members, decide now to start. It may feel a little uncomfortable at first because of its newness. You may want to begin with a pat on the back or even a handshake.
Remember, sharing physical tokens of love can have a great impact on family members. Consider my friend Mark's journal entry:

"I seem to be at rock bottom in my life. I'm so depressed." That was my journal entry for February of 1981. I was nineteen years old, attending school at the Brigham
Young UniversityHawaii Campus in Laie, Hawaii. I lacked direction and purpose and felt that my life was floundering. My reason for coming to Hawaii seemed clear:
my family was experiencing some serious problems, and I wanted to get away from them. Upon arriving in Hawaii, I found that I was not any happier. Surfing,
swimming, playing on the beachnone of these activities seemed to fill the emptiness I felt. With time I learned that it was not my family I was trying to get away from. I
was really running away from myself.

I had fought off all pressures of going on a mission. My testimony had weakened over the years, and it became increasingly difficult to understand the role the Church
played in my life. At BYUHawaii I was slow to make friends. I had a chip on my shoulder and people could detect it. My countenance and appearance seemed to
underscore the fact. I kept my hair down to my shoulders, and because I was in violation of the standards code, I would tuck my hair into a baseball cap whenever
going to class. No one was going to make me get a haircut. My hair had become a symbol of my rebellion and unhappiness.

Although I had closed myself off to family and friends, deep down I wanted to change. I wanted to be loved. But because of family problems, because of past mistakes
I'd made, and because of my feelings of inade-quacy, I would not open myself up, nor did I know how to. I did not love myself, and therefore I concluded that no one
else loved me either. What was there to love?

One day I heard that President Spencer W. Kimball was coming to Hawaii and was to speak on campus to a gathering of members in the newly constructed sports
arena. I had never seen the prophet before. The Sunday he was to speak, I dressed, walked over to the arena, and took a seat on the back row. I was very moved by
President Kimball's remarks and expressions of love.

After arriving back at my dorm room, I lay on my bed thinking about the wonderful words that had been spoken and how I felt during the talk. I was restless and
wanted to get awayto think about my life and try to understand myself. I walked to the Hawaii Temple, located near campus, and sat on a stone bench in front of the
entrance. I sat there for some time poring over my life, wondering why I had elected to take certain pathways.

I suddenly noticed that a small number of people were excitedly gathering around the entrance of the temple. Moments later, President Kimball and some of the other
General Authorities emerged from the building. As they shook his hand and embraced him, I watched from a distance away, too frightened to approach him. I feared
that he, as a prophet of God, would be able to discern the present state of my spirit and would peer into my eyes, seeing the mistakes I had made. I also feared he
would see my long hair, chastise me for breaking the rules, and possibly have me kicked out of school. And so I quietly watched as he proceeded down the walkway
across from where I stood.

The image of what then happened will always remain with me. President Kimball stopped and gazed into my frightened eyes. I prayed he would not come toward me.
And yet he left the group he was traveling with and walked directly toward me. The feeling of shame that engulfed my soul made me want to get up and run from him.
When he reached me, he threw his arms around my neck, kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear, "I love you." I shall never forget the warmth and love that I felt. I
could not dispute ithe loved me. I actually felt his love for me. I then did something I hadn't done for a long, long timeI cried. I couldn't control myself and I went behind
the temple and continued to sob. That pure love had melted away my anger and bitterness and made me realize that I did have worth. I felt that I was loved, and that if
my Father in Heaven had been there, he would have told me the same thingthat he truly loved me.

Can we not follow President Kimball's example in our families? I am convinced that if every family in the Church expressed their love for each other frequently and
genuinely, the immorality that we see on the part of both youth and adults would be virtually eliminated. In a world where rejection is so common, it is vital that our
children find affirmation and security at home with each other, and especially with their parents. The love and comfort parents extend can enable our young adults to
form loving relationships when the time comes for them to organize eternal families of their own.

_____

Randal A. Wright's degrees are from Brigham Young University. He received his Ph.D. in family studies in 1995. He has been a seminary and institute teacher in the
Church Educational System for many years. He is a popular speaker for BYU Education Week and the Know Your Religion and Especially for Youth series. He and
his wife, Wendy, are the parents of five children. He is the author of a number of books on morality in media. He is currently the LDS institute director at the University
of Texas in Austin.

12 the Power of Positive Discipline

Geri R. Brinley

I think that most parents of past generations viewed discipline as a form of punishment associated with spanking, grounding, a denial of privileges, or sending children to
their rooms. However, the word discipline itself comes from the same root word as disciple and is best thought of as being related to teaching. Let's face itparents are
teachers and children are disciples, meaning that they will learn good and bad from us. It is our task as parents to prepare them to live an abundant life in this modern,
complex, and sometimes crazy world. There are many things they will need us to teach themnot only to survive but to live well. Consequently, discipline should be a
positive experience as we teach our children what we would like them to know. It was never intended that discipline would be a punitive exercise involving physical and
emotional pain. Discipline should be designed to strengthen relationships between parents and children.

A New Definition of Discipline

Consider this "new" definition of discipline: "Setting limits so that children feel safe to explore their world and gain confidence in their ability to handle social and
emotional experiences in their lives." Limits allow youngsters to grow up with the confidence they need to deal with life, because through limits, children learn self-
control in a safe environmenthome, enabling them to make wise choices when they become independent of you and move out on their own.

Given the foregoing definition, the primary goal of discipline is to teach children responsibility by helping them learn how their choices affect both themselves and those
around them. When children learn to be accountable at an early age, not only do they gain confidence in their ability to handle life's problems but they generally turn out
to be more considerate of others. To learn responsibility a child must be allowed the freedom to make many of his own choices, and that means that he will make
mistakes. But parents soon learn that it is of little value to force a child to behave in a certain way, even if they know it is in the child's best interest to do it their way.

The Lord never uses force with his children. In the premortal life, when Satan's plan to negate agency was rejected, the Lord made it clear that agency was to be an
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                                                     and accountability attached to it. Thus, it is called moral agency (see D&C 101:78). This principle was       58 / 85
                                                                                                                                                             also reinforced
by the Lamanite prophet Samuel, who taught:
mistakes. But parents soon learn that it is of little value to force a child to behave in a certain way, even if they know it is in the child's best interest to do it their way.

The Lord never uses force with his children. In the premortal life, when Satan's plan to negate agency was rejected, the Lord made it clear that agency was to be an
integral part of our education, with responsibility and accountability attached to it. Thus, it is called moral agency (see D&C 101:78). This principle was also reinforced
by the Lamanite prophet Samuel, who taught:

And now remember, remember, my brethren, that whosoever perisheth, perisheth unto himself; and whosoever doeth iniquity, doeth it unto himself; for behold, ye are
free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free.

He hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might choose life or death; and ye can do good and be restored unto that
which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you. (Hel. 14:30-31.)

Ralph was a young man whose parents did not allow him to make many decisions. Fearful of his parents, he obeyed their rules when they were present, but when he
was out of their range of control he rebelled in destructive ways. Because others made decisions for him, he never learned to think through issues on his own. As he
grew up and peer friendships developed, he continued his pattern of following others, and most often those decisions were not in his best interests. Some were even
illegal.

The gospel teaches us that because we have agency we are to act for ourselves and not to simply be acted upon; we are to learn to choose wisely and responsibly. The
Prophet Joseph Smith taught, "I teach the people correct principles and they govern themselves" (Joseph Smith, quoted by John Taylor in Journal of Discourses 10:57-
58). Thus, teaching principles of behavior to children is important for their healthy development. Boundaries and limits protect young children from unwise choices and
assist them in learning to trust loving and caring parents. Gradually children must be given the freedom to make decisions within reasonable limits and expectations
appropriate to their age and maturity levels. Proper discipline allows children to make good decisions and to learn responsible behavior as they relate with others. The
best time for a child to experience the consequences of behavior is in youth, when consequences are fairly benign.

Children must be taught ways to live compatibly with other human beingsanother function of discipline. It is the parents' responsibility to define for their children what
constitutes responsible behavior and then to provide opportunities for them to practice these principles in the home. Such teaching suffers when it is left to nonfamily
caretakers, baby-sitters, or TV role models. Joseph F. Smith counseled parents:

Do not let your children out to specialists in these things, but teach them by your own precept and example, by your own fireside. Be a specialist yourself in the truth. . .
. Not one child in a hundred would go astray, if the home environment, example and training, were in harmony with the truth in the gospel of Christ, as revealed and
taught to the Latter-day Saints. Fathers and mothers, you are largely to blame for the infidelity and indifference of your children. You can remedy the evil by earnest
worship, example, training and discipline, in the home. (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939], p. 302.)

Even child development specialists or counselors do not know your child as well as you do. Your common sense as a couple, together with the Lord's inspiration, can
provide adequate guides to help you rear your children to be socially mature and responsible adults.

If parents are to make discipline a positive experience, they must first understand the goals and motivation of children.

Why Do Children Do What They Do?

You'll hear it over and over again in this chapter, so may I suggest that you brand this on your hand or burn it in your brain: All behavior has purpose. Though we may
not always be aware of why we do some things, there are reasons behind our actions. Parents need to understand these reasons as they deal with their children on a
daily basis. Elder Richard G. Scott taught the principle that "when, as mothers, you are consistently in the home, at least during the hours the children are predominantly
there, you can detect the individual needs of each child and provide ways to satisfy them. Your divinely given instincts help sense a child's special talents and unique
capacities so you can nurture and strengthen them." (In Conference Report, April 1993, p. 41.)

Before we can help our children make behavioral changes, it is important that we understand why children do what they do. Understanding why a child behaves in a
certain way can be determined or discerned in a number of ways: by knowing something about the stages of physical, mental, and emotional growth common to human
development; by praying to Heavenly Father (we are, after all, rearing his children); and by gaining inspiration through the scriptures and the messages of living
prophets, who know something about human nature. Here are some helps for you to assess the behavior of young children:

Your Child Is Working Through a Stage of Growth

Young children may simply be in a stage of growth that is perfectly normal for their developmental age. (For a summary of the age characteristics of children up to age
twelve, see The How Book for Teaching Children [Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1984].) These questions can help you determine
what is "normal" behavior for an age group:

1.Do you remember similar behavior at that stage of your own life or with your older children?

2.Have you observed this kind of behavior in other children of the same age?

3.Can you find this behavior mentioned in child development texts for his or her age group?

4.Does this behavior seem reasonable given the age of the child?

Once you've decided that a certain behavior is normal or reasonable for a child's age and stage of development, what can you do about it? The answer depends on
several factors, including your own tolerance level! If a particular behavior is unacceptable to you, it may be channeled into something more positive while allowing the
child room to learn and mature. It is important to remain patient and calm rather than becoming emotionally punishing or punitive. You may simply have to wait out this
stage. At the same time, it is important that you not withhold love or send your child negative messages such as "You are bad" or "You are incompetent" because of his
or her actions.

An example of unacceptable behavior is that which often occurs when a child learns to feed himself. Usually at about age two, a child begins to take control of his
motor activities sufficiently to insist on feeding himself. It may be a mess at first! Attempts will be awkward and clumsy, and he may refuse to use a spoon. He may be
so determined to be independent of you that he'll refuse any food you attempt to spoon him, possibly shaking his head back and forth with his lips tightly pursed. He
may even knock away the spoonful of oatmeal you offer, spilling its contents everywhere. If you are in a hurry to get this meal over with or are uptight about the mess
he makes, or if you see his independence as a threat to your authority, you may be impatient and may be tempted to force the child to eat your way, or to put the meal
away and let him go hungry. Neither response serves a useful purpose. You might end up with two temper tantrumsyours and his! Your child's desire to become more
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independent and take more control of his life, even in eating, is perfectly normal and healthy and should be encouraged. Here are some ways to deal with    this problem:

1.Plan on a meal taking more time so you're not feeling pressured to hurry the child.
so determined to be independent of you that he'll refuse any food you attempt to spoon him, possibly shaking his head back and forth with his lips tightly pursed. He
may even knock away the spoonful of oatmeal you offer, spilling its contents everywhere. If you are in a hurry to get this meal over with or are uptight about the mess
he makes, or if you see his independence as a threat to your authority, you may be impatient and may be tempted to force the child to eat your way, or to put the meal
away and let him go hungry. Neither response serves a useful purpose. You might end up with two temper tantrumsyours and his! Your child's desire to become more
independent and take more control of his life, even in eating, is perfectly normal and healthy and should be encouraged. Here are some ways to deal with this problem:

1.Plan on a meal taking more time so you're not feeling pressured to hurry the child.

2.Initially use foods that can easily be eaten by hand (sandwiches, cut up pieces of fruit or vegetables, Cheerios, crackers, cheese) and a cup of milk or juice with a
tight lid and a small spout.

3.Patiently put a spoon in your child's hand and encourage him to try to use it, but do not insist.

At first he might pick up the food with one hand, put it on the spoon he is holding in the other, and then try to get it into his mouth without turning it upside down. With
practice and patience on your part he'll eventually get the idea and the coordination necessary to carry it all off. Then you can move to messier foods, when it may be
wise to put a plastic sheet under his chair.

Fulfilling Basic Human Needs

A second cause of behavior in children has to do with basic needs that are common to most of us. In the 1995 April general conference President James E. Faust
referred to a poll conducted by the Wirthlin Group concerning man's basic needs. They found three essential elementsself-esteem, peace of mind, and personal
contentment. (See Conference Report, April 1995, p. 81.) Abraham Maslow is known for arranging human needs into an organized hierarchy, suggesting that human
beings have ego needs that must be met if they are to develop in normal, healthy ways. They include:

Physical needs: food, clothing, shelter, physical touch.

Security: feeling safe from physical and emotional harm.

Social: affiliation, acceptance and belonging, a confidential relationship with another person that includes trust and sharing.

Achievement or recognition: confidence, self-esteem, feeling needed.

Self-actualization: using one's agency, conscience, and values to fulfill one's potential.

Erik Erikson, a development psychologist, described these typical traits or skills that you might observe your children developing now and as they mature to adulthood.

Trust. Trust in others develops during the first year of life as a child's physiological needs are met. Trust can be frustrated by parents who do not teach their children to
negotiate their environment, or who view the world as unpredictable and threatening. It is thought that children from such backgrounds may face life with hesitation and
that they often fear participating in new experiences.

Autonomy. A two-year-old needs to do things for himself, such as making simple decisions to gain confidence and competence. This, of course, requires more time
than if Mom does everything, and it will not be done as well as she does it. But if a parent insists on doing everything for the child, the message received by the child is
that he or she is inadequate, or "disabled."

Initiative. Between ages three and six, a child is learning to follow others and to move out on his own. He needs to solve his own problems and learn to negotiate
solutions in relationships. If Mother is constantly involved in arbitration processes, a child may learn that being a tattletale is rewarding. Unless physical danger is
imminent, parents should let children work through their own squabbles.

Industry. Between ages six and twelve, a child wishes to excel and be recognized for his developing skills. Parents can help by providing opportunities for a young
person to develop new proficiencies and experience the joy of success.

Identity. Adolescents need an identity of their own, a commitment to a value system; and they may investigate values and ideas other than those of their parents. It is
most helpful at this time to have parents assist in this searchto talk and listen to their children's ideas rather than forbidding questions or being dictatorial. If children don't
internalize values of their own, they may try to be everything to everyone else. Sometimes parents recognize this stage when a child does not want to go to church or
tries to decide if he believes the same things as his parents. Patience and understanding are important at this point so that a youngster does not feel that family values are
not open to his choosing. Most children who feel free to choose personal ideas and values will choose parental values after some exploration of ideas. Recall Joseph
Smith as a boy of fourteen wanting to know which church was true.

Intimacy. Late adolescence through young adulthood is a time of life when a child searches for a degree of intimacy with a member of the opposite sex. This includes
learning to be friends and finding appropriate ways of interacting. If this stage remains undeveloped (for such reasons as preferring to play computer or video games in
isolation because these activities are less threatening than social adventures), loneliness and solitude may follow. On the other hand, if this socialization with the opposite
sex is tackled before other skills have been acquired, a child, in this day of erotic media and secular influences beyond his ability to handle, may get into trouble.

Parenthood. Most people desire to bear children, but many couples in our day are unwilling to assume parenthood. The result can be selfishness and stagnation
individually and as a couple. Generally, those who desire to be parents but find they are unable to conceive children often feel unfulfilled and make an effort to adopt
children.

Self-actualization. In this later stage of development, individuals look back on their lives with a more long-range perspective, evaluating experiences and
accomplishments. If a chosen career or family relationships haven't materialized, the person may become discouraged and even panic (ever heard of mid-life crises?).

Though you may not agree with all thatMaslow and Erikson had to say, their categories provide us with a perspective in thinking and dealing with child behavior. I
personally think they are fairly accurate. The question is, how might needs and stages be handled successfully by parents? For example, the need to be physically close
to others may provide the incentive for a child to use attention-seeking behavior to obtain closeness. His social need to feel worthwhile and accepted may lead to
bragging or accumulating things (the most toys, the right kind of clothes, the best bike, and, later, the shiniest car, the biggest house). A child's natural curiosity and need
for new experiences may lead to spectacular but unwholesome activities. When developing his sense of autonomy he has a need to be in control, which often prompts
him to say no when he thinks you want him to say yes, or vice versa.

The  question(c)arises
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helpful:

ï¿½Is the behavior inappropriate for the age of the child? For instance, does your five-year-old insist on Mother feeding him?
bragging or accumulating things (the most toys, the right kind of clothes, the best bike, and, later, the shiniest car, the biggest house). A child's natural curiosity and need
for new experiences may lead to spectacular but unwholesome activities. When developing his sense of autonomy he has a need to be in control, which often prompts
him to say no when he thinks you want him to say yes, or vice versa.

The question arises thenhow does a parent know when a certain behavior is abnormal rather than merely a symptom of an unfilled need? See if these questions are
helpful:

ï¿½Is the behavior inappropriate for the age of the child? For instance, does your five-year-old insist on Mother feeding him?

ï¿½Does the behavior have a disruptive quality? Does he enter a room full of happily playing children and immediately run through the play areas, upsetting and
disrupting each group or activity?

ï¿½Does the behavior manifest itself everywhere? Is the child consistently whiny or cranky?

ï¿½Does the behavior persist, or, when "fixed," manifest itself in some other way? A common attention-getting strategy, for example, is to interrupt parents involved in
conversation; or, if forbidden or ignored, a child may seek attention by pinching or teasing a younger sibling.

Coping with a Change in the Environment

If behavior occurs rather suddenly and yet does not fit into one of the other behavioral categories, it may be helpful to examine the child's environment. Has there been
a change in the child's life such as a change in routine? Has a family event such as a marriage, death, divorce, a family move, or a new teacher at school affected him?

Behavior long discarded may manifest itself again as a child attempts to stabilize a disruption. For example, a two-year-old who has given up a bottle may regress to
demanding a bottle when a new baby joins the family. Understanding and patience on the part of parents is of utmost importance until the child readjusts.

Not Knowing a Better Way

Many times a child's behavior is the result of an effort to cope with a situation for which he or she has not been prepared, such as starting school, sitting in a chapel or
other sacred place, entering a library, encountering enticing toys and candy on display in a store, or having a peer want to play with a cherished toy. Parents often take
social skills for granted and assume too much for their children. We don't teach what we expect of them, nor do we think to prepare them to handle themselves in
simple but new experiences.

For example, very young children who are just beginning cooperative play but who lack the social skills to play with a group or initiate play with another child may seek
attention in negative ways. Knocking over another's block fort may be a child's way of saying, "Can I play too?" Many times adults take normal behavior and social
skills for granted and fail to teach and prepare children to handle themselves in simple situations.

Carol related how she often had make-believe rehearsals with Jon before going to such places as the doctor's office, dentist, restaurant, library, or church. It helped him
to be less afraid and better prepared, knowing both what to expect and what was expected of him.

Role playing is an excellent way to teach a child how to behave before facing the actual event. For example, if you have invited some other children over to play, take
time beforehand to role play with your child what might occur and how he might handle the situations that could arise so that everyone will be happy. You might say,
"Pretend I am Susan and I want to play with your train set. I might ask, ï¿½Can I play with this?' or I might just sit down and start playing. What will you do to make
sure Susan enjoys her visit here?" Then have the child actu-ally play his part out.

Discouragement

Often a child's difficulties and misbehavior are rooted in his feeling of not belonging to the family or not knowing his place in the family. A misbehaving child is often a
discouraged child, according to Rudolf Dreikurs, a prominent psychiatrist (see Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay, Parent's Handbook [Circle Pines, Minn.: American
Guidance Service], pp. 8-10). He suggests that the goals of the misbehaving, discouraged child tend to be:

1.To get attention: to keep Mother busy.

2.To boss Mother: to demonstrate power.

3.To counterhurt: to hurt Mother, get revenge.

4.To appear disabled: to get Mother to do a task or job.

Before a mother and father decide how to teach their children to behave responsibly, it is important that they analyze and discuss to-gether their understanding of what
they believe their child is trying to accomplish by his or her bizarre behavior. Actions and activities that seem totally illogical to others may still be consistent with the
goals the child is seeking. And as I mentioned earlier, the child may be unaware of his own goals.

Perhaps a guide to understanding and dealing with any behavior would be:

ï¿½Observe the behavior.

ï¿½Consider the goal or goals of the child.

ï¿½Look at what your impulsive responses to your child's behavior have been in the past, and then alter your response if what you have been doing is not working. Put
the responsibility back on the child. Here are some examples of a change in response:

Goal:

To get attention

To boss Mother

To counterhurt
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To appear diabled
To get attention

To boss Mother

To counterhurt

To appear diabled

Your Old Response:

Become irritated

Become angry

Take Offense

Become impatient; do it for him

Your New Response:

Ignore; if possible withdraw

Sidestep power struggle

Ignore; don't show hurt

Be encouraging; refuse to do it for him

Often when we act upon our first impulses we tend to do the very thing the child is manipulating us to do. Rememberbehavior is always purposeful, and if we are not
careful we may be rewarding a specific behavior by paying attention to it. If such is the case, you must do the unexpected. Ask yourself these questions:

ï¿½What is going on, or what really happened? Try to focus on the facts as best as you know them. We don't always know all the circumstances but often feel we must
make judgments anyway.

ï¿½What is my child's point of view? What is my child's orientation to this problem? Where is he or she coming from? Keep in mind developmental levels, social skills,
and personal goals.

ï¿½What can be done to improve the situation? What should my immediate and long-range responses be?

If you conclude that your child's behavior is the result of discouragement, ask yourself: "How can my spouse and I help our child gain courage? confidence? How can
we help him change his discouragement to feelings of adequacy, confidence, and acceptance?" This is always easier said than done, so let's practice. Here are four
examples. I have completed the first one for you.

Example 1

What Happened?

Mother sat on the park bench with several other mothers watching their children play. David, age two, ran from one child to another, snatching toys, kicking over sand
castles, and teasing. Mother called to him to stop and play with his own toys, and then she returned to her conversation. David continued his disruptive behavior,
ignoring her requests. Finally one of the mothers got up and walked over to her children and suggested they go to a different part of the park to play. Mother was
embarrassed, got up, grabbed David, and swatted him on the seat, hissing angrily, "David, I told you to stop that!" David sat down in the sandpile and played with his
toys.

What Was David's Goal?

The goal might have been to get attention. David kept Mother busy with him, causing her to interrupt her conversation.

What Should Mother's Immediate Response Have Been?

When David misbehaved, Mother could have removed him from the area, sat him next to her on the park bench, and explained that he could only get down when he
was ready to play nicely. Then she could have turned back to her conversation, ignoring his howls and protests. She would not need to explain again, no matter how
much she was tempted, until he quieted down and agreed to play nicely. As soon as he misbehaved again, Mom could have put him back on the bench without a word.

What Could Mother and Father's Long-Range Responses Be?

Children who seek undue attention are often discouraged and sense that they are important only when they are the center of attention. Their goal is to gain attention by
keeping others busy with them. When parents yield to these demands, they reinforce the child's desire to engage in this mistaken goal; yet in the process the child
receives no genuine sense of belonging and his quest becomes an endless one. The parent's task is to ignore misbehavior where possible and reinforce positive
experiences when the child is not demanding or being disruptive. (I intended this to be an example of a discouraged child; however, it might also demonstrate
developmental inadequacy. Perhaps David wasn't seeking attention from Mother at all but simply wanted to enter into play and didn't know how. If Mother suspects
this is the problem, she could demonstrate to David how he might ask another child if he can play too. Social skills need to be learned; they do not come programmed
in the genes and chromosomes!)

Example 2

What Happened?

Heather, age(c)
 Copyright    three, had a great
                2005-2009,       time swinging
                              Infobase         her arms back and forth through the block tower she had built and watching the blocks fly across the room. When it was
                                        Media Corp.                                                                                                   Page 62 / 85
time to put the toys away, Mother in-vited Heather to pick up the blocks and put them in the bucket. Heather pouted and did not move. Mother demanded, "Pick up
the blocks, Heather." Heather refused to move. Finally Mother sighed and picked up the blocks herself, complaining angrily, "Heather, that's naughty of you to make
Mommy clean up after you."
Example 2

What Happened?

Heather, age three, had a great time swinging her arms back and forth through the block tower she had built and watching the blocks fly across the room. When it was
time to put the toys away, Mother in-vited Heather to pick up the blocks and put them in the bucket. Heather pouted and did not move. Mother demanded, "Pick up
the blocks, Heather." Heather refused to move. Finally Mother sighed and picked up the blocks herself, complaining angrily, "Heather, that's naughty of you to make
Mommy clean up after you."

Before reading further, try to answer the last three questions I listed in example 1. You may even want to make notes. Then compare your answers with my comments
below. Follow this same format with examples 3 and 4.

Comment

As soon as Mother demanded, "Pick up the blocks, Heather," and saw that Heather was not going to comply, she was inviting a power struggle between her daughter
and herself. When she gave in, it seems obvious who won. However, in power struggles such as this, actually nobody wins. Mother lost control over her child, but
Heather lost because Mother was unhappy with her. Mother could have avoided the power struggle by saying to Heather, "Look, your blocks are all over the room.
What are we going to do now?" Heather might possibly have suggested that she could pick them up, but if she didn't, Mother might have said, "Would you like me to
help you pick them up?" The responsibility would have been placed on Heather, but Mother's offer to help would have made the job seem less overwhelming. When
this type of approach didn't work in similar situations with my own children, I said on occasion, "These are your toys, and if you want to play with them again it is your
job to put them away where you know you can find them next time. If I put them away I'll put them in the ï¿½sad closet' and you won't be able to get them for a
while."1

What was Heather's goal in this case? To boss Mother by winning a power struggle? Most likely. Often a child gains satisfaction in refusing to do what the parent wants
done. The child senses a loss in personal value if he gives in to the parent. It is as if the child needs to boss Mother to feel worthwhile. The goal of the parent should be
to teach and encourage cooperation and avoid power struggles by focusing on positive ways to reinforce a child's worth when he is behaving properly and
cooperatively. It is important that parents not feel threatened by a child's quest for power, or it will become more difficult to respond rationally.

Example 3

What Happened?

Six-year-old Katie slapped her three-year-old brother, Tyler, for coloring in her coloring book. Tyler ran crying to Mom. Mother scolded Katie and sent her to her
room. When Katie refused to go to her room, Mother swatted her on the rear and pushed her into her room, slamming the door. Katie screamed, "I hate you!" Tyler
settled down happily to color in his own book. The next day Mother found Katie tearing all the pages out of Tyler's coloring book. Mother grabbed the book away
from Katie and gave Tyler Katie's book to color in. Katie protested by grabbing all the crayons and throwing them across the room. What's going on here?

Comment

This is another kind of power struggle followed by Katie seeking revenge against Tyler and attention from Mother.Tyler purposely provoked Katie by scribbling in her
book and then ran to Mother when she retaliated, forcing Mom to take sides. Mother could have minded her own business, refusing to get involved and letting the two
of them work out their differences without her interference. It has been my experience that children know how to get along with each other very well when they know
that Mother is not there to run to. In fact, often when a baby-sitter or Dad is around, the child does not do the same things. Many times they tease each other in a bid
for Mother's attention even when the attention is negative and may lead to negative consequences.

What was Katie's goal in sneaking into Tyler's room to tear up his coloring book? Revenge and retaliation? Probably. This occurs when a parent and child become
increasingly involved in a power struggle and each tries to outdo the other. The discouraged child seeks revenge as his only means of winning the war, and if he can win,
he gains a feeling of power and importance. He is satisfied only if he hurts others. These children need love and encouragement. They see themselves as being bad and
unlikable. The parent must avoid feeling responsible to be judge and jury on every squabble. Punishment only reinforces an already poor self-concept, and the child
feels justified to retaliate. The parent must break this sort of cycle by (1) not getting involved, (2) not feeling hurt, and (3) offering encouragement and unconditional love
to the discouraged child at times when they are behaving properly.

Example 4

What Happened?

Brian, age six, wanted to go out to play with his friends on Saturday, but Mother insisted he had to straighten up his room first. Brian sat on his bed for a few minutes
and then started playing with a toy. When Mother came in to check on his progress, he started to cry, "I can't do my room. It's too hard!" Mother encouraged him to
try and pointed out exactly what he needed to do, step by step: "Hang up your clothes, put your books on the shelf and your toys in the box, and make your bed. You
can do it." She smiled confidently at Brian and left the room, shutting the door. Brian half-heartedly started but soon tired and went into the kitchen, whining, "I can't do
it! It takes too long." Mother, losing patience, grabbed Brian by the arm and pulled him back into his room, sitting him down firmly on the bed. "Of course you can do
it!" she said. "Look how easy this is!" She began to demonstrate by hanging up the clothes angrily, throwing the toys in the box, and shoving the books into place on the
shelf. "You stand over there and help me make this bed!" she told Brian. "Now, see how easy that was! That only took a few minutes, and you made a big deal about
it." Then she stormed out of the room. Brian happily put on his ball glove and hurried outside to join his friends.

Comment

Brian used helplessness to gain service and pity. It wasn't necessary for Mother to demonstrate how to straighten a room after she had gone over exactly what she
expected from Brian. She should have maintained her composure, reassured Brian that he could do it, and let the consequences followif the room wasn't done, he could
not play. Once he realized she was not going to feel sorry for him or buy into his "helpless" routine, he would have buckled down and done the job and felt much better
about himself.

Brian's goal was to appear disabled and avoid work. The child who gives up easily becomes a victim of his own helplessness. He feels he has no chance for success
and exaggerates his deficiencies and weaknesses, avoiding many tasks to save himself from the embarrassment of possible failure. The child in his case seems unable to
perform the simplest of tasks at times. He needs help with his homework, getting dressed, and completing even small jobs at home. Parents must resist the temptation
to do anything for him that he can do for himself and should give him lots of encouragement and praise when he does well. They must show the child that they have faith
in him in order for him to have faith in himself.
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Conclusion

The point of all this is that children, like many adults, learn to do what works. Discipline therefore must take on new meaning. It is synonymous with teaching, training,
perform the simplest of tasks at times. He needs help with his homework, getting dressed, and completing even small jobs at home. Parents must resist the temptation
to do anything for him that he can do for himself and should give him lots of encouragement and praise when he does well. They must show the child that they have faith
in him in order for him to have faith in himself.

Conclusion

The point of all this is that children, like many adults, learn to do what works. Discipline therefore must take on new meaning. It is synonymous with teaching, training,
and guiding, rather than punishing and restricting. Though we may often be skeptical, if this kind of discipline is done patiently with love and gentle firmness, children will
gain confidence in their own abilities, and your relationship with them will be strengthened as they gain competence in completing small and large tasksan important part
of their evolution into adulthood.

_____

Geri R. Brinley was born in Galesburg, Illinois, and grew up in Cache Valley, Utah. She graduated from Utah State University in child development and elementary
education, and later received a master's degree at USU. She organized and ran a nursery lab for two-year-olds at USU and supervised student teachers at the child
development lab at the University of Utah. She taught mother education classes for the BYU-Ogden Center and parenting classes at Education Weeks around the
West. She served on a Church writing committee for Primary. She has served in the Primary and Young Women organizations and currently is the Relief Society
president in her ward. She and her husband, Doug, have six children and live in Provo, Utah.

13 Changing Children's Behavior

Geri R. Brinley

Charlie, a rather normal three-year-old, was having a hard time settling down when bedtime came. In the past his mother had developed a routinefirst a bath, then
pajamas, brush teeth, have a story, prayer together and into bed, lights out, door shut. She tucked him in with a kiss and a pleasant good night, and she left the room.
But no sooner had she shut the door, then out he came behind her. Patiently she tucked him in again and left the room. But again he followed her out. Dad, after
watching his wife and son repeat this pattern several times, playfully snatched Charlie up in his arms and started wrestling and tickling him. "Let him play a little longer,"
the father said to his wife, who was now scowling. "He's just not tired yet, are you, Charlie?"

It is important that parents are consistent and united in their approach and response to their children's behavior. Where Father and Mother are both in the home, it is
important that they work together in their roles rather than against each other. Husbands must help wives in sharing the child-rearing role. President Howard W. Hunter
counseled fathers not to leave it up to Mom:

You [fathers] share, as a loving partner, the care of the children. Help her to manage and keep up your home. Help teach, train, and discipline your children. . . .

. . . The teaching and governance of the family must not be left to your wife alone, to society, to school, or even to the Church. . . .

. . . Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. (In
Conference Report, October 1994, pp. 67, 68.)

This means that the two of you have to be in agreement, or come to an agreement, on how you are going to rear your children. Your being united in your parenting
efforts is more important than you think. While it is true that there is more than one way to skin a cat, you can't skin it several ways at the same time! There are also
several approaches to child rearing and discipline, but some are better than others. Remember that a child will grow up regardless of the approach you take. If you
want your children to become happy, responsible adults, you must agree not only on your goals for them but also on some of the techniques you will use in raising them.
For example, it will do little good for one parent to be firm and consistent while the other takes a laid-back, laissez faire approach. Their children will be not only
confused but also manipulative as they learn to survive by playing one parent against the other.

Children Do What Works

It is a truism that human beings do what works, and what works will likely be repeated. If one approach does not achieve our ends, we'll try something else until we
succeed. It's that simple. Your task as parents is to help your children find positive ways to enjoy and function in their environment. Undesirable behavior often
becomes entrenched as a habit when we are rewarded for that behavior. Much of parenting involves identifying a child's reward system; responses which may not
appear to be rewards to us may appear to be so to the child. In those cases we will need to change our responses so that the undesirable behavior no longer is paid off.
Our child may persist in the old patterns for a while, but if you are patient and consistent, in time the behavior will be extinguished.

Elder Boyd K. Packer, in speaking of behavioral patterns we inadvertently program into our children (and then blame the children for), explained:

Parents, can we first consider the most painful part of your problem? If you want to reclaim your son or daughter, why don't you leave off trying to alter your child just
for a little while and concentrate on yourself. The changes must begin with you, not with your children.

You can't continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct
was one of the things that produced it.

There! It's been said! After all the evading, all the concern for wayward children. After all the blaming of others, the care to be gentle with parents. It's out!

It's you, not the child, that needs immediate attention. (In Conference Report, October 1970, p. 119.)

When we change our own behavior, changes in children's behavior will follow as surely as night follows day. It is not easy to change patterns, however, because so
often our responses have become automatic. But with simple guidelines, a little practice, consistency, follow-through, thoughtful planning, and lots of patience, you can
do it.

Establish Rules

One of the first ways to clarify your expectations for your children's behavior is in the form of rules. Every home is a microcosm of the larger community, which cannot
operate smoothly and efficiently without a semblance of order. One task of family life is to prepare children to live in the larger society, and social relations require
certain rules of conduct. A simple rule, for instance, is that we cannot take what does not belong to us without permission from the rightful owner. We cannot assert our
needs or desires ahead of the rights of others. We must learn to compromise. Respect for rights and ownership are basic requirements for people to live successfully in
aCopyright
  community  (c)or2005-2009,
                   in a home. AInfobase
                                 pleasantMedia  Corp. requires the work and cooperation of all memberswhether we are speaking of the community or our
                                         environment                                                                                                        Page
                                                                                                                                                               homes.64Each
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citizen has a duty and privilege to contribute to the welfare of the entire group through cooperation, productivity, and service. An important element of self-worth comes
from feeling that you are contributing to the well-being and happiness of others. Children feel they are important when they have a unique place and role to play in the
One of the first ways to clarify your expectations for your children's behavior is in the form of rules. Every home is a microcosm of the larger community, which cannot
operate smoothly and efficiently without a semblance of order. One task of family life is to prepare children to live in the larger society, and social relations require
certain rules of conduct. A simple rule, for instance, is that we cannot take what does not belong to us without permission from the rightful owner. We cannot assert our
needs or desires ahead of the rights of others. We must learn to compromise. Respect for rights and ownership are basic requirements for people to live successfully in
a community or in a home. A pleasant environment requires the work and cooperation of all memberswhether we are speaking of the community or our homes. Each
citizen has a duty and privilege to contribute to the welfare of the entire group through cooperation, productivity, and service. An important element of self-worth comes
from feeling that you are contributing to the well-being and happiness of others. Children feel they are important when they have a unique place and role to play in the
family.

All this brings me to the dreaded words family rules. However, they are designed to bless your life rather than frustrate you. Some general rules of thumb are to have
only a few rules, to keep them simple, and to be consistent on enforcement until the behavior is established. If you set a lot of long, complicated rules, everyone will be
confused and it will be impossible for parents to follow up well. Eight years of age seems to be a good time to begin more formal rules.

The best way my husband and I have found to establish family rulesrules that everybody feels good about and that are essential for cooperationis to gather in a family
council at the beginning of the school year. Everyone is expected to voice his or her ideas and feelings about the rules, and we want to be in agreement. (However, in
families with very young children, the family council may simply involve the parents.) It is important that we periodically review our rules in an atmosphere of love and
cooperation. Some of the primary purposes of a family council are to set family goals, discuss mutual expectations, and decide how goals and expectations are to be
met. With young children, Mom and Dad need to decide what values they want their children to acquire, how they expect their children to behave, and how they are
going to achieve their goals. Before you can successfully teach your children your goals and values, you two must be very clear about what you wish to encourage or
extinguish in their behavior.

Bob and Jane, for instance, feel strongly that little Jimmy should learn to enjoy work, but he's only two years old. What can they do to work on that goal now? Bob and
Jane are wise to begin now, for two-year-olds are just beginning to notice what Mom and Dad do and want to mimic their parents. He wants to identify with them by
doing what they do. Right now he is not aware that it is work. Together Bob and Jane may decide the following:

1. They will give Jimmy small jobs he can do well, such as helping put away toys, helping make his bed, and helping take the silverware out of the dishwasher and put it
away. Notice that all the jobs mentioned are "helping" jobs. Jimmy cannot be expected to perform those tasks by himself at first and will enjoy doing them more with
someone else. In the process he will learn how they are to be done. Before long he will be able to do more and more tasks independently as he matures and acquires
more skills. Remember that work should be viewed as a privilege and not a punishment. Mother and Dad's attitudes about household duties are important in this
regard.

2. Bob and Jane will decide to resist the temptation to do for Jimmy what he can do for himself. This will require patience on their part. So often we are in a hurry and
don't want to take the time to allow a child to improve in some skill level.

3. Bob and Jane will agree upon what their response will be if and when Jimmy ever decides he does not want to be helpful. This will become increasingly important as
Jimmy matures and begins to separate work from play, obedience from independence. (Using natural consequences will be discussed later.)

When children are older and become part of a family council, they should be allowed to voice their opinions and concerns and to help construct family rules. Children
are also good at setting consequences when rules are broken. Parents will find their children much more cooperative when the children have a voice in determining the
makeup of the rules and their enforcement. Care must be taken, however, not to allow children to make decisions that sacrifice the parents' core beliefs and values
about right and wrong. While children often surprise us with their innate wisdom, they are still children and have not yet gained the experience or wisdom of their
parents. Wise parents, guided by core values, can help their children make decisions that all family members are comfortable with.

For example, Steven, age ten, may feel he should be allowed to sleep as late as he wants to on Saturday morning, watch cartoons, and do his Saturday chores at his
leisure. Some parents may be comfortable with this schedule, but others may harbor a belief that work should be done before play and that this habit, once developed,
will serve the child well all his life. If Steven's parents agree to his wishes but actually feel upset about it, they will have a difficult time living with his behavior, and
Saturdays will be filled with unhealthy tension. To further complicate the situation, Saturday is often the only day that all members can participate in family activities.
There will be times when Steven will have to sacrifice his personal preferences for the good of the whole family. The point is that if we have this valuework first and play
laterwe need to structure rules so that this lesson is taught.

Rules may involve bedtime hours, curfews for weekdays and weekends, church attendance and Sabbath day activities, dating age and frequency, allowances,
participation in family activities, and support of individual family members' performances and programs. Underlying values such as honesty, morality, and personal
integrity should be the framework for all family goals and rules.

Family rules will need to change from time to time as everyone's needs and ages change. In our home they often changed within the year from what we called "summer
rules" to "school time" rules. For instance, in the summer our younger children were to come in from play when the streetlights came on, while the older children had
extended nightly curfews. The breakfast hour was moved back an hour to allow for later hours the night before. Since our children had more time during the summer,
family household and yard responsibilities were carried out on a daily basis rather than just Saturday, which was often taken up with community sports or band activities
anyway. During the school year TV watching was off limits on school nights, which left only Friday night and some Saturday time for program viewing. While we still
felt some restrictions were necessary in the summer, our children agreed to read an hour for every hour they watched TV, which helped limit the "glued to the tube"
syndrome.

Once rules are agreed upon and individual responsibilities clearly explained, decide how enforcement and follow-up is to take place. Leave family councils on a positive
note and assume that everyone will cooperate, but realistically know it just isn't always going to happen that way. Children (and adults) forget, get hurried, and become
sidetrackedand every child was programmed at birth to push the limits just as hard as he can at times to see if his parents are really there! He may fuss and fume when
his immediate desires collide with a rule he himself agreed to just days before, but he will also be relieved to know what he can and can't depend upon. It's all a part of
developing trust in each other.

Now, that brings us to the critical question, how do you discipline an erring child?

Teach Correct Principles and Let Nature Take Its Course

Parents should allow children to learn from natural consequences whenever possible. This is a general rule of thumb and may need to be adjusted on occasion.
Obviously, you can't allow a child to run out into the road and be smashed to teach a lesson. But generally speaking it serves as an excellent guide.

Letting children experience the natural consequences of their misbehavior is an important method of preserving order, for two reasons. First, a child may try but he can't
seriously blame anyone except himself for his "punishment"; and second, the desired behavior becomes internalized as he practices good and bad choices.
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Direct intervention on your part in the form of commands, scoldings, spankings, and so on is external, and a child can logically view this as punishment he can avoid by
simply not getting caught. Consequences are acceptable to the innate logic of a child, while punishment at best is only tolerable and is more often resented. Sometimes
parents are tempted to intervene in the opposite direction to spare the child the pain of any consequences. This, too, is often a mistake, for the child then learns he will
Obviously, you can't allow a child to run out into the road and be smashed to teach a lesson. But generally speaking it serves as an excellent guide.

Letting children experience the natural consequences of their misbehavior is an important method of preserving order, for two reasons. First, a child may try but he can't
seriously blame anyone except himself for his "punishment"; and second, the desired behavior becomes internalized as he practices good and bad choices.

Direct intervention on your part in the form of commands, scoldings, spankings, and so on is external, and a child can logically view this as punishment he can avoid by
simply not getting caught. Consequences are acceptable to the innate logic of a child, while punishment at best is only tolerable and is more often resented. Sometimes
parents are tempted to intervene in the opposite direction to spare the child the pain of any consequences. This, too, is often a mistake, for the child then learns he will
not be held accountable for bad choices and may grow up with the mistaken idea that someone will always be there to act as a buffer between him and reality. He will
not learn to accept the need for law and order until he realizes that it is more valuable and satisfying to respect the rules of conduct than to violate them. Do not deny
your little one the opportunity to learn from mistakes while such mistakes are still fairly harmless. A toddler will not learn to walk if you do not let go of his hand. A two-
year-old may insist on doing things himself and may get his shoes on the wrong foot. The right shoe may pinch the left foot and he'll be a little uncomfortable, but that
isn't life threatening. A child who doesn't put his shoes in the right place may not be able to find them when it's time for school, but he won't die if he has to wear an old
pair he doesn't like as well for a day or two. He may be late for school while he's searching for them, but again, those consequences are not your concern; they are his.
This may sound cruel and unfeeling to some, but it is just the opposite. Part of loving a child is allowing him the opportunity to grow and learn so that he may de-velop
an independence from his parents. It is much more cruel to disable a child by making him feel dependent and insecure about his own abilities to handle himself in a
variety of social situations.

When a child makes a poor choice, ask yourself before jumping in to save him, What are the natural consequences of this choice? What will he learn from it? Andthis is
a biggieCan I live with it? Our five-year-old, David, once left his new Schwinn bike out in the front yard all night, and the next day it was gone. He learned a hard
lesson, and we were as sad as he was. But what if we had noticed the bike out there after David had gone to bed? Even though he had been told never to leave it out
and warned what might happen, we would have been very tempted to bring it in for himnot because that would have been best for him, but because the bike cost more
money than we would have been willing to lose to teach him that lesson. What should a parent do then?

First of all, try not to make a rule you know you can't live with. Second, if in a case like this you feel it necessary to intervenewhen a child wanders out in the busy road,
for instanceyou may wish to contrive a "natural consequence." This sounds like a contradiction, but it, too, has some logic.

We could have explained to David that since he isn't responsible yet to take care of a nice Schwinn bike, we have put it away for a while until he demonstrates more
responsibility. (Parents and children can work out how to measure responsibility and for how long.) We could make it clear to him that we are sad, too, because we
enjoyed seeing him on his bike, but we love him more than the bike.

Eight-year-old Jonathan was almost always late coming in for dinner. We talked to him about how important it was for all of us to be together and how unfair it was for
him to make extra work for those responsible for preparing the meal and cleaning up the dishes because he wanted to play a little longer. None of this talking helped. A
wise parent knows there is a time to quit talking and actso we did. The next time Jonathan came in an hour after dinner was over, the food was put away, the dishes
washed, and, in effect, the kitchen was closed. We explained we were sorry he would have to go to bed hungry, because that's not pleasant for a growing, active boy;
and we were very genuine in our sorrow, but we loved him too much to allow him to go on disregarding the rights of others. Once rules and consequences are
established it is important that we simply allow them to happen and that we stop talking, explaining, chastising, and postponing the consequences "until next time."
Perhaps we can be like Lehi who exhorted his children "with all the feeling of a tender parent, that they would hearken to his words. . . . He bade them to keep the
commandments of the Lord; and [then] he did cease speaking unto them." (1 Ne. 8:37-38.)

A few clues may help distinguish the fine line separating natural consequences from punishment. I've already suggested onelogic. Consequences must have an inner logic
that is understandable to the child. For example, if you are trying to get your child to eat his lunch, and he happens to be planning on going to a movie, telling him he
can't go until he's eaten has no logic. But reminding him that there will be no more meals until dinnertime does, because he knows that if he doesn't have lunch, he will
probably be hungry laterespecially if he's not allowed or can't afford to buy candy and snacks at the movie.

Another difference is merely in the way the parents present the consequence. It should not be stated as a form of retaliation with a feeling of "This will show you!" but
rather as a result of a choice the child made or will make. A parent might say, for example, "As long as you continue to be rowdy and rude at the table, you will not be
allowed to eat with the family." It puts the ball in the child's court. The choice is his. A punishing response might be, "Andrew, I can't stand this noise at the table. Go to
your room and stay there!" The results are the same but the feel is different. In the second case the isolation is final and ends the episode but not the problem, while in
the first case the child is in controlhe may return as soon as he feels he is ready to behave responsibly. The important thing is to make it clear that it is up to him to
change the situation.

Implement a Positive System of Discipline

Often when a child feels discouraged or when his sense of belonging has been restricted, he will seek a false goal to satisfy his unmet needs. In order to gain a sense of
self-realization and find a place for himself, he will devote all of his attention to negative behavior to achieve his mistaken goals. It must be remembered that behavior is,
in general, purposeful.

It is more appropriate to view undesirable or disturbing behavior as misdirected rather than "bad." Misbehaving children can be viewed as discouraged children.

Here are several steps that are necessary to make discipline more effective:

1. Parents must develop and maintain a trusting relationship with their children in order to gain their cooperation. Perhaps a good rule would be: You cannot positively
influence children until you first build a relationship with them. We need to spend time with them other than when we are correcting them. Give attention to a child when
he is behaving and obeying, not just when you are upset with him. Reassure him that your love is not conditional upon his actions. Here is the principle: If you didn't love
them so much, being a parent would be easy because then you could just let them do whatever they wanted to do, to behave any way they wished, and you wouldn't
care. But because you love them and want them to grow up to be happy people, teaching them and setting rules are necessary until they are mature enough to make
wise choices on their own.

2. Help your children understand the consequences of their behavior and the way it affects others as well as themselves. Use misbehavior as a teaching tool, utilizing
natural consequences, rather than as a cause for retribution.

3. Be willing to listen to your children and to see things from their perspective too. Sometimes children have insights that indicate they are responsible.

4. Be willing and able to give encouragement to your children and to offer alternatives to inappropriate behavior. Here are some examples to help you.

Child's Behavior
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Whining and fussing

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response
4. Be willing and able to give encouragement to your children and to offer alternatives to inappropriate behavior. Here are some examples to help you.

Child's Behavior

Whining and fussing

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response

"Stop your whining!"

"You're always whining!"

Encouraging Response

"Ask me in a grown-up voice."

"Can you talk in a more pleasant voice?"

Child's Behavior

Hits another child

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response

"Stop fighting!"

Encouraging Response

"There is a better way to show Mindy that you did not like what she did." (Demonstrate.) Show that you can talk about your feelings instead of hitting.

Child's Behavior

Arguing

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response

"Quit your arguing!"

Encouraging Response

"You can probably solve this problem if you talk to each other quietly instead of shouting." "Let's each take a turn talking and see if we can help each other
understand." (Some parents like to use a "time out" room where the child can be alone to calm down and think for a few minutes.)

Child's Behavior

Loud, rough play in the living room

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response

"Stop that loud roughhousing!"

Encouraging Response

"Remember, in the house you need to play quietly." "You can play in the living room as long as you play quietly." "What are our rules about playing in the house?"

Child's Behavior

Not doing chores

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response

"Why haven't you done your chores?"

Encouraging Response

"What are you going to do about your chores?" "It helps the rest of us so much when everyone does his share." "You'll feel much better about your play if your chores
are all done. You may sit here on this chair or you may do your chores."

Child's Behavior

Grouchy teenager bossing a younger child

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response

"Don't talk to Todd that way!"

Encouraging Response
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"Todd responds to you much better when you explain things to him." "If you ask Todd nicely and show him how, you'll both feel better."
"Don't talk to Todd that way!"

Encouraging Response

"Todd responds to you much better when you explain things to him." "If you ask Todd nicely and show him how, you'll both feel better."

Child's Behavior

Makes a mistake

Parent's Critical, Discouraging Response

"That was stupid!" "You are so dumb!" "What did you do that for?"

Encouraging Response

"I'm sorry that happened; what can you do about it?" "It looks like you've got a problem. What do you plan to do now?"

Occasionally Use the Element of Surprise

To stop a child from acting in a particular way, you may catch him off guard by responding in a totally different way than he anticipated, thus helping him see the activity
with a new perspective.

My daughter Becky was determined as a five-year-old to run away from home. When she told me her intentions, instead of getting angry and locking her in her room I
talked with her about her feelings. She said her brother was a big bully and she didn't want to live with him anymore. I explained that people in families aren't always
perfect and that part of the reason we live in families is to learn how to get along with other people. No matter where she lived or whom she lived with, she would
always have to adjust to others. She still thought it worth a try to find another family that suited her better, so I agreed to help her pack a bag if that's what she was
determined to do. We visited pleasantly while we packed her favorite things. I told her I would miss her very much but wanted her to be happy, and kissed her good-
bye. She lugged her heavy suitcase around the block and sat on the front steps of a friend's house in the rain, waiting for someone to come home. No one came home
before she tired of sitting there, so she lugged her suitcase back, slipped quietly downstairs to her room, and unpacked. I told her how happy I was to have her home
again, and nothing more was said. She never ran away again.

A friend of mine had a similar situation. She used the same prin-ciple but in a different way. When her little daughter got upset about something and announced she was
going to run away, her mother said, "Sometimes I feel that way too! Can I go with you?" The daughter agreed, so they took a few silly things with them and had a
wonderful afternoon together before they both decided it was time to go home.

Satiation Principle: Let Behavior Run Its Course

Sometimes to stop a child from acting in a particular way, we may allow or even insist that he continue performing the undesired act until he tires of it.

Allowing behavior to run its course is not the same as permissively condoning poor behavior. The Satiation Principle works best when the child discovers for himself
that the rewards he receives for poor behavior are not nearly as satisfying as the rewards he would get for better behavior. The adult does not condone or reward poor
behavior. He merely allows the child to discover that the anticipated benefits do not usually live up to his expectations.

I used this principle myself when Jonathan refused to help the rest of the family do Saturday cleaning. I said to him, "Okay, if you would rather sit in a chair and watch
while the rest of us work, you may do just that. You sit there and watch while we do our jobs and yours." Of course, I made sure that the chair was a hard, straight-
backed one and that there was nothing at all nearby to entertain him while he sat there. Then we happily went about our chores untiland I didn't hurry with thisI got
around to doing Jonathan's. When I had dragged it out long enough, he tired of sitting with nothing to do and asked to get off the chair and be allowed to do his jobs.
This principle operates on the theory that a little bit of something might be fun, but a whole lot of it becomes a punishmentin this case, a self-inflicted punishment.

If you are creative you will find many ways to apply this principle. There are, however, a few guidelines to keep in mind. The Satiation Principle works best when:

a child's actions are not seriously harmfulannoying activities such as throwing spitballs, incessant talking, or refusing to eat anything but one favorite thing.

a child needs to learn the consequences of his actionssuch actions as not wanting to go to bed, playing hooky from school, or running away from home.

a child needs help in identifying mistakes. Actually have the child repeat a mistake over and over again until it is easily recognizable.

The Satiation Principle should not be used when:

the behavior may be harmful.

continuing the behavior results in additional reinforcement. You must be pretty sure it is going to be a negative experience.

the repeated behavior differs from the desired behavior. For example, writing "I won't talk in class" a hundred times on the board does not tire the student from talking,
only from writing.

you know you can't make him stick with it long enough to get satiated.

The Extinction Principle: Eliminate Rewards

To stop a child from acting in a particular way, arrange conditions so that no reward is received following an undesirable act. Recall that all behavior is purposeful.
While a parent will want to stop a particular behavior by eliminating any rewards a child may receive, Mom or Dad may want to discover the cause of the behavior and
offer a more acceptable activity to the child. Simply eliminating a much-desired reward from a discouraged child for one behavior will only cause the child to find
another behavior that might be equally as bad, or worse.

Positive Reinforcement:
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The key to success here is making the desirable behavior yield more positive consequences than the undesirable behavior, and ensuring that both the desirable and the
undesirable behaviors can't be done at the same time.
While a parent will want to stop a particular behavior by eliminating any rewards a child may receive, Mom or Dad may want to discover the cause of the behavior and
offer a more acceptable activity to the child. Simply eliminating a much-desired reward from a discouraged child for one behavior will only cause the child to find
another behavior that might be equally as bad, or worse.

Positive Reinforcement: Rewarding Good Behavior

The key to success here is making the desirable behavior yield more positive consequences than the undesirable behavior, and ensuring that both the desirable and the
undesirable behaviors can't be done at the same time.

Adults working with troubled teens report great success when they enlist the teens' help in something like an anti-litter campaign, knowing those very same young
people were the ones who had previously been litterers. A neighborhood basketball program eliminated a rash of broken streetlights, not because the two were related
but because the restless youth couldn't do both at the same time and found playing basketball was more fun and more rewarding than vandalism.

When teaching young children who are more easily controlled than teenagers, a parent might try something as simple as offering praise and small rewards for
appropriate behavior and ignoring any inappropriate behavior. We offered a special family night dinner out whenever a child brought home a good report card. We
planned a fun activity to anticipate when Saturday jobs were completedbreakfast or lunch out. There was time for a story if everyone hurried and got ready for bed on
time. We are not ashamed to admit we even paid our children a small sum for every book they read until they began to enjoy reading so much we couldn't afford to pay
them anymore! By that time they were reading for the enjoyment and not the reward. Saying "Thank you for doing such a good job of dusting," "You were a big help to
me today," or "I like the way you play with the baby and make him happy while I'm busy fixing dinner" might be sufficient reward for a child to feel good about himself
and his place in the family.

Summary

Things for parents to remember and do:

1. Discipline is not a nasty word but rather a method of guiding a child towards mature, responsible adulthood.

2. Think of children's mistakes as opportunities to teach them better ways to accomplish tasks or be helpful to others.

3. Remember: all behavior is purposeful. Consider your child's age and past performances. Try to determine the stage of growth he is in and the developmental task he
is currently working through.

4. When a child sustains a consistent pattern of misbehaving, ask yourself:

Has he experienced a change in routine? A major event or trauma resulting from a death, marriage, divorce, or birth of a sibling? Have we or a good friend moved
recently? Does he or she have a new teacher at school? Is there a threat or challenge at school or home with which he feels unable to cope?

Have we taught him or her ways to deal with situations in a socially acceptable way?

Is our child discouraged? What does his goal seem to be (to get attention, boss Mother, counterhurt, appear disabled)?

5. Are your responses reactionary and predictable?

6. Have you and your spouse talked about your goals for your child, and have you agreed on what your responses to his mistakes are going to be?

7. Remember, children learn to do what works for them. Is misbehavior paying off for him? How can we see that we don't reward him for inappropriate behavior?

8. Look at your own actions and ask yourself, "What am I doing, saying, or acting out that might cause my child to behave as he does?"

9. Hold regular family councils (even if it is just with you and your spouse) and determine your core values and goals for your family and how to best achieve them.

10. With your children, create a set of rules that will meet your family's needs. Keep them few and simple, decide sensible consequences, and post them somewhere
within everyone's view.

11. When a family rule is broken, rather than asking the child, "Why did you do that?" ask, "What is the rule our family decided upon?" and encourage the child to
verbalize it.

12. Before determining what to do about a misbehavior, ask the child, "What do you think we should do about this?" Rely upon the natural or logical consequences to
help you arrive at a solution. Sometimes it is best just to let them occur without any discussion, especially if there has been sufficient discussion in the past. If this
approach doesn't seem to fit, try applying one of the other principles (positive choices, the element of surprise, satiation, eliminating rewards, or rewarding good
behavior).

13. Remember, the more consistent you are with follow-through, the more quickly your child will learn what you want him or her to know and do.

14. Once a principle has been discussed or taught, stop talking and act. You need not remind a child of the consequences more than once.

15. Instead of barking commands at a misbehaving child, provide alternatives in a firm but friendly way.

14 Social Science Research Sustains Prophetic Counsel

Jacqueline F. de Gaston

Years before modern principles of nutrition became well known, the Lord revealed the Word of Wisdom. In 1833 no research had been done showing that tobacco,
alcohol, tea, or coffee had negative effects on our physical bodies. Today, of course, the picture has changed, with a dramatic accumulation of scientific evidence to
support every aspect of this inspired counsel. Is anyone living today who is not aware of the health problems attributed to these substances? Before scientific studies
confirmed the Lord's counsel, however, wise Latter-day Saints preserved their own health by following the counsel of prophets.

 Copyright
There        (c) 2005-2009,
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                     to this experience  Media   Corp. of Wisdom and counsel relating to marriage and family life. The Lord in our day has warned us ofPage
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                                                                                                                                                                to build
strong marriages and develop healthy relationships with our children if we want to be happy and successful as parents and to carry out his latter-day work more
effectively. At times he has even taken to task Church leaders who forgot their most important priorities. (See D&C 93:39-50, where the First Presidency and bishop
alcohol, tea, or coffee had negative effects on our physical bodies. Today, of course, the picture has changed, with a dramatic accumulation of scientific evidence to
support every aspect of this inspired counsel. Is anyone living today who is not aware of the health problems attributed to these substances? Before scientific studies
confirmed the Lord's counsel, however, wise Latter-day Saints preserved their own health by following the counsel of prophets.

There is a parallel to this experience with the Word of Wisdom and counsel relating to marriage and family life. The Lord in our day has warned us of the need to build
strong marriages and develop healthy relationships with our children if we want to be happy and successful as parents and to carry out his latter-day work more
effectively. At times he has even taken to task Church leaders who forgot their most important priorities. (See D&C 93:39-50, where the First Presidency and bishop
of the Church were chastised for neglecting their families.) We have been counseled to teach our children the gospel, to give our time to them in healthy interactions and
activities that will build close relationships with them while they are young, and to teach and monitor them as they gain maturity and experience in issues of agency and
choice. We are called upon as parents, especially in this final dispensation, to rear a generation of children who love their parents, their God, and their neighbors. The
prophets, as usual, have been in the forefront of counsel on this issue; and, as in the Word of Wisdom example, students of social science are now confirming the
wisdom of the prophets on family matters. In this chapter I will show how this research sustains the Lord's counsel.

First, we need to have the proper perspective on secular learning and its relationship to what the Lord has given through his servants. Years ago Elder Boyd K. Packer
counseled Church members on this issue:

I have come to believe that it is the tendency for many members of the Church who spend a great deal of time in academic research to begin to judge the Churchits
doctrine, organization, and leadership, present and pastby the principles of their own profession. Ofttimes this is done unwittingly, and some of it, perhaps, is not
harmful.

It is an easy thing for a man with extensive academic training to measure the Church using as his standard the principles he has been taught in his professional training. In
my mind it ought to be the other way around. A member of the Church ought always, particularly if he is pursuing extensive academic studies, to judge the professions
of man against the revealed word of the Lord. (Packer 1991, 101.)

I believe this to be wise counsel.

Spending Time With Children

A number of years ago President Ezra Taft Benson spoke of the importance of the God-ordained role of mothers in a talk entitled "To the Mothers in Zion" (Benson
1990). He gave counsel on a number of matters including the importance of having children in the first place, and admonished mothers to rear their children the "Lord's
way." "Contrary to conventional wisdom," he said, "a mother's calling is in the home, not in the marketplace" (ibid., 29). Though this counsel was not well received by
many, even in the Church, there are a number of research studies that confirm the wisdom of his message.

One of the greatest changes in our society in the past decades has been the decrease in the amount of time parents spend with children. The oft-repeated buzzwords in
parenting became "quality time." This attitude encouraged some parents to give their children more of their attention, but for some it seemed to justify being away from
their children as long as they could spend "quality time" with them in the evenings. The message to parents was that the amount of time spent with their children was not
as important as the quality of the time they spent together.

Armed with high intentions, well-meaning mothers went to the workplace with aspirations of "quality time" in the evening compensating for their being away during the
day. Reality turned out to be tired mothers coming home from work with very little time or energyquality or otherwiseto spend with their children.

Initial research supported the notion that the children of mothers who worked out of the home were not harmed by this mother absence. However, it is now clear that
this early research focused on the aca-demic achievement of children rather than such important things as values, morals, self-concept, character, depression, sexual
activity, and peer relationships. Since some of the early exponents of two-career families were highly educated women themselves, it is not surprising that their children
did well academically. Thus, this early research comparing children with well-educated working mothers to children with mothers who were homemakers was not a
valid comparison.

Further research has demonstrated that "quality time" is not the solution so many hoped it would be. Few family experts now even use the term. In fact, one report on a
large sample of young Americans between the ages of eighteen and twenty-nine indicated that the young adult population is a "back-to-basics bunch" who feel that they
are the first to experience the downside of the two-income family and who see themselves as being neglected. The subjects of this study reported that they "don't want
[their] kids to go through what [their] parents put them through," an ordeal they described as loneliness. Quality time didn't seem to be valuable to them, and this young-
adult group had a surprising amount of anger and resentment about their absentee parents. (Gross and Scott 1990.) Other research has shown that both working
mothers and their school-age children agree that when a mother works, she has too little time to spend with her children (Gottfried, Gottfried, and Bathurst 1988).

Some Mothers Must Work

The prophets are aware that many mothers must work. That has been my own lot in life as a single mother with eight children (two are married). President Ezra Taft
Benson said, "We realize . . . that some of our choice sisters are widowed and divorced and that others find themselves in unusual circumstances where, out of
necessity, they are required to work for a period of time" (Benson 1990, 29).

Elder Richard G. Scott, in commenting on President Benson's remarks, added, "You in these unusual circumstances [of having to work outside the home] qualify for
additional inspiration and strength from the Lord" (Scott 1993, 43).1

Day-Care Centers

President Benson counseled mothers that they were needed at home to teach and train and receive and love their children into security. Another popular buzzword for
working parents has been "quality" day care. Although there are wide institutional differences in the caliber of care given at such centers, there are also basic problems
that have been identified in most day-care establishments that are not in harmony with the goals of most parents. Author Penelope Leach reported that day-care centers
fail to meet the needs of small children, especially infants, because they cannot provide the "one-to-one attention" that young children require. She concluded that
"toddlers . . . require delicate handling . . . [and] patience, both of which are inevitably in short supply in most day care centers." (Leach 1994, 31-48, 68-102.)

The sad fact is that numerous personality and social skill deficiencies are being reported in children who spend their early years in these centersproblems such as an
insecure attachment to parents and a premature peer dependencywhich often persist into the adolescent and young adult years. According to author Robert Karen in a
1994 publication, secure mother-child attachments are compromised by day-care arrangements, and the effects of the "insecure" or "anxious" infant-mother attachment
are felt not only in later childhood but possibly through adult life as well (Karen 1994). Developmental psychologist Jay Belsky, who at first was a supporter of the day-
care movement, became uneasy over the increasing volume of research suggesting there were negative effects of such care for infants. In the 1980s he stopped
reassuring the public that infant day care was adequate and began to publicly acknowledge that such out-of-home care was a negative factor in mother-child bonding
and  was more
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There is a substantial amount of research indicating that children in day-care centers are at higher risk for a number of health problems including parasite infestation
(Hoelcelman 1994) and gastroenteritis (Mitchell 1993), and the youngest children, especially those under one year, have the greatest health risks (ibid.). Not only are
1994 publication, secure mother-child attachments are compromised by day-care arrangements, and the effects of the "insecure" or "anxious" infant-mother attachment
are felt not only in later childhood but possibly through adult life as well (Karen 1994). Developmental psychologist Jay Belsky, who at first was a supporter of the day-
care movement, became uneasy over the increasing volume of research suggesting there were negative effects of such care for infants. In the 1980s he stopped
reassuring the public that infant day care was adequate and began to publicly acknowledge that such out-of-home care was a negative factor in mother-child bonding
and was more conducive to outward and aggressive behavior. (Belsky and Rovine 1988.)

There is a substantial amount of research indicating that children in day-care centers are at higher risk for a number of health problems including parasite infestation
(Hoelcelman 1994) and gastroenteritis (Mitchell 1993), and the youngest children, especially those under one year, have the greatest health risks (ibid.). Not only are
many physicians concerned that serious health problems spread from child to child in these centers, but they have also documented an increased risk of children in day
care spreading serious infections to other family members, including unborn babies (Goodman 1994).

Financial Sacrifice

Providing children with a full-time mother becomes a financial sacrifice for many families. There is little question that two incomes provide for more basic physical
needs, and certainly any luxuries are limited when a family depends on only one breadwinner. However, the advantages to the spiritual and emotional development of
children by having Mother there may be worth the effort in most cases. It can be said that little children who are healthy are rather inexpensive to rear until they reach
junior high school, and there is no reason why children at those ages cannot have paper routes, baby-sitting jobs, or similar employment outside the home to pay their
own expenses. My own advice to my daughters is, "If you want to stay home with your children, stay out of stores, be thrifty, and support your husband in his work so
he can be a better employee and contribute more to his employment." Rather than insisting on training a husband to be a part-time assistant homemaker so the wife can
have a career also, I encourage young women to support their husband's career and encourage him to do well in the breadwinner role. Every woman, of course, wants
a husband who will help out around the home and assist in caring for the childrenand his efforts are certainly welcome. But if Mom is to be at home with her children,
she must understand that he may need to work extra hours to earn an adequate income. The educational level of the husband is important, and if mothers help their sons
and daughters read and write in the home before they go to school, there is a greater chance that their children will enjoy the educational process and will seek more
educationwhich leads to higher paying professions.

Husbands Are to Honor Their Wives

President Howard W. Hunter, in a general conference priesthood address, encouraged men, "Honor your wife's unique and divinely appointed role as a mother in
Israel and her special capacity to bear and nurture children. . . . Help teach, train, and discipline your children." He summarized the counsel of earlier prophets in saying
that "effective family leadership . . . requires both quantity and quality time. The teaching and governance of the family must not be left to your wife alone, to society, to
school, or even to the Church." (Hunter 1994, 67, 68.)

A father influences his children not only in a direct way, through his efforts at fatherhood, but also as he supports his wife's decision to be a full-time mother. President
Benson said, in another priesthood address:

I continue to emphasize the importance of mothers staying home to nurture, care for, and train their children in the principles of righteousness.

As I travel throughout the Church, I feel that the great majority of Latter-day Saint mothers earnestly want to follow this counsel. But we know that sometimes the
mother works outside of the home at the encouragement, or even insistence, of her husband. It is he who wants the items of convenience that the extra income can buy.
Not only will the family suffer in such instances, brethren, but your own spiritual growth and progression will be hampered. I say to all of you, the Lord has charged men
with the responsibility to provide for their families in such a way that the wife is allowed to fulfill her role as mother in the home. (Benson 1987, 60-61.)

Basic decisions regarding the amount of time a mother spends with her children and the spiritual and educational guidance given to them is often influenced by the
desires and values of the husband/father. When a man respects his wife and her role and duties as a homemaker and mother, it is more likely that she will feel a greater
responsibility and pride in these roles. A man who is critical or demeaning of his wife as a mother, on the other hand, will find her giving less dedication to her divine
calling.

Fathers, by working hard and responsibly, can encourage mothers to be with their children. Fathers can increase their own chances for success and promotion or
achievement in their employment and thus lessen the need for a second income.

Our society already encourages women to seek paid employment, and husbands should be careful not to add to any cultural pressure on their wives to leave home on
their own. It seems apparent from the warning of the prophets that the increased number of women in employment has had an enormous impact on our society.
Economist Valerie Oppenheimer reviewed the economic and social history of America and concluded, "Married women's rising employment is increasingly seen as the
single most critical factor transforming the family system of American society; for many this signifies the unraveling of America's social heritage." She added that "the
deterioration in [the] young men's labor market position is so substantial . . . that its demographic consequences should not be ignored." Such an economic model, she
concluded, discourages "specialization and exchange" and encourages a "more collaborative" model of family life. The collaborative model, in turn, encourages low
fertility and carries with it "built-in" marital instability. (Oppenheimer 1994.) More simply, the increase in women working outside the home has given men reduced
employment opportunities and income, which has resulted in smaller families, yet more divorce!

Encouraging Spiritual Activities in the Home

President Benson counseled parents to pray with their children and gather them at least weekly for a family home evening. He counseled parents to involve children in
these prayers and to hold spiritually uplifting family home evenings. The promise was given many years ago by the First Presidency that "if the Saints obey this counsel
[of having family home evenings], . . . great blessings will result" (Clark 1965-75, 4:339).

Prophets have also counseled us to read scriptures as a family. Activitiesprayers, family scripture study, and family home eveningstake time, preparation, and dedication
on the part of parents. There is a greater chance that these activities will occur when Mother is there to do her important part. She can read to her children throughout
the day and teach them lessons and values in teaching moments. Her love and support when they come and go are important elements in the childhood memories of her
offspring.

I know from personal experience as a single mother that when I have been involved outside of my homeeven in social and community activities, educational endeavors,
or employment seekingthere has been less time to assist my children to develop their spiritual capacities. At the very least I lack calm and unhurried one-on-one time
with them, time when I can visit with them and be their friend and counselor.

Spiritual Dimensions

Religion matters in many ways in a child's life. Numerous studies have shown that religiosityattendance at Church meetings and the priority one places on religion as
manifested
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                                               Corp.        predicts sexual activity or abstinence (de Gaston and Jensen 1994). A study of moral values and     Page behavior
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among middle school students in Ogden, Utah, showed that religiosity made a remarkable difference as to substance abuse (particularly alcohol), work ethic and
achievement orientation, honesty and integrity, stealing, telling lies, rebelliousness, internal or external motivation to do well, vulnerability, susceptibility, and resistance to
peer pressure. On all of these measures, the highly religious students exhibited the most so-cially desirable responses. (Flinders and de Gaston 1995.) Likewise, a study
Spiritual Dimensions

Religion matters in many ways in a child's life. Numerous studies have shown that religiosityattendance at Church meetings and the priority one places on religion as
manifested by prayer and reading religious textsstrongly predicts sexual activity or abstinence (de Gaston and Jensen 1994). A study of moral values and behavior
among middle school students in Ogden, Utah, showed that religiosity made a remarkable difference as to substance abuse (particularly alcohol), work ethic and
achievement orientation, honesty and integrity, stealing, telling lies, rebelliousness, internal or external motivation to do well, vulnerability, susceptibility, and resistance to
peer pressure. On all of these measures, the highly religious students exhibited the most so-cially desirable responses. (Flinders and de Gaston 1995.) Likewise, a study
of teenagers in Tennessee indicated that high religiosity affected a young person's willingness to obey rules, not fake excuses for absences, not drive without a license,
and to rely on their parents for advice. These individuals also felt more guilt when they broke the rules. (Ibid.)

Making Time for Family Activities

Making time for enjoyable family activities is often impossible when parents are overcommitted away from the home, regardless of the source of that time commitment.
Even very worthwhile projects that take us away from our children, such as work, recreation, or important community service or political activity, should be carefully
monitored by conscientious parents. President Benson counseled us to "take time to do things together as a family" such as "family outings and picnics and birthday
celebrations and trips," and "whenever possible, [to] attend, as a family, events where one of the family members is involved, such as a school play, a ball game, a talk,
a recital. Attend church meetings together and sit together as a family when you can." (Benson 1990, 34.)

One of the challenges single-parent families face, for example, is the lack of time for family recreation and family vacations. These parents carry on the work of two
parents really, and often such activities are not possible because of a lack of time and resources. Harried single parents may feel guilty spending scarce resources of
time and money on extravagances such as recreation, yet these activities are important to family unity.

As a single parent myself, I have tried diligently not to eliminate fun activities from our lives. Not only have we tried as a family to attend church and musical programs
together, but we have also taken yearly trips to visit relatives. Since my children love camping and I am afraid to do it alone, I have found volunteer male relatives to go
with us. Also, I find that my children's recreational interests are not necessarily expensive nor do they need to be out of town. We have made it a point, for example, to
swim together with season passes, and we have found ways to do other simple and inexpensive things such as going to the park. I have encouraged my children to
participate together in extracurricular activities that include dances, music, sports, and parties, and thus to make their activities family times. Birthdays involve brothers
and sisters preparing for and also attending the celebration for the birthday child.

Parents As Teachers

Prophets have counseled us to teach our children both gospel principles and lessons that will prepare them to be well-rounded adults. We have been counseled to
monitor what they learn in school. Earlier in this century President Joseph F. Smith warned the Saints to beware of "false educational ideas" (Smith 1939, p. 313). At
the time he gave that counsel, few were alarmed about secular trends and influencesmovies were relatively clean and wholesome, while schools were adequate as
places of learning and socializing. But times have changed. Now, caring parents are alarmed at the problems their children face in the schools.

President Benson assured mothers, "You are your children's best teacher. Don't shift this precious responsibility to day-care centers or baby-sitters. A mother's love
and prayerful concern for her children are her most important ingredients in teaching her own." (Benson 1990, p. 34.)

What are we to teach them? President Benson listed a number of topics: "a love for the gospel, that it pays to be good, that there is no safety in sin, modesty, to respect
manhood and womanhood, sexual purity, proper dating standards, temple marriage, missionary service, accepting and magnifying Church callings, a love for work, the
value of a good education, the importance of the right kind of entertainment, appropriate books and magazines, the evils of pornography and drugs, and the value of
living a clean life (ibid., p. 35).

President Benson promised mothers who taught these principles, "Your children will remember your teachings forever, and when they are old, they will not depart from
them. They will call you blessedtheir truly angel mother." Then he concluded, "Mothers, this kind of heavenly, motherly teaching takes timelots of time. It cannot be
done effectively part-time. It must be done all the time in order to save and exalt your children. This is your divine calling." (Ibid.)

The question then is not whether parents should teach their children, but what portion of their learning should be delegated to othersincluding church and schools. Many
parents have resorted to home schooling to ensure that their children are taught values and morals that went unquestioned in the public sector only a few years ago.

Bend the Twig While It Is Young

President Gordon B. Hinckley related an experience with a twig that got out of control as it grew into a tree because nothing was done to control it when it was young.
By the time he took action, the tree required major surgery to extract its limbs which were scraping the side of their home. (Hinckley 1993, 77-78.) Church leaders
warn us that the time to influence our children is while they are young; parents must guide their children if they want to shape their behavior for their adult years. Bending
the twigor childrequires vigilance, time, determination, and tenacity. Too often we think that letting a child have his own way is teaching autonomy or independence, but
rules and loving discipline within an environment of love, trust, and acceptance will be in the best interest of the child and parents in the long run.

Monitor Your Children's Activities

President Ezra Taft Benson gave ten specific suggestions to mothers, stressing the importance of being home and caring for their children. First, he counseled mothers
to be at the crossroads when children are coming and going and to avoid the problems of so many "millions of latchkey children who come home daily to empty houses,
unsupervised by working parents." (Benson 1990, p. 32.)

A natural consequence of working mothers has been a decrease in the monitoring of children's behavior. Maternal employment in some families is associated with less
supervision and monitoring of school-aged children (Crouter and MacDermid 1991), and that "lack of monitoring is associated with especially adverse consequences
for boyslower school performance, more behavior problems, and an increase in mother-child conflict" (Crouter and MacDermid 1991). Sampson and Laub (1994)
reanalyzed data from 1990 and reported that "employment by mothers outside the home appears to have a significant negative effect on mother's supervision," and
"poor maternal supervision can, in turn, lead to juvenile delinquency." This lack of supervision can also lead to violence in the schools (Mushinski 1994).

Current research stresses the importance of teaching and monitoring children. Small and Luster (1994) reported that "sexually experienced teenagersmales and
femaleswere more likely than sexually inexperienced . . . peers to come from homes where parents do not monitor closely." Similarly, Metzler et al. (1994) reported
that teens engaging in risky sexual behavior more likely experienced "low parental supervision" and "low parental monitoring."

A study of the impact of "self-care" on the after-school behaviors of four thousand adolescent ninth-grade students showed that those involved in self-care were more
likely to be involved in substance abuse (alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes), take risks, be depressed, and have lower grades. Those most likely to be involved in problem
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parents at home. (Richardson 1993).
that teens engaging in risky sexual behavior more likely experienced "low parental supervision" and "low parental monitoring."

A study of the impact of "self-care" on the after-school behaviors of four thousand adolescent ninth-grade students showed that those involved in self-care were more
likely to be involved in substance abuse (alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes), take risks, be depressed, and have lower grades. Those most likely to be involved in problem
behavior were those who spent afternoon hours at the homes of others or at a job, and those least likely to act contrary to social values were those supervised by
parents at home. (Richardson 1993).

For both boys and girls, lack of supervision is associated with earlier dating behavior, precocious sexuality, and greater peer involvement (Dornbusch et al. 1983).
Research on nearly ten thousand adolescents in many different states has shown that full-time employment of mothers is related to higher levels of sexual activity among
the youth (de Gaston and Jensen 1994).

Research reveals that most first-time experiences with adolescent sexuality take place in someone's homeeither their own, their partner's, or a friend's (de Gaston,
Jensen, and Weed 1995). This research further implicates time spent in an unsupervised home as a factor in teen pregnancy.

To monitor children means to know where they are at the moment, what they are doing, and who they are with, and to enforce reasonable curfews. There are far too
many gangs or groups prowling the communities late at nightan obvious indication that parents are not keeping track of their children. Local police and political figures in
the county where I live have expressed the view that strict enforcement of curfew laws is one of the keys to lowering undesirable delinquent behavior among youth.
Where curfew laws are restrictive and enforcedmeaning that parents are with their childrenthere are fewer out-of-control youth. The efficient enforcement of curfews is
not a police responsibility but should be the responsibility of concerned parents.

Care in Choosing Parenting Helps

Books and courses on effective parenting have increased commensurate with the problems arising from deviant children. Unfortunately, as more and more parents run
to secular authorities to obtain guidance on "how to parent," societal problems concerning children have escalated rather than decreased. When medicine prescribed for
a physical illness does not cure the disease, we usually stop using the medication. However, we often find that when secular medicine prescribed for rearing children
does not work, parents often try even larger doses of the same (sex education in the schools comes to mind).

What we genuinely need is a return to the Lord's way of rearing children, with fatherhood, motherhood, and child rearing as our most important priorities! If we are to
succeed with the coming generation, and if we desire to "train up a child in the way he should go" (Prov. 22:6), we will have to follow the counsel of the Lord's
prophets in guiding our children. The control of one's own children is a God-given responsibility that should not and cannot be successfully delegated to others.
Schools, peers, and even children who appear to be sophisti-cated in this age of technology are not up to it either. Secular authorities stress that parents should avoid
overcontrolling children; yet one of the most pressing needs today is for parents to monitor even more carefully the influences of the culture and how these influences
can negate what they are trying to teach their children.

Many recognize the extent to which we have lost control of this "do your own thing" generation, and newspaper articles ominously predict greater lawlessness and
violence in future adolescents. While teachers blame parents and parents blame teachers, few advocate a return to the past, when mothers were wrapped up in the task
of motherly duties, fathers were the breadwinners, and both parents were committed to rearing competent and reliable children. Perhaps our greatest need is for a
return to the days when children were taught obedience and respect at home, when saying "shut-up" was not allowed, when gum-chewing was the most pressing
problem for schoolteachers to deal with. A greater emphasis on monitoring and training up children in "the way they should go" instead of allowing them to do as they
please would no doubt benefit all of societyespecially the children.

Rely on Prophetic Counsel for Child Rearing

Parents, may I suggest that there is value in listening to prophets in rearing your children. The answers are steady and sensible and based on an eternal perspective that
places family life as our highest priority. Of course, there are good ideas coming from sincere investigators in the world. But when it comes to family life, the Lord is the
expert (see Moses 1:39). He knows each of his children better than we do. We must counsel with him as to how to rear his children. We can take counsel from
respectable scholars, but primarily the prophets are the ones charged with getting us through these dark and dangerous days (see D&C 112:30-33). It is through
spiritually changing our hearts that we are opened to the inspiration of the Spirit and inspired to want to be better companions and parents. Prophets give us spiritual
guidelines and teach us how to prepare for specific situations.

The Dangers of Modern Permissiveness

It is even possible that the current emphasis on parent education in secular circles, with all its various theories, has eroded the confidence of parents to be parents, to set
rules, and to hold children to gospel standards. Some new ideas of child rearing that include children setting standards and making decisions seem to have been
misunderstood by some parents, who are now more fearful to be direct with their offspring. Likewise, stories of rebellious children with parents who were too strict
may cause many parents to be indulgent and permissive to avoid such outcomes.

Too, a societal focus on child abusenotwithstanding such abuse being a tragic and pathetic trendmay cause parents to be fearful of doing anything physical with their
children that could be misconstrued. Such parents may shrink entirely from physical control or punishment and, even more seriously, may shy away from demonstrating
affection.

An Alternative Home-Based Employment

If a second income is a necessity, home-based employment may be a possible answer. I taught as a substitute teacher in school because of economic necessity when I
had three children under six at home. It soon became obvious to me that my baby-sitter was making more money than I was, and I hated being away from my children
the entire day. It was at that point I realized I needed to find a home-based enterprise myself.

Finding a home-based employment that pays enough to support a family is particularly challenging. Over the past twenty-eight years I have taught college courses part-
time and have done most of the preparation and grading at home. I have done a variety of other things including statistical research, technical and newspaper writing,
physician recruiting, and curriculum development, and I have also worked as a legal secretaryall from my home.

Though historically women have supplemented incomes by selling produce from vegetable gardens and by sewing, ironing, and baby-sitting, now many full-time
professionals are able to stay at home with their children, particularly if they work with computers. In my neighborhood, for example, we have had people who have set
up a legal/accounting practice, an insurance agency, a computer consulting firm, a piano studio, a physician recruiting service, and a lawn care company. I also know of
a single sister with ten children who started a bakery in her home kitchen. I have neighbors who do crafts and sell snow cones together with their children, and another
neighbor owns a recreational business in which the older children all work with their father while their mother does the accounting. Two other families in our
neighborhood keep bees and in doing so have supported many of their children on missions.
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I have fond childhood memories of my mother working at home. We sewed beads on dresses for Indian dolls, and I really loved the activity and working beside my
mom. I'm not sure the employment was very financially rewarding, but it is one of my lasting childhood memories as my mother chose to be home with us.
up a legal/accounting practice, an insurance agency, a computer consulting firm, a piano studio, a physician recruiting service, and a lawn care company. I also know of
a single sister with ten children who started a bakery in her home kitchen. I have neighbors who do crafts and sell snow cones together with their children, and another
neighbor owns a recreational business in which the older children all work with their father while their mother does the accounting. Two other families in our
neighborhood keep bees and in doing so have supported many of their children on missions.

I have fond childhood memories of my mother working at home. We sewed beads on dresses for Indian dolls, and I really loved the activity and working beside my
mom. I'm not sure the employment was very financially rewarding, but it is one of my lasting childhood memories as my mother chose to be home with us.

Home-based employment facilitates parents being "at the crossroads" when their children leave and return home. A recent study of urban poor in Mexico focused on
home-based work as a survival strategy. For many women, working at home increased their wealth and well-being significantly and provided a way of breaking out of
poverty.

In a study at Brown University, sociologist Hilary Silver investigated the effects of home work (paid work in the home) versus outside work, and found that among
working-class women there was less conflict between employment and family life for those involved in working at home. She also found that those doing home work
held more traditional gender-role and parenting attitudes, and concluded that "home work is a family affair" (Silver 1993).

Raise Your Children in An Intact Family

Why is a single parent recommending to other parents that children should be raised in an intact family where possible? Because it is true! Prophets have counseled us
to love our spouses and stay married. Research comparing children of divorced parents with children whose parents have remained married consistently shows that
children living with both parents are the winners.

Children of divorced parents suffer from "lower levels of self-efficiency, self-esteem and social support, and [from] less effectual coping styles" (Kurtz 1994). Other
researchers report elevated levels of alcohol use (Duncan et al. 1994), illegal drug use (Denton and Kampfe 1994, Gfellner 1994), premarital conception (Russell
1994), and incarceration for delinquency (Matlock 1994).

A study of 935 children in New Zealand found that those who watched their parents separate were particularly likely to behave disruptively, to fornicate, to use illegal
drugs, and to suffer from emotional disturbances (Ferguson et al. 1994). A long-term study of over one thousand children in the United States determined that children
who have seen their parents divorce are more likely to drop out of school, engage in premarital sex, and form nonmarital cohabitational unions (Furstenberg and Teitler
1994).

Statistics indicate that children of divorce, whether in stepfamilies or single-parent families or living with Mother or Father, are far more likely to be sexually active as
adolescents (de Gaston and Jensen 1994) and likewise are much more likely to cheat, lie, and so on (Flinders and de Gaston 1994).

One researcher, Judith Wallerstein, has made numerous in-depth reports on children from divorced parents. In a study of sixty well-educated families she and other
researchers reported unexpectedly large numbers of children on a spiraling downward course one year after the divorce, and five years later they found that only one-
third of the children were doing well. Also, the research showed that ten years after the divorce, nearly half (forty-one percent) of the children were still doing poorly.
One of the major findings of a longitudinal study of girls was the "sleeper effect" that influenced them at a later time, when they themselves were faced with issues of
commitment and love. Wallerstein also reported that an almost universal result of divorce is a diminished capacity to parent childrenand that was true for both men and
women alike. She concluded that such parents give less time, discipline, and sensitivity to their children's needsmostly because their own needs go unmet. (Wallerstein
1985.)

Most tragic are the situations of children of redivorcethose who have experienced multiple marital transitions because of their parents. Peterson and Zill (1986) studied
children of redivorce and found that few had good relationships with either parent. While only two decades ago many people sought "creative divorces" to end their
problems, currently the data strongly indicates that whatever problems the divorce may have solved for parents, the children have generally not fared well.

No-fault divorce laws have contributed to the dramatic increase in divorce. When first suggested and debated by legal scholars, judges, and other policymakers, there
was almost no opposition; proponents saw it as a way to end the acrimony of the bitter divorce involving false accusations, heightened emotional states, collusion, and
so on. Unfortunately, the acrimony has not decreased, while the number of divorces has increased dramatically. The result is that not only do more than half of today's
children experience parental divorce at least once, but many children experience multiple marital transitions. Bitterness is now associated with issues of support and
custody, and it is the children who are hurt the most. Women and children have been hurt financially by no-fault divorce because many mothers relinquish financial
support to avoid the risk of losing their children.

Research has shown that female employment outside the home can undermine marriage, while female employment at home does not. Researchers Carver and
Teachman (1993) reported Puerto Rican data which confirmed studies in the United States showing that "female labor force participation . . . has a positive effect on
the propensity to divorce." However, they also found that women working in a family business or in the home were no more likely to divorce than those who did not
work.

Admittedly there are some divorces which cannot be avoidedsome parents are abusive to their children or partners, and some spouses simply abandon their families for
what they think are greener pastures. But research indicates the wisdom of the prophets to be correct: where possible, parents should stay togethereven if only for the
sake of the children. No wonder Elder Boyd K. Packer counseled, "Even a rickety marriage will serve good purpose as long as two people struggle to keep it from
falling down around them" (Packer 1982, 291).

Does this mean that there is no hope for divorced parents or their children? No, but those who are married should try their utmost to resolve their conflicts. And those
who are already divorced need to make the best of their situation by providing the love and nurturance their children need. It requires considerable self-sacrifice. The
reality is that too many children of divorce lose the attention of both parentsFather is no longer around, and Mother is working by day and socializing by night.

However, many single mothers have been able to raise their children wellthe price being the need to focus on building strong relationships with their children that will
help the children to adopt the values of the parent in the home.

As we learned from our experience with the Word of Wisdom, the counsel of prophets will usually run contrary to conventional wisdom and practice. Research often
lags as much as ten to twenty years behind. But eventually, as with the 1833 revelation, the counsel of the prophets will be proven to be the most important source of
help in running our homes and marriages and in rearing a generation that will love parents, each other, and the gospel, and that will keep their own marriages together
and thus bless their own children. That is the charge the Lord has given us in this dispensation.

References

Belsky, Jay,(c)
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Benson, Ezra Taft. 1987. In October Conference Report, 59-63.
and thus bless their own children. That is the charge the Lord has given us in this dispensation.

References

Belsky, Jay, and M. Rovine. 1988. Nonmaternal care in the first year of life and infant-parent attachment security. Child Development 57:1224-31.

Benson, Ezra Taft. 1987. In October Conference Report, 59-63.

Benson, Ezra Taft. 1990. Come, Listen to a Prophet's Voice. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.

Carver, Karen Price, and Jay D. Teachman. 1993. Female employment and first union dissolution in Puerto Rico. Journal of Marriage and the Family 55:686-98.

Clark, James R., comp. 1965-1975. Messages of the First Presidency. Vol. 4. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.

Crouter, A. C., and S. M. MacDermid. 1991. A longitudinal study of parental monitoring in dual and single-earner families. Paper presented at the meeting of the
Society for Research in Child Development, Seattle.

de Gaston, J. F. , and L. C. Jensen. 1994. Sensible Sex Education: A Handbook for Educators and Parents. Unpublished manuscript.

de Gaston, J. F., L. C. Jensen, and S. E. Weed. 1995. A closer look at adolescent sexuality. Journal of Youth and Adolescence 24, no. 4.

Denton, Rhonda E., and Charlene M. Kampfe. 1994. The relationship between family variables and adolescent substance abuse: a literature review. Adolescence
114:475-95.

Dornbusch, S. M., et al. 1983. Single parents, extended households, and the control of adolescents. Paper presented at the Pacific Sociological Meetings, San Jose,
Calif.

Duncan, Terry E., Susan C. Duncan, and Hyman Hops. 1994. The effects of family cohesiveness and peer encouragement on the development of adolescent alcohol
use: a cohort-sequential approach in the analysis of longitudinal data. Journal of Studies on Alcohol 55:588-99.

Ferguson, David M., John Horwood, and Michael T. Lynsky. 1994. Parental separation, adolescent psychopathology, and problem behaviors. Journal of the
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 33:1122-31.

Flinders, N., and J. F. de Gaston. 1994. Creating a Moral School: A Compass for People of the School. Unpublished manuscript.

Furstenberg, Frank F., Jr., and Julien O. Teitler. 1994. Reconsidering the effects of marital disruption: what happens to children of divorce in early adulthood. Journal
of Family Issues 15:173-98.

Gfellner, Barbara M. 1994. A matched group comparison of drug use and problem behavior among Canadian Indian and white adolescents. Journal of Early
Adolescence 14:24-48.

Goodman, Richard A., et al., eds. 1994. Proceedings of the international conference on child day care health: science, prevention, and practice. Supplement to
Pediatrics 84:986-1020.

Gottfried, A. E., A. W. Gottfried, and K. Bathhurst. 1988. Maternal employment, family environment and children's development: infancy through the school years. In
Maternal Employment and Children's Development, ed. A. E. Gottfried and A. W. Gottfried, 11-53. New York: Plenum.

Gross, David M., and Sophronia Scott. 1990. Proceeding with caution. Time (July 16):56-62.

Hinckley, Gordon B. 1993. In October Conference Report, 75-80.

Hoelcelman, R. A. 1994. Parasites in pediatric practice. Pediatric Annals 23:389-90. (Cited in New Research Supplement to Family in America. Rockford, Ill.: The
Rockford Institute.)

Hunter, Howard W. 1994. In October Conference Report, 66-70.

Karen, Robert. 1994. Becoming Attached. New York: Warner Books.

Kurtz, Linda. 1994. Psychosocial coping resources in elementary school-age children of divorce. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 64:554-62.

Leach, Penelope. 1994. Children First: What Our Society Must Doand Is Not Doingfor Children Today. New York: Alfred A. Knopf. (Cited in New Research
Supplement to Family in America. Rockford, Ill.: The Rockford Institute.)

Matlock, M. Eileen, et al. 1994. Family correlates of social skill deficits in incarcerated and nonincarcerated adolescents. Adolescence 29:119-30.

Metzler, Carol W., et al. 1994. The social context for risky sexual behavior among adolescents. Journal of Behavioral Medicine 17:419-37.

Mitchell, Douglas K., et al. 1993. Outbreaks of astrovirus gastroenteritis in day-care centers. The Journal of Pediatrics 123:725-31.

Mushinski, Margaret. 1994. Violence in America's public schools. Statistical Bulletin (April-June):2-8. (Cited in New Research Supplement to Family in America.
Rockford, Ill.: The Rockford Institute.)

Oppenheimer, Valerie Kincaid. 1994. Women's rising employment and the future of the family in industrial societies. Population and Development Review 20:293-336.

Packer, Boyd K. 1982. "That All May Be Edified." Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.

Packer, Boyd K. 1991. Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.
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Peterson, James L., and Nicholas Zill. 1986. Marital disruption, parent-child relationships, and behavior problems in children. Journal of Marriage and the Family 48
(May): 295-307.
Packer, Boyd K. 1982. "That All May Be Edified." Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.

Packer, Boyd K. 1991. Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.

Peterson, James L., and Nicholas Zill. 1986. Marital disruption, parent-child relationships, and behavior problems in children. Journal of Marriage and the Family 48
(May): 295-307.

Richardson, Jean L., et al. 1993. Relationship between after-school care of adolescents and substance use, risk-taking, depressed mood and academic treatment.
Pediatrics 92:32-37.

Russell, Stephen T. 1994. Life course antecedents of premarital conception in Great Britain. Journal of Marriage and the Family 56:480-92.

Sampson, Robert J., and John H. Laub. 1994. Urban poverty and the family context of delinquency: a new look at structure and process in a classic study. Child
Development 65:523-40.

Scott, Richard G. 1993. In April Conference Report, 40-43.

Silver, Hilary. 1993. Homework and domestic work. Sociological Forum 8:181-202.

Small, Stephen A., and Tom Luster. 1994. Adolescent sexual activity, an econological risk-factor approach. Journal of Marriage and the Family 56:181-92.

Smith, Joseph F. 1939. Gospel Doctrine. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.

Wallerstein, Judith S. 1985. The overburdened child: some long-term consequences of divorce. Social Work 30:116-23.

_____

Jacqueline F. de Gaston was born and raised in Southern California. She received a B.S. degree in education from Brigham Young University in 1961 and served a
mission to Uruguay. She received an M.S. degree in child development from BYU in 1967 and taught elementary school and college courses in Utah, California,
Virginia, and Texas. She is the mother of ten children. In 1994 she received a Ph.D. in family science from BYU. She currently teaches child development and related
family courses at Salt Lake Community College and has been working on curriculum development at BYU. She has coauthored six professional publications in the field
of sex education and has assisted with a book on moral education.

15 Parents Builders of Men and Women

Jack R. Christianson

Parenthood is one of our most effective schools in this life. As a young person I really had no idea what it took for my parents to raise us five kidstwo boys and three
girls. I knew that I learned from my parents, but it never occurred to me that they might be learning from us kids too. Mom and Dad made us feel that each of us was
their favorite child. But I was not aware of the sacrifice, tears, prayers, work, inconvenience, time, or energy it took for a construction worker and a devoted full-time
homemaker to be such wonderful parents. Neither did it dawn on me that there was both joy and pain in parenthooduntil I became a father.

Now, as one who daily lives with teenagers, my love for my mother and father has never been deeper. I think most people find, as I did, that it takes parenthood for us
to appreciate what our folks went through. Now I understand why Elder Boyd K. Packer could say, "I cannot express the depth of my devotion to my wife and
children. . . . I have learned more by far from them than they from me. That learning comes in ordinary experiences, the joy and the pain of everyday life." I know what
he meant when he said, "The ultimate purpose of every teaching, every activity in the Church is that parents and their children are happy at home, sealed in an eternal
marriage, and linked to their generations." (In Conference Report, April 1994, pp. 24, 26.)

On the other hand, Elder Packer reminded us that "the ultimate purpose of the adversary . . . is to disrupt, disturb, and destroy the home and the family. Like a ship
without a rudder, without a compass, we drift from the family values which have anchored us in the past. Now we are caught in a current so strong that unless we
correct our course, civilization as we know it will surely be wrecked to pieces." (Ibid., p. 24.)

If the tide of evil is to be turned back and our civilization kept from being totally wrecked on the shoals of permissiveness and violence, effective parenting is the
answer. We must be parents who build young minds, bodies, and spirits, rather than parents who tear down and destroy. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "There are
no perfect families, either in the world or in the Church, but there are many good families" (in Conference Report, April 1994, p. 119). There are many things we can
do to develop a strong home life. Our parental challenge is to build strong family membersindividuals who can attract mates and build eternal family units of their own.
Family relations continue as long as we draw breath. We must keep building and lifting, never giving up or yielding to the adversary; for we know, as Elder Maxwell has
told us, that "as parenting declines, the need for policing in- creases. There will always be a shortage of police if there is a shortage of effective parents! Likewise, there
will not be enough prisons if there are not enough good homes." (Ibid.)

As children we learned to build, didn't we? Things like sand castles, a wooden hut or tree house, an underground bunker, a secret hideout of blankets thrown over
tables or chairs. I know that I built all of these, plus a special fort on top of a neighbor's horse stall. It was great fun to create and build and pretend we were kings or
princes or rulers.

Then, after we worked so hard to construct forts and castles, we suffered pain and personal loss when they were destroyed or taken down by our "enemies" who
would attack and destroy our creations. But we always rebuilt. I think the joy came in the rebuilding process. I worry sometimes that this childlike joy in building and
creating stops when we become parents, even though we have something greater to create: faithful and strong sons and daughters of God. But I think we were born to
build, for is not that the work of God and his Son? (See Moses 1:39.) Thus, it becomes our work as parents. We are in the business of building men and women of
character who can lead this kingdom to its eventual victory in this final dispensation.

The Savior was a builder of men and women, and he invites and encourages us to rise to our tallest spiritual stature. We rely so much on him to build and remake our
souls so we can be individuals of worth, acceptable to our HeavenlyFather. His life is our best example of one who built and lifted others.

President Howard W. Hunter explained God's method of building. He remarked:

God's chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet
enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess. He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he
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will not do so in violation of our agency. . . .

To countermand and ultimately forbid our choices was Satan's way, not God's, and the Father of us all simply never will do that. He will, however, stand by us forever
President Howard W. Hunter explained God's method of building. He remarked:

God's chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet
enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess. He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he
will not do so in violation of our agency. . . .

To countermand and ultimately forbid our choices was Satan's way, not God's, and the Father of us all simply never will do that. He will, however, stand by us forever
to help us see the right path, find the right choice, respond to the true voice, and feel the influence of his undeniable Spirit. His gentle, peaceful, powerful persuasion to
do right and find joy will be with us "so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved" (Moro. 7:36).
(Ensign, August 1994, back cover.)

Building and lifting others' self-esteem must be considered an art, a sometimes difficult one requiring great effort and sacrifice on the part of the builder. In creating
spiritual men and women, we may in the process suffer hurt and rejection, as did the Master Builder. At times we must stand alone against cultural messages that
destroy rather than build. But a builder gives life, hope, and purpose to creation, and so must we if we are to maximize self-esteem and personal happiness in our
children.

Self-Esteem

Have you noticed that self-esteem is a hot topic these days? There are a multitude of books on the subject. Seminars abound telling us how to like ourselves and feel
good about who we are. You would think that low self-esteem exists in epidemic proportions by the attention it gets. And it is not just a topic addressed to youth, but
to adults as well. Apparently many of our Father's children are unaware of their divine nature and their infinite worth to him. In spite of all the seminars and books on
this topic, however, I feel we have missed a very important component of true self-esteemthat which comes from building others up. For it is through the process of
lifting others that our own self-worth increases.

Before discussing how to strengthen our children's view of themselves, I think it is vital to differentiate between self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-esteem comes
from an internal monitor, a feeling that is based on an understanding of our divine nature as sons and daughters of God. The knowledge of who we are and our potential
as his children, with the opportunity to become as God is, brings an inner peace and spiritual perspective that can be gained in no other way.

Self-confidence, on the other hand, is generated from external sources. It generally originates from feedback we receive from others and is usually tied to how well we
perform tasks. It is easy to confuse the two, but I believe it is essential to separate them. It is possible, for example, for an individual to have a high level of self-
confidence in performing athletic or musical talent and yet to feel little worth as a human being.

I learned this lesson playing college football, where many players had self-confidence but not self-esteem. I noticed that these players were self-deprecating and did not
seem to like themselves because of an inability to overcome a particular weakness, such as drinking. But on game day, when they walked onto the playing field, when
they had to use their athletic prowess, confidence oozed from every pore. They knew their football, and they had confidence in their ability to perform.

In my case I learned the difference between these two terms in a different way. I knew from my upbringing that I was a son of God, that he loves me and knows that I
existhence, my self-esteem was adequate. On the other hand, I have absolutely no self-confidence when it comes to using a sewing machine. Let me explain. I took
homemaking as a senior in high school. We were learning how to put a drawstring into a pair of swimming trunks, when I had a very unfortunate accident. I was
working the machine with a foot pedal while guiding the top part of the trunks under the fast-moving needle. I have no idea how it happened, but before I could take
my foot off the pedal, my right forefinger made its way underneath the little metal foot, and the needle went through the flesh of my skin next to the bone three or four
times.

I tried not to make a scene, because I knew my buddies would harass me if they knew what I had done. So, very calmly, I raised my left hand and asked Miss Greene
to come to my table. I informed her that I had a slight problem. I still remember the look on her face and what she said. "Oh my," she laughed, "we do have a problem!"

With those words she quickly twisted the wheel on the side of the machine, pulling the needle out of my finger. She then snipped the thread below the needle and very
carefully removed it from my finger.

Unfortunately, the mishap did not remain a secret, and the hassle was unrelenting and unmerciful. I honestly don't care to ever touch a sewing machine again! But I'm
comfortable with me as a person. Though my confidence in sewing is nonexistent, my self-worth remains intact because I know who I am and I know that "with God
nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37). I must admit that there are times when I feel as Nephi did: "If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he
should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done." (1 Ne. 17:50.)

I have faith in my Heavenly Father, in his Son, and in the plan of life. I possess self-esteem because I understand my divine nature and potential. I identify with the writer
of Proverbs, who wrote, "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Prov. 23:7).

It was President Ezra Taft Benson who explained the world's view of self-esteem:

The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of
worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, "If
you succeed, I am a failure." If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men's, we will have self-esteem. (In Conference Report, April 1989, p. 5.)

Helping Our Children Develop Self-Esteem

Helping our children feel good about themselves because of their divine nature takes time and attention on our part, for cultural influences often counter our efforts.
Obedience is based on understanding our relationship with our Heavenly Father. That, of course, is the motivation of gospel doctrine, principles, and covenants. As we
learn of the divine plan of salvation and the place of marriage and family in that eternal scheme, we sense the responsibility to lift and build our children. This is not to
say that there are not fine examples of building others by wonderful models in our culture, but there is also much to challenge our way of life.

Mother Teresa is a builder, a lifter. She demonstrates the art of building others at a basic level through simply caring for their needs, something parents know about. A
newspaper article reported, "Mother Teresa, 81, a cotton veil rimming her wrinkled face, told . . . about sheltering a dying derelict crawling with worms. ï¿½It took
three hours to pick from his body all the worms,' she related in mellow tones. She said the emaciated man murmured gratefully that he had lived like ï¿½an animal' but
now could die ï¿½like an angel.' He went ï¿½home to God' with a ï¿½joyful heart' because he had received ï¿½tender love and care,' she said. ï¿½God was with him. .
. . We must thank God for the beautiful way in which we sense God in the poorest of the poor.' " (Daily Herald, Provo, Utah, 16 August 1992, p. C-1.) One way we
strengthen others, then, is by serving them.

As  parents, (c)
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                 too can strengthen the Media
                              Infobase  self-esteem
                                                Corp.of our children by loving them and caring for their basic necessities. We can also bless them by teaching
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principles. Let me share some of my favorite principles of parenting:

1. Teach children about their divine nature as sons and daughters of God. Have you noticed that we send missionaries all over the world to teach people the true nature
now could die ï¿½like an angel.' He went ï¿½home to God' with a ï¿½joyful heart' because he had received ï¿½tender love and care,' she said. ï¿½God was with him. .
. . We must thank God for the beautiful way in which we sense God in the poorest of the poor.' " (Daily Herald, Provo, Utah, 16 August 1992, p. C-1.) One way we
strengthen others, then, is by serving them.

As parents, we too can strengthen the self-esteem of our children by loving them and caring for their basic necessities. We can also bless them by teaching them correct
principles. Let me share some of my favorite principles of parenting:

1. Teach children about their divine nature as sons and daughters of God. Have you noticed that we send missionaries all over the world to teach people the true nature
of our Heavenly Father and to convince these sons and daughters that they are literally his spirit children, and hence that we are all brothers and sisters? When people
believe that God is a spirit essence, as so many dothat he is not really a "he," but a "thing" or an "it" or even a "she" these daysor when they view God as some three-in-
one being, then true faith cannot exist, for Joseph Smith taught that a knowledge of the true and living God is the beginning of faith unto life and salvation (see Lectures
on Faith 3:1). How can people like you and me who have physical bodies relate to a God without body, parts, or passions? How can individuals understand their
divine potential as sons and daughters if they do not understand their divine parentage? Therefore, as people come to understand their relationship to Godas they learn
that they are literal offspring of the Father of spiritsthey can never be the same again. Our children must understand their divine linkage in order to comprehend how
their actions influence their relationships with their fellowmen and thus please God.

2. Teach children to serve others. As we realize that we are sons and daughters of God, we desire to lift and bless our fellowmen because we are members of the same
eternal family. We are all related! Our society and culture, which seems bent on a secular course that ignores or avoids this profound truth, has developed a
sophisticated form of criticism and censure that has a deleterious effect on others. Unfortunately, put-downs, negative comments, and sarcastic toasts form the basis of
much that passes for humor. Comedians draw laughs and cartoonists make money being satirical about public figures. Such practices are all too common and
undermine and destroy relationshipssacred relationships between spouses and between parents and children. Criticism and put-downs have no place in a family seeking
to live together eternally.

Why do we make fun of others? Elder Neal A. Maxwell suggested that criticism is fatiguing when contrasted with blessing and lifting people's spirits. "When at length
we tire of putting people down, this self-inflicted fatigue can give way to the invigorating calisthenics of lifting people up" (Men and Women of Christ [Salt Lake
City:Bookcraft, 1991], p. 28). If we spent as much time lifting our children as we do criticizing them, how effectively we could help them to see themselves in a more
positive light! Looking for honest ways to lift one another would also be more beneficial to our own self-esteem, for we would see more good in ourselves. We would
cease to be so critical of our weaknesses and would find ways to allow our weaknesses to become strengths with God's help (see Ether 12:27).

A conscious effort to lift children up rather than put them down requires a genuine love on the part of parents, for parents must be able to separate their children's
behaviors from their worth as individuals. Admittedly, it is not easy for most of us to do. It requires an appreciation for who our children are (sons and daughters of
God), some on-the-job training, and a genuine love for the often innocent motives of our little ones. This is not to say we do not correct children or discipline them.
Even the Lord chastened his children on occasion because he loves them. To the early Saints of our day, the Lord explained: "Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you
whom I love, and whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance in all things out of
temptation, and I have loved youwherefore, ye must needs be chastened and stand rebuked before my face" (D&C 95:1-2).

The Lord is able to make this separation between people and their actions, and it must become our goal as well. He said: "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the
least degree of allowance; nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven; and he that repents not, from him shall be taken
even the light which he has received; for my Spirit shall not always strive with man, saith the Lord of Hosts" (D&C 1:31-33). The Lord's stern counsel and chastisement
have nothing to do with his not liking or loving us. His atonement is proof of that. He is able to separate us, as children of infinite worth, from our behavior that offends
his Spirit.

As a seminary principal I occasionally had to confront students who misbehaved and disrupted the learning of others. I tried to help them understand that I loved them
as individuals, but that some of their behaviors were unacceptable in a seminary setting. Sometimes because of their youth they would think, He just doesn't like me,
though nothing was further from the truth. In reality, I loved them and wanted them to be happy and successful in their lives. That's why it was essential that they learn
which behaviors are not acceptable and would not be tolerated, and that in the future, someone who perhaps didn't love them as much as I did might physically or
emotionally harm them.

Suppose a child hits a baseball through the front room window. The last thing he needs is to hear is, "You idiot! You just hit a ball through our front window!" Rather,
he needs a loving arm around him, and guidance for a plan to repair the window. A teenager who makes a foolish calculation and crunches the front end of her father's
car does not need a lecture on driving carefully but an understanding dad who knows something about mistakes himself. A dutiful housewife who, while cleaning up her
husband's mess on the bedroom dresser, unknowingly throws away an important business paper does not need a tirade by her husband. She needs help in trying to
recover the paper. There is a difference between an honest mistakesomething we mortals are prone toand the person who makes it. Of course, youth need correction.
The Lord explained that sometimes we must help, but it must be done wisely:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love
unfeigned;

By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved,
lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. (D&C 121:41-44.)

After we have "reproved betimes with sharpness," do we show the offender "an increase of love" so that he knows we still love him? Do those we reprove know
without question that our "faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death"? They can know of our faithfulness if, after receiving a commitment from them to not let it
happen again and ensuring that they make plans to take care of any restitution, we follow the Lord's advice to show forth love after reviewing errors in judgment.

Another part of this principle is the need to stop calling children names and labeling them with damaging verbal barbs. In my opinion, one of the worst forms of child
abuseyet one we don't always notice in our own behavioris to verbally tear down others. Why? Because "as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Prov. 23:7). We become
what we think about most of the time. Actions grow out of our thoughts. How can children "let virtue garnish [their] thoughts unceasingly" or "let [their] bowels . . . be
full of charity towards all men" if they are constantly being called names that degrade or that damage their abil-ity to see themselves as sons or daughters of God? How
can their "confidence wax strong in the presence of God" if they must hide in order to escape the pain of verbal abuse? (See D&C 121:45-46.)

To build self-esteem in our children, we should keep in mind the following truths written about children but which can apply to people of all ages:

Children
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If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
can their "confidence wax strong in the presence of God" if they must hide in order to escape the pain of verbal abuse? (See D&C 121:45-46.)

To build self-esteem in our children, we should keep in mind the following truths written about children but which can apply to people of all ages:

Children learn what they live and children live what they learn.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.

But if children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith.

If children live with fear, they grow up standing at the end of every line.

But if children live with praise, they learn to stand alone and lead their parade even if it's raining.

If children are spoiled with indulgence and permissiveness, they grow up full of compromise and greed.

If children are given challenges and responsibilities, they grow up with values and goals.

If children live with depression, they'll need a drink, a puff, a sniff, a shot, a pill to get them high.

But if children live with optimism, they'll grow up thinking they were born to fly.

If children live with hate, they'll grow up blind to beauty and true love.

But if children live with love, they'll live to give their love away, and become blind to hate.

If children are reminded of all the bad in them we see, they'll become exactly what we hoped they'd never be.

But if we tell our children we're so proud to wear their name, they'll learn to win, believing they'll achieve their highest aim

Because children live what they learn and children learn what they live.

(As heard in Denis Waitley, 2005: A Child's Odyssey [Rancho Santa Fe, Calif., 1982], audiocassette.)

I feel it is important to suggest in our discussion of names and labels that parents use their children's names in addressing them, and use them often. There is nothing as
beautiful as the sound of your own name. The Lord knows each of us individually and he often uses people's names in communicating with them. I think we ought to do
the same.

3. Help children keep the commandments of God. This step is very important in developing strong self-esteem. Loving God and keeping his commandments are the
best ways I know of to recognize our divine nature and potential and thereby increase our self-esteem. This happens because the Holy Ghost ratifies that which is right,
and we feel his influence in the form of a warm, radiant, spiritual glow. Hopefully we have learned this lesson by the time we are adults, for there is a direct relationship
between our ability to obey and our ability to love others and ourselves. President Benson said, "If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men's,
we will have self-esteem" (in Conference Report, April 1989, p. 5). I am convinced this is a most important key to becoming a builder and not a destroyer.

Elder Maxwell explained:

What seems so plainkeeping the commandments in one's daily lifeis "it!" There is not something else of a higher order which we are supposed to be doing instead.

This spiritual reality may seem unspectacular, even ordinary, especially if one assumes that some more important and more glamorous chore awaits beyond the horizon.
To keep the commandments and to honor our covenantswhether one is a cashier at a grocery checkout counter, a neurosurgeon, an automotive mechanic, or a
government officialis what matters, daily and eternally (see Luke 9:23). Each individual is to give away his sins, to deny himself, to lose himself, and then to find himself
and full and everlasting joy.

When other things push away or prevent the doing of these simple, seemingly ordinary things, we are in deep troubleespecially when we no longer realize what the real
things are! (A Wonderful Flood of Light [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1990], p. 103.)

On another occasion Elder Maxwell taught that "worshipping, serving, studying, praying, each in its own way squeezes selfishness out of us; it pushes aside our
preoccupations with the things of the world" (Men and Women of Christ [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1991], p. 98).

4. Teach children to be the best they can be. If our children are going to feel secure about themselves and have that deep inner spiri-tual strength we want them to have,
they must be taught to be their best, given their capabilities and limitations. Sometimes we must rely on the grace of God. Nephi wrote, "For we labor diligently to write,
to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can
do" (2 Ne. 25:23).

"After all we can do." Obviously some people can do more than others. If we are always comparing ourselves with others' achievements and abilities, we will end up
being disappointed for much of our lives; for there will always be someone who is a little better, a little faster, a little smarter, a little stronger, or a little bigger than we
are. This should not throw us, however, or cause us to lose confidence in our own strengths and talents. It simply means that we are individuals with our own unique set
of strong points. Perhaps that is why those who possess charity "envieth not," are "not puffed up," and "seeketh not [their] own" (Moro. 7:45).

The Lord told Samuel, who was searching for the one to lead Israel, "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the
Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 Sam. 16:7). It is what we are deep down inside that
the Lord cares
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Some years ago my wife and I took our children to a Special Olympics track meet where this principle was evident. We wanted our children to gain an appreciation
and love for those less fortunate than they. We knew that the Special Olympians were people with great spirits who had outward mental or physical handicaps, yet
of strong points. Perhaps that is why those who possess charity "envieth not," are "not puffed up," and "seeketh not [their] own" (Moro. 7:45).

The Lord told Samuel, who was searching for the one to lead Israel, "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the
Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 Sam. 16:7). It is what we are deep down inside that
the Lord cares about, not our outward appearance.

Some years ago my wife and I took our children to a Special Olympics track meet where this principle was evident. We wanted our children to gain an appreciation
and love for those less fortunate than they. We knew that the Special Olympians were people with great spirits who had outward mental or physical handicaps, yet
who, despite their limitations, were real people with real feelings and real needs. Though none of these athletes would ever be famous or go down as champions in the
world's record books, they were champions because they were doing their best.

We wanted to teach our children this vital lesson about life. We wanted them to know that the motto for Special Olympics was not just for Special Olympians, but it
applied to everyday life as well: "Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt." We may not always be the very best or always win, but we can
always be brave.

I was reminded of Joshua, who had the humbling task of following Moses as the leader of Israel. The Lord counseled him: "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong
and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whitherso-ever thou goest." (Josh. 1:9.) Like Joshua, we must be
strong and courageous many times in our lives.

The track meet proved to be the teacher we hoped it would be. Our children loved the events as they got used to the open shows of affection and the athletes'
mannerisms. They watched the "huggers" hug every participant after each event. They felt the love and warmth of athletes and volunteers. However, the most significant
lesson came with the women's one-hundred-meter dash.

One of the participants was a woman in her twenties with Down's syndrome. She was big-boned and heavysetnot what you would think of as a sprinter. We noticed
that she had split her pant seam and had a large safety pin to fasten the front of her pants; yet it appeared to be a futile attempt.

When the starting gun was fired, the runners took off. The woman with the safety pin was dead last. It was difficult for her to run, but she did the best she could. Then it
happened. The safety pin popped, her pants fell to her ankles, and she ran two more difficult steps before falling flat on her face.

I wanted to jump from the stands and help her. Before I could move, however, she stood up, pulled up her pants, held them together in front with one hand, and
hobbled to the end of the race. When she crossed the finish line she fell into the outstretched arms of a hugger. Everyone cheered for her as if she had won the race.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I witnessed her courage. I knew that if that had happened to me I would have found a place to hide rather than finish the race.

The story does not end there, however. When the medals were awarded, she stood on the platform still holding her pants together with one hand. When they presented
her with a medal, she bent over so they could place it around her neck. As she stood up, the excitement of having a medal was evidently too much for her to bear. She
raised both arms above her head in triumph to wave excitedly to the crowd, forgetting her pants predicament. Her pants fell to her ankles again. But she didn't seem to
mind that she stood before the large crowd in her underwear. The important thing was that she had done her best! She had been brave, and that was what really
counted.

I hope I never forget the feelings of that day. I knew I had watched a true championone who did the best she could even though she wasn't the winner.

5. Help children not to be fearful of failure, change, and success. An entire chapter could be devoted to each of these three elements, but I'll just touch on them briefly.
Sometimes people are so afraid of failure, of looking stupid in front of their peers, that they never attempt anything new or creative. Their dreams often go unfulfilled and
their lives are less than they could be because they are afraid to take a chance, to reach out and try new things. Realistically, failure is a common companion of all of us.
Who among us has never made a mistake? We do it with some regularity. And it's okay! I'm not saying we need a Ph.D. in failure; I am simply saying that failing at
something doesn't mean we are worthless. Because we perform badly at times does not equate with being a bad person. I don't know of anyone who has not failed at
something, and numerous times. Failure is a part of life, and we must not fear it. Rather, our failures, if we let them, can be stepping-stones to a stronger character.
Imagine how many times the ice skater has fallen before we appreciate her triple jumps, or the gymnast missed the bar before we see his flawless performance.

Our children need to realize that they will not always be victorious or come out on top in everything. There will always be those who are more talented. This is a reality
of life. Let me illustrate.

Every workday for seven years I lost a Ping-Pong match to the same man. Now, losing at Ping-Pong may not seem like a big deal to you. But if you knew my
competitive spirit, getting crushed every day and having to listen to my opponent talk about it for seven years was tough. Each day at lunch we would play one or two
games. Each day at lunch I lost. Every time I lost I would remind him that these failures were mere stepping-stones to my eventual success. He would then remind me
that I could build the wall of China with all my stepping-stones! But I never quit. In fact, I never believed that I would lose. I knew I wasn't a failure just because I was
defeated in this one thing, even if it was every day.

The day finally came when I became a fairly decent Ping-Pong player and could beat him on occasion. Though I failed routinely at first, I became better and better with
time and practice. Life is like that. We can become better individuals, better fathers and husbands, wives and mothers, even better children, if we persist in reaching our
goals. In my opinion, the concept of teaching our children not to fear failure is a critical element in building their self-esteem.

Change is an interesting creature. It is frightening at times, but it is essential to our personal growth and it plays an important part in the growth of God's kingdom. We
face it all the time. The Lord changes leaders in various ward and stake organizations. From time to time he even changes general Church organizations and programs in
an effort to accommodate growth in the kingdom. Change often causes us to stretch ourselves and forces us to leave our comfort zone. But is not that stretching the
very process that so often brings us to our knees, humbling our hearts and providing opportunities for growth? "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their
weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves
before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27.)

Change is a spirit-strengthening process. Change is not to be feared, for surely it is the one thing in life we can count on! Circumstances are always in a state of flux.
When we learn to accept change without fearing it, something happens inside us. We learn that making adjustments and being flexible is a vital part of successful living;
we feel better about ourselves and our circumstances.

Strange but true, the fear of success is almost as frightening as the fear of failure. I remember watching an NCAA college basketball championship game on television
one year. The coach of the underdog team was doing all he could to inspire his players to a victory. During a time-out he gathered his team around him. His team was
several points behind, and the situation did not look promising. The TV crew put their microphone near the huddle. As the coach talked, his players listened intently. I
hope I never forget his wisdom: "Gentlemen! Don't be afraid to win!" It was so simple, yet profound. He sensed that they were afraid to win because very few
expected it of
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As we teach our children to not fear success, we allow them to succeed at life. Success has a way of bringing opportunities for further growth. If we can encourage our
children to keep success (and failure) in the proper perspective, their self-esteem will increase. We can do this by helping them view their successes for what they really
Strange but true, the fear of success is almost as frightening as the fear of failure. I remember watching an NCAA college basketball championship game on television
one year. The coach of the underdog team was doing all he could to inspire his players to a victory. During a time-out he gathered his team around him. His team was
several points behind, and the situation did not look promising. The TV crew put their microphone near the huddle. As the coach talked, his players listened intently. I
hope I never forget his wisdom: "Gentlemen! Don't be afraid to win!" It was so simple, yet profound. He sensed that they were afraid to win because very few
expected it of them. They came back to win. When their fear of winning was eliminated, they put themselves in a position to win.

As we teach our children to not fear success, we allow them to succeed at life. Success has a way of bringing opportunities for further growth. If we can encourage our
children to keep success (and failure) in the proper perspective, their self-esteem will increase. We can do this by helping them view their successes for what they really
areopportunities to serve our Father in Heaven. In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught: "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that
they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matt. 5:14-16.)

The Lord wants us to succeed, and he will help us to do so, but we must remember to be grateful and appreciative to him for our success. "In nothing doth man offend
God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments" (D&C 59:21). Teach your children to
return thanks to God.

Another dimension of this principle is to help children be unafraid of truth. This is another way to build self-esteem. Remember the line from the Church video Man's
Search for Happiness"Only if we are unafraid of truth will we ever find it." Jesus taught that "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). The
freedom to see ourselves as we really are can come to us if we do not fear the truth. Truth is hard on us because it requires us to admit we are often wrong. It requires
us to be humble, to eliminate pride from our lives, and to accept those things we cannot change. If we are afraid of truth, our lives will be restricted. For example,
fearing the truth can keep us from praying, because we may not want answers to come that may require change on our partas every missionary knows. Such fear can
also keep us from searching the scriptures with a sincere heart, with real intent. Fear affects how we view most things in our lives. As our children learn to not fear the
truth in any setting, they can learn to walk with confidence, knowing the road on which they travel is a safe one. Thus, self-esteem is nurtured and strengthened. As the
Apostle John voiced for all parents, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth" (3 Jn. 1:4).

6. Treat children as well as we treat guests in our home. The use of simple phrases like "please," "thank you," and "pardon me" makes a world of difference in the way
our children feel about themselves and about us too. How do you feel when someone speaks to you in angry or rude tones? My grandmother used to tell me, "You can
always catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." Prov. 15:1 also provides insight into what my grandmother was trying to teach: "A soft answer turneth
away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."

James taught: "And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature;
and it is set on fire of hell. . . . Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same
mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be." (James 3:6, 9-10.)

Consider what you do when good friends come to dinner at your house. Do you speak to them the way you speak to your children? How would you tell them to wash
their hands before eating, for example? Would you be rude, sharp, or impatient? Our children are also guests in our home, and we will not have them very long before
they will leave us. How we treat them affects their feelings toward us and provides a model for how they, in turn, will treat others. The way we talk to our children can
indeed make a difference in how they feel about themselves.

7. Help children accept compliments. This is such a simple concept that most people haven't given it much thought. But how people accept a compliment is an indicator
of their self-esteem. "Thank you," "You're kind," or similar statements are sufficient when we receive a compliment.

Feigning modesty or denying a compliment is counterproductive. For some reason we often feel that we need to put ourselves down in order to be built up. Even if we
don't believe the compliment is true, a simple "thank you" expresses sincere appreciation.

It has been interesting to me that Christ was not offended by very many things. The exceptions were ingratitude, disobedience, and hypocrisy. He simply counseled us
to give thanks when we are blessed, and told us that we show our gratitude by obeying his commandments. When someone sends a compliment our way, we also
ought to give thanks and be appreciative to them. By teaching our children this simple concept, they can learn to be gracious as well as enhance their self-esteem.

8. Recognize that abnormal or unruly behavior is often a cry for help or a sign of insecurity. Many times a child may reject the very help he needs because he doesn't
realize how desperately he needs it. In such cases we cannot stop trying to help. We need to be aware that the problem usually runs deeper than what appears on the
surface.

At times it can be very discouraging to be a teacher. My desire to help, teach, and inspire my students is great, but often I find a student who doesn't want to be helped.
Usually such an individual is struggling personally with a problem or concern, and his or her behavior is, in reality, a cry for help. I've seen this kind of situation many
times.

If a person doesn't want spiritual food, there is usually a deeper reason. Often the reason is sin. The Savior said: "And the whole world lieth in sin, and groaneth under
darkness and under the bondage of sin. And by this you may know they are under the bondage of sin, because they come not unto me. For whoso cometh not unto me
is under the bondage of sin." (D&C 84:49-51.)

I remember a young man who I thought hated me and my children, yet I had no idea what I had done to warrant his wrath. One day I asked him what was troubling
him, and I was shocked at his response. I can't write everything he said, because it would not be appropriate to print. But the gist of it was that we had everything he
desired: a happy family with a dad and mom at home, where peace reigned. His anger towards me and my family came from an inner pain. Once we talked and cleared
the air and he felt I understood, things began to change.

One day he came to me in the bishop's office and asked if we could talk. His eyes filled with tears as he asked if it was possible to be forgiven for having sworn at his
bishop. He honestly thought that he was going to hell for swearing at me and manifesting such a hatred for me and my family. As he began to better understand the
gospel and repent of his anger, his behavior improved and we became quite close friends. When problems are cleared, many times the undesirable behavior is
eliminated and self-esteem improves.

9. Help children develop a sense of belonging. It sounds simple, but this is a difficult task in the art of building self-esteem in others. When people feel accepted,
wanted, needed, and loved, they feel worthwhile, and there is an inner calm and glow about them because their basic need for approval is met. However, when they
don't have this need satisfied, it is as if something inside of them is stunted or dies, and often they develop thoughts and feelings that lead to intolerable behavior.

Most individuals want desperately to be loved by those close to them, especially other family members and peers. But so many people feel lonely, unwanted, and
unimportant and become involved in self-destructive behaviors. From my observation, we all need to be loved, to have a sense of belonging. And even though our
Heavenly
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If we are to be like Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, we must love every other human being, even if we have little hope that their negative behaviors will change to
positive ones. We love Christ "because he first loved us" (1 Jn. 4:19). I am convinced that one of the major reasons I love my parents so much today is because they
don't have this need satisfied, it is as if something inside of them is stunted or dies, and often they develop thoughts and feelings that lead to intolerable behavior.

Most individuals want desperately to be loved by those close to them, especially other family members and peers. But so many people feel lonely, unwanted, and
unimportant and become involved in self-destructive behaviors. From my observation, we all need to be loved, to have a sense of belonging. And even though our
Heavenly Father loves us as a part of his familya concept that should encourage all of uswe have so many who feel such little love from those around them.

If we are to be like Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, we must love every other human being, even if we have little hope that their negative behaviors will change to
positive ones. We love Christ "because he first loved us" (1 Jn. 4:19). I am convinced that one of the major reasons I love my parents so much today is because they
first loved me. Words cannot express how I felt as a young man when I would look up into the stands at a ball game and see my number one fansmy parents. It didn't
really matter how I played; I knew they loved me and that I belonged to them. After the game I knew I was wanted at home. I knew there would be love and
acceptance waiting for me. How could I feel anything but good about myself? It wasn't the game that mattered after all, it was me!

Please send love messages to your children so that they are not starved in their need for affection and acceptance. Sometimes I see that it is hard for fathers to put their
arms around their sons and daughters, but it is absolutely crucial if they want to develop relationships that will meet the needs their children have for Dad's love and
approval.

10. Recognize the difference between adolescence and an adolescent. Adolescence is a very difficult time of life through which we all pass. An adolescent, on the other
hand, is a thinking, feeling human being who is going through a sometimes difficult stage of development. When we understand this concept we can become builders
instead of destroyers. When we are empathetic to the challenges teenagers face (growing pains, zits, relationships, physical awkwardness), we will be more loving and
appreciative of their struggles and thus be solid friends and confidantes for them and lay a foundation for them to move out into the world to deal with others. They
know that they always have a home base to return to when the world treats them cruelly.

Currently in our home there are three teenage daughters. You guessed itit can be quite an emotional roller coaster! In fact, I have learned how hard it is at times to
practice what I preach. My wife is continually reminding me, however, that it wasn't that long ago that I was going through that same sensitive time in life. (She thinks I
have a short memory!) It is not always helpful to be reminded of the principle that when hormones run wild, the brain seems to shut down. But we can remember how it
felt when it seemed that no one understood. We must remember how unsure we were about so many things as we passed through adolescence. It is a difficult time for
many, but an adolescent is a human being with sensitive feelings and usually a rather fragile ego. We must see clearly that distinction.

Again, wise counsel from a modern Apostle: "In the healthy family, first and best, we can learn to listen, forgive, praise, and to rejoice in the achievements of others.
There also we can learn to tame our egos, work, repent, and love. In families with spiritual perspective, yesterday need not hold tomorrow hostage. If we sometimes
act the fool, loving families know this is not our last act; the curtain is not run down." (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, in Conference Report, April 1994, p. 121.)

Even though as a young person I did not understand all that my parents endured in raising our family, I knew that I had wonderful, caring parents. Yes, we were far
from perfect, but each child in our family felt loved no matter what we did. May each of us provide that security for our children. If we fail at everything else, let us not
fail at loving our children so that they will experience us as builders rather than destroyers.

_____

Jack R. Christianson was born in Payson, Utah, and reared in the Orem area. He attended Dixie College and graduated with a B.A. degree in English from Weber
State, where he was a quarterback on the football team. He received an M.Ed. from Brigham Young University. He has taught in the Church Educational System for
many years and is presently a faculty member at the LDS institute at Utah Valley State College in Orem. He has authored several books and recorded numerous talk
tapes. He has twice served as a bishop. He is married to Melanie Harris, and they are the parents of four daughters.

16 the Greatest Joy

Richard L. Judd

John of old declared, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth" (3 Jn. 1:4). Of course, Satan does not want us to experience this happiness. In
fact, "he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Ne. 2:27). His ultimate purpose "is to disrupt, disturb, and destroy the home and the family" (Elder
Boyd K. Packer, in Conference Report, April 1994, p. 24). As parents we have the stewardship to teach our children "to walk in the ways of truth and soberness" and
"to love one another, and to serve one another" (Mosiah 4:15). If we do, we can help our families overcome the adversary and we too can experience what John
described.

The scriptures are replete with examples of the sorrow that comes to families when loved ones go astray. Remember the haunting cry of David upon learning of his
wayward son's death? "O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!" (2 Sam. 18:33.) And think of
Alma's words to his sinful son Corianton: "And now, my son, I would to God that ye had not been guilty of so great a crime" (Alma 39:7).

As a bishop I remember too well the cries of parents as they poured out their hearts concerning children who had broken serious commandments. I also remember the
tears of joy that were shed as children participated in the holy ordinances of the temple.

Likewise many scriptures illustrate the joy that comes into a parent's heart when the decisions children make are wise. Think of the prophet Mormon, who couldn't
recommend his fellow Nephites to God but could recommend his faithful son Moroni to God (see Moro. 9:21-22) or Alma, who said to Shiblon, "My son, . . . I have
had great joy in thee already, because of thy faithfulness and thy diligence, and thy patience and thy long-suffering" (Alma 38:3). Who among us has not delighted in the
good works of our offspring?

How can we teach our children to walk in the paths of truth? How can we anchor our family to the time-tested principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ and receive of his
joy?

A few years ago the Church Correlation Department's Evaluation Division conducted two studies involving young men. The findings indicated:

The young men in the Church most likely to receive the Melchizedek Priesthood, go on missions, and marry in the temple come from homes where they were born in
the covenant or later sealed to their parents.

And whether young men take these critical steps in life depends far more on the amount and kind of religious practice and observance they have had with parents in the
home, their agreement with their parents' religious values, and their own private religious experiences than it does on participation in any particular programs as they
grow up. ("Key to Strong Young Men: Gospel Commitment in the Home," Ensign, December 1984, p. 66.)

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                                       had with his priesthood adviserwas found to have significant influence on a young man, but the religious activityPage    82 / 85
                                                                                                                                                         in the home and
the agreement with parents on values and on goals for the future were found to have the greatest influence.
And whether young men take these critical steps in life depends far more on the amount and kind of religious practice and observance they have had with parents in the
home, their agreement with their parents' religious values, and their own private religious experiences than it does on participation in any particular programs as they
grow up. ("Key to Strong Young Men: Gospel Commitment in the Home," Ensign, December 1984, p. 66.)

Another factorthe contact a young man had with his priesthood adviserwas found to have significant influence on a young man, but the religious activity in the home and
the agreement with parents on values and on goals for the future were found to have the greatest influence.

A more recent study found that when "adolescents internalize religious values and . . . feel religious experiences, they are significantly less likely to be involved in
delinquent activities" (Brent L. Top and Bruce A. Chadwick, "The Power of the Word: Religion, Family, Friends, and Delinquent Behavior of LDS Youth," BYU
Studies 33, no. 2 [1993]:308).

These studies serve as reminders to all of us of the importance of the temple and of religious practice and observance in the home, when we may foster agreement with
parents on religious values and encourage private religious experiences. Let's consider each of these factors.

Reverence for the Temple

President Howard W. Hunter, in the opening session of his first general conference as President of the Church, invited Latter-day Saints "to look to the temple of the
Lord as the great symbol of [their] membership." He stated that the Lord would be pleased if "every adult member would be worthy ofand carrya current temple
recommend." He further instructed members to attend the temple frequently and to keep a picture of the temple in their homes so that their children would see it. He
instructed parents to teach their children about the purposes of the temple and to "have them plan from their earliest years to go there and to remain worthy of that
blessing." (In Conference Report, October 1994, p. 8.)

At the conclusion of this same general conference President Hunter issued a challenge to "make the temple, with temple worship and temple covenants and temple
marriage, our ultimate earthly goal and the supreme mortal experience." He also counseled us as parents to "share with our children the spiritual feelings we have in the
temple" and to make the temple experience "an even greater highlight than receiving the mission call." He taught that we should "plan for and teach and plead with our
children to marry in the house of the Lord." (Ibid., p. 118.)

When our two oldest boys were very young, my wife and I took them to the open house held prior to the rededication of the St. George Temple. After completing the
tour, we paused at the top of the massive steps right outside the east doors of the temple. As we took one last look inside that house of the Lord, our oldest son, who
was about five, said, "Daddy, I wish we could live here." I held him in my arms and said, "I wish we could live here too, son." The words of the Prophet Joseph when
he offered the dedicatory prayer of the Kirtland Temple came to mind: "Holy Father, we ask thee to assist us . . . that thy holy presence may be continually in this
house; and that all people who shall enter upon the threshold of the Lord's house may feel thy power" (D&C 109:10, 12-13). Years later we were able to feel some of
this power and to experience deep joy when we witnessed our sons kneel at the altar with their sweet companions as they were married for time and all eternity.

As parents teach their children of temple covenants, plus show how they feel by attending the temple regularly, families will be fortified against the great wickedness of
today. They will have great power and will experience the blessings which the Lord has "ordained to be poured out upon those who shall reverence [him]" in his holy
house (D&C 109:21).

Religious Practice and Observance in the Home

In one of the Church studies previously mentioned, young men were asked about their religious activity. Their answers were examined in conjunction with responses
from their parents and leaders. Two factors were identified which seemed to have the greatest influence on whether a young man would desire to live a clean life, serve
a mission, or marry in the temple. "These were religious activity in the home (family prayer, family home evening, family scripture study), and agreement with parents on
values and on goals for the future." ("Key to Strong Young Men," p. 66.)

For years Church leaders have given members counsel regarding prayer, family home evening, and family scripture study. Not only were members taught what to do,
but they were also promised specific blessings that would be theirs if they were obedient to the direction given.

Prayer

Elder James E. Faust told the following story:

A few years ago, Bishop Stanley Smoot was interviewed by President Spencer W. Kimball. President Kimball asked, "How often do you have family prayer?"

Bishop Smoot answered, "We try to have family prayer twice a day, but we average about once."

President Kimball answered, "In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our
families." (In ConferenceReport, October 1990, p. 41.)

Remember the prayers that Alma the elder offered as he tried to help his son Alma? The angel who appeared to this wicked son said, "Behold, the Lord hath heard the
prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to
the knowledge of the truth" (Mosiah 27:14). Through the power of the prayers of others and through his own prayer and fasting (see Alma 5:45-46), Alma the Younger
was able to turn his life around.

As parents we must pray not only with our families but also individually, and we must teach our children the importance of personal prayer; for "a lack of deep personal
prayer and deep genuine worship also erodes our faith" (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, in Conference Report, April 1991, p. 118). The old saying comes to mind: "The
family that prays together stays together." Surely this has eternal ramifications as well.

Family Home Evening

As parents and leaders, we need to become more committed to holding family home evenings. In 1915 the First Presidency stated:

We advise and urge the inauguration of a "Home Evening" throughout the Church, at which time fathers and mothers may gather their boys and girls about them in the
home and teach them the word of the Lord. . . .

If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of
the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them. (James R. Clark, comp., Messages of the First Presidency,
6Copyright
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We have been taught that "Monday night has been set aside as an evening for families to be together. No Church activities or social appointments should be sponsored
on this night." (Elder L. Tom Perry, in Conference Report, April 1994, p. 49.) I know the frustrations that have come to my wife and me as some of the stakes and
home and teach them the word of the Lord. . . .

If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of
the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them. (James R. Clark, comp., Messages of the First Presidency,
6 vols. [Salt Lake City:Bookcraft, 1965-75], 4:338, 339.)

We have been taught that "Monday night has been set aside as an evening for families to be together. No Church activities or social appointments should be sponsored
on this night." (Elder L. Tom Perry, in Conference Report, April 1994, p. 49.) I know the frustrations that have come to my wife and me as some of the stakes and
wards we have lived in have sponsored activities on Monday evenings. Sometimes children are involved in school activities such as football or basketball practices, and
perhaps our children can't be excused from these required things, but families and Church leaders should do all they can to preserve Monday night as family night.

Parents seem to find it increasingly difficult to hold effective home evenings, yet those who are faithful to the counsel of the Brethren testify of the spiritual blessings that
have come to their families. One father I know considers home evening the most important event his family participates in outside of sacrament meeting. As we gather
as families, home evening can become "a refuge from the storm, and from wrath when it shall be poured out without mixture upon the whole earth" (D&C 115:6).

Scripture Study

Scripture study is another important factor that will help our children with religious activity in the home and with their private religious experiences. When President Ezra
Taft Benson gave us the clarion call to make the Book of Mormon a more central part of our lives, he seemed to raise the study of the scriptures to a new level. He
said, "When individual members and families immerse themselves in the scriptures regularly and consistently, . . . other areas of activity [sacrament meeting attendance,
increased numbers of missionaries, temple marriages] will automatically come. Testimonies will increase. Commitment will be strengthened. Families will be fortified.
Personal revelation will flow." ("The Power of the Word," Ensign, May 1986, p. 81.) Saints throughout the world can testify to the truthfulness of President Benson's
promises.

President Marion G. Romney gave a challenge and promise that our family has really come to appreciate as well. He declared:

I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that
great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow.
The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of
their parents. Righteousness will increase.Faith, hope, and charitythe pure love of Christwill abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and
happiness. (In Conference Report, April 1980, p. 90.)

When our children were very young, my wife and I made the decision that we were going to study the scriptures together as a family. Even before our children could
read, they were given a paperback copy of the Book of Mormon and a red pencil. As we read to them they would try to mark what we parents had marked in our
scriptures. At first their copies of the Book of Mormon looked more like coloring books, but over time they became more proficient at marking. Their first attempts at
reading came in family Book of Mormon study. At first they often could only read one or two words, but gradually their reading skills improved as did their
understanding of this marvelous record.

We feel that our family scripture study has been one of the best things we do with our children. Oh yes, we have plenty of times when we're tired and some grumbling
takes place, but it has become a great blessing to our family. There have been times that we have missed days in our reading, but we have come to realize the value of
consistency in reading the scriptures. We have also come to know that when things aren't quite right in the home, we probably have not read our scriptures or said our
prayers.

In Lehi's vision of the tree of life, his wife, Sariah, and his sons Sam and Nephi came and partook of the fruit on the tree that was desirable above all other fruit (see 1
Ne. 8:15-16). Laman and Lemuel did not partake of the fruit. Lehi "exceedingly feared for Laman and Lemuel; yea, he feared lest they should be cast off from the
presence of the Lord" (1 Ne. 8:36).

In the vision Lehi also saw four other groups of people. The first group "did come forth, and commence in the path which led to the tree," but a mist of darkness arose
and "they wandered off and were lost" (1 Ne. 8:22-23). Despite the mist of darkness, a second group made it to the tree by "clinging to the rod of iron," but after
partaking of the fruit "they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost" (1 Ne. 8:24, 28).
President Benson indicated that this group consisted of members of the Church because they came and partook of the fruit (see Ensign, May 1986, p. 79).

A third group, also apparently Church members, "came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to
the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree" (1 Ne. 8:30). A fourth group of people were never on the path, nor did they ever
grab hold of the iron rod. They made their way toward the great and spacious building and "were drowned in the depths of the fountain; and many were lost . . . ,
wandering in strange roads" (1 Ne. 8:32).

I have been intrigued by this vision, especially by the two groups of people who actually caught hold of the iron rod. I have wondered why one group fell and the other
group remained at the tree partaking of the love of God. Could it be that the way each grabbed hold of the rod offers the reason? The group of people who were
"clinging to the rod of iron" (1 Ne. 8:24) eventually were lost even though they had tasted of the fruit, while the group of people who were "continually holding fast to
the rod of iron" (1 Ne. 8:30) partook of the fruit of the tree and apparently remained faithful.

It's interesting to note Nephi's later comments about holding on to the rod of iron:

And [my brethren] said unto me: What meaneth the rod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree?

And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could
the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction. (1 Ne. 15:23-24, italics added.)

Families who hold fast to the rod of iron have consistent scripture study. It is a daily part of their lives.Families who cling to the rod of iron probably just read when they
have a real need at the moment. Perhaps it's like falling off a cliff and grabbing a branch on the way down. You're clinging on, but eventually you will let go and fall.
Scripture study that is irregular and infrequent will not bring the blessings that come from a daily "feast upon the words of Christ" (2 Ne. 32:3). President Howard W.
Hunter said, "It is certain that one who studies the scriptures every day accomplishes far more than one who devotes considerable time one day and then lets days go
by before continuing" (in Conference Report, October 1979, p. 91).

From the teachings of Samuel the Lamanite we see that if we believe the scriptures we will be led "to faith on the Lord, and unto repentance, which faith and repentance
bringeth a change of heart unto [us]" and we will be "firm and steadfast in the faith" and we will be free from the bondage of sin (Hel. 15:7-8). This is the formula we
should teach(c)
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Conclusion
by before continuing" (in Conference Report, October 1979, p. 91).

From the teachings of Samuel the Lamanite we see that if we believe the scriptures we will be led "to faith on the Lord, and unto repentance, which faith and repentance
bringeth a change of heart unto [us]" and we will be "firm and steadfast in the faith" and we will be free from the bondage of sin (Hel. 15:7-8). This is the formula we
should teach our families: scripture study = faith on the Lord = repentance = change of heart = firm and steadfast families = greater freedom from sin.

Conclusion

As LDS families we are involved in many activities, and we are often pulled in many different directions. However, we must realize that as important as some activities
might be, we must focus our families on the importance of the temple, family home evening, family and personal prayers, and family and personal scripture study. Our
homes need to be holy places in order for us to feel the Spirit of the Lord as families and as individual members.

Sometimes children do go astray despite the best efforts of their parents. But parents must never give up! Elder Boyd K. Packer gave these insights:

It is not uncommon for responsible parents to lose one of their children, for a time, to influences over which they have no control. They agonize over rebellious sons or
daughters. They are puzzled over why they are so helpless when they have tried so hard to do what they should.

It is my conviction that those wicked influences one day will be overruled. (In Conference Report, April 1992, p. 94.)

Elder Packer then went on to share some enlightening doctrine that was taught by the Prophet Joseph Smith, as reported by Orson F. Whitney:

"The Prophet Joseph Smith declaredand he never taught a more comforting doctrinethat the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is
upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to
come, they will return." (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, April 1929, p. 110; as quoted in Conference Report, April 1992, p. 94.)

Ultimately it is the mercy of the Savior that will make it possible for families to be together forever. We can't do it without him.

I once had an assignment to speak in a priesthood leadership meeting. In preparation for my talk I called my two married sons, who are returned missionaries, on the
phone and asked them, "What factors helped you go on a mission?" My oldest son talked about the positive influence of his family, quorum leaders, and friends. My
second oldest son replied, "My own personal prayers and study of the Book of Mormon." I hope these values are being passed on to the rest of our children. I hope
that as a family we are striving to come unto the Lord Jesus Christ. If we follow him and do the things the prophets have asked us to do, then we as parents will "have
no greater joy than to hear that [our] children walk in truth" (3 Jn. 1:4).

Richard L. Judd was born and raised in Kanab, Utah. He received an A.S. degree from Snow College in 1968, a B.S. degree from Southern Utah State College in
1970, and an M.Ed. degree from Brigham Young University in 1983. He has worked for the Church Educational System for twenty-six years and is presently an
instructor in the St. George, Utah, Institute of Religion. He has served in many Church positions including bishop, bishop's counselor, high councilor, and stake young
men's president, and he is currently first counselor in a stake presidency. He is married to Nancy Albrecht, and they are the parents of five children.




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